Why can't women simply say "I'm not interested." to men?

[sw85]

Whatever isn’t a clear yes and clear enthusiasm is probably a “no.”

Yes, this. Over half of human communication is nonverbal, unless you have autism or something.

If a woman does not return a man’s calls/texts/FB messages/whatever, or does so with only a minimum of icy courtesy, or maintains a stand-offish or avoidant posture in his presence, or rarely or never speaks to him unless spoken to first, or repeatedly rejects his requests for time alone together without suggesting an alternative or at least offering some flirty banter, then the odds are very very very good that she is simply not interested. And it doesn’t take mind-reading to know as much.

 

[CaliLobo]

Yes, this. Over half of human communication is nonverbal, unless you have autism or something.

If a woman does not return a man’s calls/texts/FB messages/whatever, or does so with only a minimum of icy courtesy, or maintains a stand-offish or avoidant posture in his presence, or rarely or never speaks to him unless spoken to first, or repeatedly rejects his requests for time alone together without suggesting an alternative or at least offering some flirty banter, then the odds are very very very good that she is simply not interested. And it doesn’t take mind-reading to know as much.

Hey Estêvão,

Now that this thread is revived, just yesterday I asked out a coworker because it was my last day at the workplace. I thought she was pretty attractive from when I first met her, but because we were coworkers I didn’t do anything about it until my last day.

I said that since we’re not coworkers anymore, I wanted to ask something. I then asked if she was seeing someone, she said no. I then told her I wanted to take her out, she said she had to think about it.

Granted, I did it all out of the blue; maybe I should’ve warmed her up and did a little flirting first. Or not given up so easily and said that I wanted her to get to know the real me.

But either way, I believe I am correct in taking her response as a no.

The streak continues…(sigh)

 

[Xantippe]

Hey Estêvão,

Now that this thread is revived, just yesterday I asked out a coworker because it was my last day at the workplace. I thought she was pretty attractive from when I first met her, but because we were coworkers I didn’t do anything about it until my last day.

I said that since we’re not coworkers anymore, I wanted to ask something. I then asked if she was seeing someone, she said no. I then told her I wanted to take her out, she said she had to think about it.

Granted, I did it all out of the blue; maybe I should’ve warmed her up and did a little flirting first. Or not given up so easily and said that I wanted her to get to know the real me.

But either way, I believe I am correct in taking her response as a no.

Nah–I think you did fine. Definitely don’t use the “get to know the real me” line with anybody ever going forward–it makes it sound like you’ve got bodies in the crawlspace of your house. What you’ve got going for you in this situation is she does know you, and she hopefully has the idea that you’re a reasonably good guy–don’t mess with that!

If she likes you and she’s interested, you’ll hear from her. She may have needed an emergency consultation with her girlfriends before going forward.

Good use of opportunities, by the way.

 

[MacQ]

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but many women have a hard time telling men pursuing them, in black and white, that they are not interested.

Is it because women are so full of themselves that they think the man is going to be destroyed if she tells him this?

Why do women think it’s okay to string men along or drop hints about their lack of interest that men are just supposed to “get it” without her saying anything simple and clear?

Discuss

The don’t want to hurt feelings.
They hope you can take a hint.
Advice: take the hint.

 

[MacQ]

Don’t want to derail the thread, but it does seem that since the advent of social media and the W. Bush presidency, the USA is much more divided and segregated along party lines, including in dating and friendships.

So it’s Bush’s fault!
Who knew!!!

 

[MacQ]

So I talked about this last night with my friend (who is married and has dated and slept with lots of women) and his friend (who has dated and slept with lots of women).
**
They both say the above statements by maryjk and WingsofEagles are false, and that women DO assume that a man is interested when they approach them.**

They said that the reason why she didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend is that she didn’t want me to know. By saying “Hey I’m not sure if you have a boyfriend but I’d like to see you again,” I made her feel guilty about it and she had to fess up.

**What I should’ve done was not mention it at all, and maybe I could’ve slept with her.

If this is true, this would then be another example of how women say one thing and mean another, often because of social pressures not to appear slutty.**

For example, women will often talk as if they are not interested in sex at all, but we know that is not true–this is just anti-slut defense kicking in. Women also talk as if they are not interested in dating a redhead, or a short man, or someone who’s not in the military, but they will fall for the right redhead, short man, or non-military if he comes along.

Women say one thing and mean another all the time. Could this girl from the race have been another example?

So your promiscuous male friends know more about women than the actual women who have replied to you.

So, you were just trying to figure out how to get a cheap lay (and you don’t think she might have picked up on that).

So you know all this about women and can’t get one to go out with you.

Reading your post, I say it’s no wonder.

 

[CaliLobo]

So your promiscuous male friends know more about women than the actual women who have replied to you.

So, you were just trying to figure out how to get a cheap lay (and you don’t think she might have picked up on that).

So you know all this about women and can’t get one to go out with you.

Reading your post, I say it’s no wonder.

Dude, your post was unnecessary and you’re just slinging mud at this point.

By the way, dating advice websites and gurus DO tell men NOT to seek advice about dating from women. Because women say conflicting things due to the complexity of their feelings. For example, women will say they don’t want a bad boy, but fall for bad boys all the time. Why? It’s the conflicting feelings they experience when the right bad boy approaches them.

The issue is not understanding women in general. Rather, it’s understanding how to be more than friends with women–stuff that men spend their lives learning.

So yes, although what women say is insightful, I’d rather get advice from men about this topic. Men’s advice governs here.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

(…)For example, women will say they don’t want a bad boy, but fall for bad boys all the time. Why? It’s the conflicting feelings they experience when the right bad boy approaches them.

(…)

What does this even mean? What conflicting feelings?

 

[CaliLobo]

What does this even mean? What conflicting feelings?

He’s not right for me, his job is unstable and my mom wouldn’t like him… but oh, he’s so exciting and there’s so many fireworks… he’s not best for me… but oh, I want to have sex with him–I hope he picks up on the clue… he just does it for me, I can’t really describe…

 

[Bruised_Reed]

He’s not right for me, his job is unstable and my mom wouldn’t like him… but oh, he’s so exciting and there’s so many fireworks… he’s not best for me… but oh, I want to have sex with him–I hope he picks up on the clue… he just does it for me, I can’t really describe…

Oh. Okay. Well, first: you’re bad boys are not the same as my bad boys. Second: I don’t feel conflicted. Third: I like bad boys.

 

[Estevao]

Hey Estêvão,

Now that this thread is revived, just yesterday I asked out a coworker because it was my last day at the workplace. I thought she was pretty attractive from when I first met her, but because we were coworkers I didn’t do anything about it until my last day.

I said that since we’re not coworkers anymore, I wanted to ask something. I then asked if she was seeing someone, she said no. I then told her I wanted to take her out, she said she had to think about it.

Granted, I did it all out of the blue; maybe I should’ve warmed her up and did a little flirting first. Or not given up so easily and said that I wanted her to get to know the real me.

But either way, I believe I am correct in taking her response as a no.

The streak continues…(sigh)

It’s a numbers game brah, don’t get too down.

Although it’s funny what you’re saying about women adoring bad boys, do they treat them with this same kind of “get the hint, loser” attitude when rejecting *their *advances, or do they have a very long and drawn out and verbal conversation with the badboy or with their girlifriends over the issue.

Inquiring minds want to know.

 

[underacloud]

By the way, dating advice websites and gurus DO tell men NOT to seek advice about dating from women. Because women say conflicting things due to the complexity of their feelings. For example, women will say they don’t want a bad boy, but fall for bad boys all the time. Why? It’s the conflicting feelings they experience when the right bad boy approaches them.

If you want meaningless sex with lots of women, by all means ignore us and go to these websites. Spoiler alert - it won’t make you happy.

If you want a life partner, listen to advice offered here.

(PS research consistently shows that married people on average have more sex than their single counterparts, so even if sex is your main objective, that’s something to think about).

So yes, although what women say is insightful, I’d rather get advice from men about this topic. Men’s advice governs here.

Great, I’m a man. And I’ve offer you plenty of good (IMHO) advice. It just happens to resemble much of the advice all the women here on CAF are offering too. Maybe you should reconsider your us-vs-them mentality on this.

He’s not right for me, his job is unstable and my mom wouldn’t like him… but oh, he’s so exciting and there’s so many fireworks… he’s not best for me… but oh, I want to have sex with him–I hope he picks up on the clue… he just does it for me, I can’t really describe…

Who would want to marry, or even date, a woman who acts like this? Not me. You’re only in for heartache if you pursue such women. Leave them for the bad boys.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s a numbers game brah, don’t get too down.

Although it’s funny what you’re saying about women adoring bad boys, do they treat them with this same kind of “get the hint, loser” attitude when rejecting *their *advances, or do they have a very long and drawn out and verbal conversation with the badboy or with their girlifriends over the issue.

Inquiring minds want to know.

I would, but I’m a middle aged married lady and I see straight through that, as do a lot of women in Calilobo’s likely dating pool (which is probably something like 26 at the very lowest up to maybe 40). A lot of them have already been there, done that, got the t-shirt, don’t want to do that again.

 

[Xantippe]

Dude, your post was unnecessary and you’re just slinging mud at this point.

By the way, dating advice websites and gurus DO tell men NOT to seek advice about dating from women. Because women say conflicting things due to the complexity of their feelings. For example, women will say they don’t want a bad boy, but fall for bad boys all the time. Why? It’s the conflicting feelings they experience when the right bad boy approaches them.

The issue is not understanding women in general. Rather, it’s understanding how to be more than friends with women–stuff that men spend their lives learning.

So yes, although what women say is insightful, I’d rather get advice from men about this topic. Men’s advice governs here.

Alan Greenspan is married.
Paul Krugman is married.
Einstein was married.
Stephen Hawking has been married twice.
Al Gore has been married.
Mitt Romney is married.
Bill Gates is married.

Think of all the high-achieving dweebs, dorks and nerds you can–they’re pretty much all married if they want to be, no matter how socially inept or physically unimpressive they are.

 

[on_the_hill]

By the way, dating advice websites and gurus DO tell men NOT to seek advice about dating from women.

That’s because dating websites make money from return customers.

For example, women will say they don’t want a bad boy, but fall for bad boys all the time.

Bad boys are more fun. They also have self-confidence.

As my wife would say, “He would be fun to date, but I wouldn’t want to marry him.”

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Great, I’m a man. And I’ve offer you plenty of good (IMHO) advice. It just happens to resemble much of the advice all the women here on CAF are offering too. Maybe you should reconsider your us-vs-them mentality on this.

(Bolding mine)

This. Who would even want to go out with a man who viewed himself as being in a constant competition to “get” a woman? And it’s strange enough when men feel that they’re competing against other men, but when they feel like their competing against that woman to “get” her? Big red flag.

You know what’s pretty universally attractive? Confidence and treating women like normal human beings that you want to get to know.

 

[runwaymodel]

Dude, your post was unnecessary and you’re just slinging mud at this point.

By the way, dating advice websites and gurus DO tell men NOT to seek advice about dating from women. Because women say conflicting things due to the complexity of their feelings. For example, women will say they don’t want a bad boy, but fall for bad boys all the time. Why? It’s the conflicting feelings they experience when the right bad boy approaches them.

The issue is not understanding women in general. Rather, it’s understanding how to be more than friends with women–stuff that men spend their lives learning.

So yes, although what women say is insightful, I’d rather get advice from men about this topic. Men’s advice governs here.

I don’t know what type of women you’re dating but perhaps they’re unstable.
None of the ladies I know ever contradict themselves like that. Maybe when they’re teenagers, but then they’re still girls and not women. I think men say that to justify why women don’t like ‘them’–they always go for the jerks/bad boys, etc.

And for the record, I always laugh at the advice from men to other men about dating on sites or in general. That’s not how women work! Ask a lady about dating advice. Women know how other women like to be swooned/courted. Seems simple enough to me. I tell men I’m not interested all the time but no matter how kindly I try to say it, they think I’m being rude or stuck up. Any man that gets that offended by my answer will probably react this irrationally towards other things in life.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s because dating websites make money from return customers.

That is a VERY good point.

 

[Xantippe]

(Bolding mine)

This. Who would even want to go out with a man who viewed himself as being in a constant competition to “get” a woman? And it’s strange enough when men feel that they’re competing against other men, but when they feel like their competing against that woman to “get” her? Big red flag.

Yes–theoretically, this should be a game that both can win.

Speaking of weirdness, I find it really bizarre when the single guys huddle together, offering each other the inside scoop on women and competing against other men. If it’s this deadly winner-takes-all competition, why are your competitors being so helpful? That makes no sense.

 

[ThatMikeGuy]

some women are flakes and string men along and can’t be mature. I’ve been blocked on dating sites merely for writing them a message. now that hurts. women might make up a story, etc. BUT, men don’t take rejection well, and often can’t handle a black and white answer, so a woman is taught to “string them along” until they get the hint. also, some women like to be eternally “wanted” and don’t want to settle. Men do, too.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but many women have a hard time telling men pursuing them, in black and white, that they are not interested.

Is it because women are so full of themselves that they think the man is going to be destroyed if she tells him this?

Why do women think it’s okay to string men along or drop hints about their lack of interest that men are just supposed to “get it” without her saying anything simple and clear?

Discuss