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Cracker_Mom
Guest
The reference to used furniture is a pretty good analogy if you are referencing STD’s. Those cracks & flaws may well be hiding bed bugs.
Why do people just give themselves away like its no big deal?
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Sonny1954
Guest
I suspect that many such people despair of ever finding happiness. So they settle for pleasure which, though very transient, is easier to achieve.
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Lost_Sheep
Guest
Another view.
My wife and I were both virgins when we got married 25 years ago. And over the course of that 25 years, our sex life has been one giant disappointment. We didn’t even have any children simply because we were so out of touch with each others needs we couldn’t get “into it.” And since both of us are firmly committed to our marriage vows divorce is not an option; we are basically stuck with each other.
In hindsight we both wish we had had some experience (not necessarily with each other) before we entered into this marriage. Then maybe we would have known ahead of time that we were not right for each other.
My wife and I were both virgins when we got married 25 years ago. And over the course of that 25 years, our sex life has been one giant disappointment. We didn’t even have any children simply because we were so out of touch with each others needs we couldn’t get “into it.” And since both of us are firmly committed to our marriage vows divorce is not an option; we are basically stuck with each other.
In hindsight we both wish we had had some experience (not necessarily with each other) before we entered into this marriage. Then maybe we would have known ahead of time that we were not right for each other.
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spunjalebi
Guest
Pardon my french, but that’s a load of garbage. Just because you were both virgins doesn’t mean that’s the catalyst to why your sexual relationship has been less than satisfactory. I think what you two need is a good dose of a marriage counselor who has experience helping couples with sexual issues. Or you should venture of to themarriagebed.com, where there are lots of couples who have been through similar struggles and you could probably get some advice there.
I was a virgin and my husband was celibate for many years when we got married, and I hardly think that’s a reason for me to say that’s why we’re not right for each other:shrug:
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mcteague
Guest
He is not drawing a deductive conclusion.
If it acceptable to date several people before marriage to learn what you like and who you are compatable with, why should sexual compatability be excluded from that process. I would not say that one has to have sexual experience to find a comparable mate. But why would you conclude that it is irrelevant for all people? It might be for some.
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AggieCatholic22
Guest
i was referencing STDs, and yes white does mean purity, and yes people abide by that…i am one of those people abiding to that rule because i want to walk down the isle to my future husband knowing that i have waited and knowing he wont be getting pieces of me, he will be getting all of me, and knowing that is why i am saving myself for marriage, and i wont be lying to him.because i will love him so much and respect him that i will wait till marriage to give him my gift from God…and a maid of honor is someone who is not married and a matron of honor is someone who is married
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ToeInTheWater
Guest
I must admit, I have never understood the idea of test-driving someone to check out sexual compatibility before marriage. Does this mean that if you meet someone with who you have great communication, share many interests, enjoy spending time together in a chaste way…and then you have sex, and it’s not an amazing, knock-your-socks-off, rapturous experience, that you’d just dump that person and walk away?
Or, does it mean that you carry on a sexual relationship for a few months or years, and if it turns out that one partner wants to have sex every day, while the other would be satisfied with having sex once a week, that this is a legitimate reason to walk away even if the partners are compatible in every other way?
It also seems there’s an assumption here that one’s sexual preferences, sexual drive, preferred techniques, etc., are completely fixed and unchangeable. No ability to change, adjust, and compromise with your partner. Apparently, in order to have all of your sexual needs met, it’s okay to “try out” numerous partners until you luckily happen on the one whose drive, preferences, etc completely match up with yours, so you don’t have to make any changes yourself.
Well, I could never imagine wanting to have anything to do with a person with such a mentality. I want to be treated like a wife, not a blow-up doll. And I’d hope my husband would like to be treated as more than a vibrator.
The other error in the assumption that sexual compatibility needs to be tested before marriage is, that there is no guarantee that a great sex life before marriage makes for a great sex life after marriage. I have heard of many stories of people who say quite the opposite. “We had a great sex life when we were dating, but now that we’re married and have three kids, we’re lucky to have sex once a month!”
Or, does it mean that you carry on a sexual relationship for a few months or years, and if it turns out that one partner wants to have sex every day, while the other would be satisfied with having sex once a week, that this is a legitimate reason to walk away even if the partners are compatible in every other way?
It also seems there’s an assumption here that one’s sexual preferences, sexual drive, preferred techniques, etc., are completely fixed and unchangeable. No ability to change, adjust, and compromise with your partner. Apparently, in order to have all of your sexual needs met, it’s okay to “try out” numerous partners until you luckily happen on the one whose drive, preferences, etc completely match up with yours, so you don’t have to make any changes yourself.
Well, I could never imagine wanting to have anything to do with a person with such a mentality. I want to be treated like a wife, not a blow-up doll. And I’d hope my husband would like to be treated as more than a vibrator.
The other error in the assumption that sexual compatibility needs to be tested before marriage is, that there is no guarantee that a great sex life before marriage makes for a great sex life after marriage. I have heard of many stories of people who say quite the opposite. “We had a great sex life when we were dating, but now that we’re married and have three kids, we’re lucky to have sex once a month!”
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Debora123
Guest
This is beautiful. We need more men like you in the world.
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spunjalebi
Guest
I daresay, but “compatibility” is a rather overrated concept in general. It wasn’t too long ago in Western cultures that parents, families, or communities were the driving force behind creating couples. It wasn’t necessarily arranged marriage, but the idea of being “compatible” wasn’t as much upheld as the idea of growing together. People date to see what they would like in a permanent partner, not so much to see if they are “compatible” or how much they are the same as the other person. People are attracted to certain qualities and there is a reason behind the “opposites attract” saying.
My husband and I are almost complete opposites on so many levels. I have been told from several people that it’s amazing to them that we were even together in a relationship and even got married! But I saw qualities in him about values, worldviews, work ethic, and yes even love, that surpassed the “compatibility” argument. Not to mention some of it also included growing up a little bit and having a more open mind toward the characteristics of the other person.
Oftentimes the people who use the sexual compatibility argument to justify sex outside of marriage are really more concerned about sexual pleasure than relationship. Before I was married, and when I was single, many men told me that they would not “give up a satisfying sex life” to really pursue a true relationship with a woman.
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Sonny1954
Guest
There may be something to what you write, “Another View.” To insist that people go from being sexually inert to sexually active with the flip of a switch, as it were, isn’t very realistic or healthy. If two people are sexually incompatible, then the marriage is either going to fail, or people will settle with being stuck with each other, which is just another way of saying “to fail.” To quote Thomas More’s Utopians, “You wouldn’t buy a horse without taking the saddle off.”
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spunjalebi
Guest
OR what the problem could actually be is of expectations and unhealthy teaching about sexuality. I will agree that there is a lot of unhealthy teaching, especially when it comes to boundaries. You have people at two extremes saying “no, it’s okay to do everything and anything,” to the other saying “don’t do anything, not even kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc. until marriage.” I have found that much of the teaching tends to go to that end, and then all of a sudden after the wedding night people somehow feel the need to go from having no desire (or at least suppressing it very unhealthily) to somehow the opposite. You can’t go from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds. Sexual desire in a marriage is supposed to be a process which is discussed (in an appropriate and healthy manner) before marriage all throughout life. This “flip of a switch” stuff is more likely to drive couples apart.
There may be something to what you write, “Another View.” To insist that people go from being sexually inert to sexually active with the flip of a switch, as it were, isn’t very realistic or healthy. If two people are sexually incompatible, then the marriage is either going to fail, or people will settle with being stuck with each other, which is just another way of saying “to fail.” To quote Thomas More’s Utopians, “You wouldn’t buy a horse without taking the saddle off.”
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ManOnFire
Guest
Buy a book. You could learn alot.
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mjs1987
Guest
People today dont fear or believe God especially in college. People believe that you need to enjoy life because tomorrow there may not be anything at all.
People do not have hope. They have no hope in God or in their own life. Young people today have gone through the divorces and failings of their parents. They also have to wait until they are in their 30s for marriage.
I think the longer you go without sex and feel the desire and calling to be married, the more likely you are to find a sexual outlet. Some people can overcome these desires while others cannot.
College often times takes the individual and makes him a number. College can be dehumanizing in many places. It can make you feel like you are just one of the many cattle that the university houses and educates.
I think if you change the marriage age and make younger marriages easier and also increase the hope and fear people have then pre-marital sex wil be less. People dont fear the consequences. We try to make everything lovey dovey but the result has been a loss of fear and reverence.
The Church used to list Fear of the Lord as a virtue. Now, it is “awe and wonder”. When people have some fear that their might be consequences for their actions, they might stop having pre-marital sex.
For others, the fear is there but the hope is not. They dont really believe in God and dont have much hope for the future.
People do not have hope. They have no hope in God or in their own life. Young people today have gone through the divorces and failings of their parents. They also have to wait until they are in their 30s for marriage.
I think the longer you go without sex and feel the desire and calling to be married, the more likely you are to find a sexual outlet. Some people can overcome these desires while others cannot.
College often times takes the individual and makes him a number. College can be dehumanizing in many places. It can make you feel like you are just one of the many cattle that the university houses and educates.
I think if you change the marriage age and make younger marriages easier and also increase the hope and fear people have then pre-marital sex wil be less. People dont fear the consequences. We try to make everything lovey dovey but the result has been a loss of fear and reverence.
The Church used to list Fear of the Lord as a virtue. Now, it is “awe and wonder”. When people have some fear that their might be consequences for their actions, they might stop having pre-marital sex.
For others, the fear is there but the hope is not. They dont really believe in God and dont have much hope for the future.
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spunjalebi
Guest
Kind of shows what some people’s attitudes are about God’s intervention, doesn’t it? Real sad actually. That’s like me doing something really bad back when I was young and then thinking my parents wouldn’t notice. Yeah right
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AnimalGal
Guest
Virginity is overrated. As a woman who has never married, I am grateful that I lost my virginity when I did. I certainly did not want to die a virgin, plus after the experience, the “questions” were gone. I have had good relationships, but they have never made me want to get married. The desire to have sex did not want me to get married.
I am much older now and glad that I didn’t wait. The thought of being in an incompatible marriage for years and years is just painful. I feel sorry for those who are stuck in them.
I am much older now and glad that I didn’t wait. The thought of being in an incompatible marriage for years and years is just painful. I feel sorry for those who are stuck in them.
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spunjalebi
Guest
The focus should foremost be on chastity, not so much virginity. You can be a virgin and not live chastely.
I think it is sad that you have such a low view on virginity though, considering what Catholic teaching has to say about sex outside of marriage.
“Incompatibility” is really a subjective experience dependent on a variety of factors. “Compatibility” is not concrete or immutable, and neither are humans.
I think it is sad that you have such a low view on virginity though, considering what Catholic teaching has to say about sex outside of marriage.
“Incompatibility” is really a subjective experience dependent on a variety of factors. “Compatibility” is not concrete or immutable, and neither are humans.
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vera_dicere
Guest
To jump in, I think to an extent excessive pre-martial sex, or pre-martial sex that is not thought out, ie. one night stand, damages a person. I flatted with a guy who’d shagged over 150 women, and then wondered why he couldn’t find a “nice” girl to settle down with. He’d go out with a woman and most of them he’d bed on the first date, and then later he’d wonder why she turned out to be a floozey! Of course, he too was a bit of a floozey in that he would cheat on his “girlfriends”.
He ended up with a few treatable STDs. And even got a girl pregnant who he held her hand while she had his child aborted - and he didn’t want the abortion, but felt it was the woman’s decision.
This chap also has serious mental health issues, and most of them stem around self-esteem [or lack of it], depression and difficulties with emotional attachments.
My friend is currently trying to set me up with a guy with similar interests in a secular way, and the reason she’s doing this? He is heartbroken over her. They had a one night stand which led to a “friends with benefits” kind of relationship, she had no interest in him romantically, and told me upfront he had a “package” as big as your arm, and getting him to date me would hopefully get his attention off her.
Another girl I know was shagging a guy who beat her. Her problem, as she saw it, she didn’t want to leave him because he had a big “package”, but how to get him to stop beating her? She couldn’t, so she accepted it. “A black eye occasionally is worth the sex” And this from a staunch feminist!
I could go on and on and on.
How are these people not damaged?
Granted, there are likely quite a few people out there who’s sexual escapades have not caused them such life long mental and physical issues.
Its just irresponsible to push the “shag all in sundry if you want” message. It hurts people. A lot of people. Even people who are currently happy in whatever sexual realatinship they find themsleves in will have nightmares they are trying to escape.
Remove religion and God and Victiorian opinions from this debate, and sex out of wedlock, or sex with multiple partners without any real connection is still just a silly idea.
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vera_dicere
Guest
That’s a human being you’re talking about “taking for a test drive”.
Dating/courtship isn’t a sexual try out. And imagine the heart break of the other person if you dump them because you decide they’re not good enough in the sack for you. Excuse me for saying so, but how utterly heartless, selfish and repugnant. It basically sums up everything that is wrong with this society’s sexual health.
12 year olds are getting pregnant. If they can figure it out, there’s no excuse why a grown married couple can’t.
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Sonny1954
Guest
Animal Gal, I was so straight-laced all through my college years and deep into my 20s. Very self-repressed. It wasn’t the desire to be chaste, it was the fear of a wrathful God sending me to hell. I waited til I got married that then found out that my spouse doesn’t like sex at all. You’re right, living in an incompatible marriage for years is painful, if not itself sinful. If I could go back and re-live those early years, I would have allowed myself some sexual experiences. That might have taken the sexual pressure off of our marriage.
Besides of all of the sins that people routinely commit around the world: wanton taking of human lives, cheating on taxes upon which the poor are dependent, spending more as a society on dogs and cats than on poor children, people taking cold-blooded revenge on one another, pedophilia…two unmarried people who care for each other, giving themselves to one another just doesn’t like it threatens civiilazation as we know it.
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Lost_Sheep
Guest
Thanks for your deep insight and incomparable wisdom.
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