Why is it so hard for people to come back to the Church - some ideas

[DL82]

I have encountered this with my own family and with people I met while doing apostolic work for the Legion of Mary - people who stop going to Mass for whatever reason, then it just gets harder and harder to go back.

It seems like some people, for whatever reason, miss Mass (either carelessly, or because they can’t face being close to God), then they think ‘oh, now I’ll have to go to Confession, and the priest will read me the riot act, and everyone will judge me. I’ll not go back just yet, until I’ve got myself ready to face that’, and so a few weeks go by, then it gets easier to stay in bed and sleep in Sundays. Then a few years go by, and nobody contacts them or asks why they’re not at Mass, so they think they are not missed, or that the people they knew have moved on. Then after all those years they either don’t feel they belong in the Church at all any more, or worry how they could possibly make a good Confession, or think everyone will judge them (and often, they’re right about this last thing).

Some people just find it so hard to come back. I think some people remember the old-school Irish Catholicism of their grandparents, who wouldn’t miss Mass for anything, wouldn’t even go to another parish in case someone thought they had been absent, and they imagine the Church will judge them that way if they come back after a period away.

In the Protestant tradition I was brought up in, lots of people didn’t go to church for years, or only at Christmas and Easter, then came back in their 50’s, and nobody batted an eyelid. Even now, I could walk into my old Presbyterian or Episcopalian church and say ‘I used to come here, but then I became Catholic for a while’, and people would more or less just say, ‘no matter, you’re back now’ and it would be as if nothing had ever happened.

Part of the reason for this, of course, is that some liberal Protestant denominations have lost a sense of sin, and have replaced a Christian understanding of forgiveness with a psychologistic idea of acceptance. Nonetheless, Our Lord, in His ministry and in His Passion, offered both acceptance AND forgiveness. He went to eat with Zaccheus BEFORE he had repented and promised to pay back whatever he had taken, He let the prostitute approach and sit with Him BEFORE she had washed His feet with her tears, and He died for us, WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS. While you can criticise those liberal Protestant denominations for ignoring the forgiveness narrative, it’s equally problematic to ignore the acceptance one.

I know some people on this board will take issue with what I’m saying here, but I find a lot of judgment and harshness from Catholics here, and I think that is what so many lost sheep of the Church fear about coming back. How can we learn to be a Church that both accepts AND forgives, each at the right time and in the right way?

 

[Anathama_Sit]

I know some people on this board will take issue with what I’m saying here, but I find a lot of judgment and harshness from Catholics here, and I think that is what so many lost sheep of the Church fear about coming back. How can we learn to be a Church that both accepts AND forgives, each at the right time and in the right way?

Greetings DL82,

This was a very well-thought out post. Thanks for sharing.

Perhaps a great many people do not come back because of pride. Pride seems to be the root of everything. Fear is a companion of pride and I believe that fear feeds into pride.

You raised a very good question in the last paragraph.

Perhaps to become a Church that both accepts AND forgives we need to remember that we all have sinned and have fallend short of God’s standard and that we are to treat everyone with the love that God shows us each time we go to Confession. We probably should not condone what reasons the people use in not coming back to the Church, but we should accept them back as Christ accepts us back after Confession.

God Bless.
Anathama Sit

 

[asia53]

Greetings DL82,

Perhaps a great many people do not come back because of pride. Pride seems to be the root of everything. Fear is a companion of pride and I believe that fear feeds into pride.

Once again, a thought provoking post, Anathama Sit.

I’d like to add—anger. Some people are so angry at our beloved church, bishops, cardinals, and even, the Holy Father. Some of the reasons for the anger are illogical excuses to justify their anger.

For example: My friend quit the church, because our archbishop told us which candidate to vote for in an upcoming election. What the archbishop said: Make up your own minds, however, if the candidate supports ideas contrary to our church—your choice should be simple. She was so angry at the archbishop for what she thought he said, she quit being catholic.

 

[Anathama_Sit]

Once again, a thought provoking post, Anathama Sit.

I’d like to add—anger. Some people are so angry at our beloved church, bishops, cardinals, and even, the Holy Father. Some of the reasons for the anger are illogical excuses to justify their anger.

For example: My friend quit the church, because our archbishop told us which candidate to vote for in an upcoming election. What the archbishop said: Make up your own minds, however, if the candidate supports ideas contrary to our church—your choice should be simple. She was so angry at the archbishop for what she thought he said, she quit being catholic.

Greetings Asia53,

I had forgotten anger in my post. A most excellent suggestion to be adding for sure.

Don’t you think it is interesting that the Desert Fathers did not even teach on Righteous Anger as well?

Anger is a self-affliction. It is sad to see what anger has done in others lives as well as my own when I consent to it. Anger separates us from that which is good.

God Bless.
Anathama Sit

 

[mark_a]

I have encountered this with my own family and with people I met while doing apostolic work for the Legion of Mary - people who stop going to Mass for whatever reason, then it just gets harder and harder to go back.

It seems like some people, for whatever reason, miss Mass (either carelessly, or because they can’t face being close to God), then they think ‘oh, now I’ll have to go to Confession, and the priest will read me the riot act, and everyone will judge me. I’ll not go back just yet, until I’ve got myself ready to face that’, and so a few weeks go by, then it gets easier to stay in bed and sleep in Sundays. Then a few years go by, and nobody contacts them or asks why they’re not at Mass, so they think they are not missed, or that the people they knew have moved on. Then after all those years they either don’t feel they belong in the Church at all any more, or worry how they could possibly make a good Confession, or think everyone will judge them (and often, they’re right about this last thing).

Some people just find it so hard to come back. I think some people remember the old-school Irish Catholicism of their grandparents, who wouldn’t miss Mass for anything, wouldn’t even go to another parish in case someone thought they had been absent, and they imagine the Church will judge them that way if they come back after a period away.

In the Protestant tradition I was brought up in, lots of people didn’t go to church for years, or only at Christmas and Easter, then came back in their 50’s, and nobody batted an eyelid. Even now, I could walk into my old Presbyterian or Episcopalian church and say ‘I used to come here, but then I became Catholic for a while’, and people would more or less just say, ‘no matter, you’re back now’ and it would be as if nothing had ever happened.

Part of the reason for this, of course, is that some liberal Protestant denominations have lost a sense of sin, and have replaced a Christian understanding of forgiveness with a psychologistic idea of acceptance. Nonetheless, Our Lord, in His ministry and in His Passion, offered both acceptance AND forgiveness. He went to eat with Zaccheus BEFORE he had repented and promised to pay back whatever he had taken, He let the prostitute approach and sit with Him BEFORE she had washed His feet with her tears, and He died for us, WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS. While you can criticise those liberal Protestant denominations for ignoring the forgiveness narrative, it’s equally problematic to ignore the acceptance one.

I know some people on this board will take issue with what I’m saying here, but I find a lot of judgment and harshness from Catholics here, and I think that is what so many lost sheep of the Church fear about coming back. How can we learn to be a Church that both accepts AND forgives, each at the right time and in the right way?

You make interesting and valid points, but nearly all of the people I know who have left the Church did so because of:
-divorce (their own or a child’s)
-other moral issues especially abortion and contraception.
-fear of confessing any of the above.

 

[FreeSpirit1]

Seems to me that people slack off church because they prefer to make up their own moral rules of life, be independant thinkers. They prefer their own comfort than having to submit to evangelical traits like poverty or at least modesty (in consuming material things) (i.e. moral laziness).
These may not be all the answers, but part of it.

When I was a teen, I refused to go with my parents to Sunday mass. Back then, most people went to Sunday Mass. As a young adult, I went back to church through the charismatics. Now I’ve grown in the church to be a quiet ‘traditionalist’ Catholic, in a part of the world where 5% of the population goes to Church every Sunday.

 

[CountrySinger]

Seems to me that people slack off church because they prefer to make up their own moral rules of life, be independant thinkers. They prefer their own comfort than having to submit to evangelical traits like poverty or at least modesty (in consuming material things) (i.e. moral laziness).
These may not be all the answers, but part of it.

Whether or not that may be so, telling people this to their face is one of the biggest reasons people don’t feel they can come back, that was my whole point

 

[Tantum_ergo]

Whether or not that may be so, telling people this to their face is one of the biggest reasons people don’t feel they can come back, that was my whole point

You raise a good point.

Of course as Ezechiel tells us, we are responsible for our brothers and sisters. God tells us, “If a person does evil, and you don’t tell them they are doing wrong, they will die for their sin, but I will hold you culpable. However, if a person does evil, you tell them, and they continue on, they will die for their sin, but you will not be held responsible”.

So a lot of us as Catholics are walking the fine --the VERY fine–line between sincere desire to help a person in danger of eternal damnation through mortal sins --without being seen as ‘judgmental’, or without ‘upsetting’ the person so that he continues the behavior through sheer cussedness. Because if we remain silent we are risking our own salvation as well as our brothers’ and sisters’ salvation. We may (in THIS world) look like wonderful, tolerant, FRIENDS who are not mean, judgmental, and hateful if we keep our mouths shut and don’t proclaim God’s truth. . .but in the world to come Christ will ask us, “Why did you not try to help your brother and sister turn away from this sin so he or she would be saved?”. . .

I’d rather face the world’s derision and even the anger of friends and family if by doing so there was a CHANCE that sin would cease and a person would be saved for eternity–than be quiet and have NO chance that that sin would cease and the person be saved, even though come out looking (to the world) like the bad guy.

 

[Warrior1979]

You make interesting and valid points, but nearly all of the people I know who have left the Church did so because of:
-divorce (their own or a child’s)
-other moral issues especially abortion and contraception.
-fear of confessing any of the above.

I’m not so sure I agree with the last one, but the first two are very prominent.

I would add marriage issues in general; one doesn’t have to be divorced for an issue to arise. As an example, a couple we know cohabitated for about 10 years (way before we knew them). She finally got pregnant, and they decided to go ahead and get married in the Church. The priest gave them a hard time about this, because of the cohabitation and pregnancy, so they finally gave up and got a civil marriage. The result: They avoid the Church like the plague, and there children are not being raised as Catholics.

The divorce situation is very problematic. The reason is that innocent spouses get harmed in the process. It makes no sense to most people that a spouse can cheat, leave a marriage, get remarried, and even blaspheme the Church, and the innocent spouse must remain celibate and possibly childless for the rest of their life. So many of these people just leave the Church. “Correcting” the situation takes lots of time and effort, and most of these innocent people simply don’t bother.

 

[DL82]

Whether or not that may be so, telling people this to their face is one of the biggest reasons people don’t feel they can come back, that was my whole point

My apologies, this was actually me, accidentally signed in on my wife’s computer.

 

[Cat]

I agree with several other posters that the reason Catholics avoid the Mass is because they are involved in some sin that they can’t see themselves giving up, or that they don’t even consider a sin. E.g., co-habitation, fornication, contraception, etc.

As for how to help them come back–I think that it’s good for a parish to regularly and consistently offer some kind of class like “Catholics Coming Home,” which is what our parish does. This gives Mass-shy Catholics an “in”, kind of a “back door” through which they can re-enter the Church. It also gives them contacts with others who left the Church for various reasons and came back–these people understand exactly what the absentee is struggling with, and are better able to minister to them than someone who has been faithfully attending Mass since birth.

 

[mark_a]

I would add marriage issues in general; one doesn’t have to be divorced for an issue to arise.

I agree. I should have been more precise.

 

[Anathama_Sit]

Whether or not that may be so, telling people this to their face is one of the biggest reasons people don’t feel they can come back, that was my whole point

My apologies, this was actually me, accidentally signed in on my wife’s computer.

Greetings DL82,

I was wondering about that. I was a bit confused in this thread. Thanks for clearing that up.

God Bless.
Anathama Sit

 

[FreeSpirit1]

You raise a good point.

Of course as Ezechiel tells us, we are responsible for our brothers and sisters. God tells us, “If a person does evil, and you don’t tell them they are doing wrong, they will die for their sin, but I will hold you culpable. However, if a person does evil, you tell them, and they continue on, they will die for their sin, but you will not be held responsible”.

So a lot of us as Catholics are walking the fine --the VERY fine–line between sincere desire to help a person in danger of eternal damnation through mortal sins --without being seen as ‘judgmental’, or without ‘upsetting’ the person so that he continues the behavior through sheer cussedness. Because if we remain silent we are risking our own salvation as well as our brothers’ and sisters’ salvation.

The stakes are quite high: our own salvation!

We may (in THIS world) look like wonderful, tolerant, FRIENDS who are not mean, judgmental, and hateful if we keep our mouths shut and don’t proclaim God’s truth. . .but in the world to come Christ will ask us, “Why did you not try to help your brother and sister turn away from this sin so he or she would be saved?”. …

I believe that all that is required on our part, by reading Ezechiel, is to tell them what is required by God. Only tell, point out. If they don’t accept it, that’s up to them. I have done my part: I told them, and I will be saved. What else matters?

I’d rather face the world’s derision and even the anger of friends and family if by doing so there was a CHANCE that sin would cease and a person would be saved for eternity–than be quiet and have NO chance that that sin would cease and the person be saved, even though come out looking (to the world) like the bad guy.

It may not be necessary to psych ourselves for putting up with the “world’s derision and anger”. It is most helpful to love and pray for the world. Pray God’s mercy for them. If they fell you love them when you tell them, they might not push you away so fast. Just a thought.

 

[Hopemercy]

You raise a good point.

Of course as Ezechiel tells us, we are responsible for our brothers and sisters. God tells us, “If a person does evil, and you don’t tell them they are doing wrong, they will die for their sin, but I will hold you culpable. However, if a person does evil, you tell them, and they continue on, they will die for their sin, but you will not be held responsible”.

So a lot of us as Catholics are walking the fine --the VERY fine–line between sincere desire to help a person in danger of eternal damnation through mortal sins --without being seen as ‘judgmental’, or without ‘upsetting’ the person so that he continues the behavior through sheer cussedness. Because if we remain silent we are risking our own salvation as well as our brothers’ and sisters’ salvation. We may (in THIS world) look like wonderful, tolerant, FRIENDS who are not mean, judgmental, and hateful if we keep our mouths shut and don’t proclaim God’s truth. . .but in the world to come Christ will ask us, “Why did you not try to help your brother and sister turn away from this sin so he or she would be saved?”. . .

I’d rather face the world’s derision and even the anger of friends and family if by doing so there was a CHANCE that sin would cease and a person would be saved for eternity–than be quiet and have NO chance that that sin would cease and the person be saved, even though come out looking (to the world) like the bad guy.

Intrigued by the Ezekiel quotation as you have used it here’ what parallels in the words of Jesus WHo is the New Covenant, please?

 

[KS_Housewife]

People don’t come back so readily if they are single because the Catholic Church is a very lonely place to be if you are a single adult. Especially if you live nowhere near your home parish, where you’d likely to be related to someone else. In my 30s I wanted to come back but I was single and childless, sitting in churches with lots of families and relations and which were highly focused on a robust parish school (a side situation for parishoners of kids in public schools, remedied only years later with formal and well funded RCIA programs.) The tables in the parish hall were filled up with families, and it was just so daunting to sit at one.

Folks stay away also because Catholics are generally not very good at welcoming and incorporating new members. I returned a couple of years ago and my current parish is such a blessed exception! However, because of the strong family and school ties at many parishes, people don’t feel a need to meet and befriend newcomers, absent parish leadership’s deternination to incorporate new members, and which is committed to aggressively welcome and seek their involvement in parish life. The Protestants make a point to be enthusiastically glad you’ve joined them. When I joined my first Episcopal parish years ago, the new member was announced, the pastor encouraged others to get to know me at coffee hour, and by the time I’d left I was informed I would be in a lady’s circle and had been introduced to several smiling parishoners, and not a limp-fish handshake in the bunch, and had phone numbers of the ladies to call. Catholics could make it a lot less difficult to come back just by showing their happy you’re there.

 

[PJM]

I have encountered this with my own family and with people I met while doing apostolic work for the Legion of Mary - people who stop going to Mass for whatever reason, then it just gets harder and harder to go back.

I*** suspect that there may be as many reasons as there are people. I assume [at risk] that each has there own reason; or reasons. [More likely.]

In every case satan is pleased and God in justifiably angry.

Obstinacy, ignorance, sloth, pride, all pray there part. There are any number of excuses; BUT not ONE valid reason for anyone to deny God; which is exactly what leaving His ONLY Faith; Only Church; today’s Catholic Church is. See Eph. 4:1-7;* it was written precisely to and about Catholics as there were no other Christian Faiths when it was recorded".

Many these day’s want to build god in there image of God; rather than allowing God to form them into an image of Himself. Pride is a powerful weapon used commonly by satan.

Sadly many have left NOT really understanding what it is: WHO IT REALLY IS; that they left behind due to poor catechesis and deemphasized piety and teaching of the Real Presence. But these too are in error and at grave risk! God will judge based on what He makes available to us to know; not what we accept.**

That is why oir prayers, and living our Faith publically is an essental part of our ministeries.

God Bless,
Pat

 

[iamamiracle]

I left the church at the age of 18 – I went of to a Catholic university and promptly fell in with a large crowd of drinkers. My whole dorm life consisted of one drinking party after another. As a result of this all to frequent use of alcohol I became an active alcoholic. Having been raised Catholic I had enough sense to know what I was doing was wrong but not enough strength to quit drinking so I quit the Church thinking I would avoid the guilt associated with my behavior. WRONG! When I finally realized I was an alcoholic and started attending AA meetings I realized I needed God more than ever but my twisted thinking kept me from going back to the Church. After 15 years of church-shopping and getting into a common law marriage I realized I honestly wanted to go back to the real Church. I went to a priest who was very welcoming-- he even agreed to help me get my marriage validated in the Church but my husband would have no part of it because he felt I was returning to the Church for all the wrong reasons. Even after my initial confession I felt so unworthy of being a participant in Church activities. After a year my husband realized that my returning to the Church was a ture faith decision and for our 10th wedding anniversary he went with me to the priest and did his part to help get our marriage validated by the Church. A few years later we built a home in another city and I started attending a church that had a program called Landings – a program designed to help people return to the Catholic Church. I went through the program and have never regretted a moment of it. I found that there are lots of loving Catholics who have gone through the same things or very similar things as I have with regards to the Church and that I do fell loved and welcomed by my Catholic brothers and sisters. I still have to face some issues that some may view as wrong but I have received the grace of God in such a way that I look at these issues as the consequences of wrong choices I made in my past and though I am forgiven and have maintained a very long period of sobriety I must accept the consequences of my decisions. I have switched parishes once in the last 18 years and this parish is the most loving and accepting parish I have ever had the honor to be a part of. The priests are wonderful about helping me see my part in my sins and in pointing me to the right path. The parishioners are all supportive, loving people. I can’t recommend enough the program of Landings for those people who want to return to the Church.

 

[Jen929]

People don’t come back so readily if they are single because the Catholic Church is a very lonely place to be if you are a single adult. Especially if you live nowhere near your home parish, where you’d likely to be related to someone else. In my 30s I wanted to come back but I was single and childless, sitting in churches with lots of families and relations and which were highly focused on a robust parish school (a side situation for parishoners of kids in public schools, remedied only years later with formal and well funded RCIA programs.) The tables in the parish hall were filled up with families, and it was just so daunting to sit at one.

Amen to this! Also for those of us married without children yet. Seems like no young people go to church, unless they have kids of CCD age. And in my experience with various parishes in two different rites, there’s not much in terms of socialization.

 

[chipeto]

People don’t come back so readily if they are single because the Catholic Church is a very lonely place to be if you are a single adult.

In my 30s I wanted to come back but I was single and childless, sitting in churches with lots of families and relations and which were highly focused on a robust parish school

Folks stay away also because Catholics are generally not very good at welcoming and incorporating new members.

However, because of the strong family and school ties at many parishes, people don’t feel a need to meet and befriend newcomers, absent parish leadership’s deternination to incorporate new members, and which is committed to aggressively welcome and seek their involvement in parish life. The Protestants make a point to be enthusiastically glad you’ve joined them.

I am a convert, so don’t really have a horse in this race, but this is a problem for me as well. I come from a Evangelical background, and if I were joining such a church, there would be any number of people eager to welcome and involve me in small groups, mens groups, and so forth.

Nevertheless, I know that the Catholic Church is the only place for me, lonely or not.