Why do you use NFP/avoid ABC?

[JDB823]

For those of you who use NFP (or otherwise refrain from using contraception), do you do it out of obedience to Church teachings/because you believe ABC is wrong or do you do it because you believe that it is a positive good that adds to your marriage, and if so, why?

Put another way, do you not use ABC because it is sinful, or because NOT using it is positive?

If you do see it as a positive good, have you had any struggles with charting, prolonged abstinence or unplanned pregnancies?

 

[ForAll]

Hello JDB! It’s an interesting question that you ask, but I’m not sure I agree with the differentiation you are trying to draw. I know that what the Church asks of me is going to be the most positive for my life - I trust the Church.

However, I still have found NFP to be a positive influence in my marriage. It’s increased our conversation about our family size, our respect for one another, and just our knowledge of what happens when a baby’s made! I took a lot of bio classes, but I never learned as much as I learned in my Creighton classes.

We haven’t really struggled with NFP yet in our marriage, although we have not been married long and we have not been able to get pregnant, so I realize our experience is very different from most people’s. We have had to abstain for 4 weeks at one point, but honestly, it wasn’t as difficult as others made it out to be.

Hope that answers your questions!

 

[Newsy]

We started using NFP because we understood the Church teaching on ABC’s. We saw the historical teaching of Genesis 38:10, we agreed with the Church teaching. It took a conscious decision to live our faith and trust God, but we were rewarded.

When we started using NFP, it became a blessing to our marriage. I use the analogy of ABC vs NFP, as a resturaunt. ABC’s were like living in a 24 hour buffet, its always there. NFP is like a cafe that only serves food in the morning, you appreciate it when it’s available. It has strengthened our marriage in ways we never imagined.

As for children, we thought we were done when our second one was born (8 years ago). Since starting NFP, we are trying to discern if we should have another. It has made us open to life, before we were not.

 

[armywife]

We started using NFP because we agree with the Church’s stance on ABC. I was on BC for about 8 months between baby 1 and 2. I felt terrible physically and morally because I knew it was wrong. At that time I just knew it was wrong… a lot like “don’t have sex before marriage” with no other explanation. When learning NFP and Theology of the Body I came to understand where the Church was coming from.

Now, we don’t really use NFP at all in our marriage because we’re just not that good at it. I will never bash NFP because I do think it can work but for us it only works for about 10 months then I’m pregnant again (I’m preggers with #7 now) For me, I also get into the BC mentality too easily when using NFP.

That was pretty long-winded for we don’t use ABC because the Church says it’s wrong. (And I can’t stand how I feel physically when I’m was on it)

 

[SummerSmiles]

I think I use it for a little bit of both of your points. I started because it is against the church to use ABC. The Catholic Church teaches God’s law, and I trust that God knows what is good for me.

I love it because it’s natural (I’m kinda a granola girl) and I don’t have to worry about taking a pill or inserting something, putting something on, etc. Since getting more familiar with NFP, my husband and I have learned to communicate much better with each other. We have learned new meaningful ways to express love to each other. I feel like NFP has really strengthened our relationship. We truly appreciate each other more since using NFP. And we treasure our sexual intimacy much more than ever before!

 

[Ellyakamommy]

The beauty of many of the church’s teachings is that the answer to your question is: Yes.

Respecting the dignity of human life is much more important than using a chemical that could harm human life.

The side effects (that I experienced while on a hormonal bc prior to ever dating my husband) caused depression and lethargy.

There is an option (nfp) that allows me to welcome or hold off on children that is completely hormone and physically side-effect free.

It comes with spiritual side-effects that actually deepen our marriage and faith life.

Having ceded an attempt at complete control has demonstrated many times that God plans for us are richer and more abundant that anything my husband and I could have ever imagined or planned for ourselves. If we had been allowed to follow only our plans, we would be living in a spiritual poverty but working with God’s will for us, we feast.

 

[Castello]

Hated ABC way before I was Catholic.

Now, I understand it is not only poison but sinful as well.

 

[JDB823]

Hello JDB! It’s an interesting question that you ask, but I’m not sure I agree with the differentiation you are trying to draw. I know that what the Church asks of me is going to be the most positive for my life - I trust the Church.

I am happy that you have had a positive experience with it.

Still, I have read many of the posts on the forum about people struggling with NFP, but sticking with it only because of Church prohibition of using anything else to prevent conception. Yet others rave about it. It doesn’t seem like it is a universally positive experience. Some even go as far as to call it a “cross to bear”.

Second, many of the posters are complaining about the side effects of hormonal birth control, and for good reason. The artificial hormones in hormonal birth control are terrible for women and the side effects far worse than most people realize. I understand exactly why people would call it a poison and I agree completely. Yet non-hormonal birth control, such as a condom, would not have these problems.

Other women like learning about their cycle and their bodies. Yet the leading non-Catholic promoter of fertility awareness acknowledges that one can track fertility while using barrier methods. (Although she warns that this reduces the effectiveness of trying to avoid due to the failure rate of barrier methods.)

I guess a more precise question is whether there is any real benefit to abstaining on the fertile days as opposed to using a condom, or is this simply something one does in obedience to Church teaching?

FWIW, my wife is not Catholic and strongly disagrees with the Catholic Church’s teaching on this issue. She knows reasons behind it, but strongly disagrees with the conclusions. I know what the Church teaches, but I find the arguments in support of the teaching unconvincing. I say this not to start a theological debate, but I do want to know if there are any other reasons to not use even a condom other than to obey the Church and avoid sin and the consequences thereof.

 

[mtbender]

I guess a more precise question is whether there is any real benefit to abstaining on the fertile days as opposed to using a condom, or is this simply something one does in obedience to Church teaching?

This was a struggle when I first came to the Catholic Church. I think in order to get it; we really had to examine how we viewed marital intimacy and sex in general. We had to separate sex from marital intimacy. I am not suggesting they cannot be the same, but they are not synonymous. Physical gratification became less important than the act of love in its self and you begin to realize that an act of love with barriers is not as fulfilling as one without.

Is there a real benefit, I would say absolutely. Not only is it just as effective as any ABC, it promotes communication and allows you to explore other ways to be intimate without turning to physical gratification. Aside from it being God’s law, it is a great benefit to the relationship.

In my opinion, it only becomes a “cross to bear” when we become too connected to the physical aspect – when the act becomes something we need. I guess I would turn the question around and ask what would those who oppose NFP see as the detriment? What would be the rational for ABC over NFP, knowing that their effectiveness is the same? The only answer I can come up with is it allows for the physical gratification anytime – and that’s where we start to see the “cross.”

 

[Castello]

“Darling wife, for me to use a condom would be a sin. I love you, and you love me. I am sure you would not want me to sin for you.”

There is a good Protestant look at contraception, nationallifechain.org/Contra.pdf

 

[maryjk]

I use NFP and avoid ABC simply because the Church/God/the Bible tells me that ABC is wrong.

Maybe when you have permanent, serious reasons to avoid it is different. With us, there isn’t really any discernment. It isn’t something we need to talk about, whether or not to avoid.

It hasn’t caused any problems in our marriage, and my husband isn’t Catholic. But I also haven’t seen any benefit.

 

[twoangels]

For those of you who use NFP (or otherwise refrain from using contraception), do you do it out of obedience to Church teachings/because you believe ABC is wrong or do you do it because you believe that it is a positive good that adds to your marriage, and if so, why?

Put another way, do you not use ABC because it is sinful, or because NOT using it is positive?

If you do see it as a positive good, have you had any struggles with charting, prolonged abstinence or unplanned pregnancies?

Its not either or. Abstaining is a sacrifice and its good that it is a sacrifice. Feeling like your spouse doesn’t at all care for sex isn’t a positive thing. I do seem to have an easier time abstaining then my husband does. We both in some ways like the periods of abstainence because we focus on loving each other other ways. Usually though eventually my husband starts feeling a little tried if our abstaining period goes long or becomes unpredictable. This was especially the case when I was breastfeeding inconsistantly. I on the other hand just see it as that I remained a virgin till I was 29, so what’s a week or even a few weeks?

If anything, I originally struggled with feeling pressure to have sex during my infertile time, but since I’ve given birth and my cycles have returned, its not a problem.

 

[Lil_M]

We use NFP out of obedience. But after 2 surprises we are getting pretty tired of the abstinence (once in over 8 months). I also have difficulty trusting my charting since I have PCOS. So for us it’s a big cross. Fortunately our kids don’t sleep well so we are too tired mostly to care

 

[manualman]

I think that people who attempt to sell NFP as something that is, itself. positive and beneficial to the marriage are distorting things. NFP is morally and relationally neutral. From one point of view (secular), it is an imposition and a burden that restricts spontenaity and intimate opportunities. From the catholic point of view, sexual intimacy is a complex subject that inherently includes fertility such that an act of contraception fundamentally damages the whole experience. From that perspective, NFP is a blessed relief from circumstances that would otherwise morally require total abstinance!

That’s my suggestion to those who are tempted to bitterness: the glass ain’t half empty, it is half full of pefect, pure refreshing water. Don’t try to fill it all the way to the top by adding swamp water. That just ruins what good water you had.

 

[dailey]

For those of you who use NFP (or otherwise refrain from using contraception), do you do it out of obedience to Church teachings/because you believe ABC is wrong or do you do it because you believe that it is a positive good that adds to your marriage, and if so, why?

Put another way, do you not use ABC because it is sinful, or because NOT using it is positive?

If you do see it as a positive good, have you had any struggles with charting, prolonged abstinence or unplanned pregnancies?

I used ABC for years in my marriage…until I joined CAF and realized it was a serious sin. I called and talked to several priest who advised me to wean myself off of it. Well, I pretty much stopped using it cold turkey because once I found out it was a mortal sin, it felt sooo wrong. My husband, who is not Catholic, does not like the fact that we can no longer used ABC so it does cause problems in the marriage.

 

[casey_zia]

Other women like learning about their cycle and their bodies. Yet the leading non-Catholic promoter of fertility awareness acknowledges that one can track fertility while using barrier methods. (Although she warns that this reduces the effectiveness of trying to avoid due to the failure rate of barrier methods.)

I guess a more precise question is whether there is any real benefit to abstaining on the fertile days as opposed to using a condom, or is this simply something one does in obedience to Church teaching?

Unless you are monitoring hormonal levels, or using a method that utilizes only taking a temperature, “tracking fertility” with the mucous sign would be impossible if a couple is using barrier methods–the mucous would be altered and a pattern of fertility would not be discernible. And combining the days of high fertility with the use of a condom (with a pregnancy rate of 5-15%), there is a high chance of an unintended pregnancy. So, we abstain on fertile days to continue to monitor fertility, and to avoid the act that would make conception possible.

The Church has reasons for laying out its moral teachings about the use of contraceptive and barrier agents, much of it based in Natural Law. When biology and Natural Law and spirituality are all on the same page, there isn’t much argument left.

FWIW, my wife is not Catholic and strongly disagrees with the Catholic Church’s teaching on this issue.

This would be the hardest thing, to have one spouse not “on side” with this teaching. Have you or your wife listened to any of Janet Smith’s talks or Christopher West’s DVD/CD series?

 

[Castello]

My husband, who is not Catholic, does not like the fact that we can no longer used ABC so it does cause problems in the marriage.

Maybe, just maybe, deciding to marry a non-Catholic, deciding to date and marry a man who did not share your beliefs and faith, that had nothing to do with the problems? Not even a little bit?

 

[JDB823]

A little more information:

Me: Cradle Catholic, away from the Church for some time, trying to get back in to it.
Her: Raised non-denominational Protestant, currently not practicing. Has little interest in religion. Sees “Christian” view of women as based on gender stereotypes which do not fit her.

We have two daughters. She absolutely does not want any more. I would not be opposed to more if she wanted more, but I have no particular desire for more, either. We are both only children ourselves, so two children is a large family to us.

She does know how to track her cycle (she did before we conceived), but doesn’t see this as a desirable method of birth control because of the extended period of abstinence each month. Our sexual relationship is quite good, after nearly 10 years of marriage, which, from what I understand, is unusual. It ain’t broke, so why try to fix it?

Neither of us see a benefit to the period of abstinence. Instead, it seems like another “Thou Shalt Not” that people are following primarily out of fear of punishment. Offhand, it seems like this teaching would cause significant problems in our marriage, where there currently aren’t any. That being said, maybe we are missing something that couples who do refrain from using contraception understand. That is why I ask.

As for the Catholic teachings, I did not want to start a theological debate, but since people keep posting links to things we have already read I will share our perspective. There are parts of it that are quite beautiful. Still, the idea that sex with a contraceptive is always “using” someone simply doesn’t match our experience. Yes, people can misuse contraception, but in the end contraceptives don’t use people, people use people. The teaching is what it is, and the obligation to follow it is what it is, but I cannot say that either of us is in agreement with it.

 

[dailey]

Maybe, just maybe, deciding to marry a non-Catholic, deciding to date and marry a man who did not share your beliefs and faith, that had nothing to do with the problems? Not even a little bit?

My 3 daughters are all under the age of 8 but I have already told them many, many times how important it is to date only Catholic men (who are in union with the Church). I most definitely do not want them to make the same mistakes I made. BUT I will say this…I still believe in, my heart, that God put my non-religious husband in my life for a reason. I am confident he will eventually come to our faith…hopefully sooner then later…

 

[Em_in_FL]

For those of you who use NFP (or otherwise refrain from using contraception), do you do it out of obedience to Church teachings/because you believe ABC is wrong or do you do it because you believe that it is a positive good that adds to your marriage, and if so, why?

Put another way, do you not use ABC because it is sinful, or because NOT using it is positive?

If you do see it as a positive good, have you had any struggles with charting, prolonged abstinence or unplanned pregnancies?

All of the above.
Well, I’ve never used ABC, so I don’t have anything to compare it to.
Charting and prolong abstinence can sometimes be challenging, but there is always help available out there somewhere. And our fertility is a gift from God alone, so sometimes challenges are things that can lead us to prayer.