Why Saving Yourself for Marriage Could Be Costly

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Given my outburst above, I should add that I think the conservative Christian language of “saving oneself” is unfortunate. It implies that “oneself” is a commodity that should be “saved” so that it will be more valuable. Many young Christians get married expecting instant sexual bliss, and when it doesn’t happen or it wears off they wonder if all the “saving” has really paid off.

One of the best contemporary books on this subject I know is Real Sex by Lauren Winner. I recommend it to Reefer highly. The late Pope’s *Love and Responsibility *is also excellent, but Winner may be more persuasive and accessible for you and I’d suggest that you read her book first. There are a number of similar books out there, but I haven’t read them all and I really like Winner’s.

Edwin
 
Premarital sex? Great idea! So long as you don’t mind getting some nasty sexually transmitted diseases, having a baby with someone you’re not married to, or worse still - aborting your child… not to mention spending an eternnity in hell because you’ve put yourself in a state of mortal sin.

Is all of that worth a few minutes of pleasure?
 
I’m sorry but I am absolutely shocked to see a Catholic on here promoting fornication! :eek:
 
Holly3278 said:
How do we know this? His profile says he’s Catholic. Also, why is his user name grey? Was he banned? :confused:
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No, but you can’t be Catholic and promote fornication. Even if you might technically be Catholic, you aren’t really Catholic.
 
Holly3278 said:
How do we know this? His profile says he’s Catholic. Also, why is his user name grey? Was he banned? :confused:
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His user name is grey because he’s still a very new member. And he’s started another thread about how he doesn’t go to church and isn’t particularly fond of Catholicism right about now, due to his parents or something.
 
From a secular stand point OP’s opinion is unfounded as well. Ok, yeah, sex is a big part of marriage. Yes, if it’s not great, it’s not good. BUT… you don’t divorce for that ( well, maybe some people do). You find a way to fix it. You communicate. You go to counciling. That’s what you do in marriage, work.

As someone who hasn’t always lived a “faithful” life, I’ve lived with both my husbands. Wow, that doesn’t sound good :o Let me tell you, sex isn’t what destroyed the first one, and it isn’t what keeps the second one together. Love, respect, and work, are what keeps my marriage together. Believe me, with six kids (mixed family), a drunk ex husband, and a seriously mentally disturbed ex wife, we have to WORK. Sure we have disagreements, A LOT, and the sex isn’t always skyrockets and shooting stars. We just make up for it the next time 😉

Besides, when you live together, you’re always on your best behavior. It’s after the wedding that you start showing your true colors, ie: not putting the toilet seat down, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, and leaving wet towels on the floor. It’s rather disconcerting to find out that the person you’ve lived with for a year, is actually a complete stranger

Kim
 
mesquite_magic said:
Besides, when you live together, you’re always on your best behavior. It’s after the wedding that you start showing your true colors, ie: not putting the toilet seat down, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, and leaving wet towels on the floor. It’s rather disconcerting to find out that the person you’ve lived with for a year, is actually a complete stranger
Kim
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I’ve heard it said that you don’t truly know someone til you divorce them – talk about showing your true colors!:eek:

Of course that’s probably a topic for another thread…
 
I would hope that one of the blessings of marriage would be intimacy. Saving oneself for marriage and being exclusive creates the fertile ground for unitive spiritual intimacy. Without that, I would be too daunted to even consider the institution I’m such a curmudgeon 😛
 
As a young adult, I hear this argument alot. It doesn’t really get me roaring angry or offended. See, I think this young generation has grown up with a serious distrust of pretty much every side.

From infancy they are taught to do whatever they feel like, taught that religion and will control is mysticism, they see their parents in numerous horrible, unhappy relationships, their friends can’t find happiness, etc etc.

So they attempt, in their complete lack of knowledge and prudence, to create a process by which they can secure happiness or verifiability.

It’s really quite pitiable and those who use this argument honestly (not just as a cop out) can be open to change much more than the average sexually active person.

My favourite comeback to this argument is: “Well, I don’t like to lick my chocolate before buying it. You might get an already licked bar, or a half-eaten bar.”

For some reason, this analogy serves to bring the focus on how their test driving actual harms another person.
 
well, ive heard that protestants and catholics have higher divorce rates than the rest of society.

explain this.
 
se_goat said:
well, ive heard that protestants and catholics have higher divorce rates than the rest of society.

explain this.
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Where did you hear this?

non-denom Christians 34%
Jews 30%
Baptists 29%
Mainline Protestants 25%
Mormons 24%
Catholics 21%
Lutherans 21%
Atheists, Agnostics 21%

religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm

As to the real question at hand though…

In fact, the evidence runs strongly to the contrary, that cohabitation is detrimental. Researchers have found that living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce after marriage. "Research conducted at Yale and Columbia University and published in American Sociological Review found, ‘the overall association between premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital stability is striking. The dissolution [divorce] rates of women who cohabit premaritally with their future spouse are, on average, nearly 80 percent higher than the rates of those who do not’ " (Neil Bennett, “Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability,” American Sociological Review 53, p. 127-138).David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the Rutgers University study concluded that “virtually all research on the topic has determined that the chances of divorce ending a marriage preceded by cohabitation are significantly greater than for a marriage not preceded by cohabitation. A 1992 study of 3,300 cases, for example, based on the 1987 National Survey of Families and Households, found that in their marriages prior [cohabitants] ‘are estimated to have a hazard of dissolution [divorce] that is about 46 percent higher than for [noncohabitants].’”

gnmagazine.org/issues/gn26/cohabitation.htm
 
ReeferShepard said:
Kids this generation are constantly getting information about sex which comes from every angle, and some of which contradict itself.

I’m not here to state why I believe pre-marital sex is good & great, but people choosing to “save themselves” could create more harm than good.

My friends dad said it best. “Sex is 50% of a relationship. If you marry someone without ever being intimate with them, you have no idea how they are in bed, or if they even care about a sex life. If they’re bad at sex, you aren’t going to want to stay in it.”

I think this is excellent advice. Especially with divorces higher than they’ve ever been, I think people get the wrong idea of sex before marriage. You can read me all of the lines in the Bible, but the fact is, it’s what you choose. I’m not saying one-night stands, vacation splurges, etc. are fine, but if you’re in a relationship with somebody, and both are ready, it could be the best decision to make.
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I’m engaged to be married, and we practice chastity. Not much more physical intimacy than closed-mouth kisses and hugs for us. We’re young and in love, so this isn’t easy, but we know that God calls all people to this virtue of loving one another, and have been so blessed in our relationship because of it.

You know what? I have no worries or anxieties about our future ‘compatibility’. We know that after we are married, when our union is blessed by sacramental grace, we will have the patience and desire for one another that is appropriate and necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex isn’t just something people do, it is a union of two people which makes them one flesh. Within the sacrament of marriage, being ‘bad at sex’ is impossible. It’s always a complete gift of self to the other person, and that gift can never be ‘bad’. Less pleasurable at times, perhaps, but a couple able to engage in that kind of physical intimacy should surely have the emotional intimacy to talk about it and figure out what is best for them.

People most definitely have the wrong idea about sex before marriage, but not how you think. The problem is that no one today recognizes how amazing and incredibly special it is. It’s not something to be taken lightly–as you said, definitely not in one-night stands. But don’t you also see that sex, even in a ‘committed’ pre-marital relationship, is really just the same? There is no sacramental commitment there, no vow to love one another until death, no expressed desire to actualize their love in a new person. It’s not the appropriate language of the body for that stage in the couple’s lives; if they feel called to that kind of intimacy, it could be a call to marriage. Their deepest longing is to give all of themselves, but that is truly and honestly impossible outside of the sacrament of marriage.
 
ReeferShepard said:
Kids this generation are constantly getting information about sex which comes from every angle, and some of which contradict itself.

I’m not here to state why I believe pre-marital sex is good & great, but people choosing to “save themselves” could create more harm than good.

My friends dad said it best. “Sex is 50% of a relationship. If you marry someone without ever being intimate with them, you have no idea how they are in bed, or if they even care about a sex life. If they’re bad at sex, you aren’t going to want to stay in it.”

I think this is excellent advice. Especially with divorces higher than they’ve ever been, I think people get the wrong idea of sex before marriage. You can read me all of the lines in the Bible, but the fact is, it’s what you choose. I’m not saying one-night stands, vacation splurges, etc. are fine, but if you’re in a relationship with somebody, and both are ready, it could be the best decision to make.
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Can you point to a single statistic that shows pre-marital sex decreases the divorce rate? Its actually *the exact opposite. *The divorce rate has *skyrocketed *since the sexual revolution in the 60s.

In fact, a couple who has premarital sex is more likely to have an affair within marriage. Why? Because, by having premarital sex, they’ve already affirmed that sex isn’t about the wedding vows, its about feelings. If sex isn’t about the wedding vows *before *marriage, it isn’t going to be about the wedding vows *after *marriage.

There is absolutely no evidence, statistical or anecdotal, that even suggests in the slightest that pre-marital sex has improved relationships.

Furthermore, marriage is about selfless, *unconditional *commitment until death, no matter what. You can’t “practice” that. Its an illusion.
 
dulcissima said:
Where did you hear this?

non-denom Christians 34%
Jews 30%
Baptists 29%
Mainline Protestants 25%
Mormons 24%
Catholics 21%
Lutherans 21%
Atheists, Agnostics 21%

religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm

As to the real question at hand though…

In fact, the evidence runs strongly to the contrary, that cohabitation is detrimental. Researchers have found that living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce after marriage. "Research conducted at Yale and Columbia University and published in American Sociological Review found, ‘the overall association between premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital stability is striking. The dissolution [divorce] rates of women who cohabit premaritally with their future spouse are, on average, nearly 80 percent higher than the rates of those who do not’ " (Neil Bennett, “Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability,” American Sociological Review 53, p. 127-138).David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the Rutgers University study concluded that “virtually all research on the topic has determined that the chances of divorce ending a marriage preceded by cohabitation are significantly greater than for a marriage not preceded by cohabitation. A 1992 study of 3,300 cases, for example, based on the 1987 National Survey of Families and Households, found that in their marriages prior [cohabitants] ‘are estimated to have a hazard of dissolution [divorce] that is about 46 percent higher than for [noncohabitants].’”

gnmagazine.org/issues/gn26/cohabitation.htm
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I love to see a person with facts! Yes! 🙂
 
I would have to say you’re way off base with this. Sex is supposed to be intended to create life. Yes, it’s very enjoyable too. However, this isn’t a car you’re buying, you don’t “kick the tires first.” There are so many other factors for a great marriage, & if those are aligned, then sex is almost always going to be great. It’s about the “connection” between a loving couple, a way to share themselves the deepest way possible. Also, it has been proven that couples who live together & get married later, have a higher rate of divorce than those couples that don’t. I know you didn’t mention living together, but I wanted to point that out.
 
I agree with just about everbody else, I just think it’s ridiculous to say that someone being ‘bad’ at sex could make or break a relationship. I’ve always thought that if you truly loved a person, you work through any problems together. I can’t believe that anyone is inherently ‘bad’ at sex anyway.
 
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