Why not move near my boyfriend?

[CoffeeBeans]

Hi Everybody * I’m new, but I’ve been lurking on here off and on for years, and I need some good catholic advice!
*
I’ve been dating an absolutely amazing man for several months now; we met online and live about 400 miles apart (soon to be more due to his job).* We skype and talk just about daily and have cleared through all the “big” deal breakers as well as pretty much every little topic I can think of.* We’re both solid catholics discerning marriage ideally in the next year or two.* He’s more than I could ever have asked for and I’ve never clicked so well with anyone before.* Now, we’ve been going back and forth about the possibility of moving to the same town to have some actual “in person” time rather than just a weekend visit every couple weeks.* This is minimum 3-6 months down the road due to his job, so I"m not talking right now.
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This is where I am hugely conflicted.* I have a good job, and the chance of me being able to do it remotely or find another job in his town is pretty high (they say customer service experience goes anywhere, right?).* He feels very strongly that we should be near each other to get that day-to-day time before getting married, preferably before getting engaged, and while he has said that he’ll quit his extremely good job to move near me if that’s what it comes to to make this work, I hate to ask that.* If this works out, we’ll be very glad of his job and the security/benefits it has.* He’s also willing to pay my relocation expenses to get me back to my hometown if it doesn’t work out and we’ve come up with a way to do that which would hold up even in a nasty breakup, worst case senario although I can’t see that happening at all.
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On the other hand, I could pretty easily pick up and move anywhere, but when I ran this by my father (I’m 23 and living on my own, but he’s always given solid advice and I respect his opinion quite highly).* He feels very strongly that I should NOT move as this is nearly the same as living together.* He thinks that we’ll just end up spending every moment together with no lives outside each other and that basically moving like that is an effort to be totally positive that he/she’s “the one” before making a move; obviously this isn’t going to work since otherwise all those people living together would have a much lower divorce ratio.* I don’t see this happening, as I would move hell and high water to keep from being the clingy, no life outside of their guy, type of girl.* (Granted, I’m a rather introverted person, but I can make the effort and get myself busy and involved in things with enough motivation and have been for a while now!).
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I’m not sure what I think, because I see the logic on my bf’s side and quite honestly agree with a lot of it, but I trust the opinion of my dad and have also seen a number of girls do the same thing with terrible results.* Now, I’m not all girls, and our relationship is not at all like the secular ones I’ve seen, but still.*
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Does anyone have some solid logical reasons that I SHOULDN’T consider moving?* Not just gut reaction (which I get, but my guy is a numbers man and I’d like to do better than that).* I’m so torn and we do need to know fairly soon as he’ll need to redirect his job asap if he has to try to come to me.

(no idea where the odd formatting came from; sorry. I’m trying to do this on my phone )

 

[shainski]

chicagotribune.com/features/life/ct-sun-0819-love-story-duran-20120819,0,599032.story

well, everyone is different - every relationship is different. When i think of all those amazing stories after WWII - where all kinds of relationships existed in unbelievable times - I know, it can happen.

There was a good story in the Chicago tribune a few weeks ago about a chicago man who met a woman in Mexico - and they were strongly attracted to each other, but didn’t actually meet for another decade.

That said, living in the same town as someone else is very different than doing the long distance thing. I, too, had an amazing relationship long distance when I was about your age. We could joke about anything. Visiting each other (we were about 300 miles away) - lead to amazing weekends. Every time we saw each other was a huge adventure.

After about eight months, I did move to her city (which was also the city i grew up in). But I had a brand new job which required a great deal of devotion. I also had professional exams which were extremely intense. When we were apart, we could each fit parts of our lives that was not about the other into the times when we were not communicating, so that when we were with each other, we had no other distractions.

But when I moved, then we had to explain why we couldn’t see each other play baseball - or why Tuesday wasn’t going to work for a movie. She thought all the time I used to devote to my exams was excessive. I was overwhelmed with a brand new job - where, I thought I must have deceived them to think i was capable of all the things they hired me for.

When I finally came out of the exam funk months later, we realized that our relationship was not the fairy tale that it seemed to be from a distance.

So giving up a job and relocating to another city for another person is a huge one-sided commitment. It can put expectations on the relationship that are unrealistic. Proceed with caution. Also, to acclimate to a new city without any other friends or job will probably take a couple of years. You won’t really know whether or not you like it for a couple of years.

chicagotribune.com/features/life/ct-sun-0819-love-story-duran-20120819,0,599032.story

 

[SMHW]

This is going to sound very sexually stereotyped because…well, because it is.
I have heard it suggested that a woman should make the man do the moving before the marriage because in the ideal situation the man has to be willing to provide for the woman (financially, security wise, etc.) and making him do the moving is a test of his willingness to do what is necessary for the woman. (A test for the man to assess himself and a test for the woman to evaluate the man and her willingness to be supported by him.)

Once the two are married the woman gets to follow the man to wherever the jobs are.

When I got married I was the one with the bigger income and better benefits. (However my husband had more real estate property than I did.) So financially we were pretty much equals and we already lived in the same town. That said, after some 25 years of marriage I think there is wisdom in stereotype. I think that even if the woman makes more money there is benefit in the man feeling the greater responsibility for the physical/financial support of the family. This is especially true when children come along.

 

[Aggie414]

I think in order to discern whether this is a true match, one has to move to the same geographic area as the other – now who actually does the move is totally up to the couple. I see both points of view: If he does end up being the one, then if he has the better job that’s an obvious perk (especially if being a stay-at-home mom or other considerations are important). On the other hand, him proving himself to you is a big selling point as well.

Ultimately each couple has to decide that for themselves. I think not to live in the same city and see each other as a “normal dating couple,” can be a huge boulder in any ultimate marriage – not saying always; but as one previous poster said, the honeymoon phase of dating wears off when it’s on a more day-to-day relationship than just a weekend here and there.

 

[revert_jen]

Why don’t you both investigate the job possibilities in each other’s towns? It seems like until you know what the options are, you can’t make any kind of decision. If you both investigate jobs and living expences and so forth in the other towns before deciding, then you are making decisions based on real data, not just a general feeling.

I don’t think that it is inherently bad for either of you to move to the same town with the other. It is important to have outside interests, but lots of people date people who live in the same town they do. Sometimes fathers are a little over-protective of their daughters.

The only thing I know for sure is that you can’t make the decision to get engaged until you have lived relatively near each other for a while. Shainski’s experience about the change from a long-distance to a local relationship rings true with me, too, but in any case it’s better to find that out before you get engaged!

–Jen

 

[EasterJoy]

I married someone that I never lived in the same town with before we married, and we were always at least 300 miles apart. It worked out for us, but I have realized we were very lucky. I would absolutely take the opportunity to live in the same area at least during your engagement. I would absolutely not move in with him–no Dad, it is not the same thing!–and have some Plan B for what I’d do if we were to break up.

I also decided on my university based on finding one I liked that was near the boyfriend I had at the time (not the one I married). The university worked out great; the boyfriend, not so much. I am very glad I did not choose to go to his university, because it would have been a lousy choice that I would have resented even if we did stay together. As it was, the great university was more than a consolation prize. It kind of made the whole ill-starred enterprise worth it.

Don’t make a move that is something you’ll resent if it doesn’t work out, but don’t avoid moving at all. If you’re moving to a nice place, you could have all sorts of good experiences even if this romance doesn’t pan out!

 

[Delaine75]

Hey, don’t underestimate the power of gut instinct (even if your man has an issue with it)!!

Not only that but, if you’ve only been dating a few months online, up and moving so far away could be a bad idea. I say if you guys are still together six months from now, still going strong, then moving might be a decent suggestion. Plus, if HE thinks you shouldn’t move out there, that could be a red flag.

My suggestion: Give it time. Pray on it.

 

[marian_love]

I am sorry that I cannot offer any advice…but I am praying for you both

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Have you met this man in person yet? Because clicking via Skype is different than clicking in person.

 

[St_Francis]

Two people moving to the same city…I would advise my daughter against it too. Neither of you would have a life set up there, and that could easily lead to your being too dependent on each other.

If you did do it, I would recommend starting off with almost totally separate lives: like going to different churches for a bit or different Masses at the same church, limiting the amount of time you spend together, each of you planning different volunteer work and other activities (softball leagues or hobby clubs).

My husband and I moved to a new town just before our first child was born–we never really met anyone else, got involved with anything, which is kind of understandable, but I would do things differently now!

 

[SonCatcher]

Hi Everybody * I’m new, but I’ve been lurking on here off and on for years, and I need some good catholic advice!

Welcome! I hope someone here might be able to provide some.

I’ve been dating an absolutely amazing man for several months now; we met online and live about 400 miles apart (soon to be more due to his job).* We skype and talk just about daily … Now, we’ve been going back and forth about the possibility of moving to the same town to have some actual “in person” time rather than just a weekend visit every couple weeks.

I understand, then, that you do get to visit in person a couple times per month, right? My wife and I had a similar relationship for the first several months.

This is where I am hugely conflicted.* I have a good job, and the chance of me being able to do it remotely or find another job in his town is pretty high (they say customer service experience goes anywhere, right?).* He feels very strongly that we should be near each other to get that day-to-day time before getting married, preferably before getting engaged, and while he has said that he’ll quit his extremely good job to move near me if that’s what it comes to to make this work, I hate to ask that.* If this works out, we’ll be very glad of his job and the security/benefits it has.

It sounds like your career is more portable than his (though you didn’t actually state what he does), so the proposed plan seems reasonable. I might hesitate if you wind up distant from both of your families, but wedding plans (assuming that is where things go) would be handled more easily if both of you are in the same place. It would be good to seek out local activities that are similar to those you participate in now.

He’s also willing to pay my relocation expenses to get me back to my hometown if it doesn’t work out and we’ve come up with a way to do that which would hold up even in a nasty breakup, worst case senario although I can’t see that happening at all.

Ixnay. Nien. Nyet. No. Don’t make any financial entanglements before marriage except as part of any actual wedding plans. (after you are married, entangle your finances as much as possible but not before) Better to set up your own emergency fund to finance your return if that is what happens. Unfortunately, you might make some expensive mistakes. Hopefully, they will be few and covered by your rainy day fund.

I’m not sure what I think, because I see the logic on my bf’s side and quite honestly agree with a lot of it, but I trust the opinion of my dad and have also seen a number of girls do the same thing with terrible results.* Now, I’m not all girls, and our relationship is not at all like the secular ones I’ve seen, but still.

Your dad cares about you very much but is probably a little scared because you’re “growing up” (my own dad admitted to me that he had difficulty reconciling the idea when I moved into my first apartment, which was in the next town over). You should definitely listen to him but should probably find a different counselor for these types of life decisions.

Does anyone have some solid logical reasons that I SHOULDN’T consider moving?* Not just gut reaction (which I get, but my guy is a numbers man and I’d like to do better than that).* I’m so torn and we do need to know fairly soon as he’ll need to redirect his job asap if he has to try to come to me.

Since you both are in stable positions, you both should give it a fair consideration. He might inquire from a career counselor what rewards or risks might await him in your town. In my case, I wound up on the outskirts of where someone with my expertise might work, but in a position that has much lower stress than I would likely face in the middle of many high power companies.

 

[beyern]

Hi, I’m new here as well. Thought I’d finally register and give my thoughts on this.

I just went through a situation very similar to what you described. I was dating someone I met online who lived about 200 miles away. She is a lifetime devout Catholic, and I had rediscovered and fallen in love with my faith. We both were discerning marriage and discussed many important topics together over the phone and Skype or when we got to spend weekends visiting each other. After about 7 months she was able to find a temporary job closer to where I live, though not quite in the same town.

The move and transition to a new job were tough for her, and added some challenges to our relationship that we didn’t experience during the long distance part of it. However, there was great joy in spending more time together and being able to support her through the difficulties. A week ago I proposed and she accepted. Now I am in a position to be able to relocate. She is getting ready to move home to be with her mom and sisters for the wedding planning and I have started the process of finding a new job and a place to live.

I can’t say that you moving closer to him will have the same effect on your relationship that ours did, but it sounds like you are willing to put it in God’s hands and let Him guide you. I hope that whatever you decide, you find many blessings and discern your vocation.

 

[Irishmom2]

he has said that he’ll quit his extremely good job to move near me if that’s what it comes to to make this work, I hate to ask that

On the other hand, I could pretty easily pick up and move anywhere, but when I ran this by my father (I’m 23 and living on my own, but he’s always given solid advice and I respect his opinion quite highly).* He feels very strongly that I should NOT move as this is nearly the same as living together.* He thinks that we’ll just end up spending every moment together with no lives outside each other and that basically moving like that is an effort to be totally positive that he/she’s “the one” before making a move; obviously this isn’t going to work since otherwise all those people living together would have a much lower divorce ratio

First of all, you aren’t asking it, he is offering it. I agree with the other poster that said it may sound sexist, but I agree, he should be the one to move.

Your father has been your father for 23 years and you should trust his advice. His advice is spot on. But I also wonder why you would disregard his advice for someone that you in fact do not really know as well.

 

[1ke]

You have been dating “several months”? And you want to pack up and move to a new city?

No. I don’t think that is a good idea.

DH and I met via Ave Maria Singles. We dated a year and were engaged 9 months. I did not move here until we married. We lived 1800 miles apart.

My sister and her now husband lived in different countries (US and Europe). They dated a six months and were engaged a year. And she did not move until they were married.

I would not move anywhere until I was married.

I totally agree with your dad.

 

[CoffeeBeans]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts! It’s nice to get an outside, objective view.

Just to clarify, yes, we see each other about every other weekend, every third tops, and have for a couple months now. I’ve visited him (awfully pricey with hotel costs) but usially he comes here so he can stay at my parents house for free - much better! So they’ve met and talked with him and they like him quite a lot.

And with moving, no, i’m not talking now; if it happens it would be at least 3-6 months from now. However, he’s in a rotational program so he has to choose what location to put in for now, several months ahead of time. Otherwise this conversation wouldnt be coming up now.

So the conclusion i’ve got so far is that it depends and there is no right answer but the other perspectives are very helpful all the same, so thanks!!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Another thing to consider…the fact that you stay in hotels when you visit him leads me to guess that he doesn’t have live near his parents? The fact that you DO live near your parents (or did you say Dad only?) leads me to guess that maybe you also are part of a larger community (if you live near where you grew up)? I would not want to give that community up without a good reason. If he doesn’t have that familial/community support wherever he is, that would be another reason for him to come to you and not the other way around.

Should someone move at all? I agree though that it might seem premature after only a few months, but given the fact that he needs to make decisions somewhat far in the future for his job, I can appreciate the need to think ahead. Can he justify living in your area if you’re not around? Are there things about where you live that would make it a good place for him to be working? If I were in your shoes, I would want him to feel like he is not putting all his eggs in my basket, but looking at the big picture. Speaking of big-picture… it is interesting that folks have successfully forged relationships without living near each other until marriage. I haven’t bdtd so I can’t judge it. But I have seen enough posts online of people who didn’t really KNOW their spouse before they married and are now in very difficult situations. Living in the same, or reasonably close communities, allows you to see how your significant other interacts with the world - not just with you on weekends when you probably shut out the world to focus on each other. I think of that as an important aspect of getting to know someone, and while it may not be necessary for everyone, for the person who has a “red flag issue”, it is more likely to be noticed if you have day to day contact with them in the world, than when you are long distance.

 

[Aggie414]

Speaking of big-picture… it is interesting that folks have successfully forged relationships without living near each other until marriage. I haven’t bdtd so I can’t judge it. But I have seen enough posts online of people who didn’t really KNOW their spouse before they married and are now in very difficult situations. Living in the same, or reasonably close communities, allows you to see how your significant other interacts with the world - not just with you on weekends when you probably shut out the world to focus on each other. I think of that as an important aspect of getting to know someone, and while it may not be necessary for everyone, for the person who has a “red flag issue”, it is more likely to be noticed if you have day to day contact with them in the world, than when you are long distance.

I couldn’t agree more. Part of discerning if a person is marriage material is seeing how they interact in all situations. I think if it’s a long distance relationship only, you only see the “good” part of them – by that I mean they’re on their best behavior, the outside world does get shut out to a certain extent. When you see someone on a daily basis, you see how they interact with others more frequently (when their guard is down maybe?), you can just pop in on them when they’re at work to say “hi” and see how they react to that. I’m not saying that long distance relationships can’t work – my sister and BIL had one, and it’s thriving; but I think the ideal situation is to have a more traditional dating relationship to really know that person and that can only be done when the two are in the same geographical area.