Wife Has Given Up - Part 2

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Diosesamor said:
I’m sorry for your pain. This sounds like such a horrible situation. But I hope you are spending plenty of time before the Blessed Sacrament, and in daily prayer and that you attned mass frequently. Looking back there had to be a distance or a void created by a couple that let love grow cold instead of really working to fall in deeper love. It happens often. Too busy with the kids, too busy with work, the club, chores, family and friends— where is that couple time? Whatever happened, don’t dwell on it but do learn from it. Ask yourself what made you a great husband (besides being a great provider) and what made you a not so great husband. This will shed light on this darkness And prepare you for the rest of your life.

Now, you will always be connected to her somehow because of your kids so you might consider writing to her or somehow making sure that in the midst of all he nasty chaos that she can hear you say : “I really love you and planned to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m sorry for whatever I didn’t do for our marriage. But I am determined to be a good parent. Please help me, we have to do this for our kids.”

can’t do that? Refuse to? That’s fine. But the truth is hat you will be in eachothers lives forever… May as well start finding ways to make peace.

Eventually your kids will figure out the truth. Always happens. God bless you and help you be strong.
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I have told my young relatives this many times: Be careful who you marry. You can divorce a spouse, but an ex is forever.

It is not true that “Looking back there had to be a distance or a void created by a couple that let love grow cold instead of really working to fall in deeper love”. That can be true, but it is not always true. and so the Church does not teach that. It takes only one person to selfishly and stubbornly to decide to sin, and a civil divorce in order to keep some semblance of peace and justice between the spouses becomes the only option.

You are very right that it is worth examining what went wrong in unblinking terms. Examining every possible reason for the end of a marriage is very much worthwhile, whether or not the marriage was null. Even when the marriage was valid, death can intervene to free the living spouse to marry again. Even if re-marriage is impossible, the remaining relationship can profit from understanding the truth of it. People who assume too quickly that they understand what went wrong the first time too often re-marry into a second relationship that has the same unseen fatal flaws as the first. It is better to follow the lead of the FAA, and pick apart every piece of evidence left behind. The first crash was a crash too many, but heaven forbid there be a second crash for the same reasons.

People, including one’s kids, do not always figure out the truth in this life time. Even when they do, they don’t always want to admit it, because they have their own dogs in the fight. That is something we can endure, though. We know God knows both how innocent we are and how guilty we are–better than we do!–and we know God is willing to take our repentance, cover us in the Blood of Christ, and let us try again. That is something to bank on. It is all that really matters.
 
Thank you all for your encouraging words.

My son’s therapist asked that I meet with him tonight. He has already interacted with my ex during my son’s sessions. I am going to follow his lead. I had already suggested that my ex and I meet with him to discuss parenting issues, but he heard from her that she is not willing to do this, even for our son’s sake. So much pride.

I met with my therapist yesterday. She is Catholic, and she showed me passages in the Bible regarding trusting God, letting go, and having faith in Him. I am a planner, so it is hard for me to let go. This living one day at a time is frustrating to me, but I really don’t have a choice. I can see where this over-planning, over-thinking (my attorney referred to is as over-processing) woud have frustrated my ex. While she is controlling, she is more present- rather than future-focused. Often I felt this was short-sighted, and a mutual friend who is a financial planner referred to her perspective on investing as “myopic”. Nonetheless, it seems we have very different personalities and values, especially if we both insisted on taking the lead.
 
tucdoc said:
Thank you all for your encouraging words.

My son’s therapist asked that I meet with him tonight. He has already interacted with my ex during my son’s sessions. I am going to follow his lead. I had already suggested that my ex and I meet with him to discuss parenting issues, but he heard from her that she is not willing to do this, even for our son’s sake. So much pride.

I met with my therapist yesterday. She is Catholic, and she showed me passages in the Bible regarding trusting God, letting go, and having faith in Him. I am a planner, so it is hard for me to let go. This living one day at a time is frustrating to me, but I really don’t have a choice. I can see where this over-planning, over-thinking (my attorney referred to is as over-processing) woud have frustrated my ex. While she is controlling, she is more present- rather than future-focused. Often I felt this was short-sighted, and a mutual friend who is a financial planner referred to her perspective on investing as “myopic”. Nonetheless, it seems we have very different personalities and values, especially if we both insisted on taking the lead.
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You’re a doctor, you have to make snap life and death decisions. You need to be who you are…at work!!! 👍

When you come home, you have to switch gears.

Life is a journey.

Today’s responsorial psalm:
Psalm 56
R. (5b)** In God I trust;** I shall not fear.

In his homily, our deacon focused on that verse. He said “trust” and “fear” are the most frequent words in the Bible. He said fearless is not over confidence or arrogance, it is loving the Lord and knowing he is always there. He knows our needs and wants what’s best for us.

Sometimes God disciplines us. 🙂
 
tucdoc said:
…This living one day at a time is frustrating to me, but I really don’t have a choice. I can see where this over-planning, over-thinking (my attorney referred to is as over-processing) woud have frustrated my ex…
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There is nothing wrong with wanting to know or wanting to plan or enjoying it when you have both real choices and good information with which to make them. It is OK to enjoy being competent, to enjoy knowing what to do when you are given control of a situation! The only problem comes when we refuse to accept it when we don’t get that control.

Still, most people say that the practice of letting go of what they can’t control really grows on them, once they learn it. It is inherent to the path of serenity, and it is very useful in deciding how to channel one’s energies. Even if you always have the habit of wanting to know, the skill of going with the flow, the knowledge that you can do it when you can’t know, and the permission to let yourself give into that will come to feel very good, too.
 
Turdoc—don’t worry too much about needing to deal with your ex for the rest of your life. My hubby hardly ever thinks of his ex anymore. The kids are grown and have their own lives, we don’t need to deal with her anymore, only when the grand kids’ birthdays come around and we might see her at the birthday parties. Other than that we have our own lives and she has hers.

As far as understanding what went wrong—you are seeing a therapist and that will help. My hubby also saw a therapist and learned about things that went wrong in his relationship. His ex said she never loved him to begin with. Some girls just get married to get away from their parents, etc, etc. not for the right reasons. That is why the church now insists on premarital counseling—at least for the engaged encounter weekend before a couple gets married.

It’s too bad but some people do not take their vows seriously and won’t work on getting help when they are unhappy. It seems your ex still does not want to look at what went wrong and it is just your fault. There is not much you can do when someone is like that. Don’t waste too much time worrying about it. It takes away time you can have with your kids and helping them.
 
We went to Engaged Encounter, and she became Catholic before we married. I though we were on the same page and had shared values.

I would like to try to make peace with her, but I don’t know how long she will be angry about not getting what she wanted out of the divorce. Her anger also stems from me being unable to make her happy, and that I “forgot to love your wife”. I tried to explain the 5 Languages of Love to her, and that I focused on time and service, while she probable wanted more touch, kind words, and gifts. She won’t listen to me. I also said that love is not giving somebody everything they want, directly referring to the kids.

I am who I am , and I am trying to become a better person. I didn’t meet her expectations, and I accept that. If that is her reason for leaving the marriage, then so be it.
 
the quote “I thought we were on the same page” is a familiar phrase to me. I think the obvious is…“I guess not.” it is baffling to process.

She is just angry right now. It isn’t really the divorce settlement is it? Divorce and heartbreak regardless of the source are divorce and heartbreak.

Talk to your therapist about your trying to make sense of this. That is what it sounds like to me. You were sucker punched somehow. Now you are trying to understand why. It just hurts…

I am sorry.
 
tucdoc said:
We went to Engaged Encounter, and she became Catholic before we married. I though we were on the same page and had shared values.

I would like to try to make peace with her, but I don’t know how long she will be angry about not getting what she wanted out of the divorce. Her anger also stems from me being unable to make her happy, and that I “forgot to love your wife”. I tried to explain the 5 Languages of Love to her, and that I focused on time and service, while she probable wanted more touch, kind words, and gifts. She won’t listen to me. I also said that love is not giving somebody everything they want, directly referring to the kids.

I am who I am , and I am trying to become a better person. I didn’t meet her expectations, and I accept that. If that is her reason for leaving the marriage, then so be it.
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Yes.

The divorce is water under the bridge. You can forgive her for what she did to you: that is, let go of ill feelings about it. You can remain open to reconciliation with her and treat her in a way fitting to the mother of your children. You can keep doing your best with regards to being a father to your children.

You can’t control her feelings, and you don’t need to correctly sort out the truth, the near-truth, and the wrong-headedness in her account of her own behaviors in order to act in an appropriate manner towards her. You’re working on finding the near-truths and the wrong-headedness in your own heart. That’s all you can do: take care of your own business and let her take care of hers.

As Mother Teresa put is: God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful. Do your best to be faithful in how you treat your family, and let God take care of the outcomes.

There are many medical conditions in which the only thing that can be done by the physician is to do your best to protect life and long-term capacity while the syndrome runs its course. I think that is what you’re trying to do. Hang in there, and don’t second-guess yourself because you can’t change the amount of time this takes to work itself out!
 
You didn’t meet her expectations but you know what----I doubt any man can. Stop beating yourself up over it.

My hubby’s ex went on to marry 2 more times and divorce 2 more times. She never took the time to figure out that relationships take work. No one is there just to make you happy. If 3 men tried and couldn’t make you happy, then it is time to look inside and figure out what you are doing. Time to take responsibility for yourself and your own happiness.

Don’t fall into any guilt trips. You tried your best and that is all you can do. Both people need to work on keeping a marriage together. Seems you read the books and tried to share them but it didn’t work. You are now trying to read her mind as to what you did wrong. My hubby told me not to expect him to read my mind, he can’t. It never worked when he was married to his ex and he wanted me to talk to him about any problems I had. No one can read minds and years later should not be chastised for not being able to do it.
 
Yesterday was my daughter’s 13th birthday. We all had dinner together as a “family”, and had a pleasant time. I told her about my upcoming vacation plans with the kids (Disneyland) and she told me about how she plans to spend Easter with the kids (Opening Day) since I work that weekend. She mostly wanted to reminisce about the day my daughter was born, despite my 14 yo sons objections about the medical parts. I texted her afterwards “I had a nice time at dinner tonight”, and she replied “Me too”.

I understand that we need to have a business-like relationship for the kids sake. It was good to not have the tension and conflict. Maybe it is because Spring Training is starting as she is making plans. I don’t know if she is still sees her friends. I am trying to move forward. I realize it is better for the kids if she is more mentally sound, so if baseball does it for her, then so be it.
 
tucdoc said:
Yesterday was my daughter’s 13th birthday. We all had dinner together as a “family”, and had a pleasant time. I told her about my upcoming vacation plans with the kids (Disneyland) and she told me about how she plans to spend Easter with the kids (Opening Day) since I work that weekend. She mostly wanted to reminisce about the day my daughter was born, despite my 14 yo sons objections about the medical parts. I texted her afterwards “I had a nice time at dinner tonight”, and she replied “Me too”.

I understand that we need to have a business-like relationship for the kids sake. It was good to not have the tension and conflict. Maybe it is because Spring Training is starting as she is making plans. I don’t know if she is still sees her friends. I am trying to move forward. I realize it is better for the kids if she is more mentally sound, so if baseball does it for her, then so be it.
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Good for you!
 
tucdoc said:
Yesterday was my daughter’s 13th birthday. We all had dinner together as a “family”, and had a pleasant time. I told her about my upcoming vacation plans with the kids (Disneyland) and she told me about how she plans to spend Easter with the kids (Opening Day) since I work that weekend. She mostly wanted to reminisce about the day my daughter was born, despite my 14 yo sons objections about the medical parts. I texted her afterwards “I had a nice time at dinner tonight”, and she replied “Me too”.

I understand that we need to have a business-like relationship for the kids sake. It was good to not have the tension and conflict. Maybe it is because Spring Training is starting as she is making plans. I don’t know if she is still sees her friends. I am trying to move forward. I realize it is better for the kids if she is more mentally sound, so if baseball does it for her, then so be it.
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That is great news. Do you know what caused your ex to be so different? It’s good for your kids to see their parents being civil with each other.
 
Maybe she realizes the kids will still have a comfortable life, something she did not have growing up. She’s not bothering me for more money, including her attorney’s fees which “morally” should have been paid from community funds (while I had paid for my attorney with my own funds). Maybe she is planning Spring Training trips on my weekends with the kids. If this is the life she wanted, then that’s what she has. We all have the freedom to make bad decision and live with the consequences.

Has any one seen “The Way” with Martin Sheen?
 
tucdoc said:
Yesterday was my daughter’s 13th birthday. We all had dinner together as a “family”, and had a pleasant time. I told her about my upcoming vacation plans with the kids (Disneyland) and she told me about how she plans to spend Easter with the kids (Opening Day) since I work that weekend. She mostly wanted to reminisce about the day my daughter was born, despite my 14 yo sons objections about the medical parts. I texted her afterwards “I had a nice time at dinner tonight”, and she replied “Me too”.

I understand that we need to have a business-like relationship for the kids sake. It was good to not have the tension and conflict. Maybe it is because Spring Training is starting as she is making plans. I don’t know if she is still sees her friends. I am trying to move forward. I realize it is better for the kids if she is more mentally sound, so if baseball does it for her, then so be it.
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This is just a guess, but I am willing to believe this was the greatest gift you and your wife have given your children since the divorce. God bless you for your generosity of heart, and may there be many more such days with your kids! 👍
 
Well, I’m going on with my life. I have been paying her the "agreed’ upon amount on time, but it’s still not enough. I tried to do a reconciliation of expenses for the kids (extra-curricular and medical) and she sent a nasty e-mail asking about how she is to pay the HOA fees, property tax, attorneys fees, accounting fees and alimony taxes. On the advice of my therapist I gave her a brief response, suggesting she budget with the help of the accountant. She then sent a 5 paragraph all caps tirade about how greedy I am, how I “hid” money during the divorce (yes, money was put in my name so that it would be split rather than for her to buy a car) and how I have a “responsibility” to our children. She still doesn’t feel six-figures for 6 years is enough, but she is still not looking for a job. My therapist feels I cannot reason with her, so why try.

I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Her grandiosity and lack of accepting responsibility have destroyed the marriage, but they made for a very unhealthy relationship. She is emotionally abusive, and coming from an alcoholic family really is no excuse. Maybe God in his Grace and Wisdom has allowed me to leave a bad marriage since I would have never left it on my own.
 
tucdoc said:
Well, I’m going on with my life. I have been paying her the "agreed’ upon amount on time, but it’s still not enough. I tried to do a reconciliation of expenses for the kids (extra-curricular and medical) and she sent a nasty e-mail asking about how she is to pay the HOA fees, property tax, attorneys fees, accounting fees and alimony taxes. On the advice of my therapist I gave her a brief response, suggesting she budget with the help of the accountant. She then sent a 5 paragraph all caps tirade about how greedy I am, how I “hid” money during the divorce (yes, money was put in my name so that it would be split rather than for her to buy a car) and how I have a “responsibility” to our children. She still doesn’t feel six-figures for 6 years is enough, but she is still not looking for a job. My therapist feels I cannot reason with her, so why try.

I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Her grandiosity and lack of accepting responsibility have destroyed the marriage, but they made for a very unhealthy relationship. She is emotionally abusive, and coming from an alcoholic family really is no excuse. Maybe God in his Grace and Wisdom has allowed me to leave a bad marriage since I would have never left it on my own.
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I was driven out of a bad engagement, and I hear you. Sometimes the terrible fates that are thrown on top of us turn out to be our deliverance, only we didn’t know it at the time.

Again, I think you can comfort yourself that you did not just walk out when it got tough, that you did try your best to save the structure and only left when there was nothing but peace between you and your children left to save. I think I’ve quoted Mother Teresa before: “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.” You undoubtedly made mistakes of your own, but you did your part as well as you could. You not only need to let go for your own sanity; you have earned the right to let go, too. You’ve done your part. CPR can be stopped; the patient is not going to breathe again.

The good thing about giving up on trying to change her is that you don’t have the responsibility of coming up with her diagnosis. Giving her justice and figuring out how to co-parent with her is still your worry–for that, you have my every sympathy–but at least she’s someone else’s patient. All this letting go work is very hard, but if you are compliant to the therapy, it will pay dividends.

Hang in there!!
 
tucdoc said:
Well, I’m going on with my life. I have been paying her the "agreed’ upon amount on time, but it’s still not enough. I tried to do a reconciliation of expenses for the kids (extra-curricular and medical) and she sent a nasty e-mail asking about how she is to pay the HOA fees, property tax, attorneys fees, accounting fees and alimony taxes. On the advice of my therapist I gave her a brief response, suggesting she budget with the help of the accountant. She then sent a 5 paragraph all caps tirade about how greedy I am, how I “hid” money during the divorce (yes, money was put in my name so that it would be split rather than for her to buy a car) and how I have a “responsibility” to our children. She still doesn’t feel six-figures for 6 years is enough, but she is still not looking for a job. My therapist feels I cannot reason with her, so why try.

I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Her grandiosity and lack of accepting responsibility have destroyed the marriage, but they made for a very unhealthy relationship. She is emotionally abusive, and coming from an alcoholic family really is no excuse. Maybe God in his Grace and Wisdom has allowed me to leave a bad marriage since I would have never left it on my own.
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wow…your therapy is working. You 've developed some great insights!! Good for you!
 
I hope your son is doing better. I don’t know if the kids are still testing your commitment to them by being short with you or curt or rude. Call or text them at least every day and at bedtime. Even if they don’t respond they will note the effort, it will keep the lines of communication open for the future. It is so important that you take actions that show you love and care for them, much more important than words. PM’g you.
 
Well, there up in Phoenix for Spring Training this weekend. My son was supposed to go to Saturday School today (detention for not completing his assignments), and I even offered to keep him so that he could go. Instead, she sent an e-mail to the school counselor that he would be unable to attend and what other options are there. She is so selfish, preferring to watch baseball than to have my son meet his school obligations. Where are personal accountability and responsibility? That was her problem all along, that’s why the marriage failed. And now my son is learning how to be irresponsible. What can I do, other than pray for peace?
 
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