Wife asked why I didn't receive Communion

[tafan2]

If there are sins of a spouse a person does not have a right to know, then one should not ask a question which is “what mortal sin did you commit”.

Honey, why aren’t you receiving? Would you like to share, or Is there something I should know about?

Perhaps, my response to my spouse would likely be (assuming it is due to sin) “none of your business”. That would be my response even if I did not care if she knew, because she would need to know is not a proper question, and it could be very uncomfortable in the future. I have been married a total of 30 years, two very catholic wifes, and neither has ever asked me why I did not go to communion. And I have never asked either of them. I have never heard either wife ask any of my kids that question. And it is a topic we never discussed. I suppose some people recognize that it is no appropriate behavior. I do remember my wife telling me in private one time to take the boys to confession because she noticed one of them did not go to communion.

 

[rondirect]

Sorry, but this is getting quite confusing now.

When married, you become one in the eyes of God. There should be no secrets, lies, misconceptions, holding back truth, nothing! If your spouse asks you a question pertaining to anything, the only answer is the truth, not “it’s between God and me,” “I need to go to confession,” “none of your business (really?),” etc. Answers like that only heighten fear, anxiety, and argument. If holding back from telling your spouse something that you need to go to confession for that they are not aware of, hiding it from your spouse is the same; living a lie. If and when the hidden truth is found out, even years later, a level of distrust is added on to the issue, making it even more problematic. Your spouse will always have doubts about anything you say or do for the rest of your lives.

And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high!

 

[tafan2]

There should be no secrets

I strongly disagree. There are certainly things, not just about sin, that at times one cannot share with one’s spouse. I once learned something about my wife’s sister, that I certainly did not want to know myself, and I was definitely not going to tell her. Indeed, telling a serious fault about anyone else to your spouse (or anyone), that they do not need to know is the sin of detraction.

My wife goes to confession once a week. Yea, I see her sins once in a while so could guess what she confessed. Sometimes she tells me what the priest told her. But the vast majority of the time, I have no idea what she is confessing, and could care less. I have no right to know, and she doesn’t tell me. That is the way it should be.

You guys take this idea of “one in the eyes of God” a little too far. Heck, if we were completely one in the eyes of God, then it would be impossible for one spouse to be saved and not the other. Obviously God does not mean that as an absolute.

 

[TheLittleLady]

When married, you become one in the eyes of God

No.

When we are married, the phrase is “two become one FLESH”. This refers to the marital act. We do not become some sort of spiritual monstrosity two headed soul.

 

[rondirect]

Likewise, I totally disagree with your reply. However, I would never ask what she confessed or would she ask me. Confession aside, it my wife asked me a question, the answer will always be the truth and never, “none of your business.”

In the case of her sister, the odds are that someday she will find out that you knew. Good luck with that one.

The Church teaches that we become one through marriage, so “taking it too far” is impossible.

 

[rondirect]

When we are married, the phrase is “two become one FLESH”. This refers to the marital act. We do not become some sort of spiritual monstrosity two headed soul.

Never implied that. So dramatic for leaving out the word “flesh.” Nevertheless, my answer stands.

 

[tafan2]

In the case of her sister, the odds are that someday she will find out that you knew. Good luck with that one.

Sorry, she might. But it would have been a sin to tell her. I can think of so many examples in my spouse were I have withheld information from her and feel completely justified. Some are because I learned them through other’s gossip. I have withheld financial problems from my wife when I knew it would cause too much stress for her and I had figured out a solution on my own. Heck, I remember when I knew she was spending too much one time and I said nothing at the time because I realizes other problems she was having and did not want to pile on.

I know of things now my first wife withheld from me, doesn’t bother me in the least.
Frankly, the idea that we should share everything with our spouse seems rather bizarre to me the more I think about it. Heck, I really want my surprise gifts to be a surprise. I once secretly hoarded cash for months so I could buy my wife a gift for her and she wouldn’t see the cost in our checking account. After that, I suggested to her that we each have our own little account for things that we want to spend without the other knowing. She agreed totally, said she had thought of the same thing a couple of times.

 

[tafan2]

I think you did imply it. And the idea that spouses have to constantly be in fear of what the other is doing seems more likely a symptom of the divorce rate that the idea that they keep a few secrets from each other. The idea that a spouse is going to want to know anything I might have done wrong is going to cause more fear and potential divorce than keeping a few secrets from each other. Its called trust. You only really trust someone when you do not feel the need to question them, but trust that they will tell you what you need/deserve to know.

 

[rondirect]

Sorry, she might. But it would have been a sin to tell her. I can think of so many examples in my spouse were I have withheld information from her and feel completely justified. Some are because I learned them through other’s gossip. I have withheld financial problems from my wife when I knew it would cause too much stress for her and I had figured out a solution on my own. Heck, I remember when I knew she was spending too much one time and I said nothing at the time because I realizes other problems she was having and did not want to pile on.

I know of things now my first wife withheld from me, doesn’t bother me in the least.
Frankly, the idea that we should share everything with our spouse seems rather bizarre to me the more I think about it. Heck, I really want my surprise gifts to be a surprise. I once secretly hoarded cash for months so I could buy my wife a gift for her and she wouldn’t see the cost in our checking account. After that, I suggested to her that we each have our own little account for things that we want to spend without the other knowing. She agreed totally, said she had thought of the same thing a couple of times.

For these examples, I can agree. They circumvent any conversation that refers to going to confession for which this thread was started.

Peace.

 

[JimG]

My wife had an implicit policy of never speaking negatively about other people. She would chide me if I made unkind comments about others. The idea is to only think the best of others and not to spread negative things, even if true. As has been stated before, making someone else’s sins known is itself the sin of detraction.

Spouses ought to want to present their best selves to each other, not display all their present and past sins. Getting married does not turn spouses into each other’s confessors. I knew a guy once who had a rather extensive sexual history before marriage. He did not discuss this with his wife, nor did she wish to know about it. What was important was their married life together.

A priest once told us in school that at the last judgment, all our sins would be known to everyone else, in order to make manifest God’s justice–except those sins which were confessed and absolved in the sacrament of confession. A visionary once asked Jesus what sins she had confessed in her last confession. He answered, “I don’t remember.”
The confessional is the place for sins to be confessed and forgotten. It is not a kindness to burden a spouse with what should not be her burden.

It is only in recent decades that the philosophy of “tell all” has become so widespread. I do not think it has helped marriages.

 

[tafan2]

It is only in recent decades that the philosophy of “tell all” has become so widespread. I do not think it has helped marriages.

I strongly suspect you are right. Some of the responses on this thread make me think there are some people who have to be on edge all the time, as everything is supposed to be in the open and can be questioned at any time.

I still remember the nun in the second grade telling us we should never, ever ask anyone why they did not go to communion. It was post Vatican II BTW. I think that fine sister was correct.

 

[rcwitness]

My wife had an implicit policy of never speaking negatively about other people. She would chide me if I made unkind comments about others. The idea is to only think the best of others and not to spread negative things, even if true. As has been stated before, making someone else’s sins known is itself the sin of detraction.

Spouses ought to want to present their best selves to each other, not display all their present and past sins. Getting married does not turn spouses into each other’s confessors. I knew a guy once who had a rather extensive sexual history before marriage. He did not discuss this with his wife, nor did she wish to know about it. What was important was their married life together.

A priest once told us in school that at the last judgment, all our sins would be known to everyone else, in order to make manifest God’s justice–except those sins which were confessed and absolved in the sacrament of confession. A visionary once asked Jesus what sins she had confessed in her last confession. He answered, “I don’t remember.”
The confessional is the place for sins to be confessed and forgotten. It is not a kindness to burden a spouse with what should not be her burden.

It is only in recent decades that the philosophy of “tell all” has become so widespread. I do not think it has helped marriages.

This is one of the most twisted perspectives I’ve heard from a Catholic.

I’ll highlight the bolded comment. You seem to neglect a spouse actually being the victim of the sin! Do you realize sin is an injustice, which has various levels of harm to others???

When one sins, and mortally, they forfeit the right of reproach. And in fact have recourse through those primarily hurt.

Strictly speaking, and at the bare minimum, we are assured forgiveness if taken humbly to the Sacrament. And a priest is bound to not expose sins.

Many times, sin directly affects people, and sometimes with great consequences. The law of Christ allows one another great comfort through the Holy Spirit. He can minister peace and wisdom through others.

Part of the act of contrition is “I firmly intend, with Your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin.”

“Do penance” involves making amends.

A husband and wife have a very special relationship. And one can cause great harm to the other, and if not confessed can build into a fragile relationship.

If a spouse sees their beloved struggling with sin, and recognizes refraining from Eucharist as a sign for intervention, then they have walked by faith and inquired for the well being of the other.

You seem quite anti-inquisition. Even for the good of the other.

Also, this particular situation is of a person not receiving Eucharist, so don’t bother with the sermon about the Sacrament being the issue.

 

[rcwitness]

It is only in recent decades that the philosophy of “tell all” has become so widespread. I do not think it has helped marriages.

The enemy of marriages is not honesty, but hardness of hearts.

 

[JimG]

When it comes to the spouse being the victim of sin, that may or may not be the case. The husband may be refraining from communion because of some other sin entirely that has nothing to do with the spouse. He might be refraining for a reason that has nothing to do with sin at all.

But what if the spouse is a victim of a sin that is unknown to her? Should her spouse burden her with additional hurt which could have been avoided, simply to ease his own guilt? That’s a separate question and the answer is, it depends. I’ve seen marriages needlessly destroyed by needless confession.

Sincere contrition and the sacrament of reconciliation is not hardness of heart.

 

[TheLittleLady]

You seem to neglect a spouse actually being the victim of the sin!

Back to the Canon Law, we do not have to reveal our sins to anyone, even to the victims of the sin. Of course, if you are a victim spouse, you already know that your spouse did to you. How can one be a victim of something they do not know about. At least until they know about the sin/crime, they are not standing there saying “but I am a victim of an unknown thing”

 

[TheLittleLady]

“Do penance” involves making amends.

Amends does not mean revelation.

Your feelings on this are very strong. When you marry, make sure your intend spouse agrees with you way before you pick out rings.

 

[rcwitness]

Even if my spouse agrees, a heard hearted spouse will still judge.

 

[tafan2]

When married, you become one in the eyes of God. There should be no secrets, lies, misconceptions, holding back truth, nothing! If your spouse asks you a question pertaining to anything, the only answer is the truth

Yes, the examples are not directly relevant to this thread. But they are relevant to your quote (boldness added):

When married, you become one in the eyes of God. There should be no secrets, lies, misconceptions, holding back truth, nothing! If your spouse asks you a question pertaining to anything, the only answer is the truth

But they are relevant to the arguments made on this thread in my opinion. It is this mistaken ideal of complete openness between spouses which causes one to think that the question “why did you not go to communion” is ok. It is the same question as “what did you confess”. So out of place. So backing up to examples of “secrets” from a spouse that are justified, but seemingly unrelated, will possibly break the ice for some and they will see that something is wrong with their ideal of what marriage is all about.

Yes spouses are their to help each other get to heaven. If a person does a sinful action and does not realize it, fraternal correction should come from a spouse. If a person needs some help on a moral issue, requesting the help from a spouse is a wonderful thing. But that is different. If someone abstains from communion, he/she obviously knows they did wrong. Fraternal correction not needed. If no help on a moral issue has been requested, a spouse should not probe (ok, I understand there are exceptions if there is suspected infidelity). The spouse asking the question, assuming it is not innocently asked as in the OP, is likely either just being nosy or try to put the person on the spot and interrogate them. I can see no other motivation.

 

[twf]

There are plenty of things that one would potentially keep from one’s spouse. If you sinned against chasity, for example, (not necessarily cheating / other person involved), a priest may even advise you to keep it to yourself.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I know priests might advise it because we’ve been over this before in discussions, but I am finding it difficult to square such advice with
a) the teaching at my pre-Cana workshop where they stressed trust and open communication
b) the teaching in the Catechism where it says that any lie is a sin and have done away with the old exception for people who didn’t have a right to the information. Under the old information, one could argue that spouse didn’t have a right to ask you what you said in confession (as someone else said they were taught, back in the day). But now that’s gone out the window.

So it would seem that if your spouse asks you now, you have two options:

1. Just tell them, which I personally always found a lot easier, especially since I was 99 percent certain my husband wasn’t going to end our marriage over whatever it was and I would rather him hear it from me than via gossip or on the witness stand;

OR

1. make some statement like a few people have suggested, “Honey, I prefer to keep my confessions private between me and the priest, and I hope you’ll respect that” which is fine if your spouse is on the same page and you’re prepared to grant them the same courtesy.

You can’t lie or obfuscate though.