I was widowed suddenly at age 41 after 17 years marriage. The loss of identity at suddenly finding myself ‘alone’ was dramatic - and my husband and I had many separate interests and I would have considered myself a pretty self-sufficient woman, while also being the ‘other half’ to my husband - if that makes any sense to anyone. I had 2 pre-teen daughters and it was only having them that enabled me to get up and get on with my life.
I remember a day about 6 months after my husband’s death when I was standing on a footbridge over a boggy area of ground in a park and bleakly looking at the stretch of years ahead of me, alone and feeling so unable to face those years. I had the thought that if that little 1 foot high bridge were a really high bridge I would seriously consider throwing myself off it just to avoid the empty, lonely years I saw stretching ahead of me. Even though I knew I had those two young daughters who needed me. It was truly horrible.
I remember too, having the utmost difficulty getting out of bed in the mornings - again, only having my daughters ensured I did that. Some evenings I was too sunk in despair to even want to cook supper, having a child say, “Mum aren’t you ever going to make us supper” was what got me up to do that.
I have not shared this to get sympathy, that was nearly 20 years ago, I have found a new and different way of living my life, ways that I couldn’t even begin to envisage back then.
This below from Hirgy cannot be emphasised enough. I was seeing a Christian psychologist and he confirmed that the
second year is way worse than the first for exactly the reason Hirgy states, everyone thinks you’re ‘over it’ like a dose of flu. I may be mistaken on this, but I seem to recall being told that Christians particularly find the second year much more difficult.
I volunteer on a young widows/widowers website, and the most frustrating thing most realize that at about the 1 year mark, everybody BUT the widow/er thinks the pain and loneliness magically is gone. That somehow, the widow/er should just suddenly “be over it”. Much easier said than done. In fact, its almost a surety that the SECOND year is the most painful, because after that first year full of “firsts” (first anniversary without them, first birthday without them, first Christmas, etc. and so forth), everybody else around you puts it behind them and you are left completely on your own, with nobody understanding how truly alone you feel.
One of the most helpful things I learned at the bereavement group I joined (about 5 years after my husband’s death) was the analogy of a broken bead necklace: if you were to have a bead necklace that got broken, you could collect up the beads and re-string them; however, some of the beads would probably have got lost and the beads would not be strung in exactly the same way as they were before. Life after the death of a spouse is like re-stringing that necklace: most of the parts are still there, but they get put together in a different way and some are missing.
Your uncle is most likely still grieving deeply and wondering how he will now face his life alone. Is it possible for him to join a bereavement support group, or consult with a spiritual advisor, or Christian (preferably Catholic) psychologist. Pray for him, love him and try to find ways to gently help him move into his ‘new’ life.
