Wife doesn't want me to attend daily Mass

[mamaslo]

I am happy that you found the catholic church and found it to be a welcoming place for you and you feel great about being a part of something wonderful.

As for your wife…I think your first mistake was hiding going to mass from her. She might feel like you are not giving her much attention or attention at all. As much as you love the church you have to show that same kind of love and adoration to your wife if not MORE SO. I speak from experience. My husband and I volunteer for the church A LOT! We used to teach CCD for children and my husband is the choir director as well for our english mass. For a while there…we had no HUSBAND/WIFE time at all. He worked 6 days a week, was going to school full time. Came home nearly at midnight to continue homework or finish up work stuff. Weekends he went to go teach CCD then of course go to mass where he sings. I was feeling LEFT OUT! I was feeling like I was not important anymore. There were times where he had lunch as had the ability to just give me a call and ask “Hey hun…wanna go out to lunch?” Or “Hey babe…I have time during lunch time, are you making anything for lunch so I can come home and eat?” Instead he would go eat lunch with the guys from work. I will admit… we women are VERY NEEDY…and not in the bad way. WE want to be with our husbands…we love our husbands…I tell my husband…“Hey if you work more that’s fine…but I expect to be compensated. No one takes my time from my husband and me away…and I get left with NOTHING!” So I let him know how I felt. We fought a lot. He didn’t seem to understand. It came to a point where he and I were just to more people living in the same house. And he noticed it…cause I wasn’t affectionate anymore. We came to a compromise. He gave up the CCD teaching…we eat lunch at least 3 times a week together…unless his work load is very heavy.

So come to a compromise with your wife. Let her know that if she felt so strongly about anything she took on, she wouldn’t expect that you put severe strict limitations on her. She would resent you right? So make a deal with her. Go to church 2 or 3 days on the weekdays…and then go to church on Sundays. Go eat lunch with HER… make her feel special. That way she wont be upset that you are spending more time with the church…and leaving her behind. Most of us women are not to far from men in attitude . We are proud…and we sometimes do not want to make known how much we hurt…so we lash out. Its pride…and its bad. Talk to your wife…hope everything works out well for you!

While I get what you are saying for the most part, why didn’t you go help with the CCD instead of pulling him out of that role? You guys were just too busy, i guess. Slowing down to make time is good.

I don’t think that is his problem though. He needs the Eucharist daily. It may not be a requirement but he needs it for strength. It is extraordinary food!

He can make concessions in other ways, he is already and there is no real guidebook for what he is dealing with, but one step at a time.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I feel for both of you.

The Mormon view of marriage is beautiful. I was privileged enough to go to a ring ceremony for a good friend of mine a few months ago. (It was kind of like a traditional wedding, but a bit different since they had been married in the temple earlier in the day.) The whole concept brought tears to my eyes. It really is something that I wish I could believe. The people vilifying his wife need to understand that in a sense she feels like he has left her. He will still be with her now, but she has lost him for all eternity. The gravity of that would make anyone act a bit crazy. Of course she’s clinging a bit, and of course she’s testy about his new faith. She wants be with him forever like they had promised, and have their kids, parents, and everyone else there too.

At the same time, he does have every right to explore and participate in his new faith. But he does need to be sensitive to his wife. He called off a vow that he made to her for time and all eternity. Counseling is in order here. Very serious counseling. No, he is not obligated to hold back in his faith forever, but I do think that he should ease in to it slowly for the sake of his wife and children. Perhaps a priest would be able to help him find an adequate balance.

 

[nevadairenaeus]

You have stated that your wife is not Catholic so that begs the question, what is she? Is she a Christian? If so, then what denomination is she? I ask these questions because some Protestants do not like Catholics and don’t approve of Catholic activities, whatever they may be. Anything that appears to be a “work” is suspect. Is she really concerned with where you go on your lunch breaks or does she have an ax to grind with the Church? On the one hand, I would say that she has no right dictating how you worship God, but on the other hand, I can see how sensitivity on your end would possibly soften the resistance.

She is a very committed Mormon. I was also Mormon before I became Catholic. We both served as missionaries for the Mormon church and were married in a Mormon temple.

 

[nevadairenaeus]

I feel for both of you.

The Mormon view of marriage is beautiful. I was privileged enough to go to a ring ceremony for a good friend of mine a few months ago. (It was kind of like a traditional wedding, but a bit different since they had been married in the temple earlier in the day.) The whole concept brought tears to my eyes. It really is something that I wish I could believe. The people vilifying his wife need to understand that in a sense she feels like he has left her. He will still be with her now, but she has lost him for all eternity. The gravity of that would make anyone act a bit crazy. Of course she’s clinging a bit, and of course she’s testy about his new faith. She wants be with him forever like they had promised, and have their kids, parents, and everyone else there too.

At the same time, he does have every right to explore and participate in his new faith. But he does need to be sensitive to his wife. He called off a vow that he made to her for time and all eternity. Counseling is in order here. Very serious counseling. No, he is not obligated to hold back in his faith forever, but I do think that he should ease in to it slowly for the sake of his wife and children. Perhaps a priest would be able to help him find an adequate balance.

The LDS idea of eternal marriage and eternal families may look attractive from the outside [although I think the Catholic conception of Heaven and the communion of the saints is richer and more meaningful], but it also gives the LDS church a lot of control over their members. In some sense they hold your family hostage. If you are not faithful enough to the LDS church and its teachings then you will lose your family for all eternity. The thought of not being with your loved ones for eternity acts as a powerful motivator to be obedient to the church. To a certain extent, the Mormon faith distorts the importance of the family into a kind of idol. They use everyone’s natural love for their own family as a tool to extract obedience and tithing money.

Families are only forever if all members remain faithful and obedient Mormons to the end of their lives. If not, then families are separated forever.

 

[jpelham]

I faced identical circumstances when I entered the Church in 2003, the same antipathy in my wife, more vehement I think. With tension that has abated only a little, I again attend noon Mass weekdays and 9 AM Mass on Saturdays, after some vacillation under her pressure, and have been for about 6 years. She has grown to tolerate it, though not always silently. God first, family second, etc. The choice is clear, so too is the effect of our tension on the children, which grieves me terribly. The great challenge is growth in sanctity, the profit we should derive from daily visits to the fount of all graces. I believe she will be converted, to acceptance if not conversion, insofar as God wills it, by the grace she receives through our marriage, by my holiness. Yet holiness - unstinting, unconditional, self-sacrificial holiness, love whose humility knows no bounds, not merely making a good effort and calling it a day, is admired and sometimes discussed with regard to saints and saintly priests, but not widely sought in Holy Mother Church. I see a single answer to our challenge: nothing more or less than striving for the perfection to which we are called, heroically.

Your wife’s past relationships with Catholics, and/or life immersed in fiercely anti-Catholic sentiments, likely influence her behavior profoundly. In either case the Church is demonized. Catholic family pathologies constitute the decisive factor in my wife’s emotional response to Catholicism, so too in the ‘ex-Catholic’ members of the Presbyterian church she still attends, without exception. Moreover, I do not know how we can reasonably overlook the ravenous exploitation of childhood wounds, still unhealed, by malevolent spirits. These psycho-spiritual aspects altogether are difficult to resolve because her collaboration is essential. But I am Catholic because I believe in miracles, and I know there are no accidents. We are enrolled in the school of sanctity. Let us be good students. Spiritual direction would surely be helpful, but that search continues. I will pray for you.

I have read few of the other replies and ask your pardon for redundancies, and lapses caused by my rush.

 

[Anthony_Sciriha]

So I just converted to Catholicism this Easter and have been going on my lunch break to Mass when my work schedule permits. I really feel a need and desire for the Eucharist. I feel the need for the grace and life that it brings. It’s something new and wonderful. Since my wife is not Catholic nor supportive of me becoming Catholic, I haven’t told her that I am attending Mass during the week. Talking about religion always seems to create more tension.

However, the situation changed today. I was coming out of Mass when she called. She asked where I was and I told her. She became very upset and feels that I am sneaking around with all this Catholic stuff. She feels that I am obsessed (which i probably am, but in a good way I hope). She doesn’t understand why I am going since it is not an obligation to attend. I have trouble communicating with her about my spiritual life. To her its all strange and unfortunately she doesn’t want to know anything about it. Kind of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation.

So now she is asking me not to go to Mass on the weekdays. Its not a requirement of the faith, so I guess I could stop going if it is causing problems in my marriage. On the other hand, as I stated above, I feel the spiritual need to be there and receive Christ in the Eucharist. I feel somewhat spiritually fragile. I’m not sure what to do.

Dear Nevadairenaeus, without sounding too forceful, I would like to point out that 1) upon becoming Catholic, one will automatically experience the wrath of the devil to discourage you in your newly found truth which will lead you to heaven if you persist in your endeavour. 2) You have every right to pursue your religious convictions especially since you are following the truth, something which EVERYONE ON THIS EARTH IS OBLIGED TO DO!! 3) Your wife has no right to interfere with your religious convictions provided that in the executions of your religious life, you are not hurting or gravely harming your marital obligations towards your wife. 4) Your wife’s negative reactions may reflect on her part an antagonism towards the Catholic Faith which is not fair and not right on her part. We are all obliged to obey God rather than man says St. Peter. 5) Does your wife practice any form of religious beliefs? Is she a protestant- under one of the hundreds of denominations(SECTS) they have created in the last 500 years? 6) The devil, it appears, may be using her( even without her realizing it) to achieve his goal of dissuading you from continuing on the right path of truth. 7) I strongly suggest that you pray for her by saying at least 3 Hail Marys or better still a Rosary for her conversion. 8) One truly loves a person if one respects one’s convictions especially when these convictions are so paramount in one’s life. 9) You are not infringing on her rights as your wife by going to church during your lunch break, a sacrifice which is highly commendable. You should be proud of yourself and should be grateful to God for giving you such a wonderful grace out of his PURE LOVE. 10) I shall pray for you for a peaceful and happy outcome. May God bless you both. Anthony Sciriha

 

[CatholicMom1907]

I wasn’t able to read all the other responses, but will need to because I’m in a similar situation. I’ve always been Catholic but my husband converted before we got married. Now, I am not sure sure his true intention for converting and believe it was about making me happy and not because he really embraced the Catholic faith. So now, I feel stuck - like you. I don’t want to hide or deny my faith but at the same time, I feel like I have to tip toe so I don’t intimidate him or scare him away completely. We are having some seirous problems in our marriage but I honestly believe this is one of the sources of our issues. My husband is ok with going to church on Sundays with me but anything beyond that is a complete inconvenience and he doesn’t understand the “need” for it.

The true problem here, from my perspective, is a lack of intimacy and respect. You feel like you can not really express and share your faith with your wife and she is intimidated by your relationship with God because she does not understand it and feels threatened by it and competing for your love and attention.

I’ve heard people call into Catholic radio shows with professionals with the same basic issue and they told the caller to first work on the intimacy issues where you can respect and support eachother and grow closer to God together. I have been praying about this a lot lately and I keep hearing the words “we need to be attractive Catholics”. We need to show others by example that it’s ok and we are not strange or unusual for having faith and wanting to practice it. We are ordinary people with an extraordinary love for the trinity and our relationship wtih God.

I could be completely wrong, but as with a previous poster suggested, I might try to practice your faith in other ways (rosary, daily prayers, daily readlings online, reflections, etc.) and you can work on intimacy together and really understanding and respecting eachother and being able to talk about these important topics without feeling like your love is deminished because of it. I don’t think the daily mass is really the problem but her fear around your relationship with God and it coming between you. But if you can show your wife that it is making you a better man and a better husband, you will soften her heart to understand you and not be scared. Maybe by your example, she will want to know what is so wonderful about your Catholic faith that has transformed you and brought you true joy and made you a better husband. I’d keep praying to the Holy Spirit for wisdom and to help your wife really KNOW God’s love and trust Him. I will say a prayer for you. Please let me know if you find an approach that is working for you because I could use the advice myself.

 

[Ivanne]

Dear Brother,

May God richly bless you in your new path. It is a wonderful thing to have this faith. I am so sorry for you. As a woman who once prayed for years for a man who would love God as I did, it is difficult to feel grace for her. Yet since you are a believing spouse you are burdened with being the loving one. It sounds like she perceives the truth as a threat. Threatened people are often angry and even hurtful. Of course your relationship with God can only enrich your marriage, but it will take time for her to realize that.

I would add one suggesstion to those offered: get some counsel from your Priest. He will be familiar with this scenario, if saddened by it. He will have wisdom and practical suggesstions, and he will be in favor of upholding the marriage, that is all good. Besides, you could use the encouragement.

I also request that all who read this thread pray for you and your wife. You are part of the world wide Catholic church now, we want to support you.

 

[remjsmom76]

While I get what you are saying for the most part, why didn’t you go help with the CCD instead of pulling him out of that role? You guys were just too busy, i guess. Slowing down to make time is good.

I don’t think that is his problem though. He needs the Eucharist daily. It may not be a requirement but he needs it for strength. It is extraordinary food!

He can make concessions in other ways, he is already and there is no real guidebook for what he is dealing with, but one step at a time.

Well because I wanted TIME with my husband. I too was a teacher of CCD…it came to a point where hubby and I were two passing people in the same house. Even If I did teach CCD…we were not together. The love actually was drying out because we were to focused on everything else (not only church) instead of feeding our relationship. So we had to make a compromise. He couldn’t very well stop working, and his going to school was, in the long run, for the betterment of his career and for his family. I mean his finally graduating this semester. The only times we had was the weekend. It was a long year, because he just didn’t drop his CCD class mid year, I would never expect him to have done that. Still as the new year started…he didn’t volunteer again.

I didn’t read through all the responses when I posted my original comment. I can see why she might have problems with him going to church. Different religion . But it can be worked out. There has to be some compromise somewhere between the BOTH of them. After all, that is what marriage is about. Unless one or the other…or both do not want to give in…and are both very strong willed in what they want the other to “do” for them.

 

[CatholicMom1907]

I just wanted to clarify because this has been on my mind a lot since last night. I don’t know if the answer is giving up on daily mass because I know that mass and the Eucharist can help us in ways we can’t ever imagine. I am feeling called to learn more and more about it and feel a strong calling to Eucharistic Adoration very suddenly because of the love that God has given us in this most intimate way along with the blood of Jesus poured out for us. (This morning I woke up to a communion song in my head so I feel God is trying to tell me something that I need to share: “Taste and See The Goodness of the Lord”.)

Anyway, I don’t want to ever tell someone to give going to daily mass (to give up that amazing gift and grace that God has given us), but I think it’s very important to discuss your wife’s fear with her and work on intimacy. Perhaps she can come to a RCIA class or a priest to ask questions so she can understand the significance of the Catholic faith to you? Perhaps she is dealing with a lot of misunderstandings about the faith. Maybe you can make it clear that you are not trying to convert her but want her to understand why this is so important to you and respect you and your faith? I will continue to pray for you and your wife. I have found that praying that I can show my husband God’s love and follow God’s will has helped me (and him) so much more than praying that my husband would change or respect me.

God Bless!

 

[Hope4]

I have found that a lot of men will not say things that they would like to say in order to avoid an argument. But a lot of women would rather have an argument then feel left out and not talked to.

 

[bekalc]

I have found that a lot of men will not say things that they would like to say in order to avoid an argument. But a lot of women would rather have an argument then feel left out and not talked to.

I can’t help wondering if this is the case too. I frankly don’t know what to say I feel like a lot of things I would tell you to say would cause arguments more problems… Scripture says “A soft answer turns away with wrath.” And I think you need to remember that.

I will say this though I know my Mom was really upset when I became Catholic its not the same as marriage obviously but she was a former Catholic and me becoming Catholic was like throwing away everything too her. I’ve tried presenting her the theology and explaining it away. But now I’m realizing and I think God is showing me, is its going to be my life that will change my mother’s mind/heart. That I need to draw as close to HIM as possible and the testimony of my drawing closer to him and the closeness of my walk with HIM that will be what opens her heart to be willing to think again about the Church.

I can’t help thinking the same with your wife. Do your best to draw closer to the Lord, as closest as possible. Your not perfect, and don’t think you can be. But draw close to him, and do things that draw close to him, and that will get her thinking. When she sees you become a better person, when she sees how close you are with God…But try to show her how much you love her as much as possible and reaffirm to her many times that you love her. Be the best husband you can possibly be…

Maybe you should try to say whats in your heart too her but in love. I think maybe although it could cause her argument tell her that you’d love to tell her more about your Catholicism and what it means to you and everything you do. But you know that its hard for her right now so your trying not to talk about it. But that you’ll be willing to answer any question that she has . I’ll be praying for you guys.

 

[bekalc]

Well because I wanted TIME with my husband. I too was a teacher of CCD…it came to a point where hubby and I were two passing people in the same house. Even If I did teach CCD…we were not together. The love actually was drying out because we were to focused on everything else (not only church) instead of feeding our relationship. So we had to make a compromise. He couldn’t very well stop working, and his going to school was, in the long run, for the betterment of his career and for his family. I mean his finally graduating this semester. The only times we had was the weekend. It was a long year, because he just didn’t drop his CCD class mid year, I would never expect him to have done that. Still as the new year started…he didn’t volunteer again.

I didn’t read through all the responses when I posted my original comment. I can see why she might have problems with him going to church. Different religion . But it can be worked out. There has to be some compromise somewhere between the BOTH of them. After all, that is what marriage is about. Unless one or the other…or both do not want to give in…and are both very strong willed in what they want the other to “do” for them.

But it seems to me in a lot of ways he’s compromising. In the sense that he’s not talking about the faith with their kids, he’s not being active in the parish etc… Its his lunch time at work so daily mass isn’t taking away family time… I guess he COULD tell her that if there’s a time that she or the kids would like to have lunch with him, that he’d be happy to do that instead, since he only has to go on Sat/Sun. But if he’s not with them he’s really going to want to spend that time with God.

 

[remjsmom76]

But it seems to me in a lot of ways he’s compromising. In the sense that he’s not talking about the faith with their kids, he’s not being active in the parish etc… Its his lunch time at work so daily mass isn’t taking away family time… I guess he COULD tell her that if there’s a time that she or the kids would like to have lunch with him, that he’d be happy to do that instead, since he only has to go on Sat/Sun. But if he’s not with them he’s really going to want to spend that time with God.

Well sadly there is an unspoken rule that the faith of the woman is the faith that will be taught to the children. That’s why I make sure my girls know to find a man that is of the catholic religion because I don’t want them to go through what Ive seen many people go through. But here in our community, when a man marries a woman, it is automatically assumed that the faith of the woman is the faith the children will grow up learning. For example, my mother cried so much when my brother married his wife…she is not catholic, she actually is a non-denominational christian. She told me she felt like my brother slap her in the face by marrying her. My mom had to make her peace. Still she worries about the children they will have because they will not be baptized.

But from what I read, this will be a hard road…for the both of them. She because she is strong in HER faith. He because he is STRONG IN HIS FAITH. and somehow they both have to meet in the middle and they both have to sit and talk and figure what the middle is. There may be a lot of fighting…a lot of resentment. It has to be done.

 

[MonicaMariaGS]

Hmmmm…I would go to daily Mass! Tell her that you get to receive Jesus
Keep loving her with Christ’s love, and pray for her! Offer sacrifices for her conversion, fast, and start slowly by telling her about the Catholic Faith.
Leave notes on the mirror giving her a nice Bible quote that you think she would need to hear for the day, etc.

Invite her to come to Mass with you every once in a while, if there is an event that your Church does, invite her to that…

Slowly but surely God will show you what you need to do, and He will do the rest

God bless you!