Wife does NOT want any help moving?

[happymommy]

Having someone help pack and having them move them are two very different things! Is it the packing of your items she doesn’t want help with or the moving of them?

I wouldn’t care about someone else packing our things, but it does bother some people. As for moving them, the more help the better!

I would pack everything, label the boxes ( not like my husband who labeled things: misc. junk and assorted c***) Then moving day, just move the boxes to the new house!

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I just want to say that the people who are saying they are good at moving and do it in one day don’t know this family and how much stuff they have…

I moved 4x in five years after my divorce and it was wretched. Lots of yard sales trying to downsize. Hard to know what to keep when you can’t imagine what your future will be. I hate moving!

Asking only two people to move when there are many to help and the two people have to do a ton of extra work to accommodate an unusual sense of privacy seems unreasonable. Its worth exploring her reason - more explanations are in order.

Its kind of embarrassing to have people go through all your stuff, I know, I did it, however, its humbling and that’s not so bad. It can force you to reevaluate what you have, and consider getting rid of a lot of it.

I have a friend with really bad PTSD who I helped with everything. In exchange, after my last move, she helped me unpack and organize into the new space. Did she ever work! But because of her PTSD, she needed to see every single thing I owned, in case I was part of some kind of conspiracy or other group, she apparently could tell by what I owned… I realized her need, knowing her (she didn’t spell it out). But it was a bit annoying…

If your wife has a psychological disorder, like PTSD, she might need accommodation (however, I feel with my friend mentioned above, I accommodated too much, and it might have been better to show her natural reactions).

Your wife might have some super-nosy people in her life, like my friend. But the thought that all those people you mentioned are super-nosy, its not likely.

Because setting a precedent that its okay to put an unreasonable burden on you and others if she feels nervous and embarrassed about things doesn’t sound like a good direction to be headed in. She should be facing her insecurities, not asking you to compensate for them…

I would get another third party involved, a counselor, a mutual trusted older reasonable person perhaps, to consult.

 

[EasterJoy]

It depends on who wants to help. There is a limit to how many chefs it takes to make a batch of soup. Sous chefs would be great; a pack of executive chefs would be a disaster.

Sometimes, too, there is only one relative you want to exclude, but you don’t want to spend the political capital it would take to exclude them. It can be more sensitive to claim to be comfortable only with one’s own parents, to avoid hurt feelings (including the feelings of her husband).

 

[Moore11]

I just want to say that the people who are saying they are good at moving and do it in one day don’t know this family and how much stuff they have…

I moved 4x in five years after my divorce and it was wretched. Lots of yard sales trying to downsize. Hard to know what to keep when you can’t imagine what your future will be. I hate moving!

Asking only two people to move when there are many to help and the two people have to do a ton of extra work to accommodate an unusual sense of privacy seems unreasonable. Its worth exploring her reason - more explanations are in order.

Its kind of embarrassing to have people go through all your stuff, I know, I did it, however, its humbling and that’s not so bad. It can force you to reevaluate what you have, and consider getting rid of a lot of it.

I have a friend with really bad PTSD who I helped with everything. In exchange, after my last move, she helped me unpack and organize into the new space. Did she ever work! But because of her PTSD, she needed to see every single thing I owned, in case I was part of some kind of conspiracy or other group, she apparently could tell by what I owned… I realized her need, knowing her (she didn’t spell it out). But it was a bit annoying…

If your wife has a psychological disorder, like PTSD, she might need accommodation (however, I feel with my friend mentioned above, I accommodated too much, and it might have been better to show her natural reactions).

Your wife might have some super-nosy people in her life, like my friend. But the thought that all those people you mentioned are super-nosy, its not likely.

Because setting a precedent that its okay to put an unreasonable burden on you and others if she feels nervous and embarrassed about things doesn’t sound like a good direction to be headed in. She should be facing her insecurities, not asking you to compensate for them…

I would get another third party involved, a counselor, a mutual trusted older reasonable person perhaps, to consult.

I guess it depends on what you call moving. All the prep work and yard sales I dont consider moving. Physically moving your belongings from point a to point b in the same city wont take more than one day. I dont care who you are or how much stuff you have. For the price of a good steak I could move the Obamas out of the White House in one day. Heck, I’d do it for free!

 

[chevalier]

I am TOTALLY there with her!!! I love my family and friends - I just do NOT want people that deep into my personal life. I have nothing to hide, no weird fetishes or anything, no stolen merchandise, no double life. I just don’t want someone I know pawing through my personal belongings.

I would totally hire movers - not a problem in the world with that. But family/friends - no way.

And knowing my husband, I think he would be totally ok with that. He’s all about “hire a professional” when it comes to a job like that anyway.

~Liza

Well, what about her family vs his family? It’s inconsistent to speak about “our business” and include the father of only one of the couple but not of the other. That’s the problem I see there, more so than the preference to avoid including the more extended family (that I sympathise with).

 

[lizaanne]

Well, what about her family vs his family? It’s inconsistent to speak about “our business” and include the father of only one of the couple but not of the other. That’s the problem I see there, more so than the preference to avoid including the more extended family (that I sympathise with).

I don’t see any inconsistency at all. It’s all about comfort level. Some people we are more comfortable with than others. Every relationship we have, even with family, is not equal.

~Liza

 

[faithfully]

Well, what about her family vs his family? It’s inconsistent to speak about “our business” and include the father of only one of the couple but not of the other. That’s the problem I see there, more so than the preference to avoid including the more extended family (that I sympathise with).

How is that inconsistent? Perhaps her father respects her privacy, and isn’t the type to go through boxes. Perhaps her inlaws have comments about everything they own. Why do you need this? Wow, you spent money on that? Always a sideways comment about EVERYTHING. And usually some stupid arguement, That I don’t even know I’m a part of.

But, hey, that’s MY world. I get THIS. However, THIS may not be HER reason.

 

[happymommy]

I guess it depends on what you call moving. All the prep work and yard sales I dont consider moving. Physically moving your belongings from point a to point b in the same city wont take more than one day. I dont care who you are or how much stuff you have. For the price of a good steak I could move the Obamas out of the White House in one day. Heck, I’d do it for free!

I’ll pay for the moving van AND buy you a steak!

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, what about her family vs his family? It’s inconsistent to speak about “our business” and include the father of only one of the couple but not of the other. That’s the problem I see there, more so than the preference to avoid including the more extended family (that I sympathise with).

It doesn’t have to be about trusting his family less than her own with the couple’s “business”. It may be that she feels her family knows her faults and no more damage can be done there by presenting them with yet more evidence, while she believes his family does not know or would not respond well if they knew more. The other possibility is that she is simply more interested in making a good impression his family than her own, or thinks that her family is so smitten with her husband that her own disorganization (which they know well) will not be any bad reflection on him.

 

[maryjk]

It doesn’t have to be about trusting his family less than her own with the couple’s “business”. It may be that she feels her family knows her faults and no more damage can be done there by presenting them with yet more evidence, while she believes his family does not know or would not respond well if they knew more. The other possibility is that she is simply more interested in making a good impression his family than her own, or thinks that her family is so smitten with her husband that her own disorganization (which they know well) will not be any bad reflection on him.

They could be like my husband and me.

My parents helped with packing. Dad was retired military and had moved many many times. He and my Mom helped the movers pack up our house or watched people pack each time. My MIL and FIL had moved, maybe, twice??

In addition, my family was more laid back, more family friendly than my MIL and FIL.

In fact, when my husband transferred to where we are now, he said to me, “don’t ask my mom to help move.” He didn’t want her in all of our business. The couple of times she stopped by, while I was packing, she simply wanted to go through our stuff. She made very little headway in getting stuff in boxes.

So my parents helped us pack. Dad dropped coins throughout my son’s toys. :takeoff: Dads, what can you say?? It helped our young son want to help with unpacking, since throughout the boxes there was money to be found. Mom, lovingly packed my dishes and I didn’t lose one piece. :flowers Sorry, to go on and on, but I miss them. :bighanky: )

The big thing is to talk to your wife about why she doesn’t want to enlist any more help. She may have a very good reason.

 

[insideitall]

why would people helping you move be seeing all your stuff? it should be packed, sealed, and clearly labeled already. asking people to help you move is exactly what it sounds like - they show up with a vehicle and their muscles and help you move your stuff. if someone asked me to help them move and when I showed up nothing was in boxes, I’d be really annoyed.

 

[lizaanne]

why would people helping you move be seeing all your stuff? it should be packed, sealed, and clearly labeled already. asking people to help you move is exactly what it sounds like - they show up with a vehicle and their muscles and help you move your stuff. if someone asked me to help them move and when I showed up nothing was in boxes, I’d be really annoyed.

To some, “help me move” means coming over to pack boxes.

~Liza

 

[EasterJoy]

To some, “help me move” means coming over to pack boxes.

~Liza

Besides, you often just put things in open boxes or send it off with minimal packing, when it is only going a 10 minute drive away.

That is the other thing: Move over the course of a week, and you have to have a bit ready today and a bit ready tomorrow. Move on some specific day, and there is a lot of pressure to have it all ready to go when the deadline arrives. That may seem like much more pressure to the OPs wife.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Well, speaking as a woman whose husband does the moving/fixing/heavy lifting … I consider it quite unreasonable to tell the person who will be doing all the work that he can’t accept help that would greatly reduce his burden. If she has some other reason that she is not stating, then she should really make it known - she is not the one who will be busting her back for a week straight otherwise.

I can appreciate not having everyone in your business. I wouldn’t want my friends packing my clothes and my taxes. So pack up your clothes, your personal files, and your valuable jewelry etc… by yourself, and save the other stuff for the other people. But unless there is a more serious reason that is not being told, the person responsible for getting it done ought to make the final call on who helps.

 

[shainski]

Besides, you often just put things in open boxes or send it off with minimal packing, when it is only going a 10 minute drive away.

That is the other thing: Move over the course of a week, and you have to have a bit ready today and a bit ready tomorrow. Move on some specific day, and there is a lot of pressure to have it all ready to go when the deadline arrives. That may seem like much more pressure to the OPs wife.

No, do not pack without tops (or open boxes). The worst move i ever had (that i alluded to earlier) - my friend’s wife thought it would be best if she didn’t put tops on any boxes. She had those really nice - computer paper boxes, too. But for some reason, she thought she could fit more in them if she didn’t use tops. So we couldn’t stack any boxes in the U-Haul they rented - which meant that we had to take many many trips - when we could have done it in one or two.

 

[lizaanne]

No, do not pack without tops (or open boxes). The worst move i ever had (that i alluded to earlier) - my friend’s wife thought it would be best if she didn’t put tops on any boxes. She had those really nice - computer paper boxes, too. But for some reason, she thought she could fit more in them if she didn’t use tops. So we couldn’t stack any boxes in the U-Haul they rented - which meant that we had to take many many trips - when we could have done it in one or two.

Oh my gosh - that would make me crazy!!!

See - another reason to keep people out of my biz!!

~Liza

 

[shainski]

Oh my gosh - that would make me crazy!!!

See - another reason to keep people out of my biz!!

~Liza

But if you put everything in boxes (with tops or closed) - you can tape the boxes - put a label on it - “Bedroom #1”, “Kitchen”, “Basement”, etc. No one is going to know what is in any of the boxes (at least, i never did). If it is fragile, Mark it - or set it aside to move yourself.

When we did this as a group, i didn’t care if i was a chief or a worker (I agree with those earlier that you don’t want a group of chiefs). One person should be organizing the truck - deciding where everything should go - and everyone should just bring boxes or furniture out and put on or near the truck.

If the whole concern is privacy - really everything should be packed ahead of time. Usually you have a month or more where you can be doing that. I wouldn’t really want a bunch of people coming over to my house and putting things in boxes, either. For one thing, i would never be able to find anything.

The hardest part of moving is going through all that stuff that most of us accumulate - and deciding what to keep, what to donate, what to sent to a rummage, and what to toss. For me, it would be hard for anyone else to make that call. I might welcome someone coming over for a specific task. “Let’s pack the fine china and glassware” (if i had any).

 

[marysdaughter1]

I have moved several times over the years. I do as much as I can myself and hire someone (a local company) for the big stuff - couch, chairs, etc. I love my family and they have helped me move a couple of times - it was a total disaster. Their idea of moving and mine are totally different (ie I should have my entire apartment packed up in a 2 hour timeframe - not happening.)

Maybe some kind of compromise? Usually when I move I have a few boxes/bags of stuff going to the thrift shop etc. Maybe family could help with something like that?

 

[maryjk]

The problem she has is that she “doesn’t want anyone in our business”. I tried mentioning to her that these people are trying to help us. I don’t know how else to approach this. Any ideas?

So which is it? She doesn’t want help packing or she doesn’t want you to have help lifting boxes?

There is a big difference. I wouldn’t want my MIL to help pack. I couldn’t care less who lifts boxes.

 

[chevalier]

**How is that inconsistent? **Perhaps her father respects her privacy, and isn’t the type to go through boxes. Perhaps her inlaws have comments about everything they own. Why do you need this? Wow, you spent money on that? Always a sideways comment about EVERYTHING. And usually some stupid arguement, That I don’t even know I’m a part of.

But, hey, that’s MY world. I get THIS. However, THIS may not be HER reason.

Actually, it’s very clearly inconsistent. You’re ignoring the difference between “her” and “their” business, or family. She mentioned “our business”, not “my business”, and marriage is always about both the man and the woman, not just about the woman (or man).

It is manifestly inconsistent to speak about “our business” (as spouses, i.e. wife and husband) but include the parents of one of the spouses (either wife’s or husband’s but not both).

I don’t see any inconsistency at all. It’s all about comfort level. Some people we are more comfortable with than others. Every relationship we have, even with family, is not equal.

~Liza

It’s as inconsistent as taking 2 as the sum of 2+2, actually. I’m utterly shocked and perplexed that you see no inconsistency in the unequal treatment of the respective sets of parents/in-laws (on either the wife’s or the husband’s side) while talking about “our business”.

To make a more blatant inconsistency than this, one would need to say “our family” and then exclude one set of in-laws. I do hope that we would all agree that would be inconsistent.

And I’m not talking about her reasons for not wanting to involve her husband’s family. Those are unknown to us and may be either good or bad. Yeah, she may have a good reason e.g. because the in-laws may possible already have pried into their business, in which case she wouldn’t be inconsistent, there would only be missing information. Without additional information (a good unknown reason), it is inconsistent to treat the sets of parents/in-laws unequally when talking about “our business”. “Our business” is not “my business”.

Illustration: Suppose you and I enter into a general partnership agreement (50/50 split) and open up a computer hardware shop, which is a very cool thing to do in life. We make a big success and we’ve got to move to a bigger office. I ask my friends to help us move stuff but I exclude your friends, on the grounds that I don’t want anybody prying into our business. Isn’t this flat out inconsistent to you (not even to mention that I’m not including you in the decision-making process as an equal partner)? Because to me it’s as inconsistent as taking 2 for the sum of 2+2.

And this is scary to me, which is probably why I communicate more easily with computer hardware than with women.