Why do guys say such hurtful things?

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lovedance4ever

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I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.
 
Don’t kid yourself, women say some horrible things as well. Both sexes are guilty of being unkind, men may have a tendency towards being blunt, whereas women may have a tendency to ‘gang up’, ostracise and character assassinate.

Man and women are different. Men have a greater tendency to say what’s on their mind without taking into account the feelings of the person who hears it, whereas women have a tendency to obsess over their own feelings and judge the actions of another based on how it makes them feel.

Women also read more into what someone says than what they actually say. If a man says that he thinks you are plain, he is not saying that he thinks you are ugly, he’s just saying that he thinks you are not physically beautiful (and let’s face it, most of us aren’t). There is a whole range between ugly and beautiful. Most of us are fairly ordinary looking, most of us are plain.

Don’t expect a man to make you feel good about yourself or to boost your self-esteem. Most men don’t see that as part of the deal, it won’t even come into their thought processes. Men tend to just say what they think to be the literal truth as they see it. Women tend to talk in emotional ‘codes’ whereas saying one thing means that you think something else that you wouldn’t really want to say (such as saying “plain” really means thinking “ugly”). Men don’t usually think like that.
 
Wow…that was incredibly rude of the guy and I am disgusted that a lot of guys are saying rude things to you. How dare they :’( Hugs…Something that makes me feel better when someone disrespects me is buying expensive things…other than that I don’t know what to say though 😦 HUGS!
 
My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”
 
lovedance4ever said:
I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.
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That guy may actually be okay, a nice guy, but he just “put his foot in his mouth”. Since this is a repeated problem, have a strategy ready. I’d recommend using humor.
Next time someone says something like that, just say, “Thank you…I think!”

That should give him the message he said something wrong, because some can be quite nice but sort of dense, socially. He sounds like he might be one of them!

Or, you could try…“If you were trying to win me over, you lost a few points that time!”

Or, you could try to help him out, tell him he seems like a really nice guy but that he needs to work on his social skills, that if he wants to win you over, telling you you’re NOT beautiful is not the best way to start!

Or, you could say you’re looking for a man who isn’t as good socially, because you’ve had a bad experience with them, so maybe you could, likewise, date him!

**Attention everybody! ** Does anybody have any suggestions for “come backs” when guys do this to her, so she’s prepared next time? I know we have some really witty people here on the forum, and surely this would be “a piece of cake” for one of them.

As to why men “put their foot in their mouth”, I don’t know. Maybe it’s genetic! Ironically, he seemed to be trying to win you over, but he seemed to have no clue how to do that. Sometimes, it can almost seem like men and women speak almost like a different language, at times.

Or, you could say that maybe the reason he’s not currently with anybody is that he says things like this to girls he’s trying to date, that starting with a “pick up line” like that, probably wouldn’t be the best idea!
 
Think yourself lucky, OP, that you won’t be dating such a superficial and ignorant man. They are not all like this, only the vain ones who often have nothing to be vain about, in any case.

You will find the right one for you and he will see your beauty. My husband is always telling me that I am beautiful, and believe me, I’m absolutely not and never have been, I’m just an ordinary-looking middle-aged woman with grey hair and no make-up!

edit - ClearWater, I think I might say “Thank you so much for that delightful back-handed compliment. It’s good to know I’m plain but trustworthy.” 😃
 
Brendan_64 said:
Don’t expect a man to make you feel good about yourself or to boost your self-esteem. Most men don’t see that as part of the deal, it won’t even come into their thought processes. Men tend to just say what they think to be the literal truth as they see it. Women tend to talk in emotional ‘codes’ whereas saying one thing means that you think something else that you wouldn’t really want to say (such as saying “plain” really means thinking “ugly”). Men don’t usually think like that.
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I think this is good advice and for the most part, true, BUT…

…most men know that if they are going to say something about a woman’s appearance, it should be complimentary, even if they’re not pursuing romance. And I suspect that even though men do have a tendency to be forthright as you say, most of them would not appreciate being told by a woman that she doesn’t consider them good looking. Physical appearance and how they’re viewed by the opposite sex is a sensitive subject for people of both sexes, and for good reason.

When this kind of situation does happen, OP, I think you should identify the words as hurtful. Some people can mature into thinking before they speak, but if they think they’re giving you a compliment or simply staying neutral, you have an opportunity to offer some course correction before they go bumbling into someone else.
 
He’s had some bad experiences with beautiful people, as well (though some good ones, too). Sometimes, it can seem like at least some, let this beauty go to their heads, become sort of like vain and shallow. So, I think I might see what his point was. I’ve had similar experiences, myself, with beautiful people.

I’ve read about both genders. The article I read said that we normally decide within 15 sec. of seeing someone whether or not we would be willing to date that person. It said this applied to both men and women, that the initial impulse tended to be physical, like it or not, no matter what people would say.

He seemed to react to beauty (very normal) but found out it’s only skin deep, which is good.

I once had a girl come by one evening as I was just minding my own business at the bus stop. Anyway, she was REALLY beautiful! There was a guy trailing after her beauty. She turned to me, insulted me, and continued! She said I needed to buy myself new sneakers in a really sarcastic tone. The guy with her had, what seemed to be gifts…balloons, etc.

Physically, she was so beautiful, but her personality came across very ugly to me that day.

I guess she was trying to do me some kind of favor, and actually, I knew I needed new footwear. I have severe arthritis, had a heck of a time here, in Mexico, finding some that didn’t put me in a lot of pain. I didn’t bother to get into it with her, though.

Her beauty had made her arrogant. However, even beauty is ephemeral…won’t last. The most beautiful woman will one day, fade. She will get wrinkles, gray hair, and all the rest, like the rest of us! So, at best, this scenario of beauty is only temporary.

We need to work on inner beauty and internal qualities which would be more lasting.

Some spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, trying to make themselves beautiful, and might forget that the most important qualities are internal.

Anyway, if you see this guy ever again, why don’t you just level with him, tell him he really hurt your feelings the other day? Tell him that no woman likes to be told things like that. Maybe then, he’d at least learn for the next time!
 
Never ever look to a guy to boost your self esteem it just wont happen always rely on the Lord to see your beauty, especially the beauty from within.

You know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what one person regards as beauty another one wont. Who cares about outward beauty, it fades with time, look at the good looking guys of 10/20 years ago, who did have hair on there head, this hair is no more, they are bald.

Unfortunately men judge by appearances, as they want other guys to think they are great as they have found a good looking woman, but what use is this if she has a nasty tongue, and mind, and not kind within. Where women are not so hung up about looks, but rather what is in the mind and the heart which is more important, don’t consign yourself to being single, make up and maybe a newer way of dressing, modest but smart, and an air of confidence will do it, please don’t write yourself of that is lacking in self esteem, show your other qualities, next time a guy makes an unpleasant remark about being plain or whatever, say back to him, WELL IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ANOTHER.
 
pensmama87 said:
I think this is good advice and for the most part, true, BUT…

…most men know that if they are going to say something about a woman’s appearance, it should be complimentary, even if they’re not pursuing romance. .
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Most men do know this, boys don’t. Most men are still boys until they get well past their mid 20’s.
pensmama87 said:
And I suspect that even though men do have a tendency to be forthright as you say, most of them would not appreciate being told by a woman that she doesn’t consider them good looking.
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The guy said she wasn’t beautiful. If a woman told me I wasn’t beautiful and was “plain” it wouldn’t upset me at all. I’d just think, “that’s a bit rude”, walk away and not give it another thought.
pensmama87 said:
When this kind of situation does happen, OP, I think you should identify the words as hurtful.
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A slap across the face might be a better response.

I do think women internalise things far too much than is good for them. I’ve apparently upset women before, to the point where I’ve been cold-shouldered and given the silent treatment (by them and their friends) even though I have no idea what I’ve done wrong, and when asked they won’t tell me (and probably can’t remember themselves). My response was just to shrug, scratch my head and carry on as normal (which also upset them, because I wasn’t upset that they were upset).
 
How old was this guy? Realize that we don’t have our prefrontal cortex (in the brain) developed until sometimes as late as age 35 y.o. This controls judgement! So, maybe it was that!
 
jenwha said:
My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”
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Yes, as a man I agree this is a tendancy for many of us. Though, some of us know it is our foolish nature and try to overcome it. Just think about how easy it is to forgive a cute little 3 yr old girl (like my daughter;)) and how much more challenging it is to forgive a spouse!

I think this man was perhaps recognizing that he would rather be with someone who is beautiful on the inside, but horribly communicated his desire to prefer your company. He NEEDS to work on his own inner beauty, AND remember that a woman should be complimented on the beauty she does posses if he wishes any attraction on her part!

Peace,
Michael
 
You are right, that was hurtful and rude and I am sorry that you were spoken to this way, please don’t allow ignorant people to drive your self worth, God has created you in His image and He loves you. Always remember that. You have received some excellent advice but I would like to add the “I” messages work very well in these situations and I would urge you to practice some for future use. Next time, and I hope there won’t be one, respond with something like this. “I feel hurt by that comment, I know I am not a model but I am a human being.”
 
jenwha said:
My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”
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Do mean some guys or all guys. If you mean all guys I have an issue with that.
 
jenwha said:
My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”
Click to expand...
Don’t assume all men are like that - I know I am not, and never have been. But yes, there are a lot of rude, crude men out there - keep looking! 🙂
 
If an alien were to survey our popular music,radio, tv and movies I wonder what they would think our society holds as idea behavior for a man or woman.
 
The irony of this thread and the OP’s comment is that there have been numerous threads by young men (or as I call them man-boys) who sit around complaining about the shallowness of the women THEY meet 🤷 and the hurtful things women say because they don’t have a nice enough car, good job, shower on a regular basis :rolleyes:

The fact most men in this age bracket don’t have social skills, period. I know that is a generality, but I am at a loss that any of these guys ever have a steady girlfriend because of the way they treat the women in their lives. It’s not that they are intentionally cruel, it’s just that they have no idea how idiotic they sound.

As a teacher I have been told by students that you are a better teacher than Professor So and So because he can’t teach “because he is so smart, not like you!” My comment: I know that there is a compliment in there somewhere, but darn, I can’t find it! :eek:
 
lovedance4ever said:
I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.
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I’m saddened to hear that some guys you’ve known have said such rude and cruel things to you. It is really just a reflection on THEM, not you, though! Please know that you ARE beautiful - inside and out. You were created in God’s image, and no one can take that amazing fact away. Many people, male and female alike, try to make themselves seem more wonderful by putting down others - in many different ways. In their minds, it must seem to help them feel better about themselves in a ridiculous way. They usually have VERY low self-esteem.
Many excellent suggestions have been given above. I especially like the come-backs recommended! Definitely try to keep those in mind if it ever happens again. And unfortunately as one poster said, many men are very selfish ( many women are also), and they only think about themselves, especially until they get older (and often eventually get treated the same rude way by others to help give them a lesson or two in human feelings…).
The good news is that you’ve found out early enough with these types of guys that they are NOT the kind you’d want to get serious with, especially at this stage of their lives. There are a lot more wonderful men out there who actually care about other’s feelings and would make MUCH BETTER partners to get to know more. Just keep being the caring, kind, and lovely person that YOU are, and you will meet one that’s right for you when the time is right. Don’t rush it - it will happen - and probably when you least expect it! In the meantime, enjoy the process as much as you possibly can in getting to know various types of guys and doing fun things either with them or not. God works in awesome, mysterious ways. His plan is the perfect one, no matter what. Hugs to you - and a prayer is heading your way!
 
I honestly think you are beautiful ***lovedance4ever ***:yup: . Hmmm… I…do you… want… like uh… to go out or something? :whistle: blushing 😊
 
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