Wife Cheated - I'm so sad

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DonChads

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My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children who are 9 and 12. Last September I logged into her Facebook account and found very sexual explicit messages to a guy she used to go to school with. I approached her and she said nothing happened. She liked the attention she got from him and that it would never happen again. I forgave her.
Last month she took the dog out and when she was outside she received a text. Something told me to check her phone. It was another message from a different guy with more sexual explicate messages. When I approached her she said once again it was a guy she recently met while out with her friends and nothing happened. Just messages.
Through investigating I found out she had been seeing him for 3 months and had sex 4 times. We have had multiple arguments and at one time she had punched me in the head. I had to call the police and almost had her arrested.
She has apologized for her actions but says I never gave enough attention to her. I have always tried to be a good husband and provide for my family. We have set up an appointment for counseling but I just feel like there is no remorse on her end even though she has apologized.
I am so sad and confused on what to do.

Don
 
That’s awful. I get the impression she thinks she can do whatever she wants, say “sorry” and then get out of any negative consequences.

First thing I would do is get tested for std’s if you have been intimate with her.

Second, if she hits you again have the police throw her butt in jail. And don’t bail her out. Geez…she hit you in the head. Might want to move out of the house and take the kids.

As far as the counseling goes, I don’t think I would waste my time. She is obviously an unrepentant, abusive liar. I would find a lawyer instead.
 
She physically assaulted you when you confronted her?!
So she committed adultery.
She lied.
She abused you.

As a woman, if my husband had done these things to me, I would take the kids and leave and go live with friends for a while. I would refuse sexually relations with him and get tested for STDs. And I would insist on marital counseling for us, and anger management for him. I would not return to the home until I was certain my husband was repentant and had demonstrated his reform. If he had contracted an STD, it is unlikely that I would ever resume relations with him, even if he had already passed the STD to me.

Is this a reasonable way for you to address this?

I am so sorry. The hurt and betrayal must be very painful.
 
Groo said:
That’s awful. I get the impression she thinks she can do whatever she wants, say “sorry” and then get out of any negative consequences.

First thing I would do is get tested for std’s if you have been intimate with her.

Second, if she hits you again have the police throw her butt in jail. And don’t bail her out. Geez…she hit you in the head. Might want to move out of the house and take the kids.

As far as the counseling goes, I don’t think I would waste my time. She is obviously an unrepentant, abusive liar. I would find a lawyer instead.
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This!

Also, please keep her in your prayers and come to Mass every Sunday and receive healing through confession and the most Holy Eucharist! God loves you, you are in my prayers my friend. I have also been cheated on in my past after a long relationship and it hurts, but put your trust in God and keep praying.

God Bless You! Your Brother in Christ,

BVMFatima
 
Thank you for the replies and the prayers. I have been praying as well. I fall asleep with a rosary in my hands every night.

I did immediately get checked for STD’s a couple weeks ago. It was very humiliating to go to the doctors and ask for this test. Everything came out fine though.

I feel like I’m living in a terrible nightmare.
 
DonChads said:
Thank you for the replies and the prayers. I have been praying as well. I fall asleep with a rosary in my hands every night.

I did immediately get checked for STD’s a couple weeks ago. It was very humiliating to go to the doctors and ask for this test. Everything came out fine though.

I feel like I’m living in a terrible nightmare.
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Praise God you are healthy! I thank God for that amazing blessing! You also mentioned you fall asleep with a Rosary everynight, and this is something I do also! Nothing to be ashamed of 🙂

Keep praying my friend, this might seem its a nightmare but the Lord is by our side. Your wife is going through a difficult time which is why she is reacting the way she is. Pray for her and forgive her. Pray, hope, and do not worry! Have faith! 🙂

God Bless You! Your Brother in Christ Jesus the Lord,

BVMFatima
 
The best thing to do is to get a divorce. She lied to you several times, that’s one, follow that by hitting you when you confronted her, and to top it all of she was unfaithful being sleeping with other men while married none less.

The reason why I say to get a divorce is so that your kids don’t see her actions as nothing. If they see now or down the road, that no matter how big her mistake was, a simple I’m sorry fixed it, we’ll that’s not right. I would go down to the fourth house, ask for a divorce before she does and tries to pin this on you.
 
I am so very sorry!
In a non Catholic world I would say ‘once a cheater always a cheater’

In this case I would
  1. pray
    2.follow th advice of the others and get tested for Std’s right away.
  2. Talk to your priest
Talking with a lawyer could follow 😦
My heart goes out to you
,
 
I will suggest that those people who said counseling won’t work are way off base.
I strongly suggest that you make an appointment either with your confessor, or if you don’t have one, with your Pastor. Explain your situation and ask him for a referral to a Catholic Marriage Counselor.
In addition, you have to realize that when most wives cheat on their husbands, it is to get even with them for something, whether it is true or not, it is because they feel set upon for something.
The only answer for a man who is truely a man, is to apologize. It makes no difference who the offended party is, it is always up to the man to do this. There is one caveat to this however: see a marriage counselor first and if and when you apologize, do it in front of the counselor. That way she can’t use it against you in court…if it comes to that!
 
I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I think you have been given very good advice by the other posters, though I wouldn’t move out of the marital home if I was you. Maybe you should tell her to move out until she has addressed all these issues she has with infidelity, lying and violence. This may force her to confront the consequences of her behavior and see what she has to lose.

It is very damaging to our sense of self when a beloved treats us the way she has treated you, so don’t let go of the fact that you are a good man, a good husband and a good father. Her behavior is no reflection on you, so don’t get down on yourself. Keep praying for strength and guidance for the way forward. She sounds very immature and attention seeking and as though she needs the admiration of random men to feel good about herself, which is a bit tragic when she has a husband and family. Time she grew up!

I don’t think you should expect to be able to forgive her straight away; she would have to earn your trust and respect by showing you she is committed to you and your marriage and family. That is not going to happen overnight, so be prepared for tough times ahead. You sound like a very kind and sweet natured person, so maybe you need to toughen up too and show her that she has put her marriage and family in serious danger and you don’t deserve this treatment and won’t put up with it. Time for some tough love I think.

But I know how hard it is…you’ll get through it. She should count herself very lucky to have a good Catholic husband. Will keep you both in my prayers.
 
In addition, you have to realize that when most wives cheat on their husbands, it is to get even with them for something, whether it is true or not, it is because they feel set upon for something.
The only answer for a man who is truely a man, is to apologize. It makes no difference who the offended party is, it is always up to the man to do this. There is one caveat to this however: see a marriage counselor first and if and when you apologize, do it in front of the counselor. That way she can’t use it against you in court…if it comes to that!

That’s the most bizarre piece of advice I have ever read!

Why should the poster apologise to a woman who has been unfaithful, lied to and abused him? That will just set him up for more of the same the next time she feels bored or in need of an ego boost. Yes, see a marriage counselor, but his wife needs to take responsibility for her actions and the consequences of her actions if they are to be able to move on from this episode.

How could apologising make him ‘truly a man’? Truly a doormat, maybe, and she will just wipe her feet on him.
 
Dear Don, I agree with George, divorce and seeking lawyers is NOT the first option. Prayer and seeking the guidance of your Pastor is the first step. You should try to resolve things if possible.
 
I’m all for a man showing his authority by being the servant of all… but apologizing is not being a servant. It’s being a doormat. It’s supplicating to evil deeds.

A man would treat this as a serious, serious offense against marriage and God. A man would stand up for himself and his children. A man would eventually forgive and accept repentance and slowly allow trust to be won back if the offending spouse makes that effort.

A man in this case doesn’t just apologize for no reason anymore than a battered woman should apologize for “making” her abusive husband hit her.
 
I am praying for you and your family.

The cheating, lying and** hitting is devastating and you need to know there is help. If you do not know about the National Domestic Violence Hotline you can call 800.787.3224 and check out thehotline.org/ There was an extremely violent relationship I had to leave and the people here helped me immensely. I also recommend meeting with your Priest so he can give you the guidance you need. Of course, I would try my best to show the other party love by living my faith; mass as frequently as possible, confession and take the children with you. Invite your wife to go if you both do not go together already. When my ex was arrested I called the first Catholic Priest I could get ahold of and gave him my ex’s phone number to see if that would help him - maybe you can figure this part out with your Priest and invite your wife to speak with her own Spiritual Advisor.

It is actually recommended that people in abusive relationships, not just physically abusive, do NOT attend marriage/couples counseling together because of the cycle of abuse. Not only did she hit you, but her lying and blaming you for her actions of cheating are emotional abuse. Also, there is a book I recommend called “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. In the introduction the author states that, despite the title, the book is geared towards all people, men or women, who are currently in an abusive relationship.
 
:
The_Bucket said:
I’m all for a man showing his authority by being the servant of all… but apologizing is not being a servant. It’s being a doormat. It’s supplicating to evil deeds.

A man would treat this as a serious, serious offense against marriage and God. A man would stand up for himself and his children. A man would eventually forgive and accept repentance and slowly allow trust to be won back if the offending spouse makes that effort.

A man in this case doesn’t just apologize for no reason anymore than a battered woman should apologize for “making” her abusive husband hit her.
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Couldn’t agree more
👍
 
I am sorry to learn that you have to work through such unfaithfulness and betrayal. *
A terrible part of this situation is that although your spouse has done you, her children, and her marriage wrong with her unfaithful actions (which seem to be a habit) she is blaming you for her immoral behavior when she says you caused it because you did not pay enough attention to her. There were other* ways of working this through if it* was** true.*
Where there is* blaming*** others for ones own bad behavior there is avoidance of responsibility which adds to the her deception and prevents growth. There’s* a huge lie in all of this which leads to confusion because darkness is at work. The father of all lies has a foothold in your home! Do not gloss over what has taken place in the hope that everything will just magically change and go away… it will not.
This gal needs a genuine sense of her wrong doing the hurt she is and can cause others and sincere repentance for the sins she has committed. It may ***be wise to keep your distance until she does so. You will know if she does by her actions! Focus on your children and let her fix herself. You can not change anyone. They change themselves when they are ready.
Therapy may be help later.
 
I am sorry to learn that you have to work through such unfaithfulness and betrayal. *
A terrible part of this situation is that although your spouse has done you, her children, and her marriage wrong with her unfaithful actions (which seem to be a habit) she is blaming you for her immoral behavior when she says you caused it because you did not pay enough attention to her. There were other* ways of working this through if it* was** true.*
Where there is* blaming*** others for ones own bad behavior there is avoidance of responsibility which adds to her deceitfulness and prevents growth. There’s* a huge lie in all of this which leads to confusion because darkness is at work. The father of all lies has a foothold in your home! Do not gloss over what has taken place in the hope that everything will just magically change and go away… it will not.
This gal needs a genuine sense of her wrong doing the hurt she is and can cause others and sincere repentance for the sins she has committed. It may ***be wise to keep your distance until she does so. You will know if she does by her actions! Focus on your children and let her fix herself. You can not change anyone. They change themselves when they are ready.
Therapy may be help later.
 
DonChads said:
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children who are 9 and 12. Last September I logged into her Facebook account and found very sexual explicit messages to a guy she used to go to school with. I approached her and she said nothing happened. She liked the attention she got from him and that it would never happen again. I forgave her.
Last month she took the dog out and when she was outside she received a text. Something told me to check her phone. It was another message from a different guy with more sexual explicate messages. When I approached her she said once again it was a guy she recently met while out with her friends and nothing happened. Just messages.
Through investigating I found out she had been seeing him for 3 months and had sex 4 times. We have had multiple arguments and at one time she had punched me in the head. I had to call the police and almost had her arrested.
She has apologized for her actions but says I never gave enough attention to her. I have always tried to be a good husband and provide for my family. We have set up an appointment for counseling but I just feel like there is no remorse on her end even though she has apologized.
I am so sad and confused on what to do.

Don
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Pack her bag and change the locks. Leave it on the doorstep and make arrangements for your Children with neighbours to take and drop them at school and collect whilst you are at work.

It will either make or break your marriage but you will ensure she does not do it again or take for granted the blessings the LORD has given her.

I am really sad for your pain and suffering because I do realise this has hit you badly.
But sometimes the right actions shock them into reality that lust is not good when you are homeless and lost what really matters.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
In addition, you have to realize that when most wives cheat on their husbands, it is to get even with them for something, whether it is true or not, it is because they feel set upon for something.
The only answer for a man who is truely a man, is to apologize. It makes no difference who the offended party is, it is always up to the man to do this. There is one caveat to this however: see a marriage counselor first and if and when you apologize, do it in front of the counselor. That way she can’t use it against you in court…if it comes to that!
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Talk about backward thinking. Women are vindictive, so it is the job of men to apologize and be doormats. Usually, vindictiveness is considered a bad thing. It isn’t his job to take this. He needs to stand up for himself. Maybe he should get a lawyer and consider divorce if she is unwilling to own up to what she has done and truely repent. There is no reason for a woman to punch a man. That is abuse, and she is to blame no matter how much she claims it is his fault. If she can’t prove her repentance and actually change, then he should take the kids and leave. File for divorce and full custody. She is an abuser and shouldn’t be responsible for children.
 
You did nothing wrong. She abused you. You have nothing to apologize for.

I would also suggest having a DNA test done on your children.
 
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