Why is lonliness such a big deal?

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I wonder if you could be confusing being alone with loneliness? Loneliness is a negative emotional response that can result in depression and other illness. Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, an introverted person may function best when alone or with only one person.

I haven’t heard anything in YOUR post that suggested loneliness, certainly nothing that needs psychological intervention. What I do hear is a need for spiritual direction. I would suggest you look in your area for an old order Carmelite or discalced Carmelite order for a spiritual director. A Carmelite could help you differentiate between normal introverted tendencies (like Pope Paul VI had) a priestly or religious vocation, or maybe a call to the desert.
 
GEddie said:
Wow.

Last time I was in NM, it was mid-winter! Such not available!!

While now in my corner of NA, that’s still almost 900 miles! Not in the cards currently!!!

ICXC NIKA
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What is “NA”? Your location says you are in Texas?

I used to live an hour north of Amarillo, in a town no one knows, so I won’t even bother telling you what it is! 😃

By the way, I didn’t actually go on the physics field trip, as I was already going on a band field trip the same year I was in physics II, and I didn’t want to ask my parents for more money so that I could do both. I was just relating the story…and trying to imagine what ice cream stuffed sopapillas tasted like! (mouth already watering)
 
Indigo_Cardinal said:
Relationships and marriage aren’t for everybody, I’d be the first to say it.

What concerns me, OP, is that I don’t think you’re speaking from a “But I’m happy with my life as it is!” viewpoint…I get the feeling you’re speaking from a “I’m too afraid of getting hurt to try” viewpoint. I base this off the following:

Yes, it’s great to have food and shelter, and it’s a good thing to be aware of how fortunate you are to live someplace where going hungry isn’t an issue. But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for just the bare necessities of life–there’s nothing wrong with wanting something more.

This just comes across as somebody who is doing their best to guard their feelings…which is sad. 😦

This is definitely a “If I don’t let myself feel anything deeper, I won’t get hurt” stance. It’s true that if you don’t let anybody in, they can’t hurt you, but by the same caveat, they can’t grow to love you, either.

There’s nothing wrong with preferring one’s own company and wanting the single life, if that’s what you REALLY want…but I can’t help but think what you want is to never be hurt again. And that breaks my heart for you. 😦
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This is exactly what I was going to post.

There’s nothing wrong with being happy alone, but I would seriously question whether you’re actually happy being alone, or if you’re telling yourself that you’re happy so you don’t have to face the risk of rejection.
 
There is a spectrum of people out there. Some prefer to be alone for a number of reasons, but we are not meant to be alone. I have a friend who is very lonely. He calls me on a regular basis.

Ed
 
Xantippe said:
How about some therapy? And maybe a spiritual director?

It’s fine not to date or to marry, but I’m not sure that your current attitude is compatible with the Christian life. Not to be cliched, but WWJD? Jesus needed time alone and he didn’t have a family, but at the same time, he had a very rich social life–lots of close friends, plus lots of interactions with acquaintances. Oh, and lots of travel and service to others. Jesus didn’t just hide under a rock, which is what it sounds like you are planning on doing.

Food and shelter alone isn’t enough even for animals.

Think harder about what your vocation is.
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👍👍

It is good to be comfortable with solitude, but we are social creatures.
 
I’m starting to come around to your way of thinking. I’m 36 and have never had any kind of romantic relationships at all. I don’t really have friends, but rather, people I do things with. My only family is a mother and brother who I see regularly and a sister who is distant.

I used to be really frustrated and feel lonely all the time, now it’s much less so. Eventually, I just accepted it and moved on. I go to work, go home and hang out around the house. Friday evening or a weekend day I get together with my brother and I go to church. That’s about it.
 
realtiger said:
I am 25 years old and I feel marriage and dating is not for me. I feel happy about being single. I also don’t hang out with too many friends either. I don’t know why people make such a huge deal about loneliness. I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

When I tell people I don’t want a girlfriend, they tell me I should find a girlfriend and that it is good. .

I realize some guys don’t have the gift or even calling to have a girlfriend. I think I am one of these guys. Also I think being in a relationship can be a burden. Being married and having children is definitely a cross that I am not willing to carry. I don’t think I can be man enough for a girlfriend or a family so I just try to be happy being single. It is no big deal.
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A common mistake is that you can only be lonely alone, but you can have VERY lonely people who are married, who have hundreds of “friends.” I don’t deal with much loneliness either, but I do experience some. I may feel lonely when I sin, a common temptation the devil can tempt us with is that I’m the only one struggling with this sin. If you don’t expose that lie it can be a VERY lonely feeling. This is just one example, but you may feel lonely when no-one supports your decisions in life, maybe you have a disability that seemingly no-one else.

I think it’s possible the worst kind of loneliness is that loneliness when you are separated by people. If you feel lonely when you are alone it’s easy to fight that emotion, just go find people to hand out with or give someone a call. Feeling lonely in a crowd is a-lot more difficult to deal with.

About your vocation in life, Your primary vocation in life is love, which includes holiness, serving others, etc. I would suggest that you focus on your relationship with the Church and God. God may be calling you to the single life, but don’t be closed to the possibly of marriage.

Also don’t get tied up in what gifts you don’t have, God doesn’t call the qualitified he qualifies the called. Being a seminarian this is something I see lived out in my own daily life. I’m like you in some ways I don’t have many friends, I’m shy and don’t do well in crowds. I never thought I’m not qualified to be a priest, but I have had thoughts, I’m not going to be a good priest, I’m going to suck at it, basically being hard on myself. But as I’ve grown in seminary I’ve come to discover two primary things. If God is calling me to be a priest (and I have near 100% certainty on this) he has already given me the gifts needed to be a holy priest who will lead others to Christ, my simple job is to Love the Lord and his Church. Secondly and much less importantly is that my thoughts of not going to be a good priest ect, are temptations of the evil spirit. When others have told me their thoughts on how “good” of a priest I’m going to be they are almost always positive.

Note: I don’t like the idea of being a good priest, it gets to tied up into performance. Being a holy priest, all that matters, is giving yourself fully to Christ and the Church, and holding nothing back. I’m not perfect at this and never will be, but this is what I strive to do.
 
While it is a good thing to be with someone, the flirting thing just puts me off, therefore I am alone.

I can live with it, but it probably is not ideal.

BTW: "NA " = North America

ICXC NIKA
 
I don’t understand why people like yourselves place such a high emphasis on birthdays and their accompanying parties.

Did God infuse in us a desire to celebrate how long we live, or are birthday celebrations the result of purely cultural trends and practices?

I don’t mean to be rude, I just don’t understand why so many people are emotionally invested in such celebrations.
 
Faxero said:
I don’t understand why people like yourselves place such a high emphasis on birthdays and their accompanying parties.

Did God infuse in us a desire to celebrate how long we live, or are birthday celebrations the result of purely cultural trends and practices?

I don’t mean to be rude, I just don’t understand why so many people are emotionally invested in such celebrations.
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Because I am utterly alone, lonesome, and feeling like an alien on this planet, not belonging anywhere with anyone. Birthdays are really for the ones who are glad the birthday girl is alive and in their lives. Guess that answers that question.

And it’s cheezey
 
realtiger said:
I am 25 years old and I feel marriage and dating is not for me. I feel happy about being single. I also don’t hang out with too many friends either. I don’t know why people make such a huge deal about loneliness. I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

When I tell people I don’t want a girlfriend, they tell me I should find a girlfriend and that it is good. .

I realize some guys don’t have the gift or even calling to have a girlfriend. I think I am one of these guys. Also I think being in a relationship can be a burden. Being married and having children is definitely a cross that I am not willing to carry. I don’t think I can be man enough for a girlfriend or a family so I just try to be happy being single. It is no big deal.
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It is fine if you want to remain alone, but in the process do not isolate yourself. Engage in the world and with others, but don’t be attached. This is what you might be trying to learn: to not be taken over by your emotions, but learning to let it pass like the wind. You might be on the path to truly learning to love, which is learning to let go.
 
gigi_mvn said:
It is fine if you want to remain alone, but in the process do not isolate yourself. Engage in the world and with others, but don’t be attached. This is what you might be trying to learn: to not be taken over by your emotions, but learning to let it pass like the wind. You might be on the path to truly learning to love, which is learning to let go.
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👍
 
edwest2 said:
There is a spectrum of people out there. Some prefer to be alone for a number of reasons, but we are not meant to be alone. I have a friend who is very lonely. He calls me on a regular basis.

Ed
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Again, alone is different from being lonely. Many great souls achieved the heights of spirituality in a life of solitude. It is true that in the beginning God said, ‘’…it is not good for man to be alone…’’ so He created Eve. But when God needed to connect with man, He sent them alone into the desert. Check this out. newadvent.org/cathen/07280a.htm

You have a friend who calls you regularly. This could be loneliness. The OP is questioning why everyone finds his being alone such an issue. Frankly, so am I. Could it be the majority of people are extroverts who would find such solitude unbearable?
 
realtiger said:
I am 25 years old and I feel marriage and dating is not for me. I feel happy about being single. I also don’t hang out with too many friends either. I don’t know why people make such a huge deal about loneliness. I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

When I tell people I don’t want a girlfriend, they tell me I should find a girlfriend and that it is good. .

I realize some guys don’t have the gift or even calling to have a girlfriend. I think I am one of these guys. Also I think being in a relationship can be a burden. Being married and having children is definitely a cross that I am not willing to carry. I don’t think I can be man enough for a girlfriend or a family so I just try to be happy being single. It is no big deal.
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Was there a question somewhere in there?
 
Faxero said:
I don’t understand why people like yourselves place such a high emphasis on birthdays and their accompanying parties.

Did God infuse in us a desire to celebrate how long we live, or are birthday celebrations the result of purely cultural trends and practices?

I don’t mean to be rude, I just don’t understand why so many people are emotionally invested in such celebrations.
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Well, the birthday, anniversary of one’s own being, is a day to celebrate that person’s being.

If no-one wishes to share that with someone, it suggests that that person’s being is valueless.

It’s kind of like why women stereotypically go nonconcentric when their significant-other forgets their “song” or their first kiss, or worst of all, the wedding anniversary: it suggests to her that the relationship is less important to him than it is to her.

ICXC NIKA.
 
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