Why do guys say such hurtful things?

[david_patrick]

hi, male speaking here/ males can be quite thankful too, so the male secretly admires the female, in general/poetry might express that/what poem might you add?
i have written an unpublished book (copy right pending)
in pretext, depression hits the male mentally as well as physically/
the poem is thanks for rescue/ Note 'I" or "my"is male/while ‘she’ is his friend…
Tight Rope Walker by David Patrick
Here is how the final episodes of my depression-
a good thing-
Did subside,
Simply by remembering a kind act from someone who, (and)
By recognizing what they did for me.
The crowd below raised their Eyes-who watched in awe;
Looking up: “would she fall?”
They watched and all amazed
At the skill of the tight rope walker.

And also unknown to the crowd,
They remain unaware of her story.
This courageous tight rope walker was once in the crowd

There was an inscrutable aura surrounding her balance.
While participating-a greater endings-of two stories.
“love finds you,” or
“Let loose…fear of falling”.
Existentialist malaise
Stressed-depressed
Then my pupils turned dark velvet-
falling into my depression to focus two fold.
Looking into the abyss,
as if an angry rhesus monkey-becoming both images,
During that depression, mirror of forgetfulness due to pride.”
“It was me!”

Having had entered a labyrinth of fairly tales- ill of will,
Meanwhile, the tight rope walker-her secret story was revealed
That she, in fact, many years ago-had been once in the crowd-
Admiring and watching the act.

Awakened from my depression-she looked at me (stupid monkey-me):
The crowd did cheer and gasp in awe,
High up she walked the journey of the narrow
I sat amongst the silence of on lookers leading a cheer!
I escaped my depression by remembering an act of kindness
Done to me. (stupid monkey)
I sensed her stories’ ending-strength,
Love, and voluntary will-all- became
Skills of the heart when there was no net.
I am confident cheer leader.

 

[Xantippe]

“That’s too bad. I’m looking for a guy who thinks I’m pretty.”

And by the way, I would decode this to mean that he actually does think that you are at least a 7, but he’s been having trouble with 9s and 10s. If he thought you were a 3 or a 4, he wouldn’t bother.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, younger guys may not be as astute about what a difference makeup and dress makes. His “beautiful girls” may be “plain” once they’ve scrubbed their faces off at night.

There’s a funny youtube video where a young woman demonstrates how to fake being hot.

Keep looking!

 

[Lorelei12]

That was extremely rude, but at least you know now not to waste your time with him. Better that he shows you who he is early on. Even if he hadn’t said what he said about you, going on and on about an ex isn’t exactly an indicator of relationship readiness.

Where are you meeting all these rude men? I’d caution you not to get into the “men are pigs” mindset, because if you really believe that then I don’t think it’s right to be dating. Some men are rude, some women are rude. Maybe you’re meeting these men in the wrong places.

 

[Sarabande]

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.

First - I’m very sorry that you have gone through this. These guys aren’t worth your while.

Second - From my own personal experience, I definitely know it’s easier said than done, but know your worth and love yourself. I used to think it was a bunch of bull when older and wiser people gave me this advice when I was younger. Now that I have listened and realized my worth as a person, the world has opened for me. You ignore the words of contrarions, the jerks, the cynics, etc. and keep a positive outlook.

With this particular guy you were talking with, it seems he really is not over his ex. It also sounds like he has a lot of hurt and issues he needs to deal with… namely his idea that all physically beautiful women (or at least the women he finds beautiful) aren’t trustworthy. It seems that he has been hurt by many “beautiful” women as you have been hurt by many men.

Whether or not you are physically beautiful is unimportant. For every woman who might be viewed as beautiful by one person, there is another person who will believe the opposite.

I remember overhearing a boy in high school calling me ugly when another boy suggested that he’d ask me to homecoming because he thought I was attractive. At that time, it brought my self-esteem very low because I had already believed that I was an ugly individual and I had a good cry and allowed myself to be self-absorbed in my own self-pity. That was until my mom gave me a nice figurative swift kick in the bum and made me realize that what these boys thought of me meant nothing. That there was more to life than what boys thought of me and that I should focus on developing myself as a person. It was then that I realized only until then would God bring me the right kind of man for my life IF it was in His will. I trusted that whatever His path for me, I would accept and content and maybe even joyful about it. And you know what? She was absolutely right. When I wasn’t in search of love and relationships and was content with where I was and where I hoped to be heading, was when things opened up in the relationship department. Yet, I was very happy to be single as well.

Really love yourself, embrace your faith and God and truly know your worth as a person. Take the rude things those “men” have told you and throw them away. Adversity will either diminish you or make you stronger. Strive for the latter. It’s not always easy, I know, but persevere. It will make you a stronger person if you do persevere and rise above it. I promise you that.

Hugs:hug1:

 

[Brendan_64]

“That’s too bad. I’m looking for a guy who thinks I’m pretty.”

And by the way, I would decode this to mean that he actually does think that you are at least a 7, but he’s been having trouble with 9s and 10s. If he thought you were a 3 or a 4, he wouldn’t bother.

 

[Sarabande]

I should add, not all men are awful people who say hurtful things, just like not all beautiful women are untrustworthy. There are good people and bad people. It’s not ruled just by one gender.

 

[thequietsinger]

I had a discussion with a friend at work last night that relates to your thread. He told me that some (not all) men who just compliment your looks and body, and not your heart or beauty on the inside, just want you for that one thing that should be saved for someone who truly loves you. I don’t agree with what this boy said to you, but perhaps he was trying to work his way up to saying about how lovely your inner beauty is, but the words wouldn’t come or he just drifted away from it, especially if he thought it sounded too weird to say.

 

[Sarabande]

I had a discussion with a friend at work last night that relates to your thread. He told me that some (not all) men who just compliment your looks and body, and not your heart or beauty on the inside, just want you for that one thing that should be saved for someone who truly loves you. I don’t agree with what this boy said to you, but perhaps he was trying to work his way up to saying about how lovely your inner beauty is, but the words wouldn’t come or he just drifted away from it, especially if he thought it sounded too weird to say.

That’s a good point. He may not be good with the spoken word and it just all came out wrong. I know I’ve done the foot in mouth action, myself, and meant something completely different from what actually came out of my mouth… or on the written page or computer screen.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

I am one of those guys you are talking about… But that doesn’t mean I’m trying be mean, I just haven’t been around women all that long and don’t have a great understanding of how my words will effect them. Like I’ll say something without thinking much of it and the girl will have a different take on it.

 

[savedbygrace71]

I honestly think you are beautiful ***lovedance4ever ***:yup: . Hmmm… I…do you… want… like uh… to go out or something? blushing

well said!!

lovedance4ever, all the rotten things all the different young guys say over the years will simply serve to make “the one” that much more wonderful when you meet him. When I met my husband I was simply bowled over with his courtesy, respect, and adoration

Just chalk this one up to the foot in the mouth syndrome. He wasn’t thinking before he spoke, and didn’t realize (hopefully) how totally hurtful “plain” would be to a woman. Even as caring and loving that my husband is, he often will not say things in the way I would. For example, I say “how do I look”? and he says, “fine”. Wrong answer!! lol. Sometimes men forget that women would like a little more detail

 

[LegoGE1947]

Agreed!

That really isn’t Regard. That’s using someone like a toy! If someone really had regard for someone else, they would get past the pretty face or nice figure to the person him or her self.

 

[Brendan_64]

I am one of those guys you are talking about… But that doesn’t mean I’m trying be mean, I just haven’t been around women all that long and don’t have a great understanding of how my words will effect them. Like I’ll say something without thinking much of it and the girl will have a different take on it.

Don’t try to understand how women think. I spent 25 years trying to understand how women think and then when I got to the age of 40 I just accepted that it is impossible for a man to understand how women think, I wish just I’d have come to that conclusion 20 years earlier. They’re different, they’ll get upset with you for the smallest of things and you’ll be left scratching your head thinking, “What did I do, what did I say?”. So just do your best and when you end up upsetting them, don’t worry about it (9 times out of 10 you will have meant no harm, and 6 times out of 10 you will have done nothing wrong).

 

[Peter12rb]

Sorry to hear that someone said that to you, that’s really an immature thing to say.

Lots of us guys (and plenty of women too) say things that are hurtful, or are more hurtful than we intend. I think it’s because A.) we’re not born with the maturity that’s needed to be good, emotional, romantic partners to each other, and B.) the society we live in is a pretty bad teacher at times. While there are good role models for men and women out there, there’s also plenty of bad influence from trashy shows like Jersey Shore, misogynistic music lyrics, etc, and that’s before you throw hormones into the mix. I jokingly feel like we should get purple hearts for making it through our teenage years and early 20’s.

The bad experiences you have now may be hurtful, but they can also serve as a good learning experience regarding what is and isn’t acceptable behavior from a partner. I’m a guy, and have also been on the receiving end of hurtful comments (I was/am overweight and had plenty of fat jokes directed at me in my teenage years). I learned that certain behavioral traits in others would serve as a good indication of a potentially good relationship (e.g., if they didn’t talk trash about others behind their backs, then they could generally be trusted not to talk trash about me). And my pain taught me how not to treat others. You have an opportunity to learn similar things with all of your experiences.

Lastly, one of the most difficult things for me to learn, and something that I still struggle with day to day, is to learn to let go of all this negativity. I’m in my 30’s now, and find I’m still affected by certain things that happened to me when I was younger. While I did learn valuable things from my experiences, I’ve had to learn to let go, accept, forgive, and move on. My life has been blessed more and more as a result of it, and I pray that God will give you the grace and understanding to grow through your experiences as well.

 

[mexolic]

For a guy to say that he doesn’t find you attractive, but prefers you because “beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy”. That really is a very unkind remark to make. My advise to people I know personally is usually much stronger. I’ll bite my tongue and just say perhaps he’s not the true man for you. There are good decent men out there. But as Catholics, we all need to forgive those who say unkind remarks towards us.

 

[Peter_Plato]

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.

Perhaps you should take his comment as coming from someone used to swimming in the shallow end of the pool. It could be that he is beginning to realize that the reason he likes the shallow end is because he hasn’t learned to swim in the deep end. However, his comment seems to be an acknowledgement of his inability to coordinate his strokes, even if he had a clumsy way of putting it.

On the other hand you are, also, coming across as a shallow end swimmer, one who feels at home in shallowness, but doesn’t appreciate the elbows and foot thrusts of the other “thrashers” to be found there.

Doesn’t your “need” for acknowledgement of your beauty put you in the same ideological camp as his looking for a beauty?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your wistful longing to be told you are beautiful by someone else betrays a deeper (or perhaps shallower) issue with your own self-acceptance. Why do you NEED someone else to tell you that you are beautiful? Perhaps it is for the same reason that he thinks he NEEDS what he perceives to be a “beautiful” woman by his side. He simply hasn’t realized the beauty of WHO he is. Your “shallow” assessment of that beauty is no more or less shallow than his need for “a beauty” beside him. I’ll leave you to finish the inference.

Hint: “What makes a person truly beautiful?”

Learning to fly is the hardest thing.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.

Did you ask him what possesses him to say something so stupid and thoughtless? You do realize he didn’t just insult you, but essentially every woman on the planet? You should not take people with no brain to regulate their tongue quite so seriously.

“Well, you should be careful what you say around us, though, because we “plain girls” also know how to tell you bluntly when you’ve said something stupid and thoughtless. Men may like plain girls, but there aren’t many women who like dimwits who are constantly insulting people because they don’t think and they don’t know how to keep their mouths shut.” If he does not get your meaning (which I am afraid is possible), draw him a picture. Angrily draw him a picture.

And then for his own good, don’t accept his apology with a “that’s OK”. Accept it with a “You SHOULD be apologizing! You not only just insulted my looks, you just said that all women are either beautiful or trustworthy, but none are both. Thank you for treating me to an insult of several billion people! Very nice! Who’s next? All the Asians? Everyone born in months with an “R”?”

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.

That, that is quite appalling. Keep in mind that in general guys are incompetent when speaking to women.

My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”

It’s not all of them, it’s 20% making the other 80% look bad.

Don’t try to understand how women think. I spent 25 years trying to understand how women think and then when I got to the age of 40 I just accepted that it is impossible for a man to understand how women think, I wish just I’d have come to that conclusion 20 years earlier. They’re different, they’ll get upset with you for the smallest of things and you’ll be left scratching your head thinking, “What did I do, what did I say?”. So just do your best and when you end up upsetting them, don’t worry about it (9 times out of 10 you will have meant no harm, and 6 times out of 10 you will have done nothing wrong).

Like?

 

[Xantippe]

Like?

“Put another log on the fire” has some good ones.

youtube.com/watch?v=oOCC1EKXRBc

 

[Virga]

I’m sorry this happened. It’s not just a matter of needing someone to affirm your self-worth. This guy was being immature and insensitive. I think any person hearing something like that would be rightfully offended.

That said, you must try to see yourself through God’s eyes and not other people’s or even your own at times. Remember that your worth doesn’t come from other people. This doesn’t mean trying to live as if you’re unaffected by the rest of the world though. Recognizing and accepting your feelings is important, and you don’t have to quietly take insults from anyone.

If a guy says something like that to you, speak up and tell him what he said was hurtful and why. If he refuses to stop after several reminders, ditch him. It doesn’t matter if what he says wasn’t* meant* to be hurtful or any justification he can offer. If people don’t make an effort to recognize they are hurting you, do yourself a favor and find someone else. It’s also one thing if someone is trying to encourage you to change or to offer advice, but that comment you described was just terrible.

But please don’t believe that all men are like this. They’re not. Like others said, sometimes these guys are simply immature and still have a lot of growing up to do. Not everyone, male or female, is great at putting their thoughts into the right words. Some eventually get better.

Sorry I have no witty responses to offer. In my experience they mostly backfired. The problem with people who frequently say backhanded comments is that they rarely see the problem with their own “compliments.” They’re impervious to sarcasm and seem ignorant of its existence when they’re not dishing it out themselves. Best to just point out the cruelty in their words directly. They can either own it and learn, or continue to make excuses.