Wife getting an IUD

[shannyk]

honestly i suggest counseling, along with talking to a priest.

your wife is doing something that first, affects you both, and she doesn’t seem to give a hoot about your feelings in the matter, and secondly, she’s OK with having an abortive device placed in her body and seems unconcerned about your potential children and the end they will meet, and thirdly, she is willing to do all of the in the name of ‘fun’, and having relations when she feels like it. something is deeply wrong here.

just an opinion, but if it were me, I’d have to stand up for my children’s lives before I’d worry about marital discord over lack of relations.

 

[mommamia]

Actually, an iud works much like the pill. The sperm are generally killed before reaching the egg. The newer ones also contain hormones. Yes, it does make the lining of the uterus less hospitable to implantation, but that is not the only way it works. However I personally don’t believe they are very safe. Maybe do some research on the health risks and start with those.

But it not really any different than the pill, it can have abortive properties, but that is not primarily the way it works. Not that you can deny the possibility does exist, because it most definitely is a possibility.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Maybe she’s realized she doesn’t have the energy it takes to raise a baby anymore and that the odds of her having a special needs child, which would take even more energy, is scary to her. Maybe she realizes she’s soon going to be in perimenoopause and menopause itself which is going to throw all kinds of cycles off kilter and is terrified of an “oops” baby.Maybe she simply feels done with kids and wants to be a wife and lover to her husband. IF her husband decides to refuse sex with her, I give it a year before she considers finding someone else who will.

I say this as a wife. There are many times there is something that I want to do, but I realize as a woman I am called to be in submission to my husband. While this doesn’t mean I am his slave, it means that I need to respect his wishes in all things. This includes my fertility.

As a wife, and a woman of God, she needs to talk to her husband about this. If he is (and he seems to be) concerned to the point of refusing normal marital relations, then she needs to seriously rethink her position. This is something a couple needs to agree on. NOTHING should be dividing a marriage, especially fertility.

It doesn’t matter if they are talking about contraceptives, or where to send their kid to daycare. One person in a marriage can’t just say “well, it’s my way or the highway, and I am going to do it no matter what you say.” That’s horribly destructive.

My advice to the OP is to seek advice from a priest, and talk to your wife. Make sure you tell her EXACTLY what your concerns are, and how strongly you feel about this. If she is still insisting to do so against your wishes, suggest counselling and remind her how strongly you feel. Fertility is NOT just her decision, it is yours as well. That’s the whole point of being married and being “one flesh.”

 

[shannyk]

Actually, an iud works much like the pill. The sperm are generally killed before reaching the egg. The newer ones also contain hormones. Yes, it does make the lining of the uterus less hospitable to implantation, but that is not the only way it works. However I personally don’t believe they are very safe. Maybe do some research on the health risks and start with those.

But it not really any different than the pill, it can have abortive properties, but that is not primarily the way it works. Not that you can deny the possibility does exist, because it most definitely is a possibility.

depends on the IUD. the Paraguard IUD has no hormones and is copper. they used to think the copper killed the sperm,but it doesn’t. Def works primarily to prevent implantation. The ones like Mirena, those have hormones but work more like the mini pill in changing cervical mucous and uterine lining. They’re definitely both scary. I don’t know why any woman would have such a thing in her body for years no less. It’s unreal what woman have been convinced is a good idea.

 

[kage_ar]

For women over 35, the hormones are way dangerous in and of themselves. How much like having sex will she feel after a stroke?

 

[Loboto-Me]

I was born and raised as an only child because my mom could not get pregnant after I was born. After being married and having given my parents 2 grand sons, I became pregnant with my 3rd son at the age of 26. During my 6th month of pregnancy, my mom announced that she was pregnant with my brother! A huge surprise as mom was in her mid 40’s and dad was in his 60’s!

Another “Thunderclap baby born!” lol

 

[Rascalking]

I mean NO offense to anyone-so please don’t take offensively!

Sex is very,very important to a marriage, in particular-to a married man. These calls for celibacy, while meaning well, seem to be cruel. You can’t just say, “Deal with it as a cross to bare…period. No compassion from us. Done, done done.”

Look, I’m no canon lawyer, no doctor (in fact, I have NO idea what an IUD is and frankly, I don’t really want to know) and don’t claim to have all the answers-but dude, my heart breaks for you.

Without a doubt, please talk to a therapist and a priest. In depth talks.

I’m praying for both of you…big time.

 

[The_Bucket]

Honestly, how an IUD works is really not well known. Trial and error with camels (yes, camels… don’t want a female camel getting pregnant on a long caravan journey) led to IUDs being used on human beings. Theories abound on how exactly having something in the uterus prevents conception but it just does. Could be an abortificiant, could very well not be. I don’t know and there’s no real scientific consensus on this.

And yeah, I agree with Rascalking that you can’t just casually say “oh well, time for celibacy for you!” especially since there is clearly something up with the marriage to begin with since this guy’s wife is making this decision on her own.

Talk to a priest and talk to some pro-life doctors and then follow your conscience. Also pray hard for your wife who really is making a terrible decision here.

 

[Theophorus]

Has the Magisterium come out with anything else in recent years addressing some of the new nuances with respect to contraceptives? I.e., the arbotifacient qualites of some cntraceptive devices and all that that entails?

The most recent document on issues like this was dignitas personae published in 2008.
it refers to various bioethical questions including IUD’s:

In order to promote wider use of interceptive methods,[43] it is sometimes stated that the way in which they function is not sufficiently understood. It is true that there is not always complete knowledge of the way that different pharmaceuticals operate, but scientific studies indicate that the effect of inhibiting implantation is certainly present, even if this does not mean that such interceptives cause an abortion every time they are used, also because conception does not occur after every act of sexual intercourse. It must be noted, however, that anyone who seeks to prevent the implantation of an embryo which may possibly have been conceived and who therefore either requests or prescribes such a pharmaceutical, generally intends abortion.

from the reference section:

[43] The interceptive methods which are best known are the IUD (intrauterine device) and the so-called “morning-after pills”

it can be found at:
vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_20081208_dignitas-personae_en.html

Do talk to a Priest
God Bless

 

[PassingThru]

Honest question:

Why do so many think she needs therapy, or is somehow in mental breakdown? Like the OP said, she is likely scared of getting pregnant at 40s+, and probably has trouble with readings as menopause approaches. This sounds totally reasonable logic to me. Not to say as a Catholic it is acceptable. But therapy? Is there something I am missing here?

 

[staglo]

NPF is really the most natural way to prevent pregnancy, but this method can fail and it is not 100% accurate. I got pregnant when I did not want to, (I still don’t know how I got pregnant) it was a very emotional journey for me because having a planned pregnancy and unplanned pregnancy are different.

Pills and IUDS work the same way, the difference one is taken orally and one is inserted in the womb. They both do the same job to prevent pregnancy.

If a woman does not want to get pregnant and still enjoy sexual intercourse she must decide on a more accurate way of preventing herself from been pregnant. Using NPF and the husband using a condom (in my case there is no free days my husband must use the condom, because I want to see my period next month) or finding alternative methods taking pills or the IUD.

The IUD comes in 2 forms the Mirena (called the IUS) which release hormones, and prevents any form of fertislation, the same hormones you find in a pill(which is taking orally that prevents pregnancy), so having an ectopic pregnancy is very very unlikely. It is even known to prevent or threat women who have very heavy menstrual cycly period

The IUD which is simply called the Coil is placed in the womb and does not realese any form of hormones, so pregnancy or ectopic pregnancy may be likely in some.

Can I just the say the best way to help your wife is to seek medical advice, so she knows the risks involved.

Can I also say the best way is to support her emotionally, place yourself in her shoes, and understand why she does not want to be a middle aged mum struggling in diapers or having to do nursery runs, and why she sometimes she needs to feel the need to make that choice.

She needs to find the balance and be happy with her choices with you supporting her spiritually and emotionally

 

[Litcrit]

I’m not a theologian or a canon lawyer, but it seems to me that if one person in a marriage is prepared to kill babies lawfully conceived in matrimony against the other person’s wishes, that other person should not be the responsible for making sure that no children are conceived. Conceiving babies in marriage cannot be a sin, killing them is. If the husband in question is participating in possibly conceiving babies, and has made it clear that he does not want them killed, he is just creating life, not destroying it. If she has an instrument planted in her body that will kill any conceived babies, she is the one morally responsible.

Which doesn’t mean I think the OP should just go and merrily have sex with a wife who is putting him in this situation. They need to resolve this.

I’m just saying, if my husband said he wanted no more children, and would kill any that were born to us, I wouldn’t think my responsibility would be to not have sex with him so no children would be conceived who would then be killed. I’d do something else.

 

[shannyk]

but sometimes you have to go beyond what the minimum requirement is.

his wife should not be putting him in this position to begin with.

 

[kage_ar]

Can I also say the best way is to support her emotionally, place yourself in her shoes, and understand why she does not want to be a middle aged mum struggling in diapers or having to do nursery runs, and why she sometimes she needs to feel the need to make that choice.

She needs to find the balance and be happy with her choices with you supporting her spiritually and emotionally

Supporting her in the most IMPORTANT way, spiritually, means first and foremost not encouraging or supporting her sin.

Artificial contraception is an evil sin. No pretty words make it different.

If she has trouble reading her signs witn NFP, she is free to use a different method. I am one of those 40 something women with SERIOUS health reasons to avoid. I have no trouble with my signs, if I did, I’d buy a fertility monitor so fast it would make your head spin.

There is no reason, other than to give in to Satan’s urgings, to use ABC. None.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Honest question:

Why do so many think she needs therapy, or is somehow in mental breakdown? Like the OP said, she is likely scared of getting pregnant at 40s+, and probably has trouble with readings as menopause approaches. This sounds totally reasonable logic to me. Not to say as a Catholic it is acceptable. But therapy? Is there something I am missing here?

Yes, you are missing something here. First, many suggested he talk to a priest for spiritual counseling. We regard contraception as a serious sin, and sin is primarily a spiritual problem (that may have physical consequences.) Others also suggested that *the couple *seek counseling help with their marriage. This woman previously followed Church teachings along with her husband. She now wants to use the IUD against her husbands wishes and against the morality she previously lived by. Something changed. The wife’s unilateral decision to use contraception negatively affects her husband, his faith life, and her marriage.

While from your perspective you might think her behavior and fears are perfectly normal, people who follow the Church teachings recognize that even if she’s afraid of pregnancy, her reaction to her fears aren’t normal for a Catholic who has used NFP for years. Maybe NFP has become more difficult during her peri-menopausal years. Maybe she’s having a mid-life crisis and is tired of being a mom and wife. Maybe there’s something the husband can do to help his wife and his marriage. (Or maybe they will have a hard time finding a counselor who doesn’t approach this from the secular perspective similar to this poster. I recommend the husband speak to a good priest first, perhaps under the seal in the Confessional. If the priest recommends counseling, get a referral to a good Catholic counselor.)

In any case, something (besides the IUD) now comes between this husband and his wife. The IUD is more than just contraception–it symbol, lodged deep within her womb, that physically represents that something changed in this woman and her marriage.

 

[dashso40]

I am 40 and feel like I do not really want anymore children, but I have changed lately. However, I did have an IUD for a few months partly for medical reasons but it does obviously stop pregnancy. When I learned more and more about my faith and what Jesus wants, I got it removed immediately. If I become pregnant, so be it, it is His choice. It is hard to be open to life when you know how hard (yet rewarding)raising a baby is.Especially past 40. I prayed and asked for forgivness from Jesus after I got it removed and I feel so much better knowing that I am open to life and following His way.
Maybe she’ll come around and change her mind. I did and I use to be a nonbeliever. Change can happen, pray ,talk to her about being open to life. You could tell her the chances of getting pregnant are very low after 45, although it has happened.
Good luck

 

[The_Bucket]

Honest question:

Why do so many think she needs therapy, or is somehow in mental breakdown? Like the OP said, she is likely scared of getting pregnant at 40s+, and probably has trouble with readings as menopause approaches. This sounds totally reasonable logic to me. Not to say as a Catholic it is acceptable. But therapy? Is there something I am missing here?

I don’t think she needs psychological therapy or anything, but perhaps some marriage therapy. The issue to me is no only is she choosing artificial birth control, but she’s also choosing it against her husband’s wishes. I don’t see how it makes any sense that she wants sex without having to worry about conception, meanwhile her husband is totally against it. How can she expect he’ll want to sleep with her when she makes a decision like that and her husband is constantly worrying about the potential for his unborn children being killed by said decision? Obviously there’s some serious communication issues at the very least.

 

[Rascalking]

but sometimes you have to go beyond what the minimum requirement is.

his wife should not be putting him in this position to begin with.

True, she shouldn’t be doing this, but she is.

 

[whm]

OP if she goes ahead with it. Don’t have relations with her. A lot of the posts have been if it would be a sin for you. The true loving thing to do is to refuse because it absolutely is a sin for HER. By refusing you 1) force a discussion on the issue and 2) keep your spouse from committing additional sin. If you make this clear (as lovingly but firm as possible) before her appointment, she may avoid mortal sin altogether. Make it clear that it is not about you but out of your love an concern for her. It is our jobs to help our spouses make it to heaven. In marriage the motivation always has to be for the good of the other (or the both).

As an aside (not addressed to OP) it is striking the difference in reaction to ABC sins versus other grave sexual sins. They are very much related.

 

[Rascalking]

As an aside (not addressed to OP) it is striking the difference in reaction to ABC sins versus other grave sexual sins. They are very much related.

It is striking, but It’s also strange. Would people be more angry over a couple using the pill or a rapist attacking multiple women?

Of course, I know that more people would view the rapist as a worse person, but sometimes after reading some of these posts, I have to stop and think about it! (and yes. I know you can’t justify a wrong by pointing to another one, but come on…)

I think there is an “outrage limit” that people can have. If you get vehemently outraged at every slight known to man, how do you have the energy to get angry at things like the holocaust?