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AnneElizabeth
Guest
why do people think that life will be happier when they are married to someone else?
just wondering what others’ take on this is.
just wondering what others’ take on this is.
Why do people think that life will be happier when we are married?
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Anglewannabe
Guest
it is the age old ‘the grass must be greener on the other side’
It is not just marriage
‘I will be happier if I work for company XYZ’
‘I will be happier if my kids are older’
‘I will be happier when I loose weight’
The list goes on
It is not just marriage
‘I will be happier if I work for company XYZ’
‘I will be happier if my kids are older’
‘I will be happier when I loose weight’
The list goes on
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lemongrass80
Guest
People feel that way about all kinds of things.
“If only I could ______, then everything would be perfect”
“If only I could ______, then everything would be perfect”
- lose 10 lbs
-get promoted
-change careers
-move to a better city - meet few friends
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Verdandi
Guest
Are you referring to people who want to be married or people who want to end their marriages in favor of finding another partner?
In the first I would imagine it is because most of humanity has a desire to find a mate witch which to share their lives, trust and love. Quite understandable really, it must be nice to have a special someone you can trust that well. Clearly that is not what all marriages are like or end up as, but it is what a lot of people hope for or aspire to.
In the case of the second idea it;'s because people can change a lot over the course of a marriage, sometimes they grow together and better compliment one another, sometimes they grow poles apart and even come to dislike one another intently. I have some elderly relatives who are practicing Catholics who have been married for sixty three years and have always lived in the same house but haven’t said a single word to one another since 1965. He placed his wages on the table once a week, she would leave a dinner on the table for him when he came in from work and would retreat upstairs to her own bedroom before he came in, she would also leave behind any money she had allocated him from the budget this week as well. That was the full extent of contact they had up until their retirement, and now they don’t communicate with one another at all.
Is that really something that should have been preserved? I think it only served to make them both miserable honestly, at least they never had any children. I actually think it might be one of the reasons most of my family (nominal Catholics) don’t take the Church very seriously on that topic, since that was the ideal if you happened to hate your spouse and be a devout Catholic in Ireland during the sixties (it would have been utterly scandalous and totally unacceptable to split up). Not the ideal now perhaps, you might just split but not divorce but if you’re going to do that it’s not much different from a divorce at all and if you married once you clearly must have wanted to find love in this life; odds are you might still want it again.
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ynotzap
Guest
Go back to Adam and Eve, Adam was lonely with all living things, except one like himself. One that he could communicate, love, and cherish as his own flesh. God ordained that they would be attracted to each other to form a family were love could be experienced, where there was a harmony in action regarding children. All had to labor one way or another, but a family brought love and a relative happiness, as much as one could expect here on earth. One can experience romantic, and conjugal love, and finally merit Heaven by accepting the challenges found in married life. There are exceptions, there are other vocations, and it depends on which one we are called to. For each vocation there is that special grace to fulfill the love and demands of that vocation. There is no paradise on earth, but there is love and peace of soul that comes from two faithful partners doing their Christian best to bring up a family I am certainly happier being married.
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AnneElizabeth
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Thanks everyone!!..
Ah, yes, Verdandi, I should have noted that I meant just getting married, but its the same question if someone is married and wants out, really. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut!
Angelwannabe and lemmongrass hit on it, but what is the answer for the ‘why’ of it?..
Why do people always think- even when they’ve gone through the motions of receiving what they wished for and then found it was not what satisfied- why do they keep on thinking that way and going forth? Should it be that way? Should we be content always? Never strive? Never grow richer? Smarter? develop an empire? (being silly grandiose with that last one there)
Really loving your answer ynotzap. Its beautiful!
When should one strive after something that they think is going to make them happier? What sacrifices should they make and what ones shouldn’t they make?
Ah, yes, Verdandi, I should have noted that I meant just getting married, but its the same question if someone is married and wants out, really. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut!
Angelwannabe and lemmongrass hit on it, but what is the answer for the ‘why’ of it?..
Why do people always think- even when they’ve gone through the motions of receiving what they wished for and then found it was not what satisfied- why do they keep on thinking that way and going forth? Should it be that way? Should we be content always? Never strive? Never grow richer? Smarter? develop an empire? (being silly grandiose with that last one there)
Really loving your answer ynotzap. Its beautiful!
When should one strive after something that they think is going to make them happier? What sacrifices should they make and what ones shouldn’t they make?
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Eric_Hyom
Guest
Nothing really prepares us for marriage, I have been married thirty years, the first thirty are the hardest, and I don’t suppose it gets any easier. It is one imperfect man, marrying an imperfect woman, and having imperfect children, it takes a huge amount of effort to make all this imperfection work. Lots of giving in, saying sorry, forgiving your spouse, and fighting all battles with loving kindness.
My own thoughts are that you should love your spouse, more than you love your children, if you get this right your children will benefit. You make your promises first to your spouse, not to your children. I have met a number of people who have split up, sadly, they say they love their children, but do not love their spouse.
Getting married is the easy bit, in the UK around half of all fifteen year old children do not live with both their biological parents.
I hope I have not put you of getting married,
My own thoughts are that you should love your spouse, more than you love your children, if you get this right your children will benefit. You make your promises first to your spouse, not to your children. I have met a number of people who have split up, sadly, they say they love their children, but do not love their spouse.
Getting married is the easy bit, in the UK around half of all fifteen year old children do not live with both their biological parents.
I hope I have not put you of getting married,
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ynotzap
Guest
If it will truly make them happier, and is the right thing to do. St. Tomas Aquinas explains that there is no true happiness here on earth, and he give the reasons why. He explains that we were created for God, and only God can supply that desire, which is Himself. St. Augustine stated " Oh Lord, our hearts are restless, until they rest in thee!" It is God who supplies us with love, happiness, security, and peace. All that we love on earth, He created. If we expect complete happiness on earth we will be disappointed We can have a certain relative happiness that comes from a clear conscience in our loving relationship with God, our love for others, and in loving others, we become loved. We can’t escape life’s trials, there is purpose in these trials. These trials if met in a Christian way are preparing us for the eternal happiness with God, and each other. This is where our vocation comes in, it is what God has chosen for us to attain this end. One needs to put God first, for other things can become false gods, husbands, wives, children, wealth, pleasure, prestige, anything that isn’t God. If God is first, He will supply our true needs, we must grow in Trust, we show God our love by trusting Him. By seeking happiness for others, we receive love and happiness in return and this requires sacrifice of self, like Christ.
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ClearWater
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There is a huge range of experiences and reasons. Some might have experienced abuse, one reason, and long for a spouse who won’t be abusive.
For some, the grass is greener on the other side, forbidden fruit.
For some, maybe they actually would be happier in another relationship, and they either pursue it or not, depending on their beliefs.
For some, it would be just a passing feeling that any married person can have at one point or another.
The list is long and continues. I don’t think there is just one cut-and-dried answer for the full range of human experience.
For some, the grass is greener on the other side, forbidden fruit.
For some, maybe they actually would be happier in another relationship, and they either pursue it or not, depending on their beliefs.
For some, it would be just a passing feeling that any married person can have at one point or another.
The list is long and continues. I don’t think there is just one cut-and-dried answer for the full range of human experience.
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
No, not really. Not any more than the reservations I already have due to just seeing what goes on! Its scary to think nothing prepares you for marriage. I know they have marriage prep classes and I’m sure that doesn’t do very much when it comes down to the difficult things mentioned!
I agree that one should love their spouse more than the children. I mean, not to the extent that they ignore the kids but I see it that its like a structure - walls, roof, for the kids to live in and under. I know that when i was a child i was most happy when I saw my parents together and being lovey towards each other.
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
I understand what you are saying here…
I suppose my question was more along the lines of why people think if they just get X, they will be happier. its not always the case and it seems that people’s lifetimes are a continuation of that accumulation of things desired, pursued and received, only to start it up all over again. Where is that going? Is it important? Necessary? And I guess, furthermore, is it true (are we happier after having got something) ? Are there instances that we should not stand for the status quo or should we just be ‘content’? When should a person try for something they want?
I do understand the answers for different personal circumstances would be different. I read it a lot on how singles want to be married. Not all of us will get that even if we want it badly, but so it is for other people regarding other things they want but won’t get. The Bible says that we are supposed to be content with what we have been given in life. But where does one draw the line between this and passivity?
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AnneElizabeth
Guest
Another good post, thank you!
Something I’ve never understood is how does one put God first when they are married? I can think of a myriad of ways it should be or could be, but I’m not sure I could do that. Its like what St. Paul said- the singles get to devote all of themselves to God. Its easier that way he says and that is what I am used to. This is why I pursued a vocation,only to be turned down because of a health problem. (They take it as a sign that its not meant to be.) This only leaves singlehood, and marriage as a vocation. I am not sure which of those would make me happier. What if you aren’t sure marriage would make you happier? What if you aren’t sure you’d be happier as a single? What if you think you would not be happier with either of those options?! Perhaps I’m just looking for perfection-“true happiness on this earth”?
I know, and adore that St. Augustine quote. Its very true, only I’m not so content anymore. All my attentions have become more focused on a certain someone I’ve met recently. Instead of being restless for God, I’m restless with things concerning this man.
I feel like I’m abandoning God, and not even wanting to when I was very content before just resting in Him. I don’t want a boyfriend/love interest/hubby to become a false god as you put it. I had done those things in the past when I was younger and felt I’ve moved on from that, but still, I don’t like that I feel distracted. I’m not exactly sure how to maneuver through this. Perhaps i won’t have to, but the issue is on my mind.
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ynotzap
Guest
I can appreciate your position, because I have experienced the same thing. Because of a great deal of stress in my life, I was not able to pursue a vocation to the priesthood, after 3 years of study. I was also an orphan as a child. I knew what loneliness was for 28 years. I knew that I didn’t want a single life in the world. I had a deep spiritual life influenced by my background, there was no other to turn to but God. I needed purpose to my life and the choice fell to two vocations, marriage or single life. So for me the elimination of the single life was easy to make. I did what comes naturally, I dated, but there was always an obstacle preventing me from marrying. Would you believe that I dated three girls, and all became nuns, or devoted to some apostolic order that didn’t marry. I thought God was really trying me. In truth He was preparing something else for me. I prayed a lot, and one day through a friend I met a widow with three children. Right then I saw my vocation, a woman I could love, and being a father to three children. I knew what it was to be an orphan. I sought the will of God, and I found that I needed a certain kind of woman, I never knew family life. God provided me with this answer. I thought that loving a woman would prevent me from loving God completely, but I found that this wasn’t true. To do the will of God was always my motive, and His providence always guided me,even when sometimes I thought He abandoned me. Love of God and love of neighbor are the two greatest commandments, and if we don’t love our neighbor then we do not love God. What neighbor can be closer then your wife and her children. I follow the Little Way of the Little Flower in my married life, and made it one continual prayer by performing the duties marriage requires of me. I can definitely say my love for God has grown because of marriage, it didn’t take me away, but brought me closer to Him, my wife, and hopefully brought my children closer to Him. I am still praying for them, they are grown and have their own trials to face. They have children too, and I can always look back and see the good things that have taken place in our lives, and I can always say Lord I did the best I could and thank you. When we trust God, we do the best we can in our decisions, and He works it all out no matter what decisions we make.Another good post, thank you!
Something I’ve never understood is how does one put God first when they are married? I can think of a myriad of ways it should be or could be, but I’m not sure I could do that. Its like what St. Paul said- the singles get to devote all of themselves to God. Its easier that way he says and that is what I am used to. This is why I pursued a vocation,only to be turned down because of a health problem. (They take it as a sign that its not meant to be.) This only leaves singlehood, and marriage as a vocation. I am not sure which of those would make me happier. What if you aren’t sure marriage would make you happier? What if you aren’t sure you’d be happier as a single? What if you think you would not be happier with either of those options?! Perhaps I’m just looking for perfection-“true happiness on this earth”?
I know, and adore that St. Augustine quote. Its very true, only I’m not so content anymore. All my attentions have become more focused on a certain someone I’ve met recently. Instead of being restless for God, I’m restless with things concerning this man.
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Eliza10
Guest
My first marraige was almost 20 years, right after college, and my life was not happier (though it took time for the glow of hope to wear off - I am an optimist!). I remember the growing feeling that grown-up life was just burdensome. And I felt old. Well that marriage our Church has said as “not a marriage”, and my marriage now (of just one and a half years) is happy. I can definitely say my life is happier now that I am married! I do not feel burdened with adulthood at all, and though I am older, I feel in most ways younger.
Between marriages, I was alone, which was not easy as a single parent, but truly Jesus is the husband to the husband-less, and He was my comfort then, and also in many of the loneliest times of my marriage (I think being in a bad or sad marraige is truly lonelier than being alone).
Between marriages, I was alone, which was not easy as a single parent, but truly Jesus is the husband to the husband-less, and He was my comfort then, and also in many of the loneliest times of my marriage (I think being in a bad or sad marraige is truly lonelier than being alone).
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Eric_Hyom
Guest
We show our love of God, who we do not now, by the way we love our neighbour, who we do know. We strive to put God first, our neighbour second and ourselves last, the greatest commandments seem to require a sacrificial way of life. The Father, Son and Spirit are about ‘oneness’ and unity, and marriage is the greatest way of sharing a loving unity between two people.
Genesis 2
23 The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Life seems to be an almost constant stream of problems and crises, I am not sure how any of us can be happy if our spouse, children, parents friends are not happy also, we share each others concerns.
In a way, our own peace and happiness, depends on the peace and happiness of those around us. Our goal then seems to become; helping others find happiness; so we can be at peace and happy ourselves.
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Eliza10
Guest
This a very, very edifying. Thank you for sharing it. And God bless you.
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EasterJoy
Guest
According to a man who told me about regretting his choice to divorce, the reason was that he blamed his wife for their marital problems and would not accept that he needed to change himself in order to have a happy marriage. He realized this when he had to change himself in order to not ruin his second marriage and saw that he was going through essentially the same problems with his second wife for essentially all of the same reasons as the first.
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Xantippe
Guest
This isn’t a remarriage example, but I think I have been genuinely happier since my husband and I got married.
We had a very happy courtship and then an extraordinarily stressful engagement, as one side of the family was being balky and obstructive and was threatening heart attacks and boycotting our wedding. And that in turn caused a lot of anxiety to the other set of prospective in-laws. I spent a lot of time during our engagement being ripped up emotionally, but once we were finally married, we were largely able to put it all behind us. One member of the balky in-law couple was still balky and unpleasant and stopped talking to both of us for years, but it didn’t really matter.
I think that once I got married, I think I was on a much more even emotional keel. With one exception (the aftermath of a late miscarriage), I think I’ve been much more emotionally resilient since getting married, much less prone to despair.
We had a very happy courtship and then an extraordinarily stressful engagement, as one side of the family was being balky and obstructive and was threatening heart attacks and boycotting our wedding. And that in turn caused a lot of anxiety to the other set of prospective in-laws. I spent a lot of time during our engagement being ripped up emotionally, but once we were finally married, we were largely able to put it all behind us. One member of the balky in-law couple was still balky and unpleasant and stopped talking to both of us for years, but it didn’t really matter.
I think that once I got married, I think I was on a much more even emotional keel. With one exception (the aftermath of a late miscarriage), I think I’ve been much more emotionally resilient since getting married, much less prone to despair.
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bobballen_18
Guest
There’s a book I’m (sort of…off and on) reading right now which talks about holiness. In general, it says holiness consists in doing the will of God, in abandoning our own desires and making our wills perfectly united with God’s. So to answer your question of how to “put God first” in a marriage, well, by faithfully carrying out the duties you have as a married person, whatever they may be. The only way to be holy is not to be literally praying 24/7 or whatever - but I’m sure you know that…lol. That’s impossible anyway, aside from an extraordinary grace from God. So basically you just “sanctify” all of the duties you have in life, and in that way, you are doing the will of God and therefore growing in holiness and virtue.
I hope that makes sense. Sometimes I have no idea if what I type out in the evening (or ever) makes any sense.
In general, why do people think life will be happier when they are married? Well, as some have said, sure, in some cases it’s a “grass is greener on the other side” issue. Otherwise, it’s true that the vast majority of humans are called to marriage, and should therefore desire it. One is always happy in the vocation to which they are called, provided they are uniting their wills to God’s within it, and just very generally, people are happier when they are “around” someone and having people to care for.
Also, some people are just eager to start the family which they know God is calling them to start. I don’t think everyone who desires to get married is oblivious to the hardships that married couples experience; it’s just that they really desire to do God’s will and be a witness to the beauty of the family when lived out as God designed it to be lived out. This is the case for many of my friends. They acknowledge that marriage isn’t all fun and games but desire to “hurry it up”…so to speak. I guess the real challenge is, a) being patient and allowing God to guide us, and b) yet not sitting around doing nothing to further prepare oneself for their future marriage.
As a 24-year old, I find this to be my own situation, except with me there’s a couple added situations in there which make it really complicated. I guess that’s where it becomes really, really important to trust in God. I really liked ynotzap’s post as posted below:
I hope that makes sense. Sometimes I have no idea if what I type out in the evening (or ever) makes any sense.
In general, why do people think life will be happier when they are married? Well, as some have said, sure, in some cases it’s a “grass is greener on the other side” issue. Otherwise, it’s true that the vast majority of humans are called to marriage, and should therefore desire it. One is always happy in the vocation to which they are called, provided they are uniting their wills to God’s within it, and just very generally, people are happier when they are “around” someone and having people to care for.
Also, some people are just eager to start the family which they know God is calling them to start. I don’t think everyone who desires to get married is oblivious to the hardships that married couples experience; it’s just that they really desire to do God’s will and be a witness to the beauty of the family when lived out as God designed it to be lived out. This is the case for many of my friends. They acknowledge that marriage isn’t all fun and games but desire to “hurry it up”…so to speak. I guess the real challenge is, a) being patient and allowing God to guide us, and b) yet not sitting around doing nothing to further prepare oneself for their future marriage.
As a 24-year old, I find this to be my own situation, except with me there’s a couple added situations in there which make it really complicated. I guess that’s where it becomes really, really important to trust in God. I really liked ynotzap’s post as posted below:
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