Why does this bother me? (Modesty/Lust)

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Okay, I am a practising Catholic male. I am attracted to women. I, however, do not lust after women in any way. And this is not just another modesty/lust forum I promise 😉 .

I am just wondering: I legitimately hate even going on the streets because I know there will be very inappropriately dressed women. Every time I leave my house I know that I’ll be exposed to women who dress in a way that is sexually appealing. And I know this is obviously not every woman but it’s honestly like a 1.5:1 ratio so it’s pretty bad. Even at my Church. The thing is that I don’t lust after women and yet this still affects me. People (including Christians (including Catholics)) always say that you shouldn’t blame the women. Let the women dress as they want and if a guy lusts or is tempted to then it’s his problem. Oh, how I wish that worked. Clearly, we can see that it doesn’t do anything for people like me who don’t lust for women.

So I have two things:
First: I am very bothered by the sexual clothing I see every single day normally. I don’t know how to explain it but it is like a million gunshots piercing my heart. And it’s not like I even come close to lusting over these people. I just can’t go one day without seeing something that I really don’t want to see. It feels like the only way I can survive is if I put my head straight down and don’t look at anybody. And when I say modestly I don’t mean I am constantly looking around judging everyone’s outfits and smh or something like that. As I said before, modesty is about the way we dress act and speak. What bothers me is when people dress in a very provocative manner which can be proved by the way they act. I can tell the differences between someone who’s wearing something to look sexy and someone who’s just trying to fit in with what everyone else is doing. If we take leggings, for instance, I find it really hard to get through the day when I’m volunteering at my Church and have to work with these women who are running around in their tight leggings all the time. They are not acting provocatively or enticing but I still am forced to look at them while they are showing something I really don’t want to see. And when I go out on the streets it’s always a competition for who can bring their shorts up the highest. It’s not realistic to just look at the ground all day as I have things to do. So when I see sexual displays on a daily basis like that, is there anything I can say/think to stop building up sexual tension. This is also strangely starting to harbour a dislike towards women in general in me which is a horrible thing. I respect these women more then they respect themselves which is why it pains me so much.
 
Second: Ironically, whenever I see immodestly dressed women in my everyday life I actually get tempted to follow suit and try to see how revealing clothes I can wear. Of course, I’ve never actually done this but my mind is constantly harassed with thoughts about how much pleasure I could have with people looking at my body. I’ve always found it unfair how girls bodies were always treated as “cute” and good and so they were able to get away with wearing barely any clothing. It’s unfair the sheer amount of influence a woman’s body can have on a man. Just the fact that the man’s mind, at the sight of the female body, is intruded by unwelcome thoughts of which need to be rejected shows that men are forced to consider crazy ideas simply because of women. It’s unfair how men have to deal with this for no reason. It’s no wonder why so many women dress like that: it makes them feel “sexy” about their bodies and it gives them a sort of power over men’s minds, even those who don’t lust. And if they get called out for it they can just say that they’re dressing for themselves and are not trying to attract perverts. It gives them a sort of upper hand in the power play of the sexes which is part of the reason why I have strangely been tempted to join in on the promiscuity. One thing that’s helped me has been simply saying to myself: would I wear this without any external influences. I am wondering if anyone else struggles with this and how they’ve overcome it. Maybe it also helps me to understand how hard it is for girls nowadays to dress modestly though too!

So any help here would be greatly appreciated. Please don’t poke fun at me. If you don’t have a real constructive answer or comment post, please don’t comment. These are my real legitimate problems that I’ve tried everything to solve and that have taken a lot of my courage to post on here. And I won’t reply to any comments saying things like, “women don’t dress for you” and “you need to stop lusting after women” and “you need to focus on yourself” and “you are a disgusting male chauvinist perverted pig”. Thanks 😃
 
Modesty

A brief summary:​

There are many things wrong with the way people tackle modesty nowadays. What modesty actually is is a virtue and it applies to all outward things, namely dress, speech, and act. It also applies to guys and girls. People explain modesty completely wrong. The reason for girls to dress modestly is not because of guys but because as Christians we must reflect God on the outside in so that when people look at us, they may only see the beauty of God. That is the actual real reason for modesty but no one’s explaining it properly. The current view in peoples minds contain the following errors:
  • Belief that men are more like animals and cannot control themselves,
  • Belief that if a guy is tempted by clothing it’s his problem–that’s not the reason for modesty but even if it was it would still be indifference which is the opposite of love to say, “I know you could suffer and burn in the fires hell for the rest of eternity but I feel good/don’t care/want to wear what I want and you need to fix your own problems”,
  • Belief that this only pertains to women even though it’s mainly the dress portion which women struggle with nowadays–men struggle very much with the act and speech portion as well,
  • Belief that the woman is responsible for the lust she caused–the woman does not sin when she causes the man to sin as the man is responsible for what he thinks–whereas the wearing of the immodest clothing is in and of itself already a sin regardless of if the guy lusts or not.
Modesty is the gift of the Holy Spirit which allows one to properly reflect what they need to of God to others.
 
Modesty Cont.
With dress, something can be dubbed immodest and sinful when the person either:
  • Is trying to attract unnecessary attention
  • Purposefully dresses to show of social status
  • Purposefully dresses in a way to look careless to Mass (as in intended not to wear clothes which looked nice not an objective dress code or specific clothing items)
  • Wears clothing in the wrong setting i.e. beach clothes indoors.
  • Wears especially small amounts of clothing even when swimming/it’s hot, etc,
  • Purposefully wears clothes to look sexually appealing
  • Wears a piece of clothing knowing that it can prompt others to lust over them and ignoring the fact that their clothing affects others, even if not directly trying to entice them sexually, and thinking “I don’t care/it’s not my problem/I’m dressing for myself/I am not dressing for you,” and things like that. i.e. if someone wore leggings with nothing covering them all the time and hears somewhere that they can be really sexually tempting to men yet thinks, “Well I’m not wearing them for them but for myself since they’re so comfortable and I don’t care about perverts!” and continues to wear them. Even if they weren’t trying to be sexually arousing, they had knowledge that the clothing indeed caused lustful temptations and therefore couldn’t reflect the image of God and failed to then change what they were wearing, even if they were wearing it before
People always say, “but a man can lust over a woman in a burka so should all women wear a burka?” but again it is not about the men and there’s a difference between suggesting something and not.
 
No it’s not. Lust is a choice. Attraction is not. Something which is not a choice cannot be a sin.
 
Can you distill this to a question? It’s more like a two-part diatribe against women.
On the one hand you say you don’t struggle with lust, and on the other hand you say you do struggle with lust.
Which is it?

Your struggle with lust is your spiritual issue. You can be upset with the way people dress, but what is your upset going to solve?
Solve the problems you can solve.
A good rule of thumb: if you want more of some virtue, live that virtue. If you want more modesty, live more modestly, and encourage others to live more modestly (this is not the same things as criticizing immodesty…criticism of others seldom encourages virtue, although it is possible)
 
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I don’t struggle with lust. However (and I realize this may be an unnatural thing) I am very bothered by the innapropriate clothing I see on a daily basis. I asked, “What can I do to make it stop bothering me” since I already have done as much as I can (not lusting). And then the second thing was, “is it weird that I am tempted to dress the same way and how can i stop that temptation (if possible?”
 
ModernCatholic said:
I don’t struggle with lust. However (and I realize this may be an unnatural thing) I am very bothered by the innapropriate clothing I see on a daily basis. I asked, “What can I do to make it stop bothering me” since I already have done as much as I can (not lusting). And then the second thing was, “is it weird that I am tempted to dress the same way and how can i stop that temptation (if possible?”
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Umm…you just posted two complete full posts about your struggle with immodesty and how it is scandalizing you.
Are you being honest with yourself? Knowledge of self is part of the path to sanctity.
“Con-viction”. A good word to ponder in the glow of Pentecost. The Holy Spirit brings us to truth. We see ourselves as we are, accept our spiritual state in the light of truth, and progress from there.
 
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ModernCatholic said:
I don’t struggle with lust. However (and I realize this may be an unnatural thing) I am very bothered by the innapropriate clothing I see on a daily basis. I asked, “What can I do to make it stop bothering me” since I already have done as much as I can (not lusting). And then the second thing was, “is it weird that I am tempted to dress the same way and how can i stop that temptation (if possible?”
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Most of us live all day, everyday with things that bother us. We have to live in the world in which we have been placed.

I must be honest. You sound like you don’t like women much. I am not sure what that is about, but you may want to look into it and explore yourself a bit. Your post sounds a bit mysogynistic to me, and I don’t say that lightly.

It sounds like you are fixated on this issue in a way that is unhealthy. I would suggest some therapy. It might be really helpful to help you get to the root of your issues so you can deal with them effectively and learn to enjoy life more.
 
I believe men and women are equals… I don’t know what you mean by misogynistic. Maybe my post came off as a little accusatory but I have nothing against women. To which I’m sorry if it did. Women are wonderfuly made the way God intsnded them to be.
 
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There is quite literally nothing you can do about how other people choose to dress. So now what? You hide away? You shrink from the world so that you don’t have to deal with it? No. The problem and the solution are within you. You are in control of your thoughts and your emotions. No one is making you feel any certain way. It’s time for some serious reflection on your part.
 
Have you expressed to any of these women all of the trouble they’re causing you? Surely, they’d be happy to change how they dress so you’re not offended. You might politely suggest to them that they wear long, flowing garments. Also, you might ask them to wear headcoverings such as a veils. Indeed, suggest that the clothing be a subdued color such as black. And, tell them, if they make this a daily habit, you’ll have a better day everyday.
 
Exactly. So I am asking specifically what I can do internally to stop this from bothering me since I can’t control other peoole.
 
Parts of it sounded very frustrated, and much of that frustration was targeted at women within the content of your post.

I can understand the frustration. I do. But the source of that frustration has a large internal component. Most of us need to better mind our thoughts and redirect then elsewhere to healthier topics. Do that and the battle is pretty much won. You have to keep the flame burning low, don’t add fuel to the fire.
 
No not specifically but I was hoping for something I could do myself since innapropriately dressed women (and men!) Will always exist. But I don’t want to be so spiritually damaged by every small instance. And doing a quick online search into it shows you the general attitude about modesty. And I’m not some Catholic extremist or something. If I did that then they would tell me to control my own thoughts which I already do. Which leads me here again.
 
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ModernCatholic said:
I believe men and women are equals… I don’t know what you mean by misogynistic. Maybe my post came off as a little accusatory but I have nothing against women. To which I’m sorry if it did. Women are wonderfuly made the way God intsnded them to be.
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You spent quite a bit of time discussing how it was unfair that women have advantages over men. Reading further, the things you called out aren’t advantages at all. Leggings? Really? There is nothing wrong with leggings.

Your post conveys, to me, jealousy of women. You state that you are “starting to” develop a dislike for women. Then you explain it is basically because of their bodies.

You state several times you aren’t attracted and/or don’t lust after women who you find dress immodestly. Did I misunderstand your post? I am confused. Are you SSA? Are you having difficulty with this?

I read and re-read your post, and I am unclear (I guess) on what the issue is. You aren’t attracted to women who dress in ways you deem immodest, but you hate that they do that?

If you could put your issue, in writing, in three or four bullets I think it may help the rest of us here to understand what your issue is so we can try to help you.
 
If I find my mind straying I either say a Hail Mary or three, or maybe the Jesus Prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

Then try to think of something else. Like a hobby or book or TV show I’m preoccupied with.
 
FelixW said:
“I am attracted to women, I dont lust after them”. That is a contradiction. Attraction is a form of lust. You are denying your choice. Pray. If you are graceful, no naked women, not even pornography would disturb you. Stop blaming women for your lust and beat the lust.
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On what do you base your belief that “attraction is a form of lust”?

Isn’t lust purely based on sexual desire and wanting to act on that desire, or actually acting on those sexual desire, whereas attraction to someone can be based on many things such as their beauty, intelligence, humour, compassion etc. and unlike lust, attraction doesn’t have a base of pure sexual desire so I think attraction and lust do differ, do they not? Can others also please elaborate on this?
 
Do you have access to Formed? There is a very good talk on there called Calming the Emotional Storms by Dr. Gregory Popcak. It is definitely worth listening to! He lays out a 4-step process for dealing with our thoughts in a healthy way:
  1. Reflect on what has happened and write it down This should be as objective as possible. Ex. Women are walking down the street dressed in a socially appropriate but somewhat revealing manner.
  2. Ask yourself whether these thoughts are of God or of something or someone else. Here it is helpful to consider whether there is consolation or desolation here. Reject desolation.
  3. Ask what God would want you to do. How can you adjust your emotional reaction to better reflect the light of God?
  4. Take action based on your better understanding. What do you need to do to make things right? Apologize? Pray?
It’s a good talk. It’s about an hour. I highly recommend it.
 
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