Why I don't think I want a big family

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awke

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I’ve been thinking about this a bit lately, and I’ve come up with the reasons why I don’t think I want a big family:

Selfish Reasons

My Interests - I’d be lying if I didn’t include this in here. Getting married and having kids has forced me to severely cut back on my personal interests. I’m perfectly fine with that and knew this would be a sacrifice going in. (And my wife has been awesome of trying to let me get a chance to get out). But honestly, I’m pretty sure that having a big family would force me to completely abandon my personal interests/hobbies altogether.

Financial Security - Yes, this is a selfish reason: I wouldn’t have financial security. I do make a good salary, but to be fair, I by no means live lavishly. We gave 15% of our income to charity last year, live in a house well below our means, shop at garage sales for clothes, have cheap cars, don’t take expensive vacations, don’t have cable, do all of our own house projects, order off of the value menu, bike around town, etc. I try to save money to be able to pay for an unexpected medical/jobless expenses, help with kids education, give it away, etc. (It’s certainly not so I can live in luxury).

Possibly Selfish Reasons

My Career - I work in an industry where I need to do work at home to keep up my skills and remain competitive. Possibly selfish because this is my career, but ultimately I just want to keep a job to be able to provide for my family. I really don’t care about getting a raise.

My Sanity - I love my kids with all my heart, but helping to raise them does take a big toll on my sanity. I want to do absolutely everything in my power to raise them right, but I just don’t know if I can do this again.

Non-Selfish Reasons

My Wife’s Sanity - My wife is an awesome wife and awesome mother. But raising children takes a toll on her. When she watches the kids for the entire day on her own, about half of the time I come home to her in tears. I’d rather not discuss specifics here.

My Children’s Education - Our education system is horribly expensive, and our public school districts are awful here. I want to give my kids the best education I can, without leaving them (too) broke after college. I don’t expect to be able to pay for all of it, but I really want to help avoid them graduating with the crippling debt that so many grads have. I’m not talking about a Catholic college here, but even just helping to pay for a state school. If I have more kids, this more or less goes out the window: I would have a tough time paying for a private elementary school, and probably wouldn’t have any left over for college.

**Volunteering **- I haven’t been good at volunteering, but ever since I’ve started reading about Pope Francis, I’ve felt inspired to start volunteering. It’s so hard to find the time to do it now, and it would only get worse with a big family.

**My Children **- I think I’m a good, at least decent, father. But I honestly don’t know if I would still be a good father if I had several more kids.

My Oldest - This is going to go against what a lot of people here will feel, but I don’t believe it is appropriate to rely on my oldest to help raising the younger kids. I don’t want to put her in that position.

To be clear, I absolutely love my kids. And I love being a father. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m open to life in that if we got pregnant, I certainly wouldn’t seek an abortion and I would love my child with all my heart. But I honestly just don’t think I want any more children.

So now my question -

Why is it a mortal sin for me to want to use a non-abortifacient birth control to be able to have sex with my wife without conceiving any more children?

I just want to be able to remain close with my wife while keeping our family at our current size and to be a good father. We use NFP now, but without sharing specifics, I don’t think it’s going to be an effective method for us.
 
Looking back, I wish I had a bigger family.
Go for the bigger family.
 
My husband and I don’t want a big family.

We are about to have our third baby and I’m completely maxed out at this point.

I could care less if the reasons are “selfish” or not.

It is only up to you, your wife and God no one else to make the decision.

As long as you’re open to life within your marriage…nothing else matters.

I could go into a long list of reasons why I think it’s a good reason to not have any more children…but if I do…there will always be someone who will think that it’s selfish…and I’m not being “open enough” to God’s will.

Well, there is nothing in the Catechism that says I have to have xyz number of kids in order to be considered holy.

It only says that my husband and I can’t do anything to corrupt the marital act.

For me…three is more then enough.

It bugs me to see threads like this because there will be people who will post that you should just be open to God’s will and have as many children as possible.
Or that the reasons you have posted are too selfish.

It also paints a clear picture of who thinks that having less then any certain number of children is probably using contraception or has gotten fixed.

My husband is guilty of this all the time and I have to remind him that not everyone can or will have more then 2 kids.
 
Because I came from a large extended family, six aunts, uncles, and lots of cousins, I was not fearful of having a large family.

My husband and I had four girls and four boys. Money was tight and we had to accept that and cooperate. We were never hungry or cold, we just couldn’t afford fancy things. When they were teens they did various things to earn pocket money, such as snow shoveling, baby sitting, delivering newspapers and advertising circulars.

It wasn’t a breeze…there were heartaches as well as joys.

Those who went to college took out loans, and some got modest scholarships that helped. It was a learning experience! My husband had a decent car to get to work, and the second car I used was such that I thought it was normal to need two quarts of oil every time I drove up to the gas station. 🙂

Compared to the living circumstances of my Mom and her five sisters and one brother growing up in a very large apartment building in little Italy in Manhattan, we were living like kings and queens.

I have been a widow for quite some time, and my children are spread out all over the U.S. My youngest lives about five miles away. We have had several family reunions and laugh a lot about all the memories. We all keep in touch via phone, internet, and an occasional car or airplane trip.

God is always good.
 
I don’t have kids yet nor am married, but I can imagine how tough it would be to be in your situation.

I probably sound like a heretic but surely God works on a case by case basis?
 
First off, nothing in Catholic moral teaching requires you to have a lot of biological children, (which is what I suspect you mean about “big family” since you can’t control the number of brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. that you have.)

Secondly, not all married coupless can have a large family, even if they wanted to. You seem to be presuming upon your fertility. Before the widespread use of contraception and attempts to avoid pregnancy, the average family had about five children. (That’s not small but not huge either.)

Now, to answer your questions…there’s a difference between being “wanting” to commit a mortal sin and actually committing one. Be tempted isn’t a mortal sin. I suspect that what you want isn’t so much to use artificial contraceptives as much as you’d like to be able to engage in relations with your wife without worrying about pregnancy and all the rest of the things you mentioned above. You’re tempted to find an easier way than following Church teachings to control your family size.

Facing temptations are a normal part of our Christian walk. Temptation often presents us with something good, especially when dealing with a decent human being, as you appear to be. "I could volunteer more. " “I could be a better father and better worker.” You know how it goes. Sin does not present all its ugliness because we’d run screaming away if we saw it. Sin disguises itself as something good because it’s a distortion of something good that God created to be good. What’s wrong with artificial contraceptives is a long those lines. They distort something very good that God created. They distort the marital act, attempting to render it sterile. They change the act by their very nature by coming between you and your wife.

Right now, you seem to be letting lots of worries come between you and your wife, so that putting contraception between the two of you seems inviting. I suggest instead of putting something else between the two of you that instead you work on getting rid of the worries. You don’t have a large family, and children usually come along one, maybe two, at a time. Despite our ability to cooperate with God in creating children, we can’t make babies without Him. Stop worrying about what size your family might be in twelve years. Take things one day at a time. 🙂

–mom of eight, who has faced similar fears and temptations, (and who didn’t use NFP much because we didn’t like it either. )
 
awke said:
So now my question -

Why is it a mortal sin for me to want to use a non-abortifacient birth control to be able to have sex with my wife without conceiving any more children?

I just want to be able to remain close with my wife while keeping our family at our current size and to be a good father. We use NFP now, but without sharing specifics, I don’t think it’s going to be an effective method for us.
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Because the Catholic Church teaches that the marital act must always be open to life and unitive.

That is how God intended the marital act to be…period. He designed it to for married couples to become one and to have kids.

He didn’t design it to be sure that we have a child with each and every time we are intimate with our spouses.

Corrupting that act goes against God’s will and design for us.
Using condoms is not being open to life.

Why do you think NFP will not be effective…yet condoms will be?
They are the same thing…at the end of the day if used perfectly…unfortunately, no one wants to abstain…even though we are called to Chastity within marriage.

It’s hard…yes. But it is still a Mortal sin to use anything that will corrupt the marital act.

You don’t have to have a ton of kids…you just need to be open to life. NFP is information that can be used to avoid having children or try to achieve having children.

NFP doesn’t physically corrupt the marital act because all it’s only information.

Do you need to find a different method of NFP or are you just frustrated that there are not enough days that you can take advantage of?
 
gardenswithkids said:
First off, nothing in Catholic moral teaching requires you to have a lot of biological children, (which is what I suspect you mean about “big family” since you can’t control the number of brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. that you have.)
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Thanks for the response. Doesn’t the teachings on birth control say you can’t use any contraception and NFP is only to be used in “grave circumstances”? That sounds like it is indirectly say you have to have a lot of children, unless you truly have a “grave” reason.
 
Have you ever read anything by Simcha Fisher? She has some great pieces about family size, NFP, etc. Many of them have been collected into The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning. Here’s one touching on reasons for using NFP and how the same circumstances can mean different things to different people. You might want to check it out.

simchafisher.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/why-doesnt-the-church-just-make-a-list/

Edited because swype hates me
 
I’m only 23 and not married yet but I know I don’t want a large family. Max children would be 3 probably. I have a learning disability that could be passed down genetically and I don’t want my kids to have it. I could adopted though and I’m not against that.
 
I have a lot of sympathy with your thoughts (we have three kids 12, 10 and 2 and this may well be it for us), but I think some of what you say deserves some scrutiny.
awke said:
Financial Security -We gave 15% of our income to charity last year, live in a house well below our means, shop at garage sales for clothes, have cheap cars, don’t take expensive vacations, don’t have cable, do all of our own house projects, order off of the value menu, bike around town, etc. I try to save money to be able to pay for an unexpected medical/jobless expenses, help with kids education, give it away, etc. (It’s certainly not so I can live in luxury).

**You don’t need to give away 15% of your salary.

In fact, a lot of people would tell you you shouldn’t if it means that your children do without.
**
Possibly Selfish Reasons

My Career - I work in an industry where I need to do work at home to keep up my skills and remain competitive. Possibly selfish because this is my career, but ultimately I just want to keep a job to be able to provide for my family. I really don’t care about getting a raise.

**Eh, I think that’s probably not realistic if you want to keep your job.

Your salary reflects how much your company values you. If they don’t keep paying you more and more, it reflects the fact that they don’t value you. That’s not very safe or secure for you and your family.

I’m not telling you to work all the time or kill yourself moving up, but I don’t think stagnation is a plan either.
**

My Sanity - I love my kids with all my heart, but helping to raise them does take a big toll on my sanity. I want to do absolutely everything in my power to raise them right, but I just don’t know if I can do this again.

Your sanity is not a selfish reason.

Non-Selfish Reasons

My Wife’s Sanity - My wife is an awesome wife and awesome mother. But raising children takes a toll on her. When she watches the kids for the entire day on her own, about half of the time I come home to her in tears. I’d rather not discuss specifics here.

**That does not sound good at all.

That sounds like problem #1.
**

My Children’s Education - Our education system is horribly expensive, and our public school districts are awful here… I’m not talking about a Catholic college here, but even just helping to pay for a state school. If I have more kids, this more or less goes out the window: I would have a tough time paying for a private elementary school, and probably wouldn’t have any left over for college.

**I know a lot of people here will disagree, but that’s very reasonable.

Keeping kids out of college debt means that when they are forming their families, everything will be easier for them–they’ll be able to marry sooner, have kids sooner, have more kids, etc. So even from the kids uber alles point of view, it’s a good long-term move.**

**Volunteering **- I haven’t been good at volunteering, but ever since I’ve started reading about Pope Francis, I’ve felt inspired to start volunteering. It’s so hard to find the time to do it now, and it would only get worse with a big family.

**Eh, if volunteering refreshes you and makes you a better person, fantastic!

But at this season of your life, is it really such a good idea to do too much? Purely from a dollars and cents view, if you are a $30 an hour guy and you do $7 an hour work for your volunteering, maybe it makes more sense to work more and donate more instead?

I think you may be trying to do too much.

It also sounds like your wife needs you way more than your volunteering gig needs you.
**

**My Children **- I think I’m a good, at least decent, father. But I honestly don’t know if I would still be a good father if I had several more kids.

Nobody’s telling you to have “several more kids” all at once.

One at a time (barring twins) with lots of time for reflection is fine.

My Oldest - This is going to go against what a lot of people here will feel, but I don’t believe it is appropriate to rely on my oldest to help raising the younger kids. I don’t want to put her in that position.

**How old is your oldest?

I have a 12 and 10 year old that were two years younger when 2.5 year old baby sister was born. They’ve adored her from the beginning.

It’s a fine line to walk between asking too much and too little help, but my big kids genuinely love the toddler (even when she’s naughty and especially when she’s giving mommy a hard time). Even just asking them each to play with her for 15 minutes per day during holidays is helpful.

I don’t know that they would be equally thrilled if we added another toddler to the picture, but so far, so good.

I have a relative that has a 15 year old and an infant (just those two). The 15-year-old LOVES the baby.**

To be clear, I absolutely love my kids. And I love being a father. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m open to life in that if we got pregnant, I certainly wouldn’t seek an abortion and I would love my child with all my heart. But I honestly just don’t think I want any more children.

I don’t think you have to.

So now my question -

Why is it a mortal sin for me to want to use a non-abortifacient birth control to be able to have sex with my wife without conceiving any more children?

I just want to be able to remain close with my wife while keeping our family at our current size and to be a good father. We use NFP now, but without sharing specifics, I don’t think it’s going to be an effective method for us.
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I didn’t see that twist coming at the end–right up until the end I thought this was a “can I use NFP?” question. I’ll leave that for other people.
 
awke said:
My Oldest - This is going to go against what a lot of people here will feel, but I don’t believe it is appropriate to rely on my oldest to help raising the younger kids. I don’t want to put her in that position.

.
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I actually think this is a sign you are a good father. 100 years ago, when oldest daughters were forced to raise younger siblings they just saw that as motivation to run away and get married

I don’t see anything wrong with not wanting more kids, just as long as you have faith that God will take care of you regardless of what happens
 
Another thing–when big kids are at school all day and have a busy, active life of their own, they have a lot more tolerance for baby siblings.

My kids BEG to be able to wake their baby sister up in the morning. My oldest goes into the nursery in the morning and plays her instrument for the baby.

But, that said, I believe it’s easier to have a sense of humor about toddler and preschooler siblings when you have a room of your own and can close the door on them as desired.
 
Dorothy said:
Because I came from a large extended family, six aunts, uncles, and lots of cousins, I was not fearful of having a large family.

My husband and I had four girls and four boys. Money was tight and we had to accept that and cooperate. We were never hungry or cold, we just couldn’t afford fancy things. When they were teens they did various things to earn pocket money, such as snow shoveling, baby sitting, delivering newspapers and advertising circulars.

It wasn’t a breeze…there were heartaches as well as joys.

Those who went to college took out loans, and some got modest scholarships that helped. It was a learning experience! My husband had a decent car to get to work, and the second car I used was such that I thought it was normal to need two quarts of oil every time I drove up to the gas station. 🙂

Compared to the living circumstances of my Mom and her five sisters and one brother growing up in a very large apartment building in little Italy in Manhattan, we were living like kings and queens.

I have been a widow for quite some time, and my children are spread out all over the U.S. My youngest lives about five miles away. We have had several family reunions and laugh a lot about all the memories. We all keep in touch via phone, internet, and an occasional car or airplane trip.

God is always good.
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I think higher education is more expensive than it used to be.

The average American with college debt now graduates with around $28k in loans. And that’s presumably with at least some parent help and some work and a family with an average of 2 children, so the help that the parents can give is not split among 6+ kids.

If two graduates with that average debt marry, they have $56k in student loans. That’s a tough row to hoe, if they want to start a family. I have a friend that’s an SAHM of 2 kids. Her husband makes a good salary, but it’s tough paying $600 (?) a month in student loans. For a young family, $600 is huge.
 
awke said:
Thanks for the response. Doesn’t the teachings on birth control say you can’t use any contraception and NFP is only to be used in “grave circumstances”? That sounds like it is indirectly say you have to have a lot of children, unless you truly have a “grave” reason.
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You’re welcome. 🙂

The word used in those documents, (I believe is “gravis”) can be translated as “grave” but also “serious” or “just” or even simply “not light”. It doesn’t mean only life-or-death circumstances qualify, and there is nothing thus far produced by the Church that defines what constitutes all possible readons for using NFP. The Church leaves discerning those things up to the couple to prayerfully decide. Prayerful discernment does not mean everyone will have large families. Some couples may prayerfully decide some of the things you mentioned mean they should attempt to avoid pregancy. Their reason(s) may or maynot remain with the couple through the course of their fertility.

Again, you are presuming upon your fertility. Fertility is a gift from God, like children are a gift from Him. Pregnancies don’t always result in a live, full term baby. You fear a large family. Some experience miscarriage. Some struggle with infertility, including something called “secondary infertility”. I don’t mean to make light of your fears because I know they are real, but those fears are based off the presumption that your wife will repeatedly get pregnant and carry the baby full term. You are afraid that you are both healthy adults with healthy reproductive parts. Those body parts can fail. Your desire to use contraception is a way of wishing you and your wife didn’t have healthy reproductive parts. Careful what you wish for.

No, following Church teachings does not mean the Church is indirectly telling us to have a lot of children. The Church is telling us to pray and discern God’s will for our lives.
 
awke said:
Thanks for the response. Doesn’t the teachings on birth control say you can’t use any contraception and NFP is only to be used in “grave circumstances”? That sounds like it is indirectly say you have to have a lot of children, unless you truly have a “grave” reason.
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Do have a look at previous threads on this. “Grave” is apparently a bit of an over-translation, because to the English ear, it sounds like somebody needs to be dying. You also see “serious” reasons mentioned as a translation.

My husband and I have been married 17 years and I am almost 40 now. We do NFP. We have three (3.0) kids.
 
It does sound like some of what you are referencing above is resistance to walking a sacrificial path. And it sounds like many societal influences full of “should” has crept into your thinking. Many people these days think they are a bad parent unless they are giving their kids tons of material things. So, it would be a good idea to work with a spiritual director on that.

You don’t mention your wife’s desires anywhere here. Have the two of you talked about this?

And lastly, it is not necessary to plan the rest of your life today. Perhaps you need to space for a while, or indefinitely. But, you and your wife may in the future decide that it’s time for another child. You just need to be open to the future possibilities. How you feel today might not be how you feel tomorrow.
awke said:
Doesn’t the teachings on birth control say you can’t use any contraception and NFP is only to be used in “grave circumstances”?
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No.
 
Are you starting from the assumption that you should or must have a large family? If so, why is that your starting point?
 
1ke said:
… it is not necessary to plan the rest of your life today…
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Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.** Matt. 6:34**

Today’s work may include preparing for tomorrow, but it does not include making tomorrow’s decisions today. OP, avoid distracting yourself with anxiety over problems you do not even have yet and may never have at all. Instead, ask yourself what, if anything, you need to do about the question today. Commend the rest to God.
 
-]/-]
EasterJoy said:
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.** Matt. 6:34**

Today’s work may include preparing for tomorrow, but it does not include making tomorrow’s decisions today. OP, avoid distracting yourself with anxiety over problems you do not even have yet and may never have at all. Instead, ask yourself what, if anything, you need to do about the question today. Commend the rest to God.
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Amen! You don’t have tomorrow’s grace yet. 😛
 
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