Why would a woman choose to marry a who uses/could be addicted to porn?

[valient_Lucy]

If you are dating someone where you doubt their honesty, that in and of itself is a red flag that would warn you NOT to marry this person.

NO man would EVER honestly answer the question, “How often do you view pornography,” when asked by a woman he is dating.

I don’t even think my brother would tell me the truth.

 

[RebeccaJ]

Every woman should ask her husband before they get married about his pornography viewing habits & what he considers pornography. It is part of his sexual history & make-up.
Again, it is a huge, huge problem. I work in the IT industry and it would be a miracle to find a computer that didn’t have some porn on it. If men are viewing porn that much at work, how much more must they be viewing it at home? Most companies track every e-mail you send and every website you visit–but in the privacy of your own home, usually big brother isn’t watching.

Porn is rampant in work places. One place I worked would fire people for porn surfing. I had the not so wonderful job of managing the web-watching software.

You can believe I put in place what it takes to block and know what is going on at home. To me, doing otherwise is like opening your front door to let whoever or whatever come on in and stay for a while. I don’t think so.

But with porn surfing and the DH, he knows that if I feel like I have to watch him, like some teenager or something…life as we know it is over. I refuse to be his mother. If he is porn surfing, it is by CHOICE, not because something he has no control over. As a fully aware, intelligent, adult, if he chooses to porn surf, he has chosen to be with the naked babes on the computer screen, and not with me.

 

[Maria]

I believe porn is addicting and damaging in a relationship.
Basically, if the woman doesn’t care that her boyfriend or husband
looks at porn she won’t have a problem if he looks at it.

I do care… a lot. I equate it to cheating…lust for another woman. I was in a very bad, sinful relationship in the past and would find downloaded pornographic videos on my boyfriend’s computer all the time (hundreds of them with all different women). Being curious, I watched some of them. I was horrified. The porn I saw was so vile and degrading, some with girls that looked barely 18. There is some really bad porn out there on internet. I must have given my boyfriend at least ten ultimatums,telling him how I felt and asking him to stop before finally realizing that he was not going to change. He would lie to me and tell me that he didn’t look at them anymore but I would still find hundreds of recently downloaded videos all the time
even after the ultimatums. I explained to him, that I couldn’t continue the relationship and end up marrying him with him constantly looking at porn…that it was a major issue for me but he still would look at it.

What’s equally bad, is I felt like he was changing me. I was so suspicious and untrusting all the time that I would resort to spying on his computer. But, the good that came from it all is I realized that I was a hypocrite…living in my own sexual sin but reprimanding him. I wanted to repent and come back to the Church but felt I couldn’t stop living in sin while I was with him. Seeing those videos time and again made me feel repugnant and dirty. I did not want to end up with a man who viewed women and sex like that. I realized then that I really needed to work on turning my life around.

I really am so happy that I made that decision. It is so much better and more joyful to be forgiven, in better standing with the Church, and having my self-respect again rather than living in that sin and potentially ending up in a very miserable marriage. Maybe there is a way to help him and men like him, but nothing I could do helped…I was the one changing and for the worse.

 

[aboverubies]

What is “classic pin-up type art”?

 

[kage_ar]

NO man would EVER honestly answer the question, “How often do you view pornography,” when asked by a woman he is dating.

I don’t even think my brother would tell me the truth.

Sweeping generalities, are you very young?? - I can introduce you to several men, ranging from teens to sr citizens, who are men of charachter and strong moral fiber. They do not lie, they will honestly answer those questions.

I am married to one, my son and my brother are two more.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

Interesting post. Let’s dial the clock back about 40 years and change a couple of words. Remember, imagine, as you read this, it is 1968, long before stiffening of penalties.

The words I changed are underlined. I also removed the last paragraph as the author impeached himself with his closing statements.

rpp, I understand your argument and could add a whole bunch of other words where you put your highlighted ones. We could add Sex, Theft, Shoplifting, Shopping, TV viewing, eating, exercise, lying, internet, masturbation we could go on and on.
At some point in our society, we have to stop accepting the “________ addiction” as an excuse. We have to hold people accountable for their free will actions. I say this while keeping in mind what I posted in my original post. I DO believe that there are some people with addictions to these things (whatever you choose to put in the blank).
There is also a difference between a chemical substance addiction and an adrenaline or endorphin addiction. I still stand by my statement that someone who says they are addicted to ___________ probably has not been diagnosed by a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist. If they are using it as an excuse for their behavior then they need to either get help or get a reality check and stop destroying the lives of those around them and their own lives. At some point we have to draw the line between poor behavior defined as addiction and Free Will!
It is just like some of the arguments on here that not everyone agrees with all the teachings of the Catholic Church. Being a Catholic is not always easy. You can use excuses on why you don’t follow the Church teachings or you can just suck it up and realize it is something you have to do no matter how hard you think it is going to be for you.

 

[chevalier]

How many women are aware of their husbands’ porn addiction before they marry them?

I suppose I, as a single woman, could ask a potential suitor, “How often to do use pornography?” But I highly doubt I would get an honest answer.

And how often would you tolerate? I’m betting none at all, but even in this situation, hearing “how many” rather than “do you” suggests the toll of the times.

And liars are easy to spot. If you know how to do it, it’s not so difficult. Signs of making up the answer are not so obscure. Prepared answers aren’t impenetrable either.

Hope you aren’t reconciling with the idea that your future husband will be something who likely watches porn and you can’t check. People are liable to all sorts of faults, but… but we still have to give them credit.

NO man would EVER honestly answer the question, “How often do you view pornography,” when asked by a woman he is dating.

I don’t even think my brother would tell me the truth.

Looks like you’ve had some bad history with men. I’d be afraid to date a woman who didn’t believe me when I told her I never watched porn. I never do. Doesn’t mean I never have. But I never do. This is not because I’m oh-so-holy. Some men just don’t.

As for your brother, give him the benefit of doubt.

 

[valient_Lucy]

And how often would you tolerate? I’m betting none at all, but even in this situation, hearing “how many” rather than “do you” suggests the toll of the times.

And liars are easy to spot. If you know how to do it, it’s not so difficult. Signs of making up the answer are not so obscure. Prepared answers aren’t impenetrable either.

Hope you aren’t reconciling with the idea that your future husband will be something who likely watches porn and you can’t check. People are liable to all sorts of faults, but… but we still have to give them credit.

I asked “How often do you view pornography?” because of the hypothesis that asking a question in that way elicits a more truthful answer than asking “Do you view pornography?” As for how many times I would tolerate, I don’t know. I’d be very worried about habitual use, but if a man only viewed it or looked at magazines once or twice in his teenage years, I’d probably be willing to overlook it, provided he had repented and matured since those days. It depends on the situation and on the person.

Looks like you’ve had some bad history with men. I’d be afraid to date a woman who didn’t believe me when I told her I never watched porn. I never do. Doesn’t mean I never have. But I never do. This is not because I’m oh-so-holy. Some men just don’t.

As for your brother, give him the benefit of doubt.

Yes, I have had some bad history with men. And I am young, as another poster pointed out, but I was old enough to learn something from that situation. I learned that men, and women, can and will lie when it’s convenient and if it gets them what they want. And I’m tired of people making me feel as though I should apologize for learning that. And for those who do try to make me feel as though I should apologize for learning that lesson, what should I do instead? Should I believe the e-mails people send me, promising I’ve won the lottery in some country I’ve never been to, and they’ll wire me the money if I just give them my bank account number? Should I just pretend that the whole thing never happened, or just refuse to learn from the experience all together? And of course, the irony is, whenever I am trusting of people, other people tell that “I’m young and too trusting.” I give up; I just can’t win.

As for my brother, he did admit to me that he watched a pornographic video called Pirates, apparently the most expensive pornographic movie ever made. (I’m probably one of the few women who know that.) So I guess I could give him the benefit of the doubt that that was his only experience watching porn. But clearly I can’t believe he’s never watched it, since he’s already told me that he has.

 

[whatevergirl]

The issue though is not if someone has watched it or not…I have watched it with my husband when we were first married–we found them, frankly, to be on the funny side. (and gross side, that was my opinion) My husband does not look at porn, nor do I–just because someone does something once or twice, doesn’t mean they are or will become addicted. Addiction is at the heart of the thread–not just someone looking at something immoral he/she shouldn’t…once or twice.

My husband is very much a true man in every sense of the word–I don’t believe all men, once they ‘look’ will become addicted. That goes for many things, as well–gambling, alcohol, etc…some people have addictived personalities…but porn is very addicting for many I think nowadays, because of the ease of which it is distributed–the internet has played that up considerably. (men’s addictions to porn)

I just wanted to add that, because I have viewed it once or twice, and found it disgusting. It was something we did as a spoof in the early stages of our marriage, and would never do that again especially since we wouldn’t want to hurt our relationship with Christ, or our marriage.

Anyways…sorry to interject, but just wanted to add my two cents on that.

 

[chevalier]

I asked “How often do you view pornography?” because of the hypothesis that asking a question in that way elicits a more truthful answer than asking “Do you view pornography?”

I see. While I’m familiar to that kind of question-making, I got the vibe you didn’t even think about asking “do you”, but rather assumed everyone did and it was a matter of how often only.

As for how many times I would tolerate, I don’t know. I’d be very worried about habitual use, but if a man only viewed it or looked at magazines once or twice in his teenage years,

That doesn’t qualify for, “do you?” It qualifies for, “did you N years ago?” or at best, “have you ever?” I’m not even trying to defend anyone - speaking just as a matter of fact.

I learned that men, and women, can and will lie when it’s convenient and if it gets them what they want. And I’m tired of people making me feel as though I should apologize for learning that.

Careful… There’s no amount of “learning” which would entitle us to make sweeping generalisations. We always have to try and stick to facts. Facts are that not everyone lies. It’s nearly certain that nearly everyone has lied at some point, but few people are actual habitual liars, most probably try to stay generally truthful and there are certainly some who range from wholesome integrity to compulsive honesty (regardless of other faults).

And for those who do try to make me feel as though I should apologize for learning that lesson, what should I do instead?

Hmm… For learning that lesson or for preferring to make certain conclusions of which you aren’t actually entirely certain? Don’t hesitate to give people a little benefit of doubt sometimes.

Should I believe the e-mails people send me, promising I’ve won the lottery in some country I’ve never been to, and they’ll wire me the money if I just give them my bank account number?

It’s not the same as a real person telling you details from his life in circumstances which suggest no overt scam. The situations are clearly different.

Should I just pretend that the whole thing never happened, or just refuse to learn from the experience all together?

The experience you talk about doesn’t all too well translate into conclusions you talk about. In short, do give people a little benefit of doubt.

And of course, the irony is, whenever I am trusting of people, other people tell that “I’m young and too trusting.” I give up; I just can’t win.

Why would you even have to win? It’s not about winning, it’s about doing the right thing. If you do the wrong thing, then whether you win is immaterial. If you do the right thing, then you’ve done all you could, which means it’s pretty much immaterial whether you lose.

But clearly I can’t believe he’s never watched it, since he’s already told me that he has.

I think we’re drifting to some very abstract land there. Why would you ever make yourself believe something already confirmed false? That’s clearly different from situations in which you aren’t certain of the facts.

Just because your brother has admitted to watching a porn film doesn’t mean anyone expects you to tell yourself he didn’t and just because some spammers send you messages that you won a million dollar doesn’t mean all men lie. Try to relax and cheer up a bit, it’s Eastertide, after all.

 

[kage_ar]

Yes, I have had some bad history with men. And I am young, as another poster pointed out, but I was old enough to learn something from that situation. I learned that men, and women, can and will lie when it’s convenient and if it gets them what they want. And I’m tired of people making me feel as though I should apologize for learning that. And for those who do try to make me feel as though I should apologize for learning that lesson, what should I do instead? Should I believe the e-mails people send me, promising I’ve won the lottery in some country I’ve never been to, and they’ll wire me the money if I just give them my bank account number? Should I just pretend that the whole thing never happened, or just refuse to learn from the experience all together? And of course, the irony is, whenever I am trusting of people, other people tell that “I’m young and too trusting.” I give up; I just can’t win.

.

We trust those closest to us, and use more caution with strangers.

My point, if you are in a relationship with a Catholic man and you are discerning marriage, yet you cannot trust him to be honest with you, you should not marry that person.

 

[jman507]

I asked “How often do you view pornography?” because of the hypothesis that asking a question in that way elicits a more truthful answer than asking “Do you view pornography?” As for how many times I would tolerate, I don’t know. I’d be very worried about habitual use, but if a man only viewed it or looked at magazines once or twice in his teenage years, I’d probably be willing to overlook it, provided he had repented and matured since those days. It depends on the situation and on the person.

Yes, I have had some bad history with men. And I am young, as another poster pointed out, but I was old enough to learn something from that situation. I learned that men, and women, can and will lie when it’s convenient and if it gets them what they want. And I’m tired of people making me feel as though I should apologize for learning that. And for those who do try to make me feel as though I should apologize for learning that lesson, what should I do instead? Should I believe the e-mails people send me, promising I’ve won the lottery in some country I’ve never been to, and they’ll wire me the money if I just give them my bank account number? Should I just pretend that the whole thing never happened, or just refuse to learn from the experience all together? And of course, the irony is, whenever I am trusting of people, other people tell that “I’m young and too trusting.” I give up; I just can’t win.

As for my brother, he did admit to me that he watched a pornographic video called Pirates, apparently the most expensive pornographic movie ever made. (I’m probably one of the few women who know that.) So I guess I could give him the benefit of the doubt that that was his only experience watching porn. But clearly I can’t believe he’s never watched it, since he’s already told me that he has.

In general I would say, if your never going to forget, that may get you to a point where someone close to you may be too scared to tell you about a fall. As we are told if we confess and repent, God forgets, and the preist in confession should “forget” what is told, though in application, should never act on the knowledge again. If God wasn’t going to forget and always hold it to us, why confess and repent? If you friend all ready commited the unforgiveable sin when the relationship will be cut off, what is the difference if he tacks on a lie to try to buy some time?

Now this all is way way too simplistic way of viewing things, but it does bring up a couple important points that must be considered. You do need to hold up standards and proper justice, but you also do need to allow for mercy when the time is right. You do need to make sure that the person is solid enough to marry and have a family with, but we are all affected by original sin and concupiscence. That is a big judgement call to juggle to the points. You really need to bring it to discernment and prayer, on how to handle the situation; what you need to hold the other too, and how you yourself may need to change.

Really it’s not an easy topic. It’s on thing to say stuff on the forum, but application is a whole different game. As the saying goes, “to the one who doesn’t have to do anything, anything is possible.” Once your in the situation, you have to consider all the variables with imperfect knowledge. I am sure you’ve had to deal with that before.

 

[fbl9]

myself i know of guys who do not view prn just because they don’t like it.on the other hand i know guys who do becuase they like it.without a " professional" opinion i know i was addicted to this stuff.only by the grace of God was the bond of this trap broken for me.i hated the stuff yet couldn’t put it down even after i married the most beautiful woman in the western world.

 

[valient_Lucy]

We trust those closest to us, and use more caution with strangers.

I’d be willing to follow that advice, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was my dad who lied to me. It’s taken my relationship with my dad 8 years to recover, and my brother’s relationship with dad is still in ruins.