I’ve been looking up relationship and dating advice web pages and self help articles for quite a while now online, and something that irks me when I read every single one of these is:
Why is it that nearly all relationship advice about dealing with a bad partner always places the victimhood notfar
from my intentions, there seems to be little to no advice on how to properly be suited* for* a romantic relationship in the first place. Where is the advice for those of us who
are the jealous one, or the obtrusive, or the controlling, or the abusive, or the needy, or what have you? In my experience just one or two of those is enough to make you completely defunct in the realm of serious dating as a whole.
The whole thing seems flat out uncompromising when such characters are endlessly demonized, despite the fact that these issues arise from deeper, often out of reach psychological depths, while the others would be portrayed as saint-like martyrs and victims! After several failed relationships,* I get it!* Believe me, I’m sorry and I wish I was different, now where is the support and guidance for
me? How else am I supposed to change? Feeling bad *isn’t always *enough!
Well. Chances are that before that break-up happens both parties are already thoroughly dissatisfied with other’s respective performance, and they experience a lot of burnout. That alters their behaviour. The “control freak” accusation is just one side of the story. The other side may be that the other party tends to be a runaway bride or compulsive flirt or liar, or something along those lines. Likely, both parties may be somewhat emotionally damaged, at least slightly dysfunctional people of the Web 2.0 generation.
The above is especially true when it’s the man who’s “controlling”. There is a full-blown hysteria about that, telling women that they should avoid the least semblance of “controlling” behaviour in a man, while also encouraging them to 1) control the equilibrium of the relationship actually by making it one-sided, and 2) strop controlling themselves, actually, in favour of satisfying all those “needs”.
If business counsellors advised their clients to do the same, we’d be decrying that madness. If we compare romantic relationship to business relationships – where in both cases there’s supposedly freedom to contract, equal rights etc. on both sides – it’s like a tiny vendor dealing with a corporation. Forget negotiating contracts, you get to sign their general terms and conditions a good deal of which would stand a good chance of being non-enforced by a court of law for unconscionability. If you don’t, you won’t get any contracts. You indemnify them and hold harmless against every single imaginable thing, pay penalties for whatever you do wrong in their judgement, but they can do whatever they want without much accountability. I’m overpainting the picture somewhat, but this is to give an illustration of the nonsense.
Just like in business, when two parties start some kind of partnership, both are in control. This means neither of them can be completely in control of their joint affairs, but also of one’s own affairs that were separate before the relationship started. It’s the same in romantic relationships: if you start taking promises, you also start making them. You give up control. In business it would be called madness to require one party to give up all control. In romantic relationships, that is what a man is currently seen as needing to do. Totally subject himself to the woman’s whims and fancies, not even decisions or judgement calls.
Both men and women deserve better. Women can be exactly as reasonable as men, and it does them harm to condition them to act like that and be spoiled. We don’t gain freedom by rejecting boundaries, rules or the need to get one’s act together and treat others right.
The hysteria must stop. I’ve even seen a Catholic chastity speaker effectively suggesting that a man’s controlling for complaining about a woman’s excess of cleavage; he’s supposed to shut up and affirm, apparently, whatever she elects to do. What next? Walk around on eggshells lest she notice any sign of dissatisfaction on his part? Enough of that already.
Relationships entail:
- Being faithful. This means no following on those fantasies, “needs”, “whatever”.
- It also means no oggling or flirting. It’s bad for both parties of a relationship, not just one.
- And no fishing for looks or other sexualised form of appreciation from other people, either (even if we call it “seeking confirmation of one’s attractiveness”).
- Spending time together. Not at the sole discretion of just one party as to frequency, length or the choice of activities.
- Consulting decisions. Especially those made for both.
- But also those that are theoretically one party’s to make but affect both.
- Both parties being attentive to and protective of each other’s feelings.
Balance, balance, balance.
