Why is having a crush on someone else's wife a sin?

[mdleagedguy]

In fact, the Greatest Love didn’t involve hugs nor kisses. It involved a pray while in Agony in a Garden, Scourging at a pillar, a Crown of Thorns, Anguish in the way to the Calvary, four Nails, one Lance, and a Cross.

Beautifully said. :clapping:

Love is not desire. Love is something else entirely. In fact, one of the greatest expressions of love that we can do is to forgive another person.

 

[PolarGuy]

Agree with what Novus had to say above.

Another thought: Sin is insidious. When you “crush” on someone, with the expectation that you’ll never act on it, what do you do when find out that your married crush happens to be crushing on you? Maybe you’re tempted to do something simple like, say, offer her a ride home when she’s alone. Or something little - but little things add up, and – to quote Cy Curnin – “one thing leads to another.” Affairs need 2 to tango. Does that always happen? No. But maybe the next crush will. Or because you’re crushing on her, you miss the single woman standing next to her. As I said, things like this are insidious.

 

[Jelrak_TB]

I hope this post is not too off topic as it does not deal with a married person. I have been struggling quite a bit lately with feelings I have for a lady friend of mine. The situation is that she is seeking to discern a vocation to the religious life, however, nothing is certain. I have been helping her in doing this but at the same time I have come to desire her to the point of wanting to pursue a relationship when prudent. I feel strongly that she would be an exceptionally good wife and mother but it seems she is adamant about discerning another vocation for the time being.

For me, having known her and dialogued with her about vocations, she makes me feel like she wants to become a religious sister or nun because that is her lot in life or because she admires religious sisters she has come to know. It appears though that everything she does is ordered towards developing her abilities to be utilized in matrimony. I do want to support her in whatever path she chooses and be as objective as I can in the process.

I joined the Church in 2011 and for about three years I did everything I could to pursue a vocation to the priesthood and/or religious life. I attempted to join two religious orders and become a priest for my diocese even though I had always throughout my life desired marriage. The vocations directors and my local Bishop all said I had a vocation to matrimony. Part of me feels like my lady friend is like the female version of myself in how she is going about discerning her vocation but she won’t exactly listen to me when I speak on this. So I suppose that I will continue to struggle with my feelings for her until she commits to HER vocation.

I assume you have asked her out? If so and she has refused, I would recommend distancing yourself from this relationship…

 

[Dorothy]

I assume you have asked her out? If so and she has refused, I would recommend distancing yourself from this relationship…

Great advice!

 

[realtiger]

I honestly still don’t feel how it is immoral to have a crush on a married person as long as you are not acting out on it. I still obey this commandment because if I consider myself a true Christian I have to obey the commandments even if I don’t understand why it is a commandment in the first place. Still I honestly feel this is kind of a pointless commandment. I hope that maybe God will bless me more because I obey this commandment in spite of how I don’t see how it is harmful or immoral. Let’s say you have a crush on a celebrity who is married how could that be harmful if chances are you will never meet this person to begin with anyway? Also it is natural to have crushes on the opposite sex and if you hit a certain age you might find more women in your age group that are married. I just feel it is too repressive to try to get rid of natural feelings just because someone is married. Although it would be a different matter if you were deliberately trying to break up a marriage because you want a person, then that is where it becomes harmful and immoral. But like I said no matter how I don’t agree with how this is sinful I still obey this commandment. I just question why it is a commandment to begin with.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Well, obviously there is “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife.” It isn’t up to you to “see something wrong” with it. It is forbidden.

It isn’t a sin to be tempted, but it is a sin to harbor a desire for a woman who is already married to someone else. That made the Big Ten list. Spending time near a woman you covet is also a near occasion of sin, particularly if a legitimate courtship is impossible. Nothing good can happen.

You can covert your neighbors husband, just not his wife.

Nevermind, that probably wasn’t what Moses meant.

 

[EasterJoy]

I honestly still don’t feel how it is immoral to have a crush on a married person as long as you are not acting out on it. I still obey this commandment because if I consider myself a true Christian I have to obey the commandments even if I don’t understand why it is a commandment in the first place. Still I honestly feel this is kind of a pointless commandment. I hope that maybe God will bless me more because I obey this commandment in spite of how I don’t see how it is harmful or immoral. Let’s say you have a crush on a celebrity who is married how could that be harmful if chances are you will never meet this person to begin with anyway? Also it is natural to have crushes on the opposite sex and if you hit a certain age you might find more women in your age group that are married. I just feel it is too repressive to try to get rid of natural feelings just because someone is married. Although it would be a different matter if you were deliberately trying to break up a marriage because you want a person, then that is where it becomes harmful and immoral. But like I said no matter how I don’t agree with how this is sinful I still obey this commandment. I just question why it is a commandment to begin with.

What good does it do to covet something or someone you cannot make your own? Greed and lust are spiritually damaging. Even if you don’t act on them, they act on you. (Besides, infatuations in general tend to falsify the object of the infatuation.)

Yes, I would think it would be particularly pleasing to God when you are obedient not for any savor or satisfaction you directly find in following a particular divine law, but when you follow that law purely out of love and a desire to be obedient–that is, trusting in God’s wisdom over your own. It is like when you choose to remain faithful when you have no felt sense of God’s presence in your life.

 

[realtiger]

What good does it do to covet something or someone you cannot make your own? Greed and lust are spiritually damaging. Even if you don’t act on them, they act on you. (Besides, infatuations in general tend to falsify the object of the infatuation.)

Yes, I would think it would be particularly pleasing to God when you are obedient not for any savor or satisfaction you directly find in following a particular divine law, but when you follow that law purely out of love and a desire to be obedient–that is, trusting in God’s wisdom over your own. It is like when you choose to remain faithful when you have no felt sense of God’s presence in your life.

I think you could have a crush on a married person without being greedy or lustful. You could have a crush on a married person and still respect his or her marriage and be happy for their marriage and want what is best for their marriage. You could also have a crush on someone without necessarily turning that person into a complete sex object.

 

[PolarGuy]

Maybe you could, realtiger, but it’s unlikely. And it’s even more unlikely that if you could do as you post, it would not eventually lead you to other more active evils. What you’d be doing is basically playing with fire, morally, sexually, and emotionally.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you could have a crush on a married person without being greedy or lustful. You could have a crush on a married person and still respect his or her marriage and be happy for their marriage and want what is best for their marriage. You could also have a crush on someone without necessarily turning that person into a complete sex object.

Well, no, the objectification of infatuation doesn’t mean you make someone into a “complete sex object.” I didn’t mean to imply that. Actually, I mean that infatuations objectify because they project this unrealistic esteem onto someone, an esteem rooted in speculation. If some woman you barely know were to make you feel like she’s a goddess, most of the time the woman herself would tell you that she is no such thing. She’d say that someone infatuated with her was wrapping himself in some idea of her, rather than herself, because he is not actually that close to her. He’s filling in his lack of true intimacy with his imagination. That is a way of substituting the falsehood the infatuated person has for the truth he cannot know, just so that he’ll have “something.”
youtube.com/watch?v=df9kvqsrqeY

Maybe you need to clarify what you mean by a “crush.” There are people in this world who have the highest esteem of everyone who knows them. They say, “Oh, everyone just *loves *her.” As you imply, everyone does not covet a person like that. Maybe some do, but as for everyone else, well, to know her is to love her. She’s just a splendid person, people light up when they see her coming, people feel better when they’ve had a chance to spend time with her. Well, of course you cannot help but look forward to seeing someone like that and of course you would be pleased to find you’ll be spending time with her. Everyone does, unless they find themselves some sour grapes to bring the person down in their estimation. Yes, it is better to esteem her as she is and to wish her and her husband well than to be one of those people who whip up a resentment so they don’t.

If you’re closer to the latter case, guard yourself by spending time around her when her husband is also there. If she were to ever reciprocate your high esteem–not an unlikely thing, when we know someone totally approves of us–then the two of you would find yourself in a near occasion of very serious sin if you are alone together. Fine people have fallen into adultery in just this way and just devastated the trusting spouse. Tragic. Don’t even chance that happening to you.

 

[Jelrak_TB]

I honestly still don’t feel how it is immoral to have a crush on a married person as long as you are not acting out on it. I still obey this commandment because if I consider myself a true Christian I have to obey the commandments even if I don’t understand why it is a commandment in the first place. Still I honestly feel this is kind of a pointless commandment. I hope that maybe God will bless me more because I obey this commandment in spite of how I don’t see how it is harmful or immoral. Let’s say you have a crush on a celebrity who is married how could that be harmful if chances are you will never meet this person to begin with anyway? Also it is natural to have crushes on the opposite sex and if you hit a certain age you might find more women in your age group that are married. I just feel it is too repressive to try to get rid of natural feelings just because someone is married. Although it would be a different matter if you were deliberately trying to break up a marriage because you want a person, then that is where it becomes harmful and immoral. But like I said no matter how I don’t agree with how this is sinful I still obey this commandment. I just question why it is a commandment to begin with.

Kindly imagine that you are married to a charming, warm-hearted, and generally attractive woman. Now imagine that your best friend has a crush on her. Is he as welcome in your home as before? If so, is he as welcome in your home when you are not around? If not, why not?

Considering this fairly, you should be approaching your answer right about now…

 

[PolarGuy]

Another reason these crushes are bad: They are *at best *a complete waste of time. Why waste your God-given time pining for someone you can’t have? Look, we all have moments of weakness in terms of what we think about, but endless pining for a married crush starts to look Loser-ish IMHO really quickly.

 

[realtiger]

Well, no, the objectification of infatuation doesn’t mean you make someone into a “complete sex object.” I didn’t mean to imply that. Actually, I mean that infatuations objectify because they project this unrealistic esteem onto someone, an esteem rooted in speculation. If some woman you barely know were to make you feel like she’s a goddess, most of the time the woman herself would tell you that she is no such thing. She’d say that someone infatuated with her was wrapping himself in some idea of her, rather than herself, because he is not actually that close to her. He’s filling in his lack of true intimacy with his imagination. That is a way of substituting the falsehood the infatuated person has for the truth he cannot know, just so that he’ll have “something.”
youtube.com/watch?v=df9kvqsrqeY

Maybe you need to clarify what you mean by a “crush.” There are people in this world who have the highest esteem of everyone who knows them. They say, “Oh, everyone just *loves *her.” As you imply, everyone does not covet a person like that. Maybe some do, but as for everyone else, well, to know her is to love her. She’s just a splendid person, people light up when they see her coming, people feel better when they’ve had a chance to spend time with her. Well, of course you cannot help but look forward to seeing someone like that and of course you would be pleased to find you’ll be spending time with her. Everyone does, unless they find themselves some sour grapes to bring the person down in their estimation. Yes, it is better to esteem her as she is and to wish her and her husband well than to be one of those people who whip up a resentment so they don’t.

If you’re closer to the latter case, guard yourself by spending time around her when her husband is also there. If she were to ever reciprocate your high esteem–not an unlikely thing, when we know someone totally approves of us–then the two of you would find yourself in a near occasion of very serious sin if you are alone together. Fine people have fallen into adultery in just this way and just devastated the trusting spouse. Tragic. Don’t even chance that happening to you.

Oh ok. It is just you said greed and lust are spiritually damaging which is why I said you could have a crush on someone without being lustful.

 

[realtiger]

Kindly imagine that you are married to a charming, warm-hearted, and generally attractive woman. Now imagine that your best friend has a crush on her. Is he as welcome in your home as before? If so, is he as welcome in your home when you are not around? If not, why not?

Considering this fairly, you should be approaching your answer right about now…

If someone just had a crush on my hypothetical wife I would not have a problem. Crushes are natural. I would perhaps feel sorry for him if he has difficulty finding a woman and perhaps that crush is what gets him going and maybe the closest thing to having a female friendship would be my wife. Some people have poor social lives or skills, like those with Aspergers, so some people might not have much luck with women and their biggest excitement with a woman might be with a woman he knows through a friend or a female friend. But if he even thinks of snatching my hypothetical wife and making her his own then that becomes a problem.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If someone just had a crush on my hypothetical wife I would not have a problem. Crushes are natural. I would perhaps feel sorry for him if he has difficulty finding a woman and perhaps that crush is what gets him going and maybe the closest thing to having a female friendship would be my wife. Some people have poor social lives or skills, like those with Aspergers, so some people might not have much luck with women and their biggest excitement with a woman might be with a woman he knows through a friend or a female friend. But if he even thinks of snatching my hypothetical wife and making her his own then that becomes a problem.

Historically there has been a lot of murder and divorce because of something you think of as “natural” and no big deal…

 

[ToeInTheWater]

If someone just had a crush on my hypothetical wife I would not have a problem. Crushes are natural. I would perhaps feel sorry for him if he has difficulty finding a woman and perhaps that crush is what gets him going and maybe the closest thing to having a female friendship would be my wife. Some people have poor social lives or skills, like those with Aspergers, so some people might not have much luck with women and their biggest excitement with a woman might be with a woman he knows through a friend or a female friend. But if he even thinks of snatching my hypothetical wife and making her his own then that becomes a problem.

I think the issue here is that you seem to think there is a wide mile long-chasm between a man who just has a crush, and one who “even thinks of snatching my hypothetical wife and making her his own”.

Based on my own experiences, including my own “just a crush” on another woman’s husband, the gap is, for most people, NOT a mile long chasm, but a little gap, maybe a foot or two, easy to hop over.

Crushes may be “natural”, attraction in general is natural. But deliberately feeding the crush requires an act of will, either by fantasizing about the crush, or arranging your life to spend as much time with the crush as possible. That is where the sin comes in.

Humans are not animals who operate merely on instinct. An animal acting on impulses to mate, and fighting over mates, is not sinning. Even a male lion who kills his rival’s cubs after taking over a pride, as this will, through various hormonal mechanisms, induce the females to mate with him instead, is not sinning. But a human male who killed the children his new GF had with her ex, certainly would be.

 

[Jelrak_TB]

If someone just had a crush on my hypothetical wife I would not have a problem. Crushes are natural. I would perhaps feel sorry for him if he has difficulty finding a woman and perhaps that crush is what gets him going and maybe the closest thing to having a female friendship would be my wife. Some people have poor social lives or skills, like those with Aspergers, so some people might not have much luck with women and their biggest excitement with a woman might be with a woman he knows through a friend or a female friend. But if he even thinks of snatching my hypothetical wife and making her his own then that becomes a problem.

You answered only the first part of the question…the question was whether you would still feel comfortable having him over at your home…(eg. would you change the seating arrangements so that he was not next to your wife while the three of you sat on the sofa?)

Further, would you be as comfortable allowing him to come over when you were not home…?

 

[Vanny]

First of all, I have had in my life when I was younger crushes on someone I shouldn’t have, myself. Fortunately I never acted on them but I know how you are feeling. But YES, as the others pointed out above, it IS a sin, one that warranted a commandment(Do not covet your neighbors wife(husband) house, cattle(cars!) ect.!
Looking at your original post, I see you seem to feel hopeless about finding someone of your own.
As other posters have said, maybe you can’t help those feeling but you can re-direct them.
Join or teach a Bible class. Help the poor. Take a trip to Haiti. Take a night college course.
Join a gym or exercise class and work out. Join a Book club. Take up a sport or Hobby
Do something to better yourself and you might meet a good woman.
You don’t say how old you are, but there must be activities you can enlist in to get your mind off this crush.
And you need to find reasons not to hang around this friend(even though he might be a good friend) as much. Out of sight, out of mind so to speak. At least until the crush passes.
And maybe you should talk to your priest or pastor.
You need to enlarge your social circle, and you likely will forget about this woman.

As several have said here: it is a waste of time. And besides, let’s say you could somehow have her- do you REALLY want someone who would cheat on or leave her husband? You know that the next time it would be you she’s cheating on or leaving.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh ok. It is just you said greed and lust are spiritually damaging which is why I said you could have a crush on someone without being lustful.

Unreality in relationships is spiritually damaging, and most people consider the word “crush” to denote a relationship that has at least some aspect of unreality in it. When you’ve been married for 60 years, for example, you can be more in love than the day you met, but the “crush” that was there when you started seeing each other has been replaced by reality. When the “crush” attraction isn’t replaced with reality, the relationship is almost sure to fail or be stillborn, even if when the relationship is a platonic friendship or an acquaintance. A person in the unreality of a crush is particularly vulnerable to the “glamour of sin,” which is to say the unreality that rationalizes that a violation of moral law is really OK, because the person committing the violation is in an “exceptional” situation. That “exceptionalism” is imaginary.

 

[realtiger]

First of all, I have had in my life when I was younger crushes on someone I shouldn’t have, myself. Fortunately I never acted on them but I know how you are feeling. But YES, as the others pointed out above, it IS a sin, one that warranted a commandment(Do not covet your neighbors wife(husband) house, cattle(cars!) ect.!
Looking at your original post, I see you seem to feel hopeless about finding someone of your own.
As other posters have said, maybe you can’t help those feeling but you can re-direct them.
Join or teach a Bible class. Help the poor. Take a trip to Haiti. Take a night college course.
Join a gym or exercise class and work out. Join a Book club. Take up a sport or Hobby
Do something to better yourself and you might meet a good woman.
You don’t say how old you are, but there must be activities you can enlist in to get your mind off this crush.
And you need to find reasons not to hang around this friend(even though he might be a good friend) as much. Out of sight, out of mind so to speak. At least until the crush passes.
And maybe you should talk to your priest or pastor.
You need to enlarge your social circle, and you likely will forget about this woman.

As several have said here: it is a waste of time. And besides, let’s say you could somehow have her- do you REALLY want someone who would cheat on or leave her husband? You know that the next time it would be you she’s cheating on or leaving.

I don’t have a crush on a married woman. I never said I did. I was just questioning why it is a sin.