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Xantippe
Guest
Here’s an article I found on what kinds of older boyfriends are particularly problematic for young women.
scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/why_i_deeply_dislike_your_older_boyfriend
It’s a very secular site, which I know some people will find objectionable, but I think there’s a lot of insight in the article with regard to red flags in relationships with a large age disparity. As I’ve mentioned before on CAF, I had a very problematic relationship with a mid-30s guy when I was 19, and a lot of this rings true to me.
I think it might be helpful to talk to teenage daughters about some of the ideas in the piece, even if the piece as a whole might be too rah-rah birth control for giving the whole thing to younger teens. There’s are a lot of stats in the parts I haven’t quoted about how when there is a large age disparity, there’s a much higher chance of STI transmission and pregnancy.
Here are some quotes:
“I’m aware – including in my personal life, having been in more than one healthy age-disparate relationship with an older partner – that not every older boyfriend is abusive, exploitive or a waste of breatheable air. Your older boyfriend may well be someone who is a stand-up guy, who is aware that age does matter and treads lightly to avoid exploiting you in any way. He may be someone who does care deeply for you, has all the respect in the world for you, and demonstrates that clearly and consistently in your relationship.”
“So unfortunately, I’m also all too aware – as is every reproductive health and teen advocacy group worldwide – that the rule, rather than the exception, is that your older boyfriend is more likely to be bad news than good. And the younger you are, the more statistically likely it is that your older partner is going to spell major league disaster for you.”
“I feel like he chose you because he thinks you can be convinced he’s as good as you’re going to get: when the truth is that you are the one who is as good as HE is going to get. I feel like dating someone as smart, gorgeous, fabulous and awesome as you are is something he does in part to make himself feel more important than he actually is. I feel like he thinks it’s okay to use you to make others think better of him than he actually deserves. I feel like he chose you because he thinks “getting” you is an achievement all about him, not a partnership about both of you.”
“I feel like he chose you because he thinks that he can be held to lower standards by you than someone closer to his age would hold him to. I hear you when you tell me that you value his picking you, that someone older and wiser choosing to be with you makes you feel important, but I don’t understand why when he doesn’t act like someone older and wiser. I know he tells you how mature for your age you are, and how your maturity puts you “on the same level.” The part he always seems to leave out is that if you are on a similar level of maturity, it’s only because he is immature for his age.”
“Like because he knows someone younger has limited life experience which makes it harder to see when something or someone is bad news.”
“He knows that because he’s been your age before, and knows that things are different for him at the age he is now. When you’re his age, you’ll know that, too, but he also knows you don’t know that yet.”
“Months, years or even decades from now when you look back on this relationship, how do you think you’re going to feel about it, especially if it left you with an unwanted pregnancy, an STI, an abiding sense of distrust, sex you didn’t want, self-esteem you had to reconstruct, friends and family you had to try and repair relationships with, abuse or just a pack of lies and betrayals? If it – as these tend to – tossed one or more areas of your life into total disarray or put big things you wanted on hold, if it caused you to miss valuable opportunities, do you think you might wish then that you ditched this dupe earlier? Do you think that, at that point, were you able to reach back in time and talk to the you-of-now, you might not want to grip your shoulders and say “Wake the heck UP, girl!” as loud as you could?”
“He may be older but he’s not wiser, and he’s not acting like a grownup. He doesn’t want to grow up, which is part of why he’s dating people he perceives as not grownup themselves.”
scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/why_i_deeply_dislike_your_older_boyfriend
It’s a very secular site, which I know some people will find objectionable, but I think there’s a lot of insight in the article with regard to red flags in relationships with a large age disparity. As I’ve mentioned before on CAF, I had a very problematic relationship with a mid-30s guy when I was 19, and a lot of this rings true to me.
I think it might be helpful to talk to teenage daughters about some of the ideas in the piece, even if the piece as a whole might be too rah-rah birth control for giving the whole thing to younger teens. There’s are a lot of stats in the parts I haven’t quoted about how when there is a large age disparity, there’s a much higher chance of STI transmission and pregnancy.
Here are some quotes:
“I’m aware – including in my personal life, having been in more than one healthy age-disparate relationship with an older partner – that not every older boyfriend is abusive, exploitive or a waste of breatheable air. Your older boyfriend may well be someone who is a stand-up guy, who is aware that age does matter and treads lightly to avoid exploiting you in any way. He may be someone who does care deeply for you, has all the respect in the world for you, and demonstrates that clearly and consistently in your relationship.”
“So unfortunately, I’m also all too aware – as is every reproductive health and teen advocacy group worldwide – that the rule, rather than the exception, is that your older boyfriend is more likely to be bad news than good. And the younger you are, the more statistically likely it is that your older partner is going to spell major league disaster for you.”
“I feel like he chose you because he thinks you can be convinced he’s as good as you’re going to get: when the truth is that you are the one who is as good as HE is going to get. I feel like dating someone as smart, gorgeous, fabulous and awesome as you are is something he does in part to make himself feel more important than he actually is. I feel like he thinks it’s okay to use you to make others think better of him than he actually deserves. I feel like he chose you because he thinks “getting” you is an achievement all about him, not a partnership about both of you.”
“I feel like he chose you because he thinks that he can be held to lower standards by you than someone closer to his age would hold him to. I hear you when you tell me that you value his picking you, that someone older and wiser choosing to be with you makes you feel important, but I don’t understand why when he doesn’t act like someone older and wiser. I know he tells you how mature for your age you are, and how your maturity puts you “on the same level.” The part he always seems to leave out is that if you are on a similar level of maturity, it’s only because he is immature for his age.”
“Like because he knows someone younger has limited life experience which makes it harder to see when something or someone is bad news.”
“He knows that because he’s been your age before, and knows that things are different for him at the age he is now. When you’re his age, you’ll know that, too, but he also knows you don’t know that yet.”
“Months, years or even decades from now when you look back on this relationship, how do you think you’re going to feel about it, especially if it left you with an unwanted pregnancy, an STI, an abiding sense of distrust, sex you didn’t want, self-esteem you had to reconstruct, friends and family you had to try and repair relationships with, abuse or just a pack of lies and betrayals? If it – as these tend to – tossed one or more areas of your life into total disarray or put big things you wanted on hold, if it caused you to miss valuable opportunities, do you think you might wish then that you ditched this dupe earlier? Do you think that, at that point, were you able to reach back in time and talk to the you-of-now, you might not want to grip your shoulders and say “Wake the heck UP, girl!” as loud as you could?”
“He may be older but he’s not wiser, and he’s not acting like a grownup. He doesn’t want to grow up, which is part of why he’s dating people he perceives as not grownup themselves.”
