Why doesn't doing the right things bring me peace?

[holyrood]

Sorry to say, I typically come here with concerns and questions about my faith.

Today’s is, why do I seem never able to find peace, even when I’m doing all the ‘right’ things? I have tried hard for 20 years to live my faith. I have said the daily Rosary (at times better than others) and fasted weekly for 15+ years (except when pregnant). In the last couple of years, I am very close to monthly confession. I recently went to Medjugorje and since coming back am saying 15 decades daily, fast twice a week, and am reading Scripture almost daily. (I’d been working on all of these things before going, too.) I teach my children the faith, and strive to follow the harder and less popular teachings. I think I’ve done a fairly good job of forgiving people and moving on.

But I do not feel at peace. I’m not sure if it makes any difference to post the specific difficulties in my life (after all, we all have difficulties), but I have finally had it with several family members and a family dynamic that seems to view me as the problem child and scapegoat. I posted many months ago about a sister who went into rages at me and my children. (The general advice here was to stay away from such out of control behavior). Since then, I’ve been informed by my father that she is justified in treating me that way, that I must be a hypocrite since my non-church going sisters ‘dont’ have these problems,’ that I’m not a very good mother (actually, most people think my kids are quite well-behaved, but my father has unrealistic expectations for kids, not to mention the difficult situation into which they were put), and so on. When I tried to point out that there were several other factors, he launched into yelling, too, and wouldn’t even consider that maybe there’s more going on than that my children and I are just horrible. He said the reason I don’t go off on people is because the rest of them never do anything annoying (no, I don’t go into rages because I’ve worked hard to be patient and accepting.)

So today my sister sent an apology of sorts (I could have handled it more maturely), 16 months after screaming insults at me over Christmas dinner. In the past, every time someone has decided to play nice, I’ve been right back there, genuinely forgiving and putting it in the past. This includes incidents of domestic violence from my father even into my adult years, and lots of verbal and emotional abuse and scapegoating. (He slaps my mother and rips phones out of the wall, and tells me it’s my fault the neighbors think badly of him and he’s got marriage problems, as one example among many.)

This time, I’m angry. I don’t want a relationship with these people. Right at this moment, I don’t even like them. I don’t really foresee anything changing if I go back and play nice. My sister has not addressed her lifetime habit of tempers. To the best of my knowledge, they are still all scapegoating.

What is the Christian response in this situation?

ETA: I just re-read and realized I’ve asked two completely separate questions. Why am I not finding peace despite doing everything God has asked to the best of my ability, and where do I go from here with these family issues?

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I don’t have my Bible handy, but Christ once said “I do not bring peace, but a sword.” To paraphrase that scripture passage as I remember, mothers will be against daughters, fathers against sons, etc. It sounds like that passage is meant for you.

Perhaps these things are happening within your family *because *of your witness to them, and they are so hard of heart that your mere Christ-like presence among them causes their souls great conflict. It’s a blessing to them, but they won’t see it that way. You are challenging them and they don’t want to be challenged. You are the sword.

But fear not, as the Bible says 365 times. Re-read the **Beatitudes **for your consolation. Blessed are they who are persecuted for righteousness sake. Theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven!

That would be you, apparently .

 

[Mark77]

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." (Mt 10:34).

This life will never bring us peace or complete satisfaction! We are just exiles passing through on our way to eternal life with Jesus in Heaven.

"And he said to all, “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Lk 9:23).

Sancta Maria, Mater Die, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark

 

[Miraluna]

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries. Being a good Christian does not mean being a doormat. If there are relationships that are causing you to lose peace it is possible that you are enabling that. Have you read Boundaries by Dr. Cloud? I have not read the book, but I have heard many people speak so well of it. It is on my summer reading list. I included a link where you can read a small summary of the book to see if it might help.

daveramsey.com/store/Books/Daves-Library/Business-Leadership/-i-boundaries-i-/prod303.html

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." (Mt 10:34).

This life will never bring us peace or complete satisfaction! We are just exiles passing through on our way to eternal life with Jesus in Heaven.

"And he said to all, “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Lk 9:23).

Sancta Maria, Mater Die, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark

THERE IT IS! Thank you Mark77. I just moved and haven’t finished unpacking. I’m not stopping tonight until I get out my Bible! Phew!

 

[Lainey63]

I can relate with what you are going through with your sister. I’ve had a rocky relationship with mine and like you I just had enough. When my father was alive, he always used to tell me that it was up to me to keep the peace in the family-which meant keep your mouth shut and tolerate it. She also apologizes the same as you described…acting like nothing ever happened. After he died a few things happened and I was done “keeping the peace”…the biggest reason I was done was because I didn’t have any peace. So I decided that I would write to my sister that way I could get everything said that I needed to say because I knew if I went to talk to her we would just argue. And I wrote a nice letter, not condemning, not accusatory but I did set some boundaries and I got an opinion from my best friend and my mother to make sure there was nothing inflammatory in it and it left the door wide open for further discussion. I felt really good about it and she responded with profanity. So I told her good-bye. That was it. I felt a sense of relief and peace did come because I didn’t have to deal with being treated poorly anymore. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t weepy, but I was just finished fulfilling my role…that I had been expected to continue by everyone in my family being the doormat. Eventually, my sister did come back into my life, but things are nowhere the same as they were before. Which is a good thing.

 

[jamesdunnaway]

love them, but that does not mean you must like them. Maybe a little space is in order. your life with your father and sisters may be preventing you from feeling at peace, maybe once that situation is rectified your mind may be better suited to find peace in your worship of our father God the Allmighty. I will pray for your peace and i will pray for your father and sisters to come to know the Lord. Maybe this will help if it is our Fathers will.

Almighty God, in whose hands lies the destiny of men and nations, Let not the hopes of men perish, nor the sacrifices of men be in vain. O holy and life-giving Spirit, enable us by thy grace to root out from our common life the bitterness of ancient wrongs and the thirst to avenge the betrayals of long ago. Save us from the tyranny of history and set us free in a new obedience to serve each other in the present hour. Accepting the redemption wrought for us, we believe that all our sins of yesterday are covered by thy mercy; Grant us therefore grace and courage to give and to receive the forgiveness which alone can heal today’s wounds. Draw us, O Lord, towards loving kindness and guide us into the way of peace.

 

[holyrood]

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries. Being a good Christian does not mean being a doormat. If there are relationships that are causing you to lose peace it is possible that you are enabling that. Have you read Boundaries by Dr. Cloud? I have not read the book, but I have heard many people speak so well of it. It is on my summer reading list. I included a link where you can read a small summary of the book to see if it might help.

daveramsey.com/store/Books/Daves-Library/Business-Leadership/-i-boundaries-i-/prod303.html

We moved out of state for 12 years because of my father’s behavior. We moved back because I thought he’d really changed. And most of the past 5 years has been pretty good. My conversation (I use the term loosely) with him a couple of months ago makes me think that those good years were, in his mind, him being the bigger person and forgiving me for (supposedly) being such a difficult child, while I took it as him having changed.

As to my sister, part of the reason my dad is angry is because I set boundaries and refused to take my kids back for a third Christmas. They all regard me as ‘holding a grudge.’ I have had no contact with them for 3 months due to my dad’s attitude and yelling instead of listening when I tried to discuss it, so I have set boundaries.

I think I have the book. Maybe I’ll pull it out and read it again.

 

[holyrood]

love them, but that does not mean you must like them. Maybe a little space is in order. your life with your father and sisters may be preventing you from feeling at peace, maybe once that situation is rectified your mind may be better suited to find peace in your worship of our father God the Allmighty. I will pray for your peace and i will pray for your father and sisters to come to know the Lord. Maybe this will help if it is our Fathers will.

The ‘sad’ truth is that I HAVE felt better and more at peace in the 3 months since I’ve cut ties. I’m more at peace with my children, not feeling that cricalness of them, not feeling I have to make them perfect so my parents won’t yell at them. I feel more free to be the parent. I realized the other day that I’m no longer be subjected to each of my parents complaining to me about the other, and I LIKE being free from that.

What has brought this to the forefront today is receiving a somewhat backhanded apology from my sister right on top of discussing with my husband whether we’re going to invite them for my older daughter’s graduation party.

 

[holyrood]

I can relate with what you are going through with your sister. I’ve had a rocky relationship with mine and like you I just had enough. When my father was alive, he always used to tell me that it was up to me to keep the peace in the family-which meant keep your mouth shut and tolerate it. She also apologizes the same as you described…acting like nothing ever happened.

Yes, you do understand, then! I have been told several times over the course of my life to sit down and listen to my sisters’ (that’s plural) complaints about me. My dad told me I was ‘ruining a good family’ by not taking my kids back for another Christmas, and if I would just ‘teach them properly’ we could all enjoy Christmas again. I was left with the understanding that if my sister gets upset about anything, she has been given free reign to blame it on me and scream insults, and they will back her up. (As I said, most people think my kids are quite polite and well-behaved. There were 25 of us in a 3 bedroom house for 36 hours over Christmas, in a climate far too cold to send anyone outside to play, including two large meals and getting ready for Mass-- of COURSE it was stressful.)

I have come to the conclusion that my keeping the peace is giving ‘peace’ to everyone else at my expense, and I do not have peace.

 

[Jan_Bolbot]

It is sometimes easier to “make peace” by overlooking bad behavior, but it is always temporary. Forgiveness can’t be a means of excusing sin. You can’t expose your family, your kids to that atmosphere.

Bad things are occurring my life as I watch a person I love more than any other turn completely dysfunctional and I’m helpless to stop it. I have the same, “I know I am doing the right thing (mostly), but I don’t feel at peace” feeling. I had a long talk to my priest about it and he said: “perhaps you are experiencing the passion for the salvation of that person.” Blew me away. (So great to have wonderful priest!) What a thought–God may be using me to save someone!

So you know God is working your life. You don’t know how. Your sister and father are treating you horribly. But there is a reason you are experiencing this. Maybe–I don’t want to even try guess God’s plan in my life let alone yours–the pain you have experienced will save another soul. Yours maybe. Maybe your kids will see an example of how a Christian deals with suffering. Maybe your sister’s, your father. You can’t tell. Keep praying, keep forgiving, but not excusing. If they are too toxic step away, if they improve step closer.

The late Fr. John Neuhaus used to say “God only asks us to try, the rest is His business.”

I’m saying a prayer for you.

JB

 

[Lainey63]

25 people in a 3 bedroom house even under the best circumstances is hard. Isn’t it amazing how much more it hurts when someone attacks our kids. I’m sure they will be totally grateful to be kept away from that type of atmosphere. They don’t need to see their mother verbally attacked or abused. Also, I don’t know if this applies to your family but when someone is a substance abuser i.e. alcoholic every holiday is ruined, that is just the way it is every weekend is ruined the substance abuser loves to create and be in the midst of kaos. One thing I learned is that when I get that incrediable gut wrenching turning stomach & dread that is my alarm going off (I think of that robot on “Lost In Space”, Danger! Will Smith! and I need to stand up for myself which is hard because I hate confrontation and I used to always believe it was me, my perception was wrong. It was unchristian of me. But I am learning to set boundaries and Christ doesn’t want us to be doormats. I really wasn’t being Christ- like I was letting my fear rule me. Being meek & humble of heart doesn’t mean letting people abuse you and your kids. Humility is not being humiliated, shamed. I’ve also learned just because someone doesn’t like what I am doing and is treating me poorly-doesn’t mean that I am wrong. And I can’t change their behavior but I can change mine. They say whatever you decide to do and it gives you inner peace is what God wants you to do. Then, let it go and place at the foot of the cross and you won’t be sorry.

 

[searcher_geoff]

G’day Holyrood
I feel for you and ask God’s blessings to give you peace. It sounds like you have done all that is possible to bring God’s love into the situation and you should feel very proud of your efforts. I gather from what you say that you are not the problem with your family, they are. We as christians are not doormats, but people who live the way of Christ and as such, we are confronting to those around us because we are challenging the way they live. Peace comes from knowing that no matter what is happening around us or even what we do, God loves us and will always love us and as long as we are trying as hard as we can, we will walk in his house all the days of our lives. We ourselves cannot change people’s way of thinking or acting, the only way they will change is by accepting the promptings of God and if you remember that God also loves them and wants them to be saved and will do all in his power to bring that about, you can be at peace. All these people are adults and if they are causing you to question yourself you need to put in boundries and let them know in a loving but firm way. You have done your job now let God do his and although you may not see any results trust him for he dosent break promises. You are not walking away from them, they are walking away from you. I hope this is of some help to you may God bless cheers Geoff

 

[puzzleannie]

obviously, like medical advice, we can’t in this forum give specific spiritual direction to an individual, but here are some general observations, gleaned mainly from being part of a prayer group of women ranging in age from mothers of school age children to seniors, and reading in the past on many good classics of Christian spiritual direction, and being under direction myself. Multiplicity of spiritual practices does not really add anything, with time it is best to grow into a style of prayer and practice that fits best with the demands of your life at this time. Of themselves, spiritual practices and devotions add little if done without the proper underlying spirit which is to identify with and join with the prayer and suffering of our Lord.

The classic spiritual advice of course is that if there is a spirit of resentment, unforgiveness, unrighted past wrongs, or of course underlying habitual sin, there can be no true spiritual progress nor peace until this issues are resolved. OP sounds very insightful in identifying some of the pain in personal life that might be a barrier, but whether that can be resolved solely through spiritual means, or requires some outside help, even professional counselling, would be for the individual to decide. But such an individual could certainly benefit from spiritual direction.

a prayerbook that helped me through a difficult time in confronting life and family situations, as well as establishing a healthful prayer habit, is a little red booklet called an hour of prayer or something similar by Linda (Shubert? Shulman?) who I believe comes out of charismatic spirituality. She literally has a diagram, dividing the hour into sections of different kinds of prayer, praise, adoration, contrition, petition etc., but has a specific section, with exactly what to say, on forgiving those who have hurt us, and asking forgiveness for wrongs we have done, and releasing ourselves from bitterness and resentment of past wrongs. Not in the general way as stated here, but very specific. I found it extremely helpful, I will dig around and when I find the proper title will post again.

there is also classic spiritual advice on separating ourselves from those, even family members, who are downright dangerous or abusive, or who are impediments to our own spiritual health. this can be an act of love in itself especially if it breaks a patter of abuse, enabling, co-dependency etc. You cannot have a relationship with someone who does not want one, and refuses to even obey the groundrules of sane relationships. Forgiveness is another matter, and takes a lot of time, and goes through several stages, but you sometimes have to remove yourself from a harmful situation before that process can begin. Forgiveness does NOT mean accepting or condoning bad behavior, it means confronting its effects honestly and eliminating their power over you. Life-changing for me in this regard was a Healed in the Spirit retreat (under charismatic offices, even though I am not in general a charismatic Christian in that sense).

but in a practical sense, when you set boundaries you have to stick with them, and when you cut ties, they have to stay cut unless there is real, material, earth-breaking change, not promises and superficial change. for that, is where we sometimes need professional intervention esp. if it involves our adult children.

Never complain, never explain. (Hank II)

 

[benedictus2]

Sorry to say, I typically come here with concerns and questions about my faith.

Today’s is, why do I seem never able to find peace, even when I’m doing all the ‘right’ things? I have tried hard for 20 years to live my faith. I have said the daily Rosary (at times better than others) and fasted weekly for 15+ years (except when pregnant). In the last couple of years, I am very close to monthly confession. I recently went to v
v
v
v
ETA: I just re-read and realized I’ve asked two completely separate questions. Why am I not finding peace despite doing everything God has asked to the best of my ability, and where do I go from here with these family issues?

Hi Holyrood,

I am really touched by your post.

This is my opinion only but I don’t think increasing your prayers is the answer.

It might be good to ask yourself how you feel about prayer. Do you feel drawn or driven to it? Our God is a gentle God and if the increase in prayer is truly an inspiration from Him then you will be drawn to it. But if you feel driven to prayer then I think it is the enemy who inspiring you to increase your prayer.

Also it might be good to look at your image of God. One way to sort of see how you view God is to imagine His expression when you are praying. Does He look cold and distant? Condemning? Disinterested? Or is He looking tenderly at you with love?

Here is another thing that might help as well.

When you go to Mass, if you go say 10 mins or so before Mass, try to think of all that is wearing you down and all that is making you unhappy. During the offertory, offer that all to God. Offer yourself to Him. All your burdens, pains, everything that is holding you bound. Try to do this consciously at every Mass.

As regards forgiveness, there is no need to forgive straight away. Sometimes you need to allow yourself time to feel the hurt deeply then ask God to help you to forgive. We cannot forgive by ourselves but God in us can do that. So if the most you can say at prayer is “I can’t forgive, please help me to forgive” I think that is okay with God. He knows our hearts, our deepest desires and knows our pain intimately.

I will pray for you.

 

[holyrood]

One thing I learned is that when I get that incrediable gut wrenching turning stomach & dread that is my alarm going off (I think of that robot on “Lost In Space”, Danger! Will Smith! and I need to stand up for myself which is hard because I hate confrontation and I used to always believe it was me, my perception was wrong. It was unchristian of me. But I am learning to set boundaries and Christ doesn’t want us to be doormats. I really wasn’t being Christ- like I was letting my fear rule me. Being meek & humble of heart doesn’t mean letting people abuse you and your kids. Humility is not being humiliated, shamed. I’ve also learned just because someone doesn’t like what I am doing and is treating me poorly-doesn’t mean that I am wrong. And I can’t change their behavior but I can change mine. They say whatever you decide to do and it gives you inner peace is what God wants you to do. Then, let it go and place at the foot of the cross and you won’t be sorry.

Thank you. The older kids didn’t witness the screaming. They were upstairs. None of my family drink to excess, but my father was diagnosed years ago as a ‘dry alcoholic.’

What’s hard-- about being told I’m wrong, even when I can’t find a single logical thing I could have done better or could do better in future-- is that I seem to have gone and married into a similar family, who also plays the scapegoating game. Absolutely insane things, like shunning me permanently because I had to leave lunch early one day to go to work. So for 30 years, the people closest to me have been telling me I’m bad, bad, bad, in a multitude of ways. (It helped immensely when my counselor pointed out that I don’t have these problems with ANYONE outside my family and his. Outside of our families, people like and respect me.)

Walking away from this and praying for them gives me inner peace.

 

[holyrood]

You can’t tell. Keep praying, keep forgiving, but not excusing. If they are too toxic step away, if they improve step closer.

I’m saying a prayer for you.

JB

Thank you, and thank you for your prayers. I suppose in a way, I’m seeking Christian permission to do what I feel deep down is necessary.

 

[holyrood]

a prayerbook that helped me through a difficult time in confronting life and family situations, as well as establishing a healthful prayer habit, is a little red booklet called an hour of prayer or something similar by Linda (Shubert? Shulman?) …

there is also classic spiritual advice on separating ourselves from those, even family members, who are downright dangerous or abusive, or who are impediments to our own spiritual health. this can be an act of love in itself especially if it breaks a patter of abuse, enabling, co-dependency etc. You cannot have a relationship with someone who does not want one, and refuses to even obey the groundrules of sane relationships. Forgiveness is another matter, and takes a lot of time, and goes through several stages, but you sometimes have to remove yourself from a harmful situation before that process can begin. Forgiveness does NOT mean accepting or condoning bad behavior, it means confronting its effects honestly and eliminating their power over you. Life-changing for me in this regard was a Healed in the Spirit retreat (under charismatic offices, even though I am not in general a charismatic Christian in that sense).

but in a practical sense, when you set boundaries you have to stick with them, and when you cut ties, they have to stay cut unless there is real, material, earth-breaking change, not promises and superficial change. for that, is where we sometimes need professional intervention esp. if it involves our adult children.

Thank you for your advice. I would like the title/ author of that book if you can find it.

I have long wanted to start spiritual direction, but not sure how or where. I called one person, who was charging $30 an hour. At the time, that was too much. Others have told me there shouldn’t be a charge for spiritual direction, so I’m not sure what to make of that and have not proceeded with it.

Your words strike home, especially about continuing or ending relationships in another situation, too.

 

[holyrood]

It might be good to ask yourself how you feel about prayer. Do you feel drawn or driven to it? Our God is a gentle God and if the increase in prayer is truly an inspiration from Him then you will be drawn to it. But if you feel driven to prayer then I think it is the enemy who inspiring you to increase your prayer.

Also it might be good to look at your image of God. One way to sort of see how you view God is to imagine His expression when you are praying. Does He look cold and distant? Condemning? Disinterested? Or is He looking tenderly at you with love?

I will pray for you.

I feel much more drawn to prayer since coming back from Medjugorje.

It’s interesting you ask about my image of God. I have never thought about His expression when I pray, but I did realize maybe two or three years ago, that my image of God is a cruel trickster laying traps and waiting to play GOTCHA. I realized this comes directly from how my parents and husband behave. As an example, my dad spent years telling me I did everything ‘half-assed.’ (Actually, I was an honor student who taught myself to play a dozen instruments, was good enough to play 4 of them semi-professionally, and put myself through college.)

So when I worked for him one summer and did everything in my power to sweep the last speck of dust out of the new housing construction (so he wouldn’t call it half-assed), I was then ridiculed for taking too long. Similar things happen with my mother and husband. If I try to talk to my husband about what’s wrong in our marriage (years of secrets and lies regarding other women-- not exactly a small thing), he says I’m rushing him, didn’t give him time to respond. If I wait and give him time, I’m told it’s my own fault he didn’t realize it was still a problem because I didn’t say anything.

I finally realized the only ground rule is that I’m always wrong and they’re always right. And later, I saw how it’s affected my view of God Himself.

So the short and long is, no matter how hard I try, yes, I do still have this feeling that when I face God, I’m going to be told that absolutely everything I ever did was wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s something I’m working on, and I think your suggestions will help.

To hear in this thread over and over the message that God is a loving God helps. I know that in my head, but I often realize I don’t really believe it in my heart.

 

[puzzleannie]

found it
Miracle Hour: a method of prayer that will change your life, by Linda Schubert, forward by Fr. Robert DeGrandis SSJ

these are the 12 divisions of the hour, but you really have to read her descriptions, because for someone looking for "what should I say?’ this is a great guide

praise; sing to the Lord; spiritual warfare; surrender; release of the Holy Spirit;repentence; forgiveness; scripture reflections; wait for the Lord to speak; intercessions; petitions; thanksgiving. each section has suggested scripture readings, and ends with the Our Father etc.

I recommend her method, particularly in the forgivness, repentence sections, because it forces one to name the person, issue or problem. it is easy to glide over forgiveness when we just say, God help me with my family problems.

Jeff Cavins is one speaker who comes immediately to mind, in his testimony about his own conversion and his struggles with his own father, there are many others, who make the link between our damaged relationship with our own parents (or children) and the problems that gives in our relationship with God.