Wife Cheated - I'm so sad

[Bruised_Reed]

(…)

I would also suggest having a DNA test done on your children.

Why?

 

[jimmy]

You did nothing wrong. She abused you. You have nothing to apologize for.

I would also suggest having a DNA test done on your children.

I would avoid the DNA test no matter what. He has raised the kids for the last 12 years as his own, and he should just assume they are his at this point. They are his. What should he do if they turn out not to be his? Abandon them? That isn’t an option.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Dear Don, I agree with George, divorce and seeking lawyers is NOT the first option. Prayer and seeking the guidance of your Pastor is the first step. You should try to resolve things if possible.

Seeking the advice from a lawyer doesn’t mean he has to do something immediately but it’s good to know one’s rights and responcibilities.

But a word to the wise - lawyers like to actually do something, not chat, so there might be some pressure to move forward with a divorce or some other legal action. In a situation like this I would like to know what my options are in case the other person makes a legal move as well.

 

[Ducklyn]

You did nothing wrong. She abused you. You have nothing to apologize for.

I would also suggest having a DNA test done on your children.

No do not have a DNA test on your children. They did nothing wrong and you will love them no differently but could cause yourself and them more suffering.
Joseph was not the Father of Jesus but he raised the Son of God.
You are the Father of your children please do not do this to them,

 

[Steve_Jay]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children who are 9 and 12. Last September I logged into her Facebook account and found very sexual explicit messages to a guy she used to go to school with. I approached her and she said nothing happened. She liked the attention she got from him and that it would never happen again. I forgave her.
Last month she took the dog out and when she was outside she received a text. Something told me to check her phone. It was another message from a different guy with more sexual explicate messages. When I approached her she said once again it was a guy she recently met while out with her friends and nothing happened. Just messages.
Through investigating I found out she had been seeing him for 3 months and had sex 4 times. We have had multiple arguments and at one time she had punched me in the head. I had to call the police and almost had her arrested.
She has apologized for her actions but says I never gave enough attention to her. I have always tried to be a good husband and provide for my family. We have set up an appointment for counseling but I just feel like there is no remorse on her end even though she has apologized.
I am so sad and confused on what to do.

Don

Hello Don,
I don’t quite know how to put this. I’m going to go with what’s in my mind as it comes.
One of the things I’m taking in to account is that this is an Internet forum. Some are saying get a divorce.
I am not going to try and justify what your wife has done. There are other things in my head too. You got married and declared to God your love for each other. Either the love was there or it wasn’t. Can you forgive your wife for what she has done? That would be proof of your love for her.
You say you have provided for your wife and family but have you given your wife the attention she needs? It isn’t about possessions. Her bad behaviour might be through feeling rejected. You might have become too involved with what you think is your part.
Whatever you do will also have an affect on your children. Your wife chose you to be the father of her children…
It isn’t easy to give correct advise because we only have it in words only from your side of things.
I would suggest that both of you have words with a priest and try and rediscover what you had at the beginning.
I can’t say any more than that.
We can pray that things will work for the best.

 

[pollynova]

No do not have a DNA test on your children. They did nothing wrong and you will love them no differently but could cause yourself and them more suffering.
Joseph was not the Father of Jesus but he raised the Son of God.
You are the Father of your children please do not do this to them,

Well, proper medical history for starters.

Edited to add: Joseph also knew he was not Jesus’s biological father.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Well, proper medical history for starters.

Edited to add: Joseph also knew he was not Jesus’s biological father.

Unless the need for an organ transplant or serious medical issues are imminant I don’t see an urgent need to do a DNA test. The only thing it will tell the OP is that he is or is not the biological father; it won’t tell him who is. Then what?

What about the kids? They are old enough to know that blood is being taken from them and to ask why and even tell mom. The kids don’t need to wrestle with this right now. It would be better for dad to do everything he can to demonstrate that there is no question who their “real” dad is and one way is by leaving this alone. They won’t forget that.

 

[pollynova]

Unless the need for an organ transplant or serious medical issues are imminant I don’t see an urgent need to do a DNA test. The only thing it will tell the OP is that he is or is not the biological father; it won’t tell him who is. Then what?

What about the kids? They are old enough to know that blood is being taken from them and to ask why and even tell mom. The kids don’t need to wrestle with this right now. It would be better for dad to do everything he can to demonstrate that there is no question who their “real” dad is and one way is by leaving this alone. They won’t forget that.

There are multiple reasons beyond organ donation.

And I realize it’s a what-if situation, but I still think it should be done.

 

[sharon46]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children who are 9 and 12. Last September I logged into her Facebook account and found very sexual explicit messages to a guy she used to go to school with. I approached her and she said nothing happened. She liked the attention she got from him and that it would never happen again. I forgave her.
Last month she took the dog out and when she was outside she received a text. Something told me to check her phone. It was another message from a different guy with more sexual explicate messages. When I approached her she said once again it was a guy she recently met while out with her friends and nothing happened. Just messages.
Through investigating I found out she had been seeing him for 3 months and had sex 4 times. We have had multiple arguments and at one time she had punched me in the head. I had to call the police and almost had her arrested.
She has apologized for her actions but says I never gave enough attention to her. I have always tried to be a good husband and provide for my family. We have set up an appointment for counseling but I just feel like there is no remorse on her end even though she has apologized.
I am so sad and confused on what to do.

Don

Hello Don,

I am so sorry for the emotional pain and struggles you are going through. In reading some of the comments, I find one very sad that mentions “get a divorce”. Though God tells us that he allows us to Divorce when one or the other cheats/has sexual relations outside marriage, let me remind you that God hates divorce. He hates it because it tears apart our families, our childrens lives are broken, and what God joined together, let no one come between. I too, like you, suffered immensly when I found out my husband of nearly 20 years, had been cheating our entire marriage. It’s a long story without getting into details, in a nutshell he was a sex addict. He was with 100’s of women over the years. There are NO words to describe nearly 6 years after the divorce, the trials I have been through and overcoming the experience of finding this all out. After I found out what he was involved in, my attempts to stay married while attending counseling through the church, his SAA classes (sex addiction 12 step program) and myself counseling also with COSA (co-dependents of sex addicts) I can tell you I gave it a try for 2 more years. After still seeing the signs of his cheating, it was only then that my sister told me he isn’t going to change that I needed to leave this marriage before it killed me. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do since I was raised catholic and divorce was’nt an option for me. I was committed to this man, my family & my marriage.

I would never want to be responsible to GOD to give you advise like others did here and tell you to divorce. I would encourage you to become the man God intended you to be, the Spiritual leader of the family and take charge of what Satan is attempting to do, and that is to destroy and tear up your family. Take every avenue you can to save your marriage. Pray the Rosary every day, ask our Blessed mother to consecrate your heart, your wives heart, your childrens heart to her immaculate heart and to her sons immaculate heart. The rosary is a powerful weapon, for you cannot attempt to piece your marriage back together on your own. Believe me I tried and failed even though I had faith in God that he could work a miracle in my husbands life, but he wasn’t ready to change. I encourage you to listen to “immaculate heart radio station” in your area as they say the most beautiful rosary in the morning, in the afternoon and on your way home from work. It is put together so beautifully that each time I hear it, there is a unforseen power that brings me to tears.

Remember, above all, you have the authority over satan, but without using the spiritual weapons that we are given from above, he will rip you and your beautiful family apart. Attempt to stay focused to the heavens and not to your wives actions. Watch how powerful the Rosary is when you meditate on the decades of Jesus life. You hold the key, your given the divine destiny by God to be the leader of your family! Stand in your faith and fight this spiritual warfare with the greatest weapon on earth…The Rosary!

May you find Peace in your heart and may your marriage be repaired so much so that only you can say that it was by Divine Mercy & Grace that through our precious mother in heaven, your prayer requests by asking her to pray for YOU will be answered by her precious son and our Savior Jesus Christ!

Sharon

 

[DonChads]

Last night we had a huge argument again.

She told me I deserved this and she is not sorry for her actions. However she still wants to see a councilor.
She also told me if we get divorced she does not want full custody of the kids. I think my wife has a mental issue or something snapped in her head…

 

[chero23]

Don, I still believe that you need to get a divorce. When you guys have arguments, are the kids around? Look, you don’t need to be a martyr, and sticking around with her. By the sound of it you have what it takes to be a great father to your 2 kids. Yes prayer is always good, but it seems to me, that you must take that extra step and getting a divorce.

 

[The_Bucket]

I think my wife has a mental issue or something snapped in her head…

Probably. Or, what’s also quite possible, is that she’s projecting. You deserve this? Really? That’s either someone who is a total narcissist or his so ashamed about what she’s done that she’s projecting blame everywhere so she doesn’t have to look at her own sin. Yeah I know about that latter one.

I dived way deep into pornography and my anger projected out onto everyone else. Underneath it all I knew I was the problem but I didn’t want to actually deal with it. That said, I never told my wife that she was to blame and I was absolutely contrite and have been sober for nearly a year now.

 

[Shin]

Prayers Don… prayers for you and your family…

And deepest sympathies…

 

[Groo]

I am in no position to say what to do, but I would encourage you to continue to ask for help. Explore all of your options; make a plan; and then, most importantly, follow through. Given the abuse, infidelity, and your wife not wanting custody, I think you should strongly consider separation and/or divorce.

It may be that your wife has mental problems, but it seems to me like you are wanting to make excuses for her behavior. I wonder if this is how marriage has gone all along. She does something bad, then pushes the right buttons to make you doubt yourself, and then you forgive her “apology”. I suspect your wife is an expert on manipulating you.

As far as counseling goes, I think you could benefit from individual counseling for yourself. Again, I don’t think I personally would waste time and money on marriage counseling with an unrepentant spouse. An individual therapist could help you determine if marriage counseling is what you need or not.

There comes a time when we men need to stop thinking and praying and start acting. You are capable of acting to protect yourself and your family; just need some help in determining the course of action. What you need to do only you can determine. But letting things go like maybe you have always done is not the answer. If your wife hit you, how do you know she will not hit the kids? It is very strange that a mother would not want custosy of the children. Only you can protect them now. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling right now, but with the help of God and others I know you can deal with this.

 

[Lady_Love]

Can I make a suggestion? I have done much research on marriage and relationships. The best source (besides God himself) is this organization called, “Celebrating Men Satisfying Women.” She goes in depth about the differences between men and women, our needs, how they compliment and how they conflict. She gives you tools to have the most satisfying relationship where both parties are communicating in ways that work and getting their needs met. The founder, Allison Armstrong, has transformed the way I relate to the opposite sex, my husband is truly grateful! I learned how my husband is my hero, wants to be my hero, and I started responding accordingly.

Please, do yourself a favor, and check it out. If possible, go to her retreat. Here is a link:

understandmen.com/men/index.html

look for, “Understanding Women: unlock the mystery”

If you could get your wife to attend the retreat, even better. Turn your wife on to this site too.

 

[sharon46]

Last night we had a huge argument again.

She told me I deserved this and she is not sorry for her actions. However she still wants to see a councilor.
She also told me if we get divorced she does not want full custody of the kids. I think my wife has a mental issue or something snapped in her head…

Oh how I recall the arguments with my x-husband. The comment made by chero23 below, I don’t agree with. While I agree with her comment about not being a martyr and staying, I also believe what Christ tells us about not only forgiving, but forgiving over and over again. Now if she decides to confess her sins and turn away from her sin and she is attempting to make ammends with God, her life and yours, then it deserves a chance for allowing God to work in her and in your marriage with regards to God healing your heart over time. My question is are you equally yokes? Did you both get married in the church? I ask, because mine wasn’t and I can see why God tells us so. As far as arguing in front of the kids, I do hope that you both step out of the house or make a decision for the kids sake to go to a park and talk/yell it out. The kids are the innocent ones here, and remember our children are listening to the only two people they have for role models.

Blessings,
Sharon

 

[DonChads]

To answer the question about hitting the kids, the answer is yes. She has on more than one occasion slapped my daughter in the face. She has also attempted to hit me before and I have fended her off. The reason she connected with this punch was because I was not expecting it. I would call it a “sucker punch”

I have called my lawyer and made an appointment for next week Friday. I will give counseling a try next week Tuesday and see how that goes. As you can see I am in no rush to end this marriage and willing to try. But how much can I take?

BTW- We were married in a Catholic Church.

 

[Sky_Pilot]

The best thing to do is to get a divorce. She lied to you several times, that’s one, follow that by hitting you when you confronted her, and to top it all of she was unfaithful being sleeping with other men while married none less.

The reason why I say to get a divorce is so that your kids don’t see her actions as nothing. If they see now or down the road, that no matter how big her mistake was, a simple I’m sorry fixed it, we’ll that’s not right. I would go down to the fourth house, ask for a divorce before she does and tries to pin this on you.

Sadly, I musst agree with Chero23.
Too many years in law enforcement and paramedic, too many domestic violence calls, and too many of these ended very badly.
She hit you once, she’ll hit you again; she hurt you once, she’ll hurt you again; she lied to you once, she’ll lie to you again.
In a rural community there is a saying about the only cure for a sheep killin’ dog. Once they get the taste of blood … well, that’s true for sheep killin’ dogs, but it illustrates the taste of sin to the sinner.
Throttle back, grab the red handle, pull hard: the bail-out is traumatic but you’ll survive it.
God ride with you, my friend!

 

[silentfactor80]

To answer the question about hitting the kids, the answer is yes. She has on more than one occasion slapped my daughter in the face. She has also attempted to hit me before and I have fended her off. The reason she connected with this punch was because I was not expecting it. I would call it a “sucker punch”

I have called my lawyer and made an appointment for next week Friday. I will give counseling a try next week Tuesday and see how that goes. As you can see I am in no rush to end this marriage and willing to try. But how much can I take?

BTW- We were married in a Catholic Church.

Don’t fend her off. If you bruise her in the process the cops will never believe you didn’t strike first. Also, the way the laws were manipulated by a certain special interest group requires the bigger of 2 be arrested in a DV dispute. My guess it that will be you. I have a friend going through a bad marriage too though thankfully his wife only fights with words (still not good).

The problem you are having is quite widespread these days and since no one believes men there are few support systems for this kind of thing. Society still wants to believe women are the only victims ever so you have to keep that in mind. That is the filter the rest of society will see this as.

My suggestion is take a deep breath, consult a lawyer, and document everything. Start with a separation maybe but don’t leave the house because as the man you will be charged with abandonment. You may also want to consider installing video camera’s in the house and store the video off location. Just in case she tries to play games and make false claims. With video you can hold her for perjury among other things.

Lastly, any time she hits you CALL THE COPS AND HAVE HER ARRESTED! The more we know about this problem publicly the more we can help men with abusive wives and end the discrimination.

 

[Steve_Jay]

To answer the question about hitting the kids, the answer is yes. She has on more than one occasion slapped my daughter in the face. She has also attempted to hit me before and I have fended her off. The reason she connected with this punch was because I was not expecting it. I would call it a “sucker punch”

I have called my lawyer and made an appointment for next week Friday. I will give counseling a try next week Tuesday and see how that goes. As you can see I am in no rush to end this marriage and willing to try. But how much can I take?

BTW- We were married in a Catholic Church.

Hello Don,
please think about this. You are going to give councelling a try next week but you are also going to see a lawer. Let Jesus be her defence. I suggest both of you get more involved with the church and with Christ. Both of you go to mass more and communion more. Allow Jesus to heal both of you. Allow him to unite you.
You have posted that your wife has hit your children. We don’t know how hard that was. We can get a false picture. There is a big negative too. What if your wife were to read what you have been saying? How would she interpret that? What if someone who knows you were to read the posts and were to work out it’s you? They could make things very difficult. Such things have happened on Facebook and on other forums.
What you are telling us should be in confidence with a priest and not for the world to read.
That’s how I see it anyway.

God bless you.