I’ve been lurking these forums for some time, and I figured that I’d end up posting eventually.
Let’s see…where to begin…
I get the feeling that I’m younger than most others on this forum, as I am only 18 years old, and yes, I am slowly but surely losing my faith, if I ever had it.
I’m not quite sure where to even begin…
-One thing which severely shocked me was a homily given by my pastor recently. Apparently a lady had asked the bishop if she could ‘revoke’ her Catholic faith because she no longer believe in what the Church teaches about contraception, abortion, euthanasia, etc. He said, slightly jokingly but almost verbatim, “well, perhaps it would be better if all those in the Catholic church who held these views on life left the Church, since they will only continue to slander the true Catholics with their erroneous views.” I was appalled. Now, I am not the best Catholic, and my views aren’t completely in line with the Church, yes I am ‘liberal’ or ‘open-minded’, but there is absolutely no reason to suggest that a Catholic should leave Jesus’ temple because they don’t amount to the ‘model’ Catholic that my parish has set forth.
-During my confirmation class, I heard several odd quotes from my class’s catechist. (paraphrased of course.)
I’ll let them speak for themselves: “Now in Islam, they don’t see themselves as sacred creatures created by God, in fact they don’t even worship God, they worship Allah, which in Arabic means ‘master,’ and ‘Muslim’ means Slave! You see, they see their communion with God as a Slave and Master relationship, whereas we as Catholics…”
*Note, Allah is Arabic for, literally ‘God’. It’s the contraction of al + ilah, meaning al (‘the’ - subject marker) + ilah (God, masculine form). I wanted to yell at him right then and there, as I have many Muslim friends who are more God-fearing than my Catholic ones, but since my Parish had been overtaken by fundamentalism and media-bias against Islam and the world, I figured it futile. I was more shocked than anything.
Another: “Sex is reserved solely for marriage. However, once you become married, girls, you become servants to your husbands, as it says in the bible. Therefore - now this might sound vulgar for you all - but if you husband asks to have sex, you must comply, unless you’re busy.”
Girl asks if he’s serious or something “Well yes, you must comply with his wishes, as you have given your body over to him. Now if you’re taking care of the children or cooking in the kitchen or cleaning or something, then you have an excuse not to. Otherwise, you should always give your body over to him.”
Yes, I did paraphrase that but he actually holds a mentality like that. Thankfully most of my class was rational enough to see that this was an extremely fundamentalist and sexist viewpoint on marriage and love and sex.
Long story short(er): I’m just tired. Yes, I am tired of my faith at 18 years old. I do not know if I ever even had faith to begin with. My church is extremely fundamentalist and conservative, and it has left me and other teens in the church ostracized and out of place.
I’m tired of talking my friends out of suicide/cutting, abortions, sex, alcohol, drugs, and other things and then hearing every sunday about how these people who commit ‘these atrocious sins’ are ‘horrible, immoral people’ who ‘don’t have any respect for themselves or God.’
I’m tired of talking my female catholic friends down from tears and hysteria, as they have had pre-marital sex or sexual encounters, and now feel the guilt of the anti-sex/sinner-hatred of their own churches in my area, or in some cases the pain of having been used by their boyfriends, and now feeling worthless, unloved, and hopeless as a de-virginized catholic girl in a strict parish.
I’m tired of parishioners not caring for one another, not helping one another, merely judging and spreading gossip and rumors about other people’s actions and theological beliefs.
I’m tired of all the contradictions and hypocrisy and paradoxes within the Church and the parishioners themselves.
I’m tired of my own doubts, flaws, and failures.
I’m tired of living a ‘double life’ as both a ‘good catholic boy’ on sundays and with my youth group, and the role of the ‘questioning-catholic-seemingly-agnostic boy’ every other day.
I’m tired of parishioners acting so ‘holy’ and ‘righteous’ and ‘pure,’ as if they constantly are in communication with God and are sinless, and then act judgmental when you tell them your sins/problems or about how you don’t feel the same or act the same as them.
I’m tired of the hatred towards others of different races/genders/ideologies/etc.
I’m tired of feeling as if I need to be a perfect Catholic, or have my theological views sealed at my age.
I want to believe, I want to talk to God/Jesus, I want to say that I constantly feel God’s presence. But frankly, I’ve never felt anything, except one religious experience where I saw a vision of an empty throne among clouds with the feeling of “Don’t worry. I’m here.”
I recognize that I’m not a perfect Catholic. I hold views opposite to the Catholic church, I don’t accept everything the Vatican decrees, I’ve done things the Church condemns, and frankly, I’m just sick and tired of all the two-faced-ness among Catholics, and it’s tearing me up.
I’ve frankly stopped caring so much. If I go to Hell for my sins, then it must be for a just reason - I just haven’t been the ‘best Catholic ever.’ But if I can live in Hell without God, knowing that I’ve saved people’s lives and souls through talking them out of - or down from - suicide/cutting or abortion or sex or drugs or whatever, then I’d be content with suffering forever, if they could finally be happy in their afterlife since they’ve suffered so more than I have in this one…
Yes, I’ve done prayer, adoration, conferences with a priest, retreat, study for almost 15 years now since the beginning of my crisis of faith, and unfortunately my faith has only crumbled.
