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Serap
Guest
so so sad. I have no advice; just feel for you TucDoc.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Please do try Al-Anon, Serap. There are Adult Children of Alcoholics groups but in a regular Al-Anon group, many people are there because of parents’ alcoholism. Some have also married alcoholics and/or given birth to alcoholics, but if you have or had anyone in your life whose drinking bothers you, you qualify. You will get LIFE TOOLS which you didn’t get while growing up. You got SURVIVAL TOOLS, not life tools. The 12 Steps help life make sense and work in a way that other tools don’t.
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oneofmany
Guest
You could not change her while you were married so why do you think you can change her now? Just remember you are probably a pain in some areas as well.
You are now divorced so stop trying to be her husband. It IS her house now and she has control there so stop thinking you can go in if she doesn’t want you to. You would not like that yourself if she came into your home when you did not want her there.
She thinks you trying to make her communicate is being controlling. And in a way it is. Read your book. Stop trying to make her anger go away, it will just make her angrier. I have a feeling she will be mad for many years. It should cool off eventually but not now.
All you can do is be a good father to your kids. Do not bad mouth her to them. That just makes the kids feel bad. Kids identify with both parents.
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Serap
Guest
Although worded quite rudely, this is very good advice TucDoc.
I think your wife wants to regain some control back that she felt she had lost in the marriage. I still don’t get it why she’s so angry with you? Perhaps subconsciously she’s really mad at herself and needs to direct it at you right now.
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rainbow1
Guest
I am thinking his wife’s anger is related to early childhood issues of hers that she never resolved…I suspect Tucdoc doesn’t know the full story of her childhood…so that makes it an extra difficult situation for him, because he is trying to rationally understand a situation to which he has not been given all the pieces…except maybe his exwife’s anger, which she freely shares. I so know this type of pain, as my ex did not even share about his early childhood issues until right before our divorce…after 25 years of marriage…then things started to make a little more sense…
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Serap
Guest
I’ve read that 90% of anger issues stem from childhood abuses and has nothing to do with the spouse that’s being attacked.
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rainbow1
Guest
I believe it! And the sad thing is that the recipient of it wanders around trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand what on earth is happening when it doesnt make sense because there are outlaying factors that are not known of… I still have to remind myself that my ex’s constant anger is not about me…it is a horrible thing, though, to be a constant target of someone else’s misplaced anger…I think it might be easier if the recipient actually caused it, then they could do something about it…
So we return again to that quote Tucdoc had posted about not being able to control the other party’s behavior …
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joanofarc2008
Guest
I can third this one. I never knew why I deserved the abuse I got in my marriage I just thought I deserved it. Then he left. Thankfully. Then I found the psych records. My heart broke for that little boy. As hard as it was it made it easier to forgive him.
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Serap
Guest
good for you!
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mamaslo
Guest
She sounds like she is full of fear. Even if there is no reason for it from your perspective. You said she grew up with alchoholic parents, which at the very least probably included emotional abuse. She sounds like she is reacting like I have over a situation I have been living through. It’s a shame she is being blamed for having a lack of character, when maybe that is not it at all.
My guess is that you are looking at yourself thinking, the reaction doesn’t equate to the reality. It probably doesn’t. If she had a dad like mine (he wasn’t an alchoholic but our home was as if he was), she is probably a jumble of nerves and fear over how you might react. You aren’t him, but it might kind of be an automatic reaction. I am only guessing. Figure out a way to give her space.
I can only imagine how it must feel, I have had moments in my situation, where I think I am going to lose my kids hearts, that something I am doing is going to help them lose their faith.
You can only control what you do and how you do it. You pray hard for them all, and make the best choices you can. Ask for help when you can’t figure out what to do, lean on Jesus. Pray to the saints. Journal, whatever it takes. Be there, even if they don’t want it right now. Continue to talk to your therapist, there is no real guide book for crazy life situations, but eventually, with kindness and forgiveness, you will figure out this thing.
It is all crazy right now. Everything is ruffled and messed up. Two years from now, you will begin to look back and start to rest. Right now there is a lot of advice being thrown at you, good and bad. It feels desparate now, but it will settle. You will live. They will too. One day at a time. It will be what it is, and it will be ok. Take a deep breath. Make sure you do some things that distract you from the situation, something fun, don’t forget to exercise…
(((TUCDOC))) it’s going to be ok.
My guess is that you are looking at yourself thinking, the reaction doesn’t equate to the reality. It probably doesn’t. If she had a dad like mine (he wasn’t an alchoholic but our home was as if he was), she is probably a jumble of nerves and fear over how you might react. You aren’t him, but it might kind of be an automatic reaction. I am only guessing. Figure out a way to give her space.
I can only imagine how it must feel, I have had moments in my situation, where I think I am going to lose my kids hearts, that something I am doing is going to help them lose their faith.
You can only control what you do and how you do it. You pray hard for them all, and make the best choices you can. Ask for help when you can’t figure out what to do, lean on Jesus. Pray to the saints. Journal, whatever it takes. Be there, even if they don’t want it right now. Continue to talk to your therapist, there is no real guide book for crazy life situations, but eventually, with kindness and forgiveness, you will figure out this thing.
It is all crazy right now. Everything is ruffled and messed up. Two years from now, you will begin to look back and start to rest. Right now there is a lot of advice being thrown at you, good and bad. It feels desparate now, but it will settle. You will live. They will too. One day at a time. It will be what it is, and it will be ok. Take a deep breath. Make sure you do some things that distract you from the situation, something fun, don’t forget to exercise…
(((TUCDOC))) it’s going to be ok.
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faithfully
Guest
Tuc,
It seems to me the only way to diffuse her anger is to not be around her. Do not talk with her. Do not try to enter her house.
Your kids will suffer. This is what divorce does. They will eventually understand their mother just throws tantrums. When they realize you weren’t even there. But what they saw was.
Mom tells the kids. You watch, your father will try to come into MY house while I’m gone as if he still lives here. You tell him I said no, and to stay out.
Kids realize that she was right. And she’s their mother so they mind.
Then she’s on the phone, backing them up. It’s ok to stand up to him…
You walked right into it. You were set up. And you complied.
Now. Chances are you will have to help them, your children, understand this. So for example when you son suddenly blames his sister because his homework isn’t done (made up example) because he’s learned to look for a scape goat, THEN you say, without bringing up their mother. I’m sorry. Explain how your sister caused this? And then explain how you fail to see the logic. You explain you don’t accept passing the buck and blame as an excuse.
People don’t like to be wrong. Period. They look for ways to be right. Your ex is angry with you. For lots of reasons. Valid or not. She will continue to find ways to PROVE she is right. You need to NOT BE AVAILABLE for such tasks…
It seems to me the only way to diffuse her anger is to not be around her. Do not talk with her. Do not try to enter her house.
Your kids will suffer. This is what divorce does. They will eventually understand their mother just throws tantrums. When they realize you weren’t even there. But what they saw was.
Mom tells the kids. You watch, your father will try to come into MY house while I’m gone as if he still lives here. You tell him I said no, and to stay out.
Kids realize that she was right. And she’s their mother so they mind.
Then she’s on the phone, backing them up. It’s ok to stand up to him…
You walked right into it. You were set up. And you complied.
Now. Chances are you will have to help them, your children, understand this. So for example when you son suddenly blames his sister because his homework isn’t done (made up example) because he’s learned to look for a scape goat, THEN you say, without bringing up their mother. I’m sorry. Explain how your sister caused this? And then explain how you fail to see the logic. You explain you don’t accept passing the buck and blame as an excuse.
People don’t like to be wrong. Period. They look for ways to be right. Your ex is angry with you. For lots of reasons. Valid or not. She will continue to find ways to PROVE she is right. You need to NOT BE AVAILABLE for such tasks…
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rainbow1
Guest
Oh yes, I so understand you…one of the very few things I have left of my ex’s which really should be his is a framed picture of him when he was a very tiny little boy. Whenever I think of that picture, I feel such compassion for him…and it reminds me despite all he does, he truly is a child of God…and even last week I was trying to decide if this is the time to return it to him…I don’t think he would treasure it though…ughhh…as silly as it sounds, I am not quite sure I am ready to give that to him…my heart breaks for that little boy too…
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joanofarc2008
Guest
I would say that is a decision I can’t make for you. I am sooo ready to get the psych records out of my house but don’t want to destroy them until after the annulment process is completed. I don’t have anyone at this point who will hold them for me so they are stuck here. It is what it is. For a while it was a safety net - now it is an albatross.
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EasterJoy
Guest
You can’t know what’s going on in someone else’s head, and unless it is your job to guide them through their difficulties, you don’t usually need to know. Certainly if they won’t or can’t tell you, there are plenty of ways to go wrong by guessing. Even if you know perfectly what is wrong and what the solution is, if the person in question is your ex, you probably ought to resign yourself to the reality that you are not going to be his or her guide. You have to accept their decision to exclude you from that role, even when you’re getting mixed signals on that count. It is better to respect their decision and let them make their own way.
There is a good reason that Mother Teresa was fond of saying, “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.” It is because accepting that you do not have full control of the outcomes in your life, let alone the lives of others, is necessary to have peace and serenity.
Again, I think Al-Anon, Melody Beattie, and those with experience in dealing with the limited nature of our control over the other people in our life chart a good course. It is not necessary to spend a lot of time getting into other people’s heads. Having a just, realistic, and healthy way to deal with their outer behaviors is sufficient. Let charity operate there, and let the Lord take care of the rest.
Not always easy to do, but I think that is the right track!
There is a good reason that Mother Teresa was fond of saying, “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.” It is because accepting that you do not have full control of the outcomes in your life, let alone the lives of others, is necessary to have peace and serenity.
Again, I think Al-Anon, Melody Beattie, and those with experience in dealing with the limited nature of our control over the other people in our life chart a good course. It is not necessary to spend a lot of time getting into other people’s heads. Having a just, realistic, and healthy way to deal with their outer behaviors is sufficient. Let charity operate there, and let the Lord take care of the rest.
Not always easy to do, but I think that is the right track!
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oneofmany
Guest
I don’t mean to be rude but Turdoc really needs to accept reality. My hubby had to as well. He was divorced for 3 years before I met him.
His ex could do things to drive him crazy. Not talk to him even when he was in the same room and expecting the kids to ignore him as well, like he was invisible. Hanging up on him.
If you think about it Turdoc, you probably saw a lot of this behavior from her in the past. My hubby saw it with his ex. Blaming everyone for her problems and her bad feelings. Never her fault. It will continue. Best thing is to back away and learn ways to deflect it.
Things will get better, that is for sure but you do need to give it some time. Do things for yourself and be there for your kids. That is all you can do.
His ex could do things to drive him crazy. Not talk to him even when he was in the same room and expecting the kids to ignore him as well, like he was invisible. Hanging up on him.
If you think about it Turdoc, you probably saw a lot of this behavior from her in the past. My hubby saw it with his ex. Blaming everyone for her problems and her bad feelings. Never her fault. It will continue. Best thing is to back away and learn ways to deflect it.
Things will get better, that is for sure but you do need to give it some time. Do things for yourself and be there for your kids. That is all you can do.
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Diosesamor
Guest
I’m sorry for your pain. This sounds like such a horrible situation. But I hope you are spending plenty of time before the Blessed Sacrament, and in daily prayer and that you attned mass frequently. Looking back there had to be a distance or a void created by a couple that let love grow cold instead of really working to fall in deeper love. It happens often. Too busy with the kids, too busy with work, the club, chores, family and friends— where is that couple time? Whatever happened, don’t dwell on it but do learn from it. Ask yourself what made you a great husband (besides being a great provider) and what made you a not so great husband. This will shed light on this darkness And prepare you for the rest of your life.
Now, you will always be connected to her somehow because of your kids so you might consider writing to her or somehow making sure that in the midst of all he nasty chaos that she can hear you say : “I really love you and planned to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m sorry for whatever I didn’t do for our marriage. But I am determined to be a good parent. Please help me, we have to do this for our kids.”
can’t do that? Refuse to? That’s fine. But the truth is hat you will be in eachothers lives forever… May as well start finding ways to make peace.
Eventually your kids will figure out the truth. Always happens. God bless you and help you be strong.
Now, you will always be connected to her somehow because of your kids so you might consider writing to her or somehow making sure that in the midst of all he nasty chaos that she can hear you say : “I really love you and planned to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m sorry for whatever I didn’t do for our marriage. But I am determined to be a good parent. Please help me, we have to do this for our kids.”
can’t do that? Refuse to? That’s fine. But the truth is hat you will be in eachothers lives forever… May as well start finding ways to make peace.
Eventually your kids will figure out the truth. Always happens. God bless you and help you be strong.
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Diosesamor
Guest
Sorry about my typos!
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rainbow1
Guest
That is so beautiful!!!
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qui_est_ce
Guest
This has already been addressed in Part 1. She does not want to make peace with him.
They do, and meantime, he has to deal with a lot of pain.
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rainbow1
Guest
After my ex left, I told him those words almost verbatim, and although he refused to make any peace at all, it helped me move forward…I am thinking that 4 1/2 years down the road that I still could say something like that modified, just to continue to make a statement about how important peace truly is…my ex will not hear it, but it still might help me to say it again…This has already been addressed in Part 1. She does not want to make peace with him.
They do, and meantime, he has to deal with a lot of pain.
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