Why do I feel this way receiving the Eucharist?

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Average_Joe17

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I was given the greatest opportunity to be an Altar Server for todays Mass (Ascension Thursday). However my joy and happiness went away as Mass went on.

I want every Mass to be as perfect as possible. However, it seems that every time that I serve that is never possible and I let down Jesus. The coordinator of the Altar Servers (who is also a deacon) blesses me by always giving me multiple opportunities to serve and I can not thank him enough.

Today, as I served, my shoe happen to hit the first step of the altar and made a notice able and hearable “clank”. Mistake 1.)

(Throughout the Mass I also made other mistakes, or at least what i consider mistakes)

At this point I am already having sweaty hands and armpits and overthinking. Once I receive Jesus, I just have a mini-breakdown inside and start crying quietly. Once I receive Jesus I welcome him and begin ranting about to him and apologizing constantly. I did feel joy for a moment but it all turned to sadness soon.

Its not just this Mass but it also happens at almost every other Mass I help serve, although less crying.

Is there a reason why I could be feeling this way?
 
At our parish we have an acolyte, an altar server and the priest at each mass. My husband is one of the acolytes. He has been serving at mass for ten years. For most of that time he was at every mass. He will ask me did you notice the mistake. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. Not only does he make mistakes but so does the priest and altar server. All of these men are adults. Not one of them are mistake free because they are human and they do make mistakes. Making a noise with your shoe is not a mistake. Starting a wrong prayer as our pastor did is. Lighten up on yourself. I know this is easier said than done. Realize that it is not only a great privilege but also necessary. My husband started because there was no one to serve. It has changed but it changed because he was there mistakes and all. He encouraged others to serve. One is now in the seminary. Offer the mistakes to God He is your loving Father who doesn’t care about the small stuff but He does care that you are there helping His priest.
 
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Be less hard on yourself and cease serving for a while untile you can get over the anxiety you have over small mistakes made while serving. Lastly, speak about this with the Deacon who coordinates who serves.
 
I think it would be a mistake to cease serving. He should serve more.
 
I think that is a good point.

@Average_Joe17, how often do you have the opportunity to serve?
 
Perhaps you might want to speak with your doctor or a counselor, as I would be surprised if this is isolated to serving Mass.

I was an altar server starting in 1956, and the sanctuary was raised four steps above the floor of the church. Then the altar was higher, on marble steps (3) and flooring. Because heels could leave marks, we all had to wear black cotton booties over our shoes. The missal was heavy and it sat upon a heavy brass stand, and I had to go up after the Epistle, pick up the stand and go down three steps, genuflect, and go up three steps to put it back on the altar on the left, for the reading of the Gospel.

Coming off the top area I slipped on the first step and landed abruptly on my seat with a thump.

I was about as red faced as one could get and the priest turned around and said “are you okay”; I answered and got up, genuflected and deposited the missal where it belonged.

While I was embarrassed, I got over it. It was an accident, and perfection had nothing to do with anything. We all tried to do things right, and other than being mildly (or a bit more) embarrassed if we screwed up in something, none of us were concerned about being “perfect” as the Mass was not about us; it was about the priest and Christ. That, and the issues you are overly concerned about do not make the Mass “perfect” or “imperfect”. It is not about you.

I don’t mean to be harsh; but if people are paying attention to Mass, they are not particularly paying attention to you and what you do. One does not want to be casual or sloppy in serving, but there simply is not that much an altar server has to do, and there is not an “exactly correct” way or “mostly correct way” to do what needs to be done. There is simply a correct way do doing it - for example, in the EF, moving the missal, or in the OF, bringing the vessels, etc to the altar.

If this is a continual problem, you might consider not serving, as from your account, your duties appear to be distracting you from properly praying the Mass. You speak of ranting about the matters and apologizing constantly; Jesus is not mad at you. All that needs to be said is “sorry, Lord” and then get about your business. I am no psychologist, but this sounds a bit like a form of OCD - which is why I suggest you speak with your doctor. It is not a fun condition.
 
Ah, yes, perfectionism and zeal. Hoboy, have I been there. I’m a singer, so you know that’s true.

Average_Joe17, think of all the stuff that happens as if it were somebody else who had made those little mistakes. Would you have been mad at OtherJoe the server? No. You might have winced or chuckled, but you wouldn’t have thought that OtherJoe messed up seriously. Neither does God think that of you.

All right. Now, consider that learning any complicated job takes many hours of on-the-job training – even hundreds of hours – to get “perfect.” But it doesn’t take nearly that long to get “good enough.” It sounds like you are at the “good enough” stage, but getting frustrated that you aren’t perfect.

Well, perfect doesn’t happen just from motivation. Practice makes perfect, because after a while your body learns to do the right thing automatically. Training your body takes time. And most of that training as a server has to take place “on stage,” actually doing the job.

If God had wanted everything done perfectly every time, He would have picked the blessed angels to be servers. Your learning process, and your dedication to working through mistakes, is part of your offering.

When something less than perfect happens, just keep going.

It’s like missing a step in a dance or a word in a song – if you just do what comes next, with the right timing, nobody will notice, or they’ll notice and forget. And the more you concentrate on just doing what comes next, the less you will agonize and distract yourself.

The less you distract yourself, the more it’s about Him.

So that’s my advice. Easy to say, hard to follow. But again, you will train yourself by doing it.
 
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That said, the blessed saints and angels are of course present in church at Mass, worshipping with us and giving you moral support. You are among friends.

So if you’ve got any special saint friends or patrons, you can always ask them to help you when you’re getting ready to go up at the altar. Good for the nerves!

Oh, and here’s a funny server video to make you smile: “Traditional Latin Mass Server Quarantine Workout”.
 
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A misstep is a red-faced moment, but should not trigger a cascade of other thoughts and emotions. Honestly, your reaction to absolutely human imperfection sounds suspiciously like scrupulosity. Might not be - however. I would speak with Deacon and/or Father. If this type of reaction frequently occurs, or lapses over into other areas of your life, you might also speak with your doctor. Whatever it is, you can conquer it.
 
Yes, you are human. Welcome to being normal.
God is showing you just that. You will probably make mistakes, few of us are perfect though we strive for it. Jesus doesn’t mind. Jesus loves us in our weakness and is right with us. If you were perfect you would not need a saviour. It is one of the many ways he teaches us humility. It is so incredibly difficult to learn. He doesn’t need perfection from us only love. Do everything with great love and don’t worry about the small things. Many saints have told us that it is not the success of what we do but the love we do it with that counts to God. Try smile at the small ‘errors’ and offer them to your loving God who walks alongside you. He loves you and cares for you and wants you to care what he thinks of your service only not of what others think. Ask God for peace and ask the other servers to pray for you. God bless you
 
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Average_Joe17 said:
Today, as I served, my shoe happen to hit the first step of the altar and made a notice able and hearable “clank”. Mistake 1.)
Click to expand...
I remember when I was altar serving like 2nd or 3rd time in my life. I was 15 or so at the time. Vicar-General came to visit to our Diocese that time and celebrated the Mass with our Parish Priest and Deacon present. I was only Altar Server as it was a weekday. During “Behold the Lamb of God”, clergy all knelt down and then got back up. I was pretty sure I should just remain kneeling but I panicked and rose up too. I remained that way as well. After the Mass I went to ask Priests and Deacon whether I should have remained down or not, and that I am sorry if I was not supposed to get up. They told me I was supposed to remain kneeling but Vicar-General also laughed it off and said “it’s okay, you don’t even realize how many mistakes Priests make. Don’t let this discourage you and it will be better next time.” . Then we kept talking about how long I am altar serving etc. He was very kind about it.

Another thing worth of note happened when I was Altar Serving to assistant Priest in our Parish. As I was supposed to turn Missal to Preface (“Lord be with you”, “And with thy Spirit”, “Hearts up” etc), I actually thought I turned it to wrong page so I turned it back on and tried to search for it. He just said parts he memorizes up until “Let us give praise and thanksgivings to our Lord”. That was moment I turned on the right page suddenly and he continued as he was meant to. He laughed about it in the Sacristy how I actually got the right page on the last try and was kind about it too. He said “it’s alright, half the people have no idea what you are supposed to do anyway, they will think you turning those pages was meant to happen”. Surely enough, one of my friends later told me he couldn’t altar serve because it’s hard as he saw me turning those pages so rapidly lol.

Give it your best… mistakes will happen. It’s alright, Lord knows you did your best and people and Priest do too. Just learn from your mistakes and dont let them discourage you.
 
There is no chance that you or I will ever be part or witness of a “Perfect Mass”. Simply put that out of your mind (and I agree with above, it may take counseling to get past this perfectionism).

I often Cantor at Mass. Having been raised in the music business, literally on stage since I was 6 weeks old and performing since I was 18 months old, national television, singing before crowds of 10,000 was just part of my life.

Cantoring for Mass, I was more nervous than I had ever been, that first few times, I hid in the choir loft after because of the mistakes I’d made. Finally, I spoke to my priest, he helped me remember that I was giving a gift to God and God is not going to return my gift for store credit.

It is so tempting to think that we are going to “ruin the Mass”, we fail to realize that the Mass is not about me. This is a sort of spiritual pride at work, do not give in to this temptation.

You can get past this, the Litany of Humility helped me so very much.
 
You are too nervous and self-conscious. Place some kind of favorite, small sacramental object like a scapular or rosary beads on your neck or in your pocket while you serve, say an Altar Server prayer, and relax.
 
We all make mistakes. As a sacristan I have made my share of them. My priest has always been nice about any mistake and has pointed out he makes mistakes too.

During one of our recently recorded Masses he was chanting a complicated Et Missa Est and he became so confused with the notes he left out the word Missa altogether. It happens.

I think most of the people in the pews know so little about altar serving they don’t notice mistakes.
 
OP - I’ve been reading at Mass for going on 50 years, having started in grade school. I know I have made lots and lots and LOTS of mistakes - some of them real whoppers, like the time I read the Gospel instead of the first reading (I’m not a priest, so there was no reason whatsoever for me to do that). But as long as the Church asks me to serve in that way, I will. God accepts my service in that role just as much as he accepts your role as an altar server.

Even when we make mistakes.

Especially when we make mistakes.
 
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I serve 2-3 Sundays every month. And sometimes in-between the week.
 
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