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brb3
Guest
MAINLY for the men, but maybe you ladies can give us real reason !!
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mommamaree
Guest
I think the short answer is that Mothers do NOT always forgive. There is a presumption that is true of mothers and motherhood, but it is not so.
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EasterJoy
Guest
There are two parts to making up: forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness means that you are willing to let go of a desire to get back at the person or make them pay for what they’ve done. This can be done without any cooperation from the violators. For instance, Our Lord asked the Father “forgive them, they know not what they do” before the crime was even finished, let alone before anyone expressed any contrition.
Reconciliation requires rebuilding the relationship, which starts with rebuilding trust. Mothers only require that their children want to rebuild the relationship. They accept that children make mistakes without having the slightest clue what the nature of the mistake even was. Wives and girlfriends, OTOH, expect a grown-up level of appreciation and acknowledgement of the nature of the offense, a grown-up level of contrition, and a grown-up attempt to make amends…because with them you don’t have a parent-child relationship, but a relationship between two grown-ups.
IOW, sometimes moms are willing to let you be their little boy, but wives and girlfriends expect you to join in the work of making the relationship work, rather than giving them most of the heavy lifting, as parents are in the habit of doing. With wives and girlfriends, you have to act like a man. That’s the difference.
Of course, the other difference may be that your mother is more virtuous than the other women in your life, but that is usually not the correct explanation when this kind of disparity exists. Usually, the problem comes because Mom (and/or Dad) didn’t hold you responsible for your offenses as you gained enough maturity to be responsible, giving you a bad habit of expecting unmerited mulligans in your relationships. That expectation will does not serve a man well when he goes out and plays the game of life as it is really played.
If your mom “always forgives”, then probably that’s what she did to you, because most mothers of grown men do not “always forgive” under circumstances when wives and girlfriends are inclined to hold a grudge. Sorry, but you really need to come over to the way the wives see this. They’re usually right.
Here is your confirming test: Do guys always forgive? Does Dad always forgive? No. They expect you to make some effort to make it right when you’ve tried to weasel out and play fast and loose with a previous agreement. So unless your wife or girlfriend is trying to hold you to a bunch of expectations that didn’t know existed or that you never agreed to (which also happens, sometimes because the wife or girlfriend is not realistic and sometimes because your mother gave you no awareness of basic social norms), you are probably expecting different levels of tolerance from the women in your life than from the men.
Reconciliation requires rebuilding the relationship, which starts with rebuilding trust. Mothers only require that their children want to rebuild the relationship. They accept that children make mistakes without having the slightest clue what the nature of the mistake even was. Wives and girlfriends, OTOH, expect a grown-up level of appreciation and acknowledgement of the nature of the offense, a grown-up level of contrition, and a grown-up attempt to make amends…because with them you don’t have a parent-child relationship, but a relationship between two grown-ups.
IOW, sometimes moms are willing to let you be their little boy, but wives and girlfriends expect you to join in the work of making the relationship work, rather than giving them most of the heavy lifting, as parents are in the habit of doing. With wives and girlfriends, you have to act like a man. That’s the difference.
Of course, the other difference may be that your mother is more virtuous than the other women in your life, but that is usually not the correct explanation when this kind of disparity exists. Usually, the problem comes because Mom (and/or Dad) didn’t hold you responsible for your offenses as you gained enough maturity to be responsible, giving you a bad habit of expecting unmerited mulligans in your relationships. That expectation will does not serve a man well when he goes out and plays the game of life as it is really played.
If your mom “always forgives”, then probably that’s what she did to you, because most mothers of grown men do not “always forgive” under circumstances when wives and girlfriends are inclined to hold a grudge. Sorry, but you really need to come over to the way the wives see this. They’re usually right.
Here is your confirming test: Do guys always forgive? Does Dad always forgive? No. They expect you to make some effort to make it right when you’ve tried to weasel out and play fast and loose with a previous agreement. So unless your wife or girlfriend is trying to hold you to a bunch of expectations that didn’t know existed or that you never agreed to (which also happens, sometimes because the wife or girlfriend is not realistic and sometimes because your mother gave you no awareness of basic social norms), you are probably expecting different levels of tolerance from the women in your life than from the men.
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Polycarp1
Guest
Moms don’t! Their just waiting to get you when you don’t expect it! Or maybe they know that your going to get payback from your own children some day!
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Simple. We carried you for 9 mos. inside our bodies and gave birth to you. There’s no relationship that’s closer than that.
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mommamaree
Guest
When our children are young or unmarried, I would totally agree with you.
However, this closeness is superseded when our children marry. Then the relationship with their spouse is indeed the closest relationship, as intended by the Lord.
Experientially speaking, I can vouch for the sad reality that my dear MIL does not know her grown son very well at all. She gets me very well a lot of the time, but the distance between her and her son, and the gap in her ability to understand him at all, grows wider with each passing year.
The phrase lose a son, gain a daughter is very true here. Mothers will always know the little boy their grown son was, but it is hard for them to perceive the character of the grown man their son is. I think THIS is why mothers tend to appear more forgiving. But the reality is that the wife has daily opportunities to practice forgiveness that the mother has no idea about.
Just my two cents…
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Am2010
Guest
I agree with you, mommaree. My husband and I are much closer to each other than we are to our parents (and we get along with our parents )but we are each others number one.When our children are young or unmarried, I would totally agree with you.
However, this closeness is superseded when our children marry. Then the relationship with their spouse is indeed the closest relationship, as intended by the Lord.
Just my two cents…
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Yeah, we have to let them go…But still, the bottom line is…I brought him into this world.When our children are young or unmarried, I would totally agree with you.
However, this closeness is superseded when our children marry. Then the relationship with their spouse is indeed the closest relationship, as intended by the Lord.
Experientially speaking, I can vouch for the sad reality that my dear MIL does not know her grown son very well at all. She gets me very well a lot of the time, but the distance between her and her son, and the gap in her ability to understand him at all, grows wider with each passing year.
The phrase lose a son, gain a daughter is very true here. Mothers will always know the little boy their grown son was, but it is hard for them to perceive the character of the grown man their son is. I think THIS is why mothers tend to appear more forgiving. But the reality is that the wife has daily opportunities to practice forgiveness that the mother has no idea about.
Just my two cents…
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EasterJoy
Guest
And if he doesn’t mind his manners, you can take him out of it!
(So much for mothers being unfailingly forgiving. We’ve been known to draw our lines, too!)
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Debora123
Guest
I’m pretty sure the Church teaches that the relationship between spouses is/should be the closest relationship you ever have with another human being.
And we are also called to put our spouses first, before our children.
To answer the OP’s question… spouses OUGHT to forgive each other and love each other always. More so than anyone else.
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Debora123
Guest
Whoops, didn’t realize someone else had already beat me to it. Agreed 100%!When our children are young or unmarried, I would totally agree with you.
However, this closeness is superseded when our children marry. Then the relationship with their spouse is indeed the closest relationship, as intended by the Lord.
Experientially speaking, I can vouch for the sad reality that my dear MIL does not know her grown son very well at all. She gets me very well a lot of the time, but the distance between her and her son, and the gap in her ability to understand him at all, grows wider with each passing year.
The phrase lose a son, gain a daughter is very true here. Mothers will always know the little boy their grown son was, but it is hard for them to perceive the character of the grown man their son is. I think THIS is why mothers tend to appear more forgiving. But the reality is that the wife has daily opportunities to practice forgiveness that the mother has no idea about.
Just my two cents…
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JLM28
Guest
This is very stereotypical lets work on our own holiness.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
I was under the same impression about your spouse needing to be the closest relationship you have.
I would like to add though that while we should strive to forgive people, if only for our own good there are things that a spouse can do that would warrant a change in the living, if not marital situation. Things like abuse, infidelity, and substance abuse.
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PennyinCanada
Guest
You know that mom was a girlfriend and a wife too, right? 
Maybe go ask dad about mom’s forgiveness, and report back, kay? Enquiring minds want to know.
Maybe go ask dad about mom’s forgiveness, and report back, kay? Enquiring minds want to know.
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Allegra
Guest
I know of a good many wives and girlfriends that are excessively forgiving, That’s that oxitocin at work.
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brb3
Guest
Ha ha !!You know that mom was a girlfriend and a wife too, right?
Maybe go ask dad about mom’s forgiveness, and report back, kay? Enquiring minds want to know.
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chevalier
Guest
I thought the wives were always right. You say it’s only usually?
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Debora123
Guest
Well yes, of course. It has to be a 2 way street with love/respect/forgiveness.
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underacloud
Guest
My wife is very forgiving and doesn’t hold any grudges (that I know of) against me.
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Markus2007
Guest
I think forgiveness is natural in a loving relationship, but not in a “business relationship”. Many times in today’s culture, marriages and courtships are built on the model of business rather than that of love.
What I mean by that is, people today seem to think along the lines of “what can this person give me” and “what do I have to give the person in return” and then they’re checking if they’re operating in the black, just like you would do as a business owner. This model has nothing to do with the devotion and self-sacrificing love that Christ taught us. If you love someone, you’re main focus will be the question “how can I bless her/him”, much more than “how can they bless me”.
However, I don’t see this a particular problem of women, I think both sexes can struggle with this equally.
What I mean by that is, people today seem to think along the lines of “what can this person give me” and “what do I have to give the person in return” and then they’re checking if they’re operating in the black, just like you would do as a business owner. This model has nothing to do with the devotion and self-sacrificing love that Christ taught us. If you love someone, you’re main focus will be the question “how can I bless her/him”, much more than “how can they bless me”.
However, I don’t see this a particular problem of women, I think both sexes can struggle with this equally.
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