Why do people think that life will be happier when we are married?

  • Thread starter Thread starter AnneElizabeth
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
ynotzap said:
I can appreciate your position, because I have experienced the same thing. Because of a great deal of stress in my life, I was not able to pursue a vocation to the priesthood, after 3 years of study. I was also an orphan as a child. I knew what loneliness was for 28 years. I knew that I didn’t want a single life in the world. I had a deep spiritual life influenced by my background, there was no other to turn to but God. I needed purpose to my life and the choice fell to two vocations, marriage or single life. So for me the elimination of the single life was easy to make. I did what comes naturally, I dated, but there was always an obstacle preventing me from marrying. Would you believe that I dated three girls, and all became nuns, or devoted to some apostolic order that didn’t marry. I thought God was really trying me. In truth He was preparing something else for me. I prayed a lot, and one day through a friend I met a widow with three children. Right then I saw my vocation, a woman I could love, and being a father to three children. I knew what it was to be an orphan. I sought the will of God, and I found that I needed a certain kind of woman, I never knew family life. God provided me with this answer. I thought that loving a woman would prevent me from loving God completely, but I found that this wasn’t true. To do the will of God was always my motive, and His providence always guided me,even when sometimes I thought He abandoned me. Love of God and love of neighbor are the two greatest commandments, and if we don’t love our neighbor then we do not love God. What neighbor can be closer then your wife and her children. I follow the Little Way of the Little Flower in my married life, and made it one continual prayer by performing the duties marriage requires of me. I can definitely say my love for God has grown because of marriage, it didn’t take me away, but brought me closer to Him, my wife, and hopefully brought my children closer to Him. I am still praying for them, they are grown and have their own trials to face. They have children too, and I can always look back and see the good things that have taken place in our lives, and I can always say Lord I did the best I could and thank you. When we trust God, we do the best we can in our decisions, and He works it all out no matter what decisions we make.
Click to expand...
Thank you for this. Its very uplifting, and also as Eliza10 put it… very edifying.
 
I agree with most of the other posters here. Marriage done right will make one much more holy than not living out a vocation. Being holier will bring one more joy in life because you are closer to God.
 
Naskor said:
I agree with most of the other posters here. Marriage done right will make one much more holy than not living out a vocation. Being holier will bring one more joy in life because you are closer to God.
Click to expand...
I agree with you also… but does this mean that marriage is pursued or does it just happen? Meaning, should you, if you think marriage is your calling, your vocation, pursue meeting as many potentials as possible, making it your priority to date as many people as possible so to speak? Or does God bring that spouse to you and it just sort of ‘happens’ that you fall in love and things just carry on from there naturally/organically?

What I’m trying to say (and question here) is if one feels called towards marriage and no one is proposing, what does that mean for that person’s ‘call’? Is it fake? All in their mind? Do they have another vocation and not realize it? Why would God allow that- if vocation is something that will make someone more holy (and hence, it would be good for them) why would He not provide the proper resources for that vocation to commence or continue to allow a person to believe something (their vocation) that is not the truth? Do people get the vocation of single hood as default? If so, how could they live it to its fullest extent? How could they actually give their ‘fiat’ to that vocation that they don’t know they have?
 
AnneElizabeth said:
I agree with you also… but does this mean that marriage is pursued or does it just happen? Meaning, should you, if you think marriage is your calling, your vocation, pursue meeting as many potentials as possible, making it your priority to date as many people as possible so to speak? Or does God bring that spouse to you and it just sort of ‘happens’ that you fall in love and things just carry on from there naturally/organically?

What I’m trying to say (and question here) is if one feels called towards marriage and no one is proposing, what does that mean for that person’s ‘call’? Is it fake? All in their mind? Do they have another vocation and not realize it? Why would God allow that- if vocation is something that will make someone more holy (and hence, it would be good for them) why would He not provide the proper resources for that vocation to commence or continue to allow a person to believe something (their vocation) that is not the truth? Do people get the vocation of single hood as default? If so, how could they live it to its fullest extent? How could they actually give their ‘fiat’ to that vocation that they don’t know they have?
Click to expand...
I’m not married, so take my reply with a cup of salt.

My understanding that God doesn’t help us find a spouse or have a spouse for us in mind. Instead what happens is that God allows us to pick who to marry, for what ever reason, be they shallow or holy, and recognizes our marriage. The sacrament marriage is actually the only sacrament that we can administrator to ourselves!

There are many people who have their vocations go unfulfilled. Right now in the United States more than half of all adults are single. (source: washingtonpost.com/blogs/govbeat/wp/2014/09/15/for-the-first-time-there-are-more-single-american-adults-than-married-ones-and-heres-where-they-live/)

If someone’s vocation goes unfilled it is not because God wants it to be that way, but simply because of the fall. Many other bad things happen that God doesn’t want either.

I feel that many people will be unmarried through no fault of their own, especially in today’s world.
 
AnneElizabeth said:
I agree with you also… but does this mean that marriage is pursued or does it just happen? Meaning, should you, if you think marriage is your calling, your vocation, pursue meeting as many potentials as possible, making it your priority to date as many people as possible so to speak? Or does God bring that spouse to you and it just sort of ‘happens’ that you fall in love and things just carry on from there naturally/organically?

What I’m trying to say (and question here) is if one feels called towards marriage and no one is proposing, what does that mean for that person’s ‘call’? Is it fake? All in their mind? Do they have another vocation and not realize it? Why would God allow that- if vocation is something that will make someone more holy (and hence, it would be good for them) why would He not provide the proper resources for that vocation to commence or continue to allow a person to believe something (their vocation) that is not the truth? Do people get the vocation of single hood as default? If so, how could they live it to its fullest extent? How could they actually give their ‘fiat’ to that vocation that they don’t know they have?
Click to expand...
We all like guarantees- but not having them is a challenge to our faith, and hope, all virtues, and that’s the way of getting closer to God and grow spiritually. These are the priorities of life, and vocation. If one feels called to marriage and no one proposes, doesn’t mean someone never will, or that it is false. I found clear signs that religious life (at least as a vocation) was not for me because I tried all avenues open to me. I finally had to admit that stressful background was a real hindrance because a Missionary priest had to have a good stress tolerance I also dated, it is the natural thing to do to find a partner, knowing that it may never occur. I dated when ever the occasion presented itself. I had to expect disappointment and I had to expose myself to failure, always hoping for the best. When I look back, if I had married some that I wanted too, I have good reason, even though I didn’t understand it at the time, that the marriage had a good possibility of failure. Not necessarily because of the person, but because of me and my personality. There were things in my personality unknown to me at the time. When I married, these things came out, and it took a special woman to put up with me until God healed me of my fault. I was an religious idealist, and not enough of a realist, but God worked it out in a marvelous way, but not without suffering. When people suffer together, and enjoy things together, it makes for a loving, lasting bond between them, it’s conjugal love.

There is also the falling in and out of love when dating. We need to step out in faith, and prepare for disappointments and keep moving on. It takes courage,with faith and hope. I always looked for women who loved people, and like I said these turned out to be nuns:) What I found was somebody in real need, we could fill each others needs. This was looking at reality, and not an “ideal” I can never say I found it on my own, but in co-operation with God’s grace. God was there all of the time, working His will through my mistakes. Will there ever be a point where there is no more that we can do? Faith in God can do all things. If we have a vocation by default, I believe that after all that good will and prayer to determine a vocation will be rewarded with peaceful resignation and love by God. There is a saying" If you want to walk on the water, you must get out of the boat" meaning step out in faith trusting God to work it out, one way or another, this is our guarantee for happiness.
 
If you can p(name removed by moderator)oint what makes you unhappy currently and realize that being married would fix a lot of those issues, then it stands to reason that people will think that will make them happier.
 
I asked my wife this question yesterday.

I’ll let you know when she is finished typing…
 
Because unfortunately many people instead of understanding that happiness comes from.inside and from my relationship with Christ, think that happiness depends.on another person (a significant other) to come and rescue me.from all unhappiness. This is something I call rescuer/rescuee complex and many people.have it. They want someone else to come.into their life to rescue them from all their problems.and make everything nice, Rosie and happy. The problem is that life doesn’t work that way.
 
marymary1975 said:
Because unfortunately many people instead of understanding that happiness comes from.inside and from my relationship with Christ, think that happiness depends.on another person (a significant other) to come and rescue me.from all unhappiness. This is something I call rescuer/rescuee complex and many people.have it. They want someone else to come.into their life to rescue them from all their problems.and make everything nice, Rosie and happy. The problem is that life doesn’t work that way.
Click to expand...
It’s not about wanting to be rescued, it’s about not wanting to be lonely. People want people in their lives to share things with, it makes them happy. Let’s face it, if you’re unhappy because you’re lonely, marriage could be a big win. Imagine living a life where if something good and exciting happens to you and you have no one to talk to about it. Or if something bad happens and you have no one to talk to.
 
Bataar said:
It’s not about wanting to be rescued, it’s about not wanting to be lonely. People want people in their lives to share things with, it makes them happy. Let’s face it, if you’re unhappy because you’re lonely, marriage could be a big win. Imagine living a life where if something good and exciting happens to you and you have no one to talk to about it. Or if something bad happens and you have no one to talk to.
Click to expand...
This is a very good point. For many people, the only thing they are unhappy about their life is being unmarried. Then of course marriage will make them happier.
 
Bataar said:
It’s not about wanting to be rescued, it’s about not wanting to be lonely. People want people in their lives to share things with, it makes them happy. Let’s face it, if you’re unhappy because you’re lonely, marriage could be a big win. Imagine living a life where if something good and exciting happens to you and you have no one to talk to about it. Or if something bad happens and you have no one to talk to.
Click to expand...
This is a.problem.too. if.a person is lonely again it means that person is unhappy with his or her own self. So that person is looking for someone.else to stop the loneliness feeling. This is also a subconscious need to be rescued, I am lonely myself so I need a.second person to.come.and.make.me.Happy. To share good or exciting things that happen in your life you don’t need to be married. There are friends and family and a God with whom those things can be shared. Someone.who is truly happy with his or her own self doesn’t have this loneliness feeling because they can share things with many people. If someone doesn’t have no one to talk to and is experiencing loneliness that is deeper problem that comes.from.the inside and no marriage is going to solve that problem.
 
Gaudiem et spes 24:3
Indeed, the Lord Jesus, when He prayed to the Father, “that all may be one. . . as we are one” (John 17:21-22) opened up vistas closed to human reason, for He implied a certain likeness between the union of the divine Persons, and the unity of God’s sons in truth and charity. This likeness reveals that man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.
Click to expand...
This is why.

When God calls people to marriage (which is everyone of course, though some to Him bypassing earthly marriage). But when God calls someone to earthly marriage, simply living the vocation that one s called to is logical that it would make us happier.

I hate mowing the lawn. But the fact that the chore is part of making a gift of myself to my spouse and family for their good makes it endurable.
 
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who contributed to the thread… Its helped me so much and helped clarify my thoughts. Such good points! Really there has been such good discussion… I hope it was helpful to others as much as it was for me. Thanks everyone!

(proceed discussing if you wish! I just wanted to chime in with a bit of thanksgiving.)
 
marymary1975 said:
This is a.problem.too. if.a person is lonely again it means that person is unhappy with his or her own self. So that person is looking for someone.else to stop the loneliness feeling. This is also a subconscious need to be rescued, I am lonely myself so I need a.second person to.come.and.make.me.Happy. To share good or exciting things that happen in your life you don’t need to be married. There are friends and family and a God with whom those things can be shared. Someone.who is truly happy with his or her own self doesn’t have this loneliness feeling because they can share things with many people. If someone doesn’t have no one to talk to and is experiencing loneliness that is deeper problem that comes.from.the inside and no marriage is going to solve that problem.
Click to expand...
That’s just not true at all. People are lonely when they don’t have meaningful relationships with other people. Marriage is the ultimate meaningful relationship. When people are lonely, they are unhappy. Keep in mind that being lonely is different than being alone. Many people can and are often happy while being alone. Some need more alone time than others obviously. However, being lonely is completely different. Having that special person in your life to share things with to comfort them and be comforted by them can definitely make a lonely person happy.
 
I was in an unhappy, stressful marriage. I am divorced and annulled. However, I am much unhappier now being single. It is just too lonely for me and the future is bleak. At least when I was married, there was some hope that we could work things out and that we could have a happy future together walking side by side and hand in hand. I do not hope anymore.
 
polki said:
I was in an unhappy, stressful marriage. I am divorced and annulled. However, I am much unhappier now being single. It is just too lonely for me and the future is bleak. At least when I was married, there was some hope that we could work things out and that we could have a happy future together walking side by side and hand in hand. I do not hope anymore.
Click to expand...
Polki, I’m so sorry. Padre Pio said, “Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry”. My aunt felt the same way after the death of her husband, she kind of scoffed when I suggested that she pray to St. Raphael. I also said I’d pray to St. Raphael for her… She did not believe it was possible. Since then, she has found a really great man whom she is just about as in love and close to as her husband. They are very happy. She is happy again. Anything is possible.
 
Bataar said:
That’s just not true at all. People are lonely when they don’t have meaningful relationships with other people. Marriage is the ultimate meaningful relationship. When people are lonely, they are unhappy. Keep in mind that being lonely is different than being alone. Many people can and are often happy while being alone. Some need more alone time than others obviously. However, being lonely is completely different. Having that special person in your life to share things with to comfort them and be comforted by them can definitely make a lonely person happy.
Click to expand...
You just said it: “people are lonely because they don’t have meaningful relationships”. If someone does.not have the ability to establish a.meaningful relationship with other people.little less they will be able to establish a happy marriage. A person like this has an internal problem.which is difficulties to establish menaingul relations.and instead of working and fixing his or her own problem is waiting for someone to appear and all of a.sudden get married and fix the problem. This kind.of.person is.again a needy person who has an internal issue and thinks that marriage will.solve the issue. Having a special.person may make the lonely person happy for 3 months.but the relationship.Will turn eventually into sour because the lonely person.has an internal unresolved issue that as soon.as the “honey moon”.period disappears will start hitting the relationship. This is.something that unfortunately is extremely common in marriages and the cause of.so many unhappy marriages.and it boils.down to the same, instead of resolving tour own.issues you are expecting someone to come and resolve.things for you.
 
marymary1975 said:
You just said it: “people are lonely because they don’t have meaningful relationships”. If someone does.not have the ability to establish a.meaningful relationship with other people.little less they will be able to establish a happy marriage. A person like this has an internal problem.which is difficulties to establish menaingul relations.and instead of working and fixing his or her own problem is waiting for someone to appear and all of a.sudden get married and fix the problem. This kind.of.person is.again a needy person who has an internal issue and thinks that marriage will.solve the issue. Having a special.person may make the lonely person happy for 3 months.but the relationship.Will turn eventually into sour because the lonely person.has an internal unresolved issue that as soon.as the “honey moon”.period disappears will start hitting the relationship. This is.something that unfortunately is extremely common in marriages and the cause of.so many unhappy marriages.and it boils.down to the same, instead of resolving tour own.issues you are expecting someone to come and resolve.things for you.
Click to expand...
That is a big burden to put on another. I can hear it now

You were supposed to make me happy. Why aren’t you making me happy?
 
Sarcelle said:
That is a big burden to put on another. I can hear it now

You were supposed to make me happy. Why aren’t you making me happy?
Click to expand...
I actually think that is a big problem now a.days. unfortunately many people put in their spouse the burden of you are supposed to make me.happy. We are human beings and we are all.far from.perfect. it is a very unrealistic expectation to expect another human to make me.happy.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top