Why do women settle for men who treat them badly?

[whatevergirl]

Also Jen…there’s a difference between attracting men who don’t make a lot of money, there is nothing wrong with marrying someone who is hard working, but doesn’t make a lot of money–and attracting someone who expects a woman to be his sugar mama. I’d run for the hills, if I were her. lol

I tell my dd…to not support a man. Unless her HUSBAND falls ill, or loses his job…do not date men who seem to never have jobs, and always want you footing their bills. No.

I tell my son…don’t look for women who only want a man to take care of them. He plans to be successful, and it is wise to make sure that you meet a woman who is looking for a partner, not someone who will take care of her. I believe in women being SAHM’s, but what I mean, is more that he doesn’t date a woman who has a lot of financial problems, and is looking for a bail out.
Don’t rescue women, is basically what we are teaching him.

I want both of my kids to marry people who are confident, and capable of standing on their own…not looking to my kids to clean up the messes they have from past lives.

It’s a balance. I believe that your friend needs a good book to help her get out of the mindset she’s in, and stop blaming her choices on her low self esteem, and instead, try to work on herself so she makes better choices.

 

[Christine_Lee]

The first guy I dated was a rotten guy–but I didn’t know that until after he broke up with me. As one poster pointed out, I was inexperienced–and I had low self esteem.

Thankfully the next guy was DH…and he’s a wonderful, wonderful hubby!

I was guilty of inexperience when dating my first guy. The situation between him and I ended up so bad I had to get a restraining order against him. Yet for the longest time I still felt the need to “change” men. I was more drawn to their sinful ways since I had just recieved Jesus as my Lord and Savior (I was still in my first few teenage years). I had the intentions of doing good, trying to help bring them to Christ. But I eventually learned that it’s not my responsibility to “save” them. I am only a messenger of God and I must obey His ways, not my own. So instead I now search for men with the same moral standards and beliefs as mine. And it is easier on the heart to be with someone who loves God as much as I do.

 

[sistermouse]

I thought I could do no better. I really had nothing to offer…no standing in the community and my virginity had been taken by a rapist, so I took the first man that asked. It was a horrible, painful marriage. When he died, I married another man, again settleing for the first man that asked, because I thought I “needed” to be married so I wouldn’t be alone. I am still married, but I am still very alone. Being his third living wife, I am also without Communion. Why did I make the same mistake twice?? I am sure a theriapist some where has an answer, but sadly, I don’t.

 

[whatevergirl]

I thought I could do no better. I really had nothing to offer…no standing in the community and my virginity had been taken by a rapist, so I took the first man that asked. It was a horrible, painful marriage. When he died, I married another man, again settleing for the first man that asked, because I thought I “needed” to be married so I wouldn’t be alone. I am still married, but I am still very alone. Being his third living wife, I am also without Communion. Why did I make the same mistake twice?? I am sure a theriapist some where has an answer, but sadly, I don’t.

Oh my gosh, sister…I’m so sorry. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[AMDGAlto]

Thanks Whatevergirl for starting this thread. I just turned 18 and have started thinking about dating and finding the right guy, even though I’ll probably wait to get married until after I graduate college. While I don’t feel right now that any of the guys I might be interested in are sleazy or other wise ‘no good’, I will keep in mind the things that the other ladies (and men) have posted about finding the right partner and watching our for those ‘bad apples’.

Whenever our family has watched Cheaper by the Dozen (the old one) Mom always tells the girls that “Mrs. Gilbert is right about men dating fun girls and settling down with nice girls.” I think that’s an important thing to keep in mind, especially for women with lower self esteems because to them it seems like the guy likes all the other girls, so why doesn’t he like her?! Don’t change yourself for a guy because that’s not who he’s really looking for anyway.

Thanks also for the advice about praying for the right man to come around at the right time, about five women I know got married this year and it’s made me feel a little bit like I need to find a man and tie him down with marriage quick! But of course these women are all older than me and had timely dating, engagement, THEN marriage time.

I’ll keep all the bad relationships that ladies have posted about here in my prayers.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks Whatevergirl for starting this thread. I just turned 18 and have started thinking about dating and finding the right guy, even though I’ll probably wait to get married until after I graduate college. While I don’t feel right now that any of the guys I might be interested in are sleazy or other wise ‘no good’, I will keep in mind the things that the other ladies (and men) have posted about finding the right partner and watching our for those ‘bad apples’.

Whenever our family has watched Cheaper by the Dozen (the old one) Mom always tells the girls that “Mrs. Gilbert is right about men dating fun girls and settling down with nice girls.” I think that’s an important thing to keep in mind, especially for women with lower self esteems because to them it seems like the guy likes all the other girls, so why doesn’t he like her?! Don’t change yourself for a guy because that’s not who he’s really looking for anyway.

Thanks also for the advice about praying for the right man to come around at the right time, about five women I know got married this year and it’s made me feel a little bit like I need to find a man and tie him down with marriage quick! But of course these women are all older than me and had timely dating, engagement, THEN marriage time.

I’ll keep all the bad relationships that ladies have posted about here in my prayers.

You’re welcome…and welcome to CAF. 18…you are a mere babe. I am glad that you found this thread helpful. Relationships just don’t happen. If there were any piece of advice I’d give a young woman like yourself it’s this…give your life over to God, and the future, as well. Love is a choice, and you don’t have to ever settle for someone who treats you badly.

God bless you…and hope to bump into you on here again.

 

[Jacob_Fenton]

All of your stories are powerful and honest. I have recently become involved in talks and seminars about ending violence against women, at the local college. Actually, at this past week’s meeting, this was at the forefront of the discussion; “How do women become involved with these kinds of men?” I just want to say I’m ecstatic to see you all on here discussing! Women, you’re in my prayers and I ask God that you all remain safe in the loving care of Jesus Christ.

It’s my first year in college and I already am coming to see how troubled the world can be (a rhyme?). I’m so glad there are all of these people who are proactive and striving for change!

 

[chevalier]

Whatevergirl, thank you for the last post that was directed to me. Funny thing, I’ve also just started teaching again. Right now, I have a single student for legal English, but who knows what’s out there and apart from teaching, I’m going to jump into the translation world. The hourly rate can be three times what I’ve been getting in the law firm because of the differences in taxation. Therefore, I will be able to work fewer hours and perhaps reasonably quickly finish my Ph.D. or at least start the candidacy. At that point or even before it, I could get a post-grad in translation so as to qualify for the official translator exam. Combining it with Ph.D. in law would easily make me one of very, very few people with that kind of skills, and at the same time even geekier.

Well, when I said I couldn’t really lose my head for someone, I definitely didn’t mean no butterflies… I well know the feeling of butterflies with some of my lady friends, but that kind of feeling is generally not enough to start a relationship if you don’t have a certain feeling about it. Perhaps not losing your head allows you not to gloss over the lack of that feeling and in that it would be good. It does reduce your chances of finding a mate, but better a solitary life than a bad relationship, I think, and in case of many people, it’s probably better than a relationship which isn’t definitely special.

Peace is important. I have peace in my life now. I am at peace with whatever will come. I don’t get the same kind of peace from imagining myself (hypothetically) involved with anyone I know, as in no one I know feels like someone I could marry. Each of them has something that others don’t. One is a good girl with a bright personality. Another is a rather royal woman with a very respectful mode of interaction which just slightly hints of something a little personal. Yet another will be a stranger I barely know, who catches my attention for some reason. Stick to one, give up on all others. Decide which. No way. Ergo there is no person who alone would command enough interest and have enough closeness and the certain I don’t know what.
Well, as you say, I don’t know where I will be. I don’t know if I’ll primarily be a law professor or an attorney or a legal translator and legal English teacher (perhaps other languages in the future). Don’t know when the Ph.D. will come or, strictly speaking, if it will. Don’t know if and when bar admission will happen (it’s much more fuss than in the States). And there are other factors. Finding the woman will logically be much more reasonable at the point when things have cleared up a bit than in the formative time when they are only clearing up, although going through formative periods with people builds powerful bonds. At any rate, there is no rush, as you say.

Hehe, who knows, as to the last one. I will be going to Florida for an LLM course the first semester I can afford it (i.e. afford the flight and accommodation and barely or not at all working for a whole semester, while the fee is waived by agreement with my university).

 

[stefina]

I think most women chose to go for guys who treat them badly is because they want attention and feel “loved” by someone… and sometimes women dont realize that they can do better so they settle for just “Okay”. My ex boyfriend had big problems with porn, drinking and drugs, and he had a very bad temper and he would sometimes take it out on me by making me feel bad even though i did nothing wrong. When I look back now though and see how my boyfriend treats me now to how my ex bf did, its a major difference, I know the only reason I went out with him in the first place is because self conciously I wanted that boyfriend/love attention. Luckily I had a bad feeling about it and we didnt go out for long… and till this day I have no contact with him… Ill be praying for your sister whatevergirl

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl, thank you for the last post that was directed to me. Funny thing, I’ve also just started teaching again. Right now, I have a single student for legal English, but who knows what’s out there and apart from teaching, I’m going to jump into the translation world. The hourly rate can be three times what I’ve been getting in the law firm because of the differences in taxation. Therefore, I will be able to work fewer hours and perhaps reasonably quickly finish my Ph.D. or at least start the candidacy. At that point or even before it, I could get a post-grad in translation so as to qualify for the official translator exam. Combining it with Ph.D. in law would easily make me one of very, very few people with that kind of skills, and at the same time even geekier.

Well, when I said I couldn’t really lose my head for someone, I definitely didn’t mean no butterflies… I well know the feeling of butterflies with some of my lady friends, but that kind of feeling is generally not enough to start a relationship if you don’t have a certain feeling about it. Perhaps not losing your head allows you not to gloss over the lack of that feeling and in that it would be good. It does reduce your chances of finding a mate, but better a solitary life than a bad relationship, I think, and in case of many people, it’s probably better than a relationship which isn’t definitely special.

Peace is important. I have peace in my life now. I am at peace with whatever will come. I don’t get the same kind of peace from imagining myself (hypothetically) involved with anyone I know, as in no one I know feels like someone I could marry. Each of them has something that others don’t. One is a good girl with a bright personality. Another is a rather royal woman with a very respectful mode of interaction which just slightly hints of something a little personal. Yet another will be a stranger I barely know, who catches my attention for some reason. Stick to one, give up on all others. Decide which. No way. Ergo there is no person who alone would command enough interest and have enough closeness and the certain I don’t know what.
Well, as you say, I don’t know where I will be. I don’t know if I’ll primarily be a law professor or an attorney or a legal translator and legal English teacher (perhaps other languages in the future). Don’t know when the Ph.D. will come or, strictly speaking, if it will. Don’t know if and when bar admission will happen (it’s much more fuss than in the States). And there are other factors. Finding the woman will logically be much more reasonable at the point when things have cleared up a bit than in the formative time when they are only clearing up, although going through formative periods with people builds powerful bonds. At any rate, there is no rush, as you say.

Hehe, who knows, as to the last one. I will be going to Florida for an LLM course the first semester I can afford it (i.e. afford the flight and accommodation and barely or not at all working for a whole semester, while the fee is waived by agreement with my university).

I think that the best relationship one can have is with God…and one’s self. Once you have those two relationships, you will be where you are–at peace. And then, the right person will be ‘easier’ to sense…because of your relationship with God, and yourself. I think it’s when we don’t love ourselves, that we often end up in bad relationships with others.

stefina, you make a lot of sense with your post, when you indicate that some women don’t really feel like the deserve better, so they settle for mediocre. We are all flawed…I just think that too many people, men and women, are settling just to avoid lonliness, or something. Not a good thing to do.

Chev–where in Florida? The weather has been a bit chilly lately…so bring a few sweaters if you’re coming anytime soon.

God bless to you all. This thread has been very informative for me, and I hope for you all, too!

 

[whatevergirl]

As an aside, chev–regarding your teaching stint…that’s great news. My nephew as I mention above, teaches fulltime…and I think he has to publish two journals every year, to receive a one year sabbatical every three years…not bad for 25 yrs old, eh? lol He is making 6 figures for a less than 40 hour week? I said, I guess I should have stuck with teaching. (I’m an education major, english minor)

 

[whatevergirl]

All of your stories are powerful and honest. I have recently become involved in talks and seminars about ending violence against women, at the local college. Actually, at this past week’s meeting, this was at the forefront of the discussion; “How do women become involved with these kinds of men?” I just want to say I’m ecstatic to see you all on here discussing! Women, you’re in my prayers and I ask God that you all remain safe in the loving care of Jesus Christ.

It’s my first year in college and I already am coming to see how troubled the world can be (a rhyme?). I’m so glad there are all of these people who are proactive and striving for change!

I admire your willingness to help in this arena…God bless you for your efforts, and may you richly bless someone who is in need of escaping a bad relationship…especially a violent one!

Have a merry Christmas.

 

[ack]

Are you saying that he’s the editor of two journals, or that he needs to get two journal articles accepted every year to keep his position?

If it’s the latter case, I’m not sure if the 40-hour-a-week thing was a joke, but he probably spends more time doing his research than he spends teaching.

As an aside, chev–regarding your teaching stint…that’s great news. My nephew as I mention above, teaches fulltime…and I think he has to publish two journals every year, to receive a one year sabbatical every three years…not bad for 25 yrs old, eh? lol He is making 6 figures for a less than 40 hour week? I said, I guess I should have stuck with teaching. (I’m an education major, english minor)

 

[KCtheMommy]

Some women need them.

I don’t know girl, ask my mom.

While your at it ask her why some guys need women who treat them badly and abuse them.

She swings both ways.

 

[chevalier]

some women don’t really feel like the deserve better, so they settle for mediocre. We are all flawed…I just think that too many people, men and women, are settling just to avoid lonliness, or something. Not a good thing to do.

Or that particular man feels special for historical reasons. Say, he’s an old friend, an old crush, they’ve been together for a long time, that kind of thing. Some other people feel very bad to renege on their word and that’s how they see dumping someone.

Chev–where in Florida? The weather has been a bit chilly lately…so bring a few sweaters if you’re coming anytime soon.

Hehe. Likely the campus, but not likely soon.

God bless to you all. This thread has been very informative for me, and I hope for you all, too!

As an aside, chev–regarding your teaching stint…that’s great news. My nephew as I mention above, teaches fulltime…and I think he has to publish two journals every year, to receive a one year sabbatical every three years…not bad for 25 yrs old, eh? lol He is making 6 figures for a less than 40 hour week? I said, I guess I should have stuck with teaching. (I’m an education major, english minor)

Hehe. Teaching is a great job, sometimes it pays extremely well, but some teachers are horribly underpaid here. Those who teach regular subjects at schools here don’t earn the country’s mean wage as far as I can tell. Some of those who teach in private schools don’t fare too well financially, either.

While your at it ask her why some guys need women who treat them badly and abuse them.

She swings both ways.

When I put up with bad treatment, it was because I was “in love”, that I didn’t want to “do it to her” by dumping her and so on and so forth. Now that I’m not in love with anyone, I can make a rather firm resolution not to put up with anything like that in the future and to revert to the state in which I am now if anything like that happens.

 

[whatevergirl]

Are you saying that he’s the editor of two journals, or that he needs to get two journal articles accepted every year to keep his position?

If it’s the latter case, I’m not sure if the 40-hour-a-week thing was a joke, but he probably spends more time doing his research than he spends teaching.

I don’t think he considers writing journals part of his work week…that’s his passion,but it is part of his job requirement…well, to become tenured, anyway.

 

[Galnextdoor]

I think some women settle for men who treat them badly, because they assume all men treat women that way. They haven’t been exposed to anything different.

 

[SeekerJen]

oops

 

[hasikelee]

Oh, I know two girls who do this in their dating relationships and I can’t stand it. It’s probably one issue where I come across as interolerable or judgmental. I simply don’t understand it.

I used to think it was due to naivete, to low self-esteem, to trying to “fix” a man, to having a bad relationship with the father, etc.

Now, I’m starting to suspect it might not be so innocent. I’ve known these girls since before highschool and I’m starting to see a bit of a worldview where they want to have a man who is “lower” than them. They don’t want someone who is their equal. For example, one girl only dates men who are highschool dropouts. She is completing her master’s and is already looking forward to her doctorate’s. I finally asked her why she was doing this and she said she didn’t want a man smarter than her.

The pattern seems to match this idea…for example, the men chosen are typically shorter, younger, have less schooling, lower positions at work and smaller life goals. The other girl always dates men a few inches shorter and a few years younger. The first girl is a kind of big shot-type manager and will only date hourly wage, non-supervisory men.

Okee dokee then…

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh, I know two girls who do this in their dating relationships and I can’t stand it. It’s probably one issue where I come across as interolerable or judgmental. I simply don’t understand it.

I used to think it was due to naivete, to low self-esteem, to trying to “fix” a man, to having a bad relationship with the father, etc.

Now, I’m starting to suspect it might not be so innocent. I’ve known these girls since before highschool and I’m starting to see a bit of a worldview where they want to have a man who is “lower” than them. They don’t want someone who is their equal. For example, one girl only dates men who are highschool dropouts. She is completing her master’s and is already looking forward to her doctorate’s. I finally asked her why she was doing this and she said she didn’t want a man smarter than her.

The pattern seems to match this idea…for example, the men chosen are typically shorter, younger, have less schooling, lower positions at work and smaller life goals. The other girl always dates men a few inches shorter and a few years younger. The first girl is a kind of big shot-type manager and will only date hourly wage, non-supervisory men.

Okee dokee then…

Wow…just wow–I had not thought of that, but have known a few in my life who dated men who weren’t their intellectual equals…how sad, to want to ‘feel’ superior to another. I don’t feel anyone is above another, but I know what you’re saying. Again, I suppose that can still be a form of low self esteem.

I haven’t seen you much–maybe we’re in different threads…nice seeing you tonight.