Why do people have children?

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It’s nice of you to say so, though that was hardly the pervasive attitude in my household. No matter, I grew up and moved away and made a life for myself.

I recall when I first learned about abortion as a young child and being chilled to the bone, knowing if it had been legal when I was conceived I would likely not be here. That was confirmed a number of years later during a discussion between my mom and my sister in law, but I was safely out of the home by then.
 
I’m actually someone who asked there parents why they had kids if they knew they could end up in Hell. Was very angry at them, still would rather have never existed just to avoid ending up there.

They actually said they just wanted too pass on genetics and raise a kid. The potential religious consequences for those kids never crossed there mind.

And for those who say “well if you go to heaven it’s worth it, having the opportunity makes it worth it”, I know of a couple (religious individuals) whose kid got involved in the wrong people, ended up in jail and in a gang, and got into a fight and had mortal wounds from that fight. On there death bed, one parent begged this kid (now adult) to accept Jesus into there life and there kids response was too tell Jesus and God to F off… (something I’d NEVER suggest doing, I cringed when I heard they said that). And a minute later there eyes glazed over, got really big like they saw something horrible and they started screaming and they died screaming… so yeah, this scenario (kid joins gang) isn’t likely in most families but these parents now have to live the rest of there life knowing there kid went to Hell. Oh! and one of my parents was there when there parent died (not a nice person most of there life) and they said there parent looked scared when they died and kept saying there was fire everywhere. So, it easy to say the risk is worth it because the kid “may” go to heaven until the kid actually goes there… and it’s too late for them at that point. And Jesus himself said those in Hell are better off never being born at all.
 
Calliope said:
It’s nice of you to say so, though that was hardly the pervasive attitude in my household. No matter, I grew up and moved away and made a life for myself.

I recall when I first learned about abortion as a young child and being chilled to the bone, knowing if it had been legal when I was conceived I would likely not be here. That was confirmed a number of years later during a discussion between my mom and my sister in law, but I was safely out of the home by then.
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That must have been horrifying to hear.
 
I feel upset by what you’ve had to endure,
but I’m glad that you’ve had the courage and strength to create your own life. I wish you everything good in your life. xo
God bless you
 
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Some couples can’t have children of their own
and still want children so bad that they adopt.
 
My dad told my mum she didn’t have to go ahead with having me if she didn’t want to. Part of me is still resentful of that - I need to deal with it
 
Yeah, such things have been troubling me all the time. Sometimes I think that, how much better it would be, if God didn’t create anything, which would mean that there would only be God, who is perfectly happy. But the fact is that God did create many things, and some (perhaps many) of them ended up in eternal pain. Sometimes, this fact is almost torturing me.
 
someone429 said:
Sometimes I think that, how much better it would be, if God didn’t create anything, which would mean that there would only be God, who is perfectly happy. But the fact is that God did create many things, and some (perhaps many) of them ended up in eternal pain. Sometimes, this fact is almost torturing me.
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I understand what you are saying and it resonates with a younger me who felt like I didn’t have much chance of getting into heaven. You have to step back and realize who wants us to fixate on despair, who wants us to lose hope, the father of lies. Tell him, “I don’t belong to you, my future does not belong to you, my future children do not belong to you, I am a child of God”
 
When I was growing up my siblings referred to the time before I was born as “back when you were dead” and would tell me how much better life had been. Apparently my mom went into a depression after I was born so things really did go downhill for everyone.

Yes it was hard to hear, and I spent my childhood trying to stay as small, unobtrusive and invisible as possible. I was reminded often that I was lucky they fed me and let me live there.

I guess before I came along there had been family vacations, picnics with the cousins, and generally mom had been pleasanter. At least that’s what I was told.
 
Thank you. It’s been a long road and I won’t pretend that I don’t still suffer some effects of what I went through. Harsh words were only a small part of it. But luckily life moves on. I raised my own kids and they never doubted they were wanted or loved, because they were very much wanted and very much loved.
 
Hugs. That’s really hard to have to deal with. I was in therapy for a lot of years but ultimately it has been 12 step recovery programs that have truly freed me from my resentments and the behaviors I developed. There is freedom to be found. I hope you are able to access it.
 
And you. I try not to take it personally but there are days when he’s annoying me and I’m helping him and I think you nearly didn’t have me at all!
 
We’re blessed to have you as one of us,
Both you and Calliope.

As a mother I do find it hard that you both, or any child, could be made to feel unwelcome as a person.

Halogirl, would it be helpful to tell your Dad quietly that what he said has left lasting hurt and made you feel unwanted? If you said in in a gentle non-confrontational way he mightn’t take it as a criticism that might make him defensive, but just realise that his daughter is hurting and needs to actually hear that he loves and values you? He mightn’t have a clue about the effects of those words on you? Or is that too great a risk? Perhaps he might tell you how precious you actually are to him?
 
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None of that was your fault. I know a family that is similar. The mom refers to her two youngest children as “vacation” and “orthodontist” to remind her older kids what they gave up when she had them. I cringe every time I hear it, but I’m limited in what I can do. I only know them at all because I was one of the older kids kindergarten teacher and she comes by my room sometimes to visit. The mom parades her kids around and acts like a martyr because she has “so many kids” and she “never has time to even shave her legs” (yes, those are regular things she tells us). She thinks it’s hilarious but it has caused major resentment between her older kids and the younger ones. The younger kids are beginning to lash out even in public. It’s a very sad situation. All I know to do is show love an kindness to the kids when they are in my presence. Do you have any suggestions on what may help them know that they deserve to be valued and respected?
 
Thanks trishie 🙂 for your kind words. he is close to the end of his life and we get on fine now. He never made me feel unwanted and it was my mother who told me he said that. No point bringing it up now it would distress him and he probably would not remember saying it. I am just visiting him and praying for him Xx
 
13pollitos said:
Do you have any suggestions on what may help them know that they deserve to be valued and respected?
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I was the youngest of six and it was hard to go to school in their footsteps to begin with. I felt like everything had been done before me, they teachers had expectations both good and bad because they’d taught my older siblings, etc. All my siblings were active in a wide variety of extracurricular activities but I was not allowed to participate in anything. Not even school plays. Nothing. So I had to dwell in the shadow of all my sibs accomplishments and was forbidden to have any of my own.

But I had a teacher in fifth grade who simply liked me. She treated me as an individual, and as if my interests were worthy, not as if they were bad and stupid and needed to be beaten out of me lest I one day want to pursue something. She noticed what I was good at, and like a good boss, gave me tasks that matched my skills so I had opportunities to succeed and develop some self esteem.

She never compared me to my siblings or placed any burden on me because of my family’s reputation. I was valued on my own merit. I cannot begin to tell you how much that meant to me, to be noticed, valued and occasionally celebrated for who I was.

I remember her fondly to this day because she was a beacon for me. I remember my mother coming back from parent/teacher conference scratching her head and saying she didn’t know what I’d done to my teacher but she had only wonderful things to say about me and told my mother how much she enjoyed having me in class.

Having someone pay attention to what I liked, and ask me how I was doing with a project etc, bothering to remember a fact about ME, not just my family. was very healing. I was used to people asking me how my older brother or sister was, about their athletics etc, but she was the only one who seemed to care about me as an individual, and that made all the difference.
 
It is good to hear some teachers Can still make a positive impact on children. So often we hear horror stories about teachers and I have witnessed some pretty awful things myself. It warms my heart that sometimes the little things we teachers are supposed to be doing anyway are the things that mean the most. Thanks for sharing this with me.
 
LIt’s appears you are already doing what is possible in your situation.
I certainly would make sure to notice any strengths, inner beauty, talents, anything positive I observed in each, and warmly tell them.
I do that to anyone, but above all I’d do that for those children.

Loving grandparents are the next best hope, if not kind siblings. It really is an atrocious abuse to make a child feel unwanted

However, it would be extremely difficult to counteract the lack of genuine love, respect and affection of the people who should love you most, primarily your parents. We all have that intrinsic understanding that our parent should love and treasure us, and if our parents don’t, we live that every day.

Parenthood does require of us, in many ways, to love our children unselfishly. A selfish parent can do enormous harm, including one who demonstrates favouritism amongst their children.

NFP didn’t work for my mother, and she had twelve pregnancies, the sixth was stillborn and I remember her grief, two miscarriages, the last one followed by her death later that day, prolapse causing a clot, which killed her at age 43. She loved each child. But I can testify to the effect that even one disruption to a mother’s love can have on children. My mum had a breakdown after the first three, and as a struggling man trying to establish a business to support his family, he couldn’t take care of us while Mum was in a nursing home for some months, so we three little girls were in the orphanage during that time, and separated from each other by age. The consequences remained with us. Mum explained just before she died, “after you were in the orphanage you never trusted me again. I have zero memories of the orphanage unlike my sisters. Knowing my weakness I would simply have shut down.

That was for only a few months! So I do feel dreadful for those whose whole childhoods lacked parental love. Mum recovered and never again broke down. The consequences of her death provided much effect on all our lives. Nine surviving children, the youngest four. By the night of the funeral Dad was seriously ill.

I just hope you who weren’t made to feel unique and loved realise that it was your parents incapacity for whatever reason, it wasn’t really about you.
You are precious
 
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