Why do guys say such hurtful things?

[Hobbes42]

Wow… Great Man-hate batman!

Some serious generalizations going on this thread. (such as the poster claiming men are frustrated and single because they don’t shower -_- way to go…)

The initial comment was, hurtful. However let us keep in mind that many men (myself included) have a foot in our mouth at the best of times and no idea what we’re saying at the worst.

 

[Brendan_64]

Like?

Now what did I say?

 

[Peter_Plato]

Now what did I say?

 

[EasterJoy]

That, that is quite appalling. Keep in mind that in general guys are incompetent when speaking to women.

It’s not all of them, it’s 20% making the other 80% look bad…

Guys may not know how to express their feelings, but they know an insult when they hear one.

I don’t know many guys who wouldn’t realize that this clueless clod just delivered the worst “compliment” ever. If they had been sitting near him, they would duck, because they’d expect the girl to either whack him or lay into him verbally. They might even try to beat her to it, so she’d see that this guy was not representative of guys as a group.

 

[EasterJoy]

Don’t try to understand how women think. I spent 25 years trying to understand how women think and then when I got to the age of 40 I just accepted that it is impossible for a man to understand how women think, I wish just I’d have come to that conclusion 20 years earlier. They’re different, they’ll get upset with you for the smallest of things and you’ll be left scratching your head thinking, “What did I do, what did I say?”. So just do your best and when you end up upsetting them, don’t worry about it (9 times out of 10 you will have meant no harm, and 6 times out of 10 you will have done nothing wrong).

There are people who will punish you for “failure to read minds,” and as a rule the group of “if X loved me, I wouldn’t have to say what I want to hear, because he would just know” does run heavier towards females. Some even do it to their female friends, too! These are the people who will not answer when they take offense and you ask what you did to offend them. I don’t know if they think you’re just too impossibly thick or if they think you’re playing stupid when you KNOW what is wrong and don’t want to be blamed. It is the misconception that is the problem, though–that is, the romantic wish that those who love us would just read our minds and magically meet our unspoken expectations–not the gender.

Now, the two sexes have ways of communicating that are very different, so there is also the problem where one thinks “I’ve let him/her know what I like and what I can’t stand” when the other either got no message or else got a different message than what was intended. This can even happen when someone bluntly says what they like and don’t like. “Well, I thought when you said you hate X was that you hate Y, which usually goes with it. I thought this was a way to do X that you’d be OK with!” :banghead:That does happen more between the sexes than it does between same-sex friends.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Now what did I say?

If you have no idea, how do you know it is something small? For example on leaving the lid up when you flush, just see the Mythbusters piece on it.

 

[Brendan_64]

If you have no idea, how do you know it is something small? For example on leaving the lid up when you flush, just see the Mythbusters piece on it.

Well if it was something big then I think I’d remember actually doing it.

If someone is upset with you and doesn’t even tell you what you’ve supposed to have done wrong, then what else can you do other than shrug, scratch your head and carry on as if nothing has happened (because without any information to the contrary, you can only assume that nothing of any consequence happened). Are you supposed to feel guilty about something that you don’t even know about?

 

[erine]

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I really do not need to be told how unattractive I am. Yesterday, a guy who I was talking to (we were discussing dating) was going on and on about how perfect his ex girlfriend was/is. She is an artist (a very good one, at that) and incredibly beautiful. So he took it upon himself to say, “Beautiful girls aren’t trustworthy. That’s why I am looking for plain girls like you - girls who aren’t beautiful at all.”

Why do men say these things? I’m sick of it. It’s not like I run into one jerk every once in a while…this is constant. Every guy I meet says something horrible like this to me, and I am beginning to believe it. I already thought I was ugly as sin, and now I know it.

I should just stop looking for guys and focus on being single for the rest of my life, because I truly believe that is how I will stay. I just wanted to write this to make all the men on here think before they open their mouths, because what you guys say, HURTS.

Thanks.

I don’t think you need that name calling. I don’t like this guy’s attitude of categorizing people like that. Some guys play this game of putting a girl down so she will want to seek his approval. It gets really old and obvious and it doesn’t work. If a guy said those names around me (just even using the word “plain” or “beautiful women”) I would be gone like lose my number gone. It’s just for me personally I can’t stand that kind of attitude. Relate to the individual in front of you! It’s like he doesn’t even understand the concept of a beautiful person yet and hasn’t come to terms with aging or his own mortality.

A real man would look into your eyes and see the beauty there and would be a wise judge of character no matter how a girl looks. And women that are told they are beautiful all their life have to cope with when their looks fade too.

 

[erine]

My opinion is because men are extremely selfish. They tend to have very little regard to women at all unless they look “hot.”

I don’t agree, but they are more focused on relating through sexuality than women and so their talk can come across as harsh. Not all men are about looks. Hotness isn’t about looks either I have found. But I think women aren’t aware how different men’s relational methods are. Is confusing to me too :s

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Well if it was something big then I think I’d remember actually doing it.

If someone is upset with you and doesn’t even tell you what you’ve supposed to have done wrong, then what else can you do other than shrug, scratch your head and carry on as if nothing has happened (because without any information to the contrary, you can only assume that nothing of any consequence happened). Are you supposed to feel guilty about something that you don’t even know about?

Sometimes what we don’t say is more important than what we say (although I’m personally known to be blunt especially when irked). Did you ask her what was wrong?

 

[erine]

He’s had some bad experiences with beautiful people, as well (though some good ones, too). Sometimes, it can seem like at least some, let this beauty go to their heads, become sort of like vain and shallow. So, I think I might see what his point was. I’ve had similar experiences, myself, with beautiful people.

I’ve read about both genders. The article I read said that we normally decide within 15 sec. of seeing someone whether or not we would be willing to date that person. It said this applied to both men and women, that the initial impulse tended to be physical, like it or not, no matter what people would say.

He seemed to react to beauty (very normal) but found out it’s only skin deep, which is good.

I once had a girl come by one evening as I was just minding my own business at the bus stop. Anyway, she was REALLY beautiful! There was a guy trailing after her beauty. She turned to me, insulted me, and continued! She said I needed to buy myself new sneakers in a really sarcastic tone. The guy with her had, what seemed to be gifts…balloons, etc.

Physically, she was so beautiful, but her personality came across very ugly to me that day.

I guess she was trying to do me some kind of favor, and actually, I knew I needed new footwear. I have severe arthritis, had a heck of a time here, in Mexico, finding some that didn’t put me in a lot of pain. I didn’t bother to get into it with her, though.

Her beauty had made her arrogant. However, even beauty is ephemeral…won’t last. The most beautiful woman will one day, fade. She will get wrinkles, gray hair, and all the rest, like the rest of us! So, at best, this scenario of beauty is only temporary.

We need to work on inner beauty and internal qualities which would be more lasting.

Some spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, trying to make themselves beautiful, and might forget that the most important qualities are internal.

Anyway, if you see this guy ever again, why don’t you just level with him, tell him he really hurt your feelings the other day? Tell him that no woman likes to be told things like that. Maybe then, he’d at least learn for the next time!

I understand where you are coming from and I have had some negative negative experiences with really beautiful women. But I have to just put in a note here that most of these women, especially in our culture, are extremely isolated and objectified and live with a high level of disconnect from others compared to most people. They often attract player shallow type men and mean women or so forth. Sometimes if they demand normal respect and human friendship like everyone else they get a lot of hostility from guys who are angry they don’t want to be more than friends or girls who feel threatened on sight. So bead that in mind we can’t dehumanize any group. I am the worst about judging people and getting defensive so I try to watch it a lot.

Beauty is also inner, when a woman knows she is loved. It is shocking to me some of the things other women feel that it is okay to say about other women that are perceived as beautiful. As in say publicly to their face. I’ve had some bad experiences. Anyway, it is very hard I know. I try to see women as all flowers in a field and each kind is necessary for the beautiful garden.

 

[Brendan_64]

Did you ask her what was wrong?

Apparently the fact that I had to ask was in itself something thoughtless and wrong. I just shrugged, walked away, and got on with whatever I had been doing before I asked. No point beating myself up over something I don’t even know about.

 

[lovedance4ever]

One thing I wanted to clear up…

This was not a first time occurrence. He is always saying things to me like, “If you lost weight, guys would look at you.” Also, he knows I get really good grades and have been told by my professors that I am brilliant (which is so very far from the truth lol), and he’s said things like “You’re not very pretty, but you’re brilliant.” I’m on a steady diet of these “compliments.”

 

[erine]

One thing I wanted to clear up…

This was not a first time occurrence. He is always saying things to me like, “If you lost weight, guys would look at you.” Also, he knows I get really good grades and have been told by my professors that I am brilliant (which is so very far from the truth lol), and he’s said things like “You’re not very pretty, but you’re brilliant.” I’m on a steady diet of these “compliments.”

Run away…

You seem cool, find someone better. Women are beautiful when they are loved, period. You are loved by the Lord.

Not saying to cut him off but if it were me I would approach next meetings with him way more detached and not feel like some bond between us obligates me to tolerate certain behavior. There are womanly ways to chastise someone doing this without getting defensive, rude comebacks or “protesting too much” lol.

Other secret: everyone has low “self esteem,” everyone is insecure, not just some people. Don’t worry about yours, trust in the Lord. I’m the most insecure person I know but I love Jesus and Mary. I know I am insecure enough to like guys who are mean. Just accept yourself and your human dignity and let time go by.

 

[EasterJoy]

One thing I wanted to clear up…

This was not a first time occurrence. He is always saying things to me like, “If you lost weight, guys would look at you.” Also, he knows I get really good grades and have been told by my professors that I am brilliant (which is so very far from the truth lol), and he’s said things like “You’re not very pretty, but you’re brilliant.” I’m on a steady diet of these “compliments.”

This is starting to remind me of the famous interchange between Winston Churchill and Lady Nancy Astor. While pouring coffee, she caught sight of him and said acidly: “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” “Nancy,” Churchill replied, “if I were your husband, I’d drink it.”

Lady Astor was an appeaser, and Winston Churchill would have had something to be concerned about if she* liked *his views. Likewise, getting the approval of this guy would be no prize. Besides, he sounds like he wants to take you down a notch. Don’t bite. He’s the one who is the problem, not you.

All you have to do is to ask yourself, “If he said this to a woman who weighed 100 lb more than I did and had everything wrong with her looks as far a the prevailing standard of “beauty,” what would I think of his ‘honesty’? What would I think of her suitability as a wife?” Well, of course you would think he was a moron, and if she were a good woman, you’d think the man who looked past her non-conformity to the prevailing fashion as a wise man, indeed, a man who would be rewarded for his wisdom in marrying a woman of quality.

Be willing to give yourself what you would give anyone else. Live so your habits of life will make your husband and family lucky. Let the rest take care of itself.

 

[ClearWater]

Don’t try to understand how women think. I spent 25 years trying to understand how women think and then when I got to the age of 40 I just accepted that it is impossible for a man to understand how women think, I wish just I’d have come to that conclusion 20 years earlier. They’re different, they’ll get upset with you for the smallest of things and you’ll be left scratching your head thinking, “What did I do, what did I say?”. So just do your best and when you end up upsetting them, don’t worry about it (9 times out of 10 you will have meant no harm, and 6 times out of 10 you will have done nothing wrong).

Yes! It’s sort of like men and women are speaking a different language, at times! I’ve never been able to understand men. The times I’ve come closest were scary! lol

 

[ClearWater]

This is starting to remind me of the famous interchange between Winston Churchill and Lady Nancy Astor. While pouring coffee, she caught sight of him and said acidly: “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” “Nancy,” Churchill replied, "if I were your husband, I’d drink it."

Lady Astor was an appeaser, and Winston Churchill would have had something to be concerned about if she* liked *his views. Likewise, getting the approval of this guy would be no prize. Besides, he sounds like he wants to take you down a notch. Don’t bite. He’s the one who is the problem, not you.

All you have to do is to ask yourself, “If he said this to a woman who weighed 100 lb more than I did and had everything wrong with her looks as far a the prevailing standard of “beauty,” what would I think of his ‘honesty’? What would I think of her suitability as a wife?” Well, of course you would think he was a moron, and if she were a good woman, you’d think the man who looked past her non-conformity to the prevailing fashion as a wise man, indeed, a man who would be rewarded for his wisdom in marrying a woman of quality.

Be willing to give yourself what you would give anyone else. Live so your habits of life will make your husband and family lucky. Let the rest take care of itself.

I wish I could do quick come backs like that!

 

[Xantippe]

lovedance4ever said:

“He is always saying things to me like, “If you lost weight, guys would look at you.” Also, he knows I get really good grades and have been told by my professors that I am brilliant (which is so very far from the truth lol), and he’s said things like “You’re not very pretty, but you’re brilliant.” I’m on a steady diet of these “compliments.””

By the way, are you familiar with the “neg”? It’s a well-known Pick Up Artist ploy.

dating.about.com/od/glossarywordsn/g/What-Is-A-Neg.htm

I can’t tell if that’s what he’s up to, but it is one of the possibilities.

I’d say first off that it’s time to find new friends, but maybe in the mean time you can “help” this guy just like he’s “helping” you.

Example:

“Dave, I’d like to talk to you about how you talk to women. Did you realize that you just insulted me? I wouldn’t mention this, but once you hit the workforce, this sort of thing could kill you professionally.”

 

[Peter_Plato]

Apparently the fact that I had to ask was in itself something thoughtless and wrong. I just shrugged, walked away, and got on with whatever I had been doing before I asked. No point beating myself up over something I don’t even know about.

Been there

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

One thing I wanted to clear up…

This was not a first time occurrence. He is always saying things to me like, “If you lost weight, guys would look at you.” Also, he knows I get really good grades and have been told by my professors that I am brilliant (which is so very far from the truth lol), and he’s said things like “You’re not very pretty, but you’re brilliant.” I’m on a steady diet of these “compliments.”

I have no idea why there would be more than one instance of someone saying that to you. One insult should be the only time you allow it!

If you know this man is like this, you should not talk to him.