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jonathan_hili
Guest
98%!!! Have you kept count?
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silentfactor80
Guest
I have read a lot on this subject but no personal experience. My belief on the sexual experience is that God gave it to us as a way to give ourselves to our spouse. The male orgasm is not for the male but the female. The female orgasm is not for the female but the male. Your genitals whether male (ignore stereotypes) or female are not your primary sex organs. Your mind is the physical center and your soul is the spiritual center. When you surrender your mind to your spouse you step outside your body and into theirs. You are connected to them in a most intimate way.
That being said, as a guy I am and must be all about the female half in the relationship. That is what a man does in a relationship. He needs to be all about her in a Song of Songs kind of way. A man must reflect on his wife in a reverent and verbally poetic way. Every guy has it in them but letting it out makes us feel extremely vulnerable (often overlooked necessity for relationship) and due to societal conditioning many guys avoid going to depths they must to rock the wife’s world. Its unfortunate because many of the greatest poets / songwriters were men.
That being said foreplay is a great idea and having the husband reflect on his wife at the beginning is a great way to fire her up. When she feels like she is the center focus of all his intention it psychologically primes her for pleasure. Any physical acts becomes quite pleasurable and women like men have multiple erogenous zones. Try sensual massages too since it relaxes you which is necessary for female orgasm.
The more one focuses on satisfying another the less important ones own pleasure becomes. Focusing on you will also help him last longer and make his big moment MUCH more intense. If he isn’t screaming your name from the roof somethings wrong lol
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Debora123
Guest
I have read a lot on this subject but no personal experience. My belief on the sexual experience is that God gave it to us as a way to give ourselves to our spouse. The male orgasm is not for the male but the female. The female orgasm is not for the female but the male. Your genitals whether male (ignore stereotypes) or female are not your primary sex organs. Your mind is the physical center and your soul is the spiritual center. When you surrender your mind to your spouse you step outside your body and into theirs. You are connected to them in a most intimate way.
That being said, as a guy I am and must be all about the female half in the relationship. That is what a man does in a relationship. He needs to be all about her in a Song of Songs kind of way. A man must reflect on his wife in a reverent and verbally poetic way. Every guy has it in them but letting it out makes us feel extremely vulnerable (often overlooked necessity for relationship) and due to societal conditioning many guys avoid going to depths they must to rock the wife’s world. Its unfortunate because many of the greatest poets / songwriters were men.
That being said foreplay is a great idea and having the husband reflect on his wife at the beginning is a great way to fire her up. When she feels like she is the center focus of all his intention it psychologically primes her for pleasure. Any physical acts becomes quite pleasurable and women like men have multiple erogenous zones. Try sensual massages too since it relaxes you which is necessary for female orgasm.
The more one focuses on satisfying another the less important ones own pleasure becomes. Focusing on you will also help him last longer and make his big moment MUCH more intense. If he isn’t screaming your name from the roof somethings wrong lol
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PaulGH
Guest
Some ideas, though you may have tried these already:
- As other have said, make sure that he is giving you stimulation before and/or after the act of intercourse. Also try different positions during intercourse.
- Make it a special occasion. Go away for a romantic weekend getaway, and make sure that you leave any potential sources of stress behind (e.g., leave any internet-connected devices at home). Maybe abstain for at least a few days beforehand to build up the anticipation.
- Have a glass of wine before getting together with your husband.
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jonathan_hili
Guest
Haha indeed, Paul! A glass or two of wine is a good idea.
Relaxation and loosening up a little with definitely help!
Relaxation and loosening up a little with definitely help!
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The_Bucket
Guest
Men do this? I’m pretty sure my wife would tell me to shut up. Which is ironic… and I’ll leave it there.If he isn’t screaming your name from the roof somethings wrong lol
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silentfactor80
Guest
Figure of speech my dear Bucket! They use it many times in the Bible. It signifies an intense out pouring of love and honor.
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mommamaree
Guest
We have to be careful not to assume anything about the wife’s motivations here. Many wives have been sexually abused or mistreated, even by their husbands. Their husbands may have done so out of ignorance of female sexuality, or because of a sex addiction, and may feel great remorse when they are properly educated. Even still, these women are struggling with the burden of having been used and coerced or manipulated into doing things that made them feel like trash, and it can take years to heal from that, even if their husband reforms his behavior.I’m with your wife on this. There are times when I’m not in the mood, and he is. Instead of saying no, I just have sex with him anyway without the intent of having an orgasm. And it’s still good because I still enjoy the closeness and I still take enjoyment out of his enjoyment. Everyone wins.
That’s why I don’t understand why some wives plain refuse to have sex with their husbands for no legitimate reason other than they are simply not really feeling up to it. Really? You can’t take 5 minutes out of your evening to have a little quicky with your husband to make him happy?
For some women, a “quickie” would cause flashbacks and would remind them forcibly of their being used by someone who is supposed to love her. So they may refuse in order to protect their dignity and their delicate reproductive organs from injury and to remind their husband that sexual intercourse should be a mutually enjoyable experience.
Even in Christian marriages, this happens often enough to be a valid reason for refusal. So many Christian men have been porn users and have acted out what they have witnessed on their wives. Porn is not a model of authentic female sexuality. So porn contributes to this problem, too.
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mommamaree
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I agree. Orgasm is incredibly important for many women. Some even might feel used if an orgasm was impossible for her but expected for him, especially if he doesn’t attempt to make it happen for her. All couples are different, of course, so we cannot make any assumptions about what is or is not important for anyone, nor about their motivations. So I am glad you addressed that question about female needs. Thank you.
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silentfactor80
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Not every woman in the world has been “forced” as you say. That would be rape and the number last I saw was 1 in 5 women which means 20%. That is by no means a majority. I agree that porn is a horrible model of female sexuality but it is also a perversion of male sexuality too.
I also think many girls are naive about love thanks to parents parking their little girls in front of the Disney movies for hours which created a fairy-tale ending in their minds about love. The princes in Snow White and Cinderella didn’t even have real names!!! In many ways the romance novels you read (ehem…50 Shades of Grey), the soap opera’s, and Disney movies are all “female porn.” These literary works exploit female sexuality for profit in the same way porn does to male sexuality. They all have some grossly exaggerated love plot where the guy either stupidly risks his life (sorry not slaying a dragon for any woman) or does something incredibly moronic to “prove his love.” Porn is horrible because we can physically see the result but when a woman thinks it nothing to divorce her husband b/c he won’t play 50 Shades I think it is her that needs a talking to. I think its about time women start proving their love is real and not some endless unrealistic fantasy they are trying to suck a guy into. I know lots of women that expect guys to spend huge amounts of money on them and the guy stupidly ends up in hole or dumped when a richer guy comes along.
Before the misogyny police come out in full force I thought I would clarify the following:
- I do not condone porno use by any means or for any reason. It horribly hurts women AND men.
- My attitude toward sex is “ladies first” because God blesses men with women and it is up to us to reciprocate that blessing as best we can. If a woman is not in the mood for sexual intimacy there are other ways for a man to express his love. Just get creative.
- There is nothing wrong with what Debora123 said if a woman is OK with a quickie. Sex isn’t only about orgasms. It is as I said earlier about giving to your other.
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Imryl
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What? Rare is the day that I don’t have an orgasm. No external stimulation necessary.
Is that really a problem for some women? I understand if it were hormonal.
Is that really a problem for some women? I understand if it were hormonal.
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mommamaree
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I never said a majority of women, I said “many”. Nothing I said contradicts anything Debora said. I just cautioned against assuming anything negative about a wife’s motives, since she expressed her concern about why a woman might be opposed to a quickie.
Regarding the rest of your post, I certainly hope you were not addressing me personally. I have never read 50 Shades, and I grew up in GenX. We were not fed a constant stream of fairy tale romances. I am adamantly opposed to the no fault divorce concept. So I guess I am not seeing where or why you were disagreeing with me, or where you saw my opinion was at fault.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
I’m sure that he would still finish even if I didn’t enjoy it, he has before. But while it physically feels good he is not happy with the experience unless we both completely enjoy it. He feels like it was incomplete, like something was missing, and sometimes, even if he shouldn’t, he’ll even feel guilty.I don’t know if my husband would or not, quite honestly. It usually isn’t an issue for guys to orgasm. My guess is he would probably still enjoy it though, as long as he didn’t get the “blue” thing.
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JackieMom
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No, it’s normal for most women, not problematic. The female clitoris is analogous to the male penis. The interior of the vagina is not very sensitive at all. The majority of women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. If you are one of the lucky few that can orgasm solely due to the thrusting of the male, that’s awesome! But it’s unusual. I usually orgasm during intercourse, too, but my husband has to get creative to make sure all the bases are covered ; )
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silentfactor80
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I am from GenY so I was talking about my generation which is of marrying age now. Not sure what the rest are here. My issue was with your claim that many men just use their wife like a pornstar. Just wanted to get it out there that women use their husbands in other ways and that neither are acceptable. Something men and women need to work on together.I never said a majority of women, I said “many”. Nothing I said contradicts anything Debora said. I just cautioned against assuming anything negative about a wife’s motives, since she expressed her concern about why a woman might be opposed to a quickie.
Regarding the rest of your post, I certainly hope you were not addressing me personally. I have never read 50 Shades, and I grew up in GenX. We were not fed a constant stream of fairy tale romances. I am adamantly opposed to the no fault divorce concept. So I guess I am not seeing where or why you were disagreeing with me, or where you saw my opinion was at fault.
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silentfactor80
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First bold:
Unless you have an accessible G-spot and are in the right position to have the male stimulate it. The male equivalent is the prostate.
Second bold:
The only base that matters is the one that feeds the rest. Your husband has probably figured out that it is between your ears. If that one is taken care the rest fall into place like dominoes.
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mommamaree
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Please be careful with your wording when you are attributing claims to me. I did not say things in such a crass way. And I wasn’t putting men down.
The reality is that many women have been sexually mistreated by their husbands. This means that many men have mistreated their wives. No where did I say it was a majority. But unfortunately, this is not a rare problem. It would take a minute of searching here at CAF to turn up dozens of threads on this topic, and about a minute to find articles at Catholic Education Resource Center on this topic.
Porn causes problems for both husbands and wives with respect to orgasming. Men struggle with premature ejaculation or impotence, etc. when they attempt natural lovemaking with their wives. Women struggle with injuries or frigidity, etc. based on rough handling or mistreatment. These problems are becoming more and more common.
I am not putting anyone down. I am simply acknowledging one reason why it is important to not make assumptions about a wife’s motivation for refusing a “quickie”.
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silentfactor80
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Of coarse you will find dozens of articles on a Catholic forum about women that have husbands who look at porn. Where else would a practicing Catholic woman go? And I am not saying a lot of guys don’t have a problem with porn. As far as injuries go, unless you have hard data to prove I am skeptical of that.
I think you fail to consider that more and more women are now using porn too though they tend to favor woman + woman porn. Many women don’t have a problem with men using porn (approval). It is still wrong regardless but porn wouldn’t exist without women either.
If a guy has been solicited his entire life by loose women he is going to draw the conclusion that that is the way it is. When I was in HS I had a friend that asked me to get her drunk and have fun. I told her HELL NO GET LOST and she cried about it. If I was a clueless guy I might think that’s the way girls are so I have to be that way too. Thankfully I wasn’t and still am not.
Also, part of the reason many women have problems with sex is psychological. A woman simply cannot get aroused if her husband is not her fantasy rockstar. Many women’s definition of “fantasy rockstar husband” is influenced by the forms of media I previously mentioned so you have to take that into consideration. In my generation there are lots of kooky women that like a guy to go 50 Shades on them. My friend had his wife hand him that book and wanted him to enact it for her. What kind of message do you think that send men about women?
You may be shocked but men actually do listen to women. The problem is ya’ll get upset when you get what you want and find out it is not really what you want. You personally may be an exception but a majority of women are just as messed up as a majority of guys. Sadly the minority never gets media coverage. We are boring.
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HumblePilgrim
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Count me in the “never had one ever with my husband” box. Hormones are normal, no psychological issues with sex or with my husband. Just never happened with him (or anyone…I was not Catholic before I was married and am a convert).
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mommamaree
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I edited your post so that I could respond more easily to the points you raise.
1 - This proves my initial point, that it is not rare. Many women are experiencing the fallout of being abused by their husbands and many men are addicted to porn. That is all that I have asserted. That “many” women and men have been affected by this problem in their marriage.
2 - Why do I need to provide “hard data”? It is a reality that is commonly known that women can and do get injured if they are penetrated before their bodies are adequately prepared and natural lubrication is present (or artificial lubrication is applied). Labia can and do tear, as can the tissue of the vagina. This happens all the time to rape victims, but it also occurs often enough to women who are coerced into over frequent or rough sex. This is why men need to be educated prior to marriage about how to lovingly prepare their wives for intercourse.
3 - I have not failed to consider anything, silentfactor. My initial and subsequent posts have all been about a valid reason why a wife may refuse a quickie. I am making no other point.
4 - bolded red statement of yours is offensive. Even if problems might be psychological sometimes, that does not mean that a wife is guilty of any kind of sinful attitude, especially the one you describe. And in case you missed it earlier, I know nothing about 50 Shades, so whatever point you are trying to make about it here is totally lost on me. I don’t even know what “going all 50 Shades on her” might be referring to.
5 - Your last point assumes too much. I do know that men do listen to women. Amazingly, some husbands do listen and care deeply about their wives and still accidentally get it wrong when it comes to understanding female sexuality. They can do harm to their beloved because of ignorance. When they know better, they do better.
And just in case you missed this other point earlier, too, I am not putting down men, and I am not painting victims out of women either. I am simply acknowledging a reality that is present, even in the Christian community.
I have tried several times to make my point clear, but just in case it is not clear what I am speaking about, here it is one more time.
While quickies might be appropriate in some marriages, and even mutually enjoyable for the couple, there do exist marriages in which quickies would be inappropriate, due to the fact that the wife has experienced sexual abuse (either at the hands of her husband or someone else). So we shouldn’t make judgements about the motivations of women who refuse to participate in quickies.
There it is. That is the point that I have been attempting to make. That is it.
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