Wife doesn't want me to attend daily Mass

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nevadairenaeus

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So I just converted to Catholicism this Easter and have been going on my lunch break to Mass when my work schedule permits. I really feel a need and desire for the Eucharist. I feel the need for the grace and life that it brings. It’s something new and wonderful. Since my wife is not Catholic nor supportive of me becoming Catholic, I haven’t told her that I am attending Mass during the week. Talking about religion always seems to create more tension.

However, the situation changed today. I was coming out of Mass when she called. She asked where I was and I told her. She became very upset and feels that I am sneaking around with all this Catholic stuff. She feels that I am obsessed (which i probably am, but in a good way I hope). She doesn’t understand why I am going since it is not an obligation to attend. I have trouble communicating with her about my spiritual life. To her its all strange and unfortunately she doesn’t want to know anything about it. Kind of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation.

So now she is asking me not to go to Mass on the weekdays. Its not a requirement of the faith, so I guess I could stop going if it is causing problems in my marriage. On the other hand, as I stated above, I feel the spiritual need to be there and receive Christ in the Eucharist. I feel somewhat spiritually fragile. I’m not sure what to do.
 
I think your wife is being too controlling. I would keep going to daily mass when you can and just tell her that you want to go because the Eucharist gives you strength and helps you to grow in holiness. Isn’t real love wanting what is best for your spouse?
 
onmyknees said:
I think your wife is being too controlling. I would keep going to daily mass when you can and just tell her that you want to go because the Eucharist gives you strength and helps you to grow in holiness. Isn’t real love wanting what is best for your spouse?
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Yes, it does reak of a control freak. To the OP, could you ask your RCIA instructor on how best to address your wife why you think going to daily Mass is important?
 
If you are going on break at work and it’s not causing problems with work or anything else I can hardly see where she has a right to tell you not to go. She’s your wife, not your mother.
 
If it is honestly not taking away from your family obligations, which it doesn’t sound like it is since you are going on your lunch break, I would sit down and express to her how important it is to you and that you plan to keep going.

I am sure she feels a whole battery of emotions regarding your conversion. Be especially attentive to her needs and the needs of your family. Even above and beyond their needs.
 
I think you have nothing to apologize for. You did not sneak around. Let’s imagine for a moment that you were coming not from the church, but from the gym when your wife called. Would she have gotten upset with you, would she have accused you of sneaking around with your gym attendance? For the record, I’m not married. So, take my words with a grain of salt. But I just don’t think it’s right for a spouse to tell his/her s.o. that they can’t attend church, they can’t attend gym, during lunch hour.
 
While your wife is clearly in the wrong here, I think you should take a break from daily mass for a bit until the two of you have had a chance to discuss it more. Showing that kind of respect for her feelings is better than creating more resistance to Catholicism by making her feel she’s “at war” with your religion. I feel like it’s only going to get worse if you openly defy her wishes without the two of you making an honest effort at compromise and understanding.

For now maybe take your lunch break to pray a rosary and read scripture until you’ve had some more time to work things out with your wife.
 
Schieffelin said:
While your wife is clearly in the wrong here, I think you should take a break from daily mass for a bit until the two of you have had a chance to discuss it more. Showing that kind of respect for her feelings is better than creating more resistance to Catholicism by making her feel she’s “at war” with your religion. **I feel like it’s only going to get worse if you openly defy her wishes **without the two of you making an honest effort at compromise and understanding.

For now maybe take your lunch break to pray a rosary and read scripture until you’ve had some more time to work things out with your wife.
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The OP is going to daily Mass on his lunch break. Why should his wife care how he spends his lunch?
 
She’s got a problem because you’re going to Mass??!?!? As someone who’s been divorced (infidelity involved), is she kidding!??! :eek:

Good luck! Wish I had some advice.
 
garn9173 said:
The OP is going to daily Mass on his lunch break. Why should his wife care how he spends his lunch?
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Exactly, my wife goes out shopping on her lunch break and I don’t care so why should she care if I’m at Mass on mine? Which one is more productive? Heck, fasting (by missing lunch) in order to go to mass would be quite a nice sacrifice, IMO.

I think non-Catholics think it’s strange to want to go to Church everyday but that’s because most protestants only have one service per week so that’s the norm for them. Not that the majority of Catholics go every day, but it’s considered a good thing if you can.
 
Buy her a nice present for no particular occasion as a suprise. She’ll likely say something like “It’s not Valentines, not my birthday, not christmas, not our anneversay, what’s up with this?”

Then you can say: “It’s not required that I give you such a gift of love on an ordinary day, but I love you just as much today as Valentine’s day.”

She’ll hopefully melt. After a little while, you can point out that daily mass is the same sort of thing. It’s not about completing a checklist of minimum requirements needed to get into heaven someday, it’s about knowing and loving the God who made you. You’ve found him in the sacraments and you’re not satisfied with the minimum.

But by the way, take extra care in the upcoming months to do little acts of love on an ongoing basis to reassure your wife that she doesn’t have to compete with God for your love.
 
Schieffelin said:
While your wife is clearly in the wrong here, I think you should take a break from daily mass for a bit until the two of you have had a chance to discuss it more. Showing that kind of respect for her feelings is better than creating more resistance to Catholicism by making her feel she’s “at war” with your religion. I feel like it’s only going to get worse if you openly defy her wishes without the two of you making an honest effort at compromise and understanding.

For now maybe take your lunch break to pray a rosary and read scripture until you’ve had some more time to work things out with your wife.
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I truly believe this is the answer for you at this time. Yes, she’s wrong in making this demand, but you should show compassion and perhaps, in time, she will understand your need. Being compassionate trumps being right. I have learned that lesson the hard way.
 
nevadairenaeus said:
So I just converted to Catholicism this Easter and have been going on my lunch break to Mass when my work schedule permits. I really feel a need and desire for the Eucharist. I feel the need for the grace and life that it brings. It’s something new and wonderful. Since my wife is not Catholic nor supportive of me becoming Catholic, I haven’t told her that I am attending Mass during the week. Talking about religion always seems to create more tension.

However, the situation changed today. I was coming out of Mass when she called. She asked where I was and I told her. She became very upset and feels that I am sneaking around with all this Catholic stuff. She feels that I am obsessed (which i probably am, but in a good way I hope). She doesn’t understand why I am going since it is not an obligation to attend. I have trouble communicating with her about my spiritual life. To her its all strange and unfortunately she doesn’t want to know anything about it. Kind of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation.

So now she is asking me not to go to Mass on the weekdays. Its not a requirement of the faith, so I guess I could stop going if it is causing problems in my marriage. On the other hand, as I stated above, I feel the spiritual need to be there and receive Christ in the Eucharist. I feel somewhat spiritually fragile. I’m not sure what to do.
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Were I you I’d stop think about this as a religious issue and start framing it as a control issue. Your wife called you on your lunch break and got upset about where you’d been? Really? Yes, as a wife I would understand her being upset if you’d told her you’d enjoyed the lunchtime buffet at a strip club, but so long as you’re not violating your marriage vows, spending a boatload of money, or engaging in illegal activities, should it matter to your wife what you do on your lunch hour?

Sorry, but I can’t understand how engaging in a religious practice would cause problems in a marriage so long as that practice wasn’t advocating that the spouse violate their marriage vows. And attending daily Mass doesn’t do that last time I checked.

If my husband were upset and asked me to stop attending daily Mass on my lunch hour, I’d ask him why he was threatened by this.

Luna
 
Schieffelin said:
While your wife is clearly in the wrong here, I think you should take a break from daily mass for a bit until the two of you have had a chance to discuss it more. Showing that kind of respect for her feelings is better than creating more resistance to Catholicism by making her feel she’s “at war” with your religion. I feel like it’s only going to get worse if you openly defy her wishes without the two of you making an honest effort at compromise and understanding.

For now maybe take your lunch break to pray a rosary and read scripture until you’ve had some more time to work things out with your wife.
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The above seems to be the best advice. It’s not terribly helpful to set up a conflict situation with your wife. I’ll pray for you, and your wife.
 
Saggart said:
The above seems to be the best advice. It’s not terribly helpful to set up a conflict situation with your wife. I’ll pray for you, and your wife.
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Well, one thing I would say is that his wife seems to have some trust issues. I think he needs to find out why this issue with trust exists if he does not already know why and work to resolve that.
 
nevadairenaeus said:
So I just converted to Catholicism this Easter and have been going on my lunch break to Mass when my work schedule permits. I really feel a need and desire for the Eucharist. I feel the need for the grace and life that it brings. It’s something new and wonderful. Since my wife is not Catholic nor supportive of me becoming Catholic, I haven’t told her that I am attending Mass during the week. Talking about religion always seems to create more tension.

However, the situation changed today. I was coming out of Mass when she called. She asked where I was and I told her. She became very upset and feels that I am sneaking around with all this Catholic stuff. She feels that I am obsessed (which i probably am, but in a good way I hope). She doesn’t understand why I am going since it is not an obligation to attend. I have trouble communicating with her about my spiritual life. To her its all strange and unfortunately she doesn’t want to know anything about it. Kind of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation.

So now she is asking me not to go to Mass on the weekdays. Its not a requirement of the faith, so I guess I could stop going if it is causing problems in my marriage. On the other hand, as I stated above, I feel the spiritual need to be there and receive Christ in the Eucharist. I feel somewhat spiritually fragile. I’m not sure what to do.
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Your conversion is threatening to her. It changes your character as a couple. Now you have something that does not include her, something she doesn’t understand and probably wishes you weren’t involved in. Has she been baptized into another faith? Were either of you practicing any religious faith when you met and married? How did your conversion come about? Did she try to talk you out of it?

It’s a tough place to be. On the one hand, you are entitled to go to Mass whenever you wish, and yes, it is good for you and will give you grace and strength. On the other hand, you have changed the terms of your marriage, and that was not with her full consent.

I would advise you two to sit down and discuss the entire subject. First, with each other, and then, with a priest. You need to hear her out about her concerns, not to cave in to her demands, but to let her know that you care about those concerns. If you just ignore her, things will only get worse. She won’t understand why you are doing the Catholic things you do, and she will feel left out and jealous.

I returned to the Church after our first son was born. My husband never has … It’s been a continuing source of tension between us. I cannot talk about my relationship with Jesus with my husband. And he will not help me get to heaven, like a good spouse is supposed to. I pray for him, but I think he sees negatives in my deepening faith. He, like your wife, thinks I am obsessed. If I were to go to Mass daily, he’d ridicule me and think I was nuts.

I can’t promise things will work out well for you. We’ve had a lot of struggles around our mixed-faith marriage (he’s a baptized Catholic but says he doesn’t believe in God and doesn’t believe in a lot of what the Church stands for) but since I am the one who tipped the barrel over…

🤷

p.s. I am NOT advising you to stop going to Mass. I would keep going to Mass, but sit down and talk about it with your wife.
 
Luk 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.
Luk 14:27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

This is when it gets to be hard to be a Christian. Choices need to be made. I’m not saying your wife should not be a choice, but you need to make her understand that this is what your faith means to you.
Jesus knew what some of us would face with our loved ones; He prepared us for it with His teaching. You won’t face this alone, but you still have to decide.
God bless you and guide you.
 
I think this speaks quite loudly as to where she is in HER faith. She thinks you shouldn’t go because it’s not required? So you should only pray if it’s required? You should only seek holiness in areas where it’s required?

It sounds to me like your wife may be struggling in her OWN faith journey and this is challenging her quite a bit, which is why she’s reacting negatively.

I would sit down and tell her very plainly, very truthfully, why going to weekday Mass is important to you.

Christ would NOT want to be friction in your marriage. So, explain that it would pain you greatly but if she insists you will cease to go to weekday Mass. And then, offer prayers up for her when you go to weekend Mass.
 
SurlyMermaid said:
She’s got a problem because you’re going to Mass??!?!? As someone who’s been divorced (infidelity involved), is she kidding!??! :eek:

Good luck! Wish I had some advice.
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She actually told me that she was worried that going to daily mass was the first step on the path to having an affair. Go figure. 🤷
 
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