Wife Cheated - I'm so sad

[silentfactor80]

Hello Don,
please think about this. You are going to give councelling a try next week but you are also going to see a lawer. Let Jesus be her defence. I suggest both of you get more involved with the church and with Christ. Both of you go to mass more and communion more. Allow Jesus to heal both of you. Allow him to unite you.
You have posted that your wife has hit your children. We don’t know how hard that was. We can get a false picture. There is a big negative too. What if your wife were to read what you have been saying? How would she interpret that? What if someone who knows you were to read the posts and were to work out it’s you? They could make things very difficult. Such things have happened on Facebook and on other forums.
What you are telling us should be in confidence with a priest and not for the world to read.
That’s how I see it anyway.

God bless you.

There are lots of threads on here about spouses posting things. There is no shame in sharing your troubles. In fact the Bible gives us a chain of command for this.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” Matthew 18:15

“But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” Matthew 18:16

“If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:17

It sounds like he did the first one. Now he is trying the second and third.

 

[Steve_Jay]

There are lots of threads on here about spouses posting things. There is no shame in sharing your troubles. In fact the Bible gives us a chain of command for this.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” Matthew 18:15

“But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” Matthew 18:16

“If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:17

It sounds like he did the first one. Now he is trying the second and third.

It’s his wife. He is prepared to give it go. So what God has joined together why suggest putting it asunder?

 

[silentfactor80]

It’s his wife. He is prepared to give it go. So what God has joined together why suggest putting it asunder?

That is not what I suggested. I said he shouldn’t feel he can’t share his situation with us because someone might figure out who he is as you suggested.

 

[Steve_Jay]

That is not what I suggested. I said he shouldn’t feel he can’t share his situation with us because someone might figure out who he is as you suggested.

As a result of posting his problem, Don has been given all kinds of advice. Some of it very good and some it not so good. What advise should he follow? Take in to consideration that at this time he is confused and with mixed emotions. Seeing a lawer will only help assign his marriage to the scrap heap. That’s what happens when the world is told.

 

[Evania]

She physically assaulted you when you confronted her?!
So she committed adultery.
She lied.
She abused you.

As a woman, if my husband had done these things to me, I would take the kids and leave and go live with friends for a while. I would refuse sexually relations with him and get tested for STDs. And I would insist on marital counseling for us, and anger management for him. I would not return to the home until I was certain my husband was repentant and had demonstrated his reform. If he had contracted an STD, it is unlikely that I would ever resume relations with him, even if he had already passed the STD to me.

Is this a reasonable way for you to address this?

I am so sorry. The hurt and betrayal must be very painful.

Great advice!!!

 

[Evania]

As a result of posting his problem, Don has been given all kinds of advice. Some of it very good and some it not so good. What advise should he follow? Take in to consideration that at this time he is confused and with mixed emotions. Seeing a lawer will only help assign his marriage to the scrap heap. That’s what happens when the world is told.

I see your point, but it’s the wife that is the one assigning the marriage to the trash heap. I’m not going to speculate what’s going on in her head, but this man does need to look into his legal options. What if he isn’t prepared with sound legal advice, and his wife runs off with another man and financially ruins him? What if she takes the kids?
Your concern is valid, and I agree to a point. However, this man needs to protect himself. The OP needs to document the events that led up to this point, and photograph any abuse. Right now she says she doesn’t want full custody of the kids, but her mind could change tomorrow. Yes, in the meantime PRAY! We all would love to see this have a happy outcome. However, you can’t predict what she might legally do, so he needs to get legal advice for him and his kids.

 

[Steve_Jay]

Hello,
It has been pointed out to me that Don’s wife had “assigned their marriage to the scrap heap when she cheated on him and lied about it.”

I wonder how many think like that.

Three of the sacraments come to my mind here. Baptism, Matrimony and Confession.

Being baptised in to the Catholic Church means becoming a member of the Bride of Christ. Christ the Groom. Each and every time we sin we are unfaithful to the Groom. What should Jesus do with us then? Should he assign us to the scrap heap? Should he write us off?

People often tell lies through fear. They might lie because they know they have something that they value could be lost. A person might be genuinely sorry and their actions might be due to a sense that they are loosing what they value.

In this instance, Don has stated that he does not want to assign his marriage to the scrap heap. He clearly has love for his wife. That is why he is hurt. The fear of loosing her marriage might be the lesson his wife needs. She might be feeling that she has lost her marriage already. That could account for her actions.

Don’s healing can be found in giving his hurt to Christ. His wife needs to get to confession and together they need to speak with a priest and take things from there.

May God be with them in this and may their marriage be healed in Christ.

 

[Steve_Jay]

I see your point, but it’s the wife that is the one assigning the marriage to the trash heap. I’m not going to speculate what’s going on in her head, but this man does need to look into his legal options. What if he isn’t prepared with sound legal advice, and his wife runs off with another man and financially ruins him? What if she takes the kids?
Your concern is valid, and I agree to a point. However, this man needs to protect himself. The OP needs to document the events that led up to this point, and photograph any abuse. Right now she says she doesn’t want full custody of the kids, but her mind could change tomorrow. Yes, in the meantime PRAY! We all would love to see this have a happy outcome. However, you can’t predict what she might legally do, so he needs to get legal advice for him and his kids.

Please also see my post above.
you give a few “what ifs” there. I’ll give you only one.

What if Dons’ wife is genuinely repentant?

 

[Evania]

I don’t want the demise of their marriage. I don’t want the demise of any marriage. Did I advise him to divorce her? According to the OP, the wife has repeatedly lied, blamed him for her actions and abused him. Has the wife given him any indication that she is truly repentant? Only he can answer that. I’m assuming that he is being truthful with his posts. Based on the posts he has given, it is wise to have legal advice in case SHE surprises him with a divorce. When spouses have affairs there is always the chance they may desert their husband/wife. Do you think he should know his rights in the case it were to happen?

 

[Ellen_Mary]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children who are 9 and 12. Last September I logged into her Facebook account and found very sexual explicit messages to a guy she used to go to school with. I approached her and she said nothing happened. She liked the attention she got from him and that it would never happen again. I forgave her.
Last month she took the dog out and when she was outside she received a text. Something told me to check her phone. It was another message from a different guy with more sexual explicate messages. When I approached her she said once again it was a guy she recently met while out with her friends and nothing happened. Just messages.
Through investigating I found out she had been seeing him for 3 months and had sex 4 times. We have had multiple arguments and at one time she had punched me in the head. I had to call the police and almost had her arrested.
She has apologized for her actions but says I never gave enough attention to her. I have always tried to be a good husband and provide for my family. We have set up an appointment for counseling but I just feel like there is no remorse on her end even though she has apologized.
I am so sad and confused on what to do.

Don

Don, I am so very sorry to read this, you must be so upset. To have a marriage of 15 years in crisis is awful for you. Personally, and only you can answer this, I’d wait a few days to let the dust settle, then I’d make an appointment with your priest, explain the situation you are in and be guided by him. If you still love your wife and want this marriage to continue, but she can’t be allowed to assult you or have affairs behind your back.

Marriage can be really hard work especially when one of them is being unfaithful. But only you know if you love your wife enough to try again, and to try to keep your family together. I will say prayers for you. Pray for your wife and your marriage. God bless x

 

[Steve_Jay]

I don’t want the demise of their marriage. I don’t want the demise of any marriage. Did I advise him to divorce her? According to the OP, the wife has repeatedly lied, blamed him for her actions and abused him. Has the wife given him any indication that she is truly repentant? Only he can answer that. I’m assuming that he is being truthful with his posts. Based on the posts he has given, it is wise to have legal advice in case SHE surprises him with a divorce. When spouses have affairs there is always the chance they may desert their husband/wife. Do you think he should know his rights in the case it were to happen?

If Don pursues the course you remmend then that’s a sure fire way to end the marriage. Don has stated that he wants to try and save the marriage. If Don takes legal advise then she might clear off with the kids out of fear that she has already lost the marriage.
Let’s try and keep it real. None of us know either Don or his wife. You are judging out of fear.
Why does she blame Don? I stated earlier that Don might have become over involved with what he thinks is his role in the marriage at a worldly level. Just a provider of possessions. He might have neglected his wife though not intentionally. She might have been feeling increasinly lonely and unloved. I am looking at another possibility that could be there.
We as Christians should not rule out what God can do.

 

[silentfactor80]

If Don pursues the course you remmend then that’s a sure fire way to end the marriage. Don has stated that he wants to try and save the marriage. If Don takes legal advise then she might clear off with the kids out of fear that she has already lost the marriage.
Let’s try and keep it real. None of us know either Don or his wife. You are judging out of fear.
Why does she blame Don? **I stated earlier that Don might have become over involved with what he thinks is his role in the marriage at a worldly level. Just a provider of possessions. He might have neglected his wife though not intentionally. She might have been feeling increasinly lonely and unloved. **I am looking at another possibility that could be there.
We as Christians should not rule out what God can do.

That is not an excuse to have an affair nor the physical abuse. She should have said something to him WAY before it got to that point. This doesn’t sound like it happened in a moment of temptation with an old flame. It sounds like she went deliberately looking for it multiple times.

 

[Steve_Jay]

That is not an excuse to have an affair nor the physical abuse. She should have said something to him WAY before it got to that point. This doesn’t sound like it happened in a moment of temptation with an old flame. It sounds like she went deliberately looking for it multiple times.

Were you a fly on the wall?

 

[Evania]

Steve Jay,

You are not answering my question. What if she were to leave him? Should he not know his rights? If he were to get legal advice, you are assuming she would be privy to that information. Why do you assume this?

How would knowing his rights in the case she were to leave him be a sure fire way to end their marriage? An attorney isn’t going to automatically start divorce proceedings without the OP’s agreement. The OP is praying for his marriage, as he had said. I just don’t understand why you are arguing that he shouldn’t get legal advice for himself and his kids.

 

[Steve_Jay]

Steve Jay,

You are not answering my question. What if she were to leave him? Should he not know his rights? If he were to get legal advice, you are assuming she would be privy to that information. Why do you assume this?

How would knowing his rights in the case she were to leave him be a sure fire way to end their marriage? An attorney isn’t going to automatically start divorce proceedings without the OP’s agreement. The OP is praying for his marriage, as he had said. I just don’t understand why you are arguing that he shouldn’t get legal advice for himself and his kids.

It appears to be the case Evania, you want fear to rule what Don does. What if the world ended tomorrow? What if the ground opened up and consumed Don’s house? What if he got run over? What if?
I am not going to agree to give advise that could potentially provoke the end of a marriage that God may have brought together.
What good is praying if the steps towards healing the marriage are not followed?

 

[silentfactor80]

Were you a fly on the wall?

No but if you re-read Don’s posts he said so.

Here was his words:

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children who are 9 and 12. Last September I logged into her Facebook account and found very sexual explicit messages to a guy she used to go to school with. I approached her and she said nothing happened. She liked the attention she got from him and that it would never happen again. I forgave her.
Last month she took the dog out and when she was outside she received a text. Something told me to check her phone. It was another message from a different guy with more sexual explicate messages. When I approached her she said once again it was a guy she recently met while out with her friends and nothing happened. Just messages.
**Through investigating I found out she had been seeing him for 3 months and had sex 4 times. **We have had multiple arguments and at one time she had punched me in the head. I had to call the police and almost had her arrested.
She has apologized for her actions but says I never gave enough attention to her. I have always tried to be a good husband and provide for my family. We have set up an appointment for counseling but I just feel like there is no remorse on her end even though she has apologized.
I am so sad and confused on what to do.

Don

 

[Steve_Jay]

No but if you re-read Don’s posts he said so.

Here was his words:

I’ve seen Don’s words. Don also stated he wants to try ans save his mariage.

My advise has been that they go and see a priest and take things from there. I have also suggested that they attend mass and communion more regularly.

Why have you got a problem with that?

 

[silentfactor80]

I’ve seen Don’s words. Don also stated he wants to try ans save his mariage.

My advise has been that they go and see a priest and take things from there. I have also suggested that they attend mass and communion more regularly.

Why have you got a problem with that?

If that is what he wants I don’t think anyone here has a problem with it. We just said he should know all his options to protect what’s left of his family.

 

[Evania]

It appears to be the case Evania, you want fear to rule what Don does. What if the world ended tomorrow? What if the ground opened up and consumed Don’s house? What if he got run over? What if?
I am not going to agree to give advise that could potentially provoke the end of a marriage that God may have brought together.
What good is praying if the steps towards healing the marriage are not followed?

No. I want him to be prepared. Period. Obviously the wife is unstable. She has repeatedly cheated on him. You make it seem like that it’s uncommon occurance for a cheating husband/wife to leave their faithful spouse for someone they’ve “fallen” for…It isn’t.

If I wanted to give bad advice I would say divorce her. Another example of bad advice would be to trust her no matter what. I want him to work on his marriage, but protect his kids and his assets in the case it were to happen. An example of having someone make decisions based in fear would be telling a husband in a happy faithful marriage to get legal protection just in case his wife decided to cheat on him and take him to the cleaners. There’s a difference between fear and common sense over a very plausible reality. Just because I bring up the scenario of a common reality for those who have suffered infidelity, doesn’t mean I’m hoping that the reality to take place. I am NOT advocating for the loss of this man’s marriage. I don’t want him to bury his head in the sand either though. That wouldn’t 't be good advice either…

 

[Steve_Jay]

If that is what he wants I don’t think anyone here has a problem with it. We just said he should know all his options to protect what’s left of his family.

If God is going to repair Don’s marriage then God needs to be invited in to it. Then God can protect his family.