Wife Has Given Up - Part 2

[katolsk]

I see a lot of NPD in her from your description. Especially lack of empathy from her. This often stems from a rough childhood combined with a bad parental relationship. If it is NPD then it has nothing to do with anyone but her, no one is at fault.

 

[Serap]

I see a lot of NPD in her from your description. Especially lack of empathy from her. This often stems from a rough childhood combined with a bad parental relationship. If it is NPD then it has nothing to do with anyone but her, no one is at fault.

well her parents are at fault for abusing her before age 3 and damaging her entire brain chemistry…leading to an untreated adult mental disorder…all too common in this world

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, there up in Phoenix for Spring Training this weekend. My son was supposed to go to Saturday School today (detention for not completing his assignments), and I even offered to keep him so that he could go. Instead, she sent an e-mail to the school counselor that he would be unable to attend and what other options are there. She is so selfish, preferring to watch baseball than to have my son meet his school obligations. Where are personal accountability and responsibility? That was her problem all along, that’s why the marriage failed. And now my son is learning how to be irresponsible. What can I do, other than pray for peace?

That is heartbreaking. I don’t know what else you can do, though. When your hands are tied, there is nothing to do but pray and practice acceptance.

 

[tucdoc]

I have tried to excuse my exs behavior by blaming her turbulent childhood. However, I feel we always have a choice. Free will is a gift from God. Our experiences can influence our behavior, but ultimately we choose what we do. If the roles were reversed and I was the one emotionally abusing her, I might have legal action taken against me. My ex was able to complete college despite her difficult background. I thought she was a survivor, something I wanted to impart on my children. This is not the person I met and married.

 

[Irishmom2]

I have tried to excuse my exs behavior by blaming her turbulent childhood. However, I feel we always have a choice. Free will is a gift from God. Our experiences can influence our behavior, but ultimately we choose what we do.

I agree with you here tucdoc. Some people use their past as a crutch while others are able to move past terrible things that have happened in their young lives. I wonder why that is so myself sometimes. Sometimes in a family, some members are able to move past things they experienced and other siblings are affected in a way that cripples them.

 

[Serap]

I agree with you here tucdoc. Some people use their past as a crutch while others are able to move past terrible things that have happened in their young lives. I wonder why that is so myself sometimes. Sometimes in a family, some members are able to move past things they experienced and other siblings are affected in a way that cripples them.

I am one of those people who are called “resilient” “against all odds” etc.

However, sometimes, the damage done to the brain in those first 3 years does prevent a person from being able to be a normal person.

Just saying…because I’ve done tons of research on this for myself and have found that only 4% of survivors are like me.

 

[oneofmany]

I don’t know what grade your son is in but I do suggest you keep on top of his school performance and his grades—go to parent/teacher conferences, etc.

My hubby had the problem of his son not keeping up with his school work and going into his senior year he did not want to go to summer school, His mother went to a teacher and had him send a letter to his counselor saying he could make up the credits in his senior year.

My hubby knew he had too many credits to make up and with his track record there was no way he could do it. He had to go to summer school Luckily he knew the principal personally so he took it to him. The principal told the teacher to stay out of custody fights between parents in the future and the letter was disregarded. His son went to summer school----it was ordered by the counselor and he passed his senior year by the skin of his teeth.

Luckily for his son that was the last year they let students graduate with their class if they didn’t have enough credits----he still had 2 or 3 to get and his son was able to walk across the stage with his friends. He went to summer school that summer and got his deploma. The next year he would not have been allowed to graduate with his friends.

If your ex is like my hubby’s she wants to be the kids’ friend more than a mother. She will let them play if they want to. His older brother had to go to a metro/special school to finish high school since he did so poorly in school. That was the son who stopped coming to see his dad when he turned 14.

Sons especially need their dads to succeed in the world.

 

[Serap]

I would perhaps suggest well known private school for your son where the class to teacher ratio is lower and tutoring is available during school time.

Don’t forget your daughter in all of this. she’s quiet, but needs you to tell her how wonderful she’s doing all the time. she needs to hear how proud you are of her for keeping it together.

don’t forget she needs your positive attention very much so.

 

[tucdoc]

I am moving forward. I’ve bought a house and will be moving next month. The nasty e-mail and texts are going away, although last night she had to send one saying “what you did was wrong, It’s who you are”. I’m not sure what she is referring to, but she is still asking for me to pay her attorneys fees, after dragging this divorce out 6 months longer than necessary.

My son is starting to see how she really is: “she doesn’t get anything done, all she does is complain”. They are getting into more arguments, so much so that she doesn’t want to have a birthday party for him this weekend. She texted me saying she feels disrespect by him. I suggested he apologize, but he refuses because he feels disrespected by her. I’ve offered to celebrate with him and my daughter (it falls on “my” weekend), but he doesn’t want that now. It would be good for him to get together with his friends since he seems to isolate himself so much. But I don’t want to go against mom’s decision, since I’m sure he has been disrespectful with her as he has been with me.

 

[Serap]

I am moving forward. I’ve bought a house and will be moving next month. The nasty e-mail and texts are going away, although last night she had to send one saying “what you did was wrong, It’s who you are”. I’m not sure what she is referring to, but she is still asking for me to pay her attorneys fees, after dragging this divorce out 6 months longer than necessary.

My son is starting to see how she really is: “she doesn’t get anything done, all she does is complain”. They are getting into more arguments, so much so that she doesn’t want to have a birthday party for him this weekend. She texted me saying she feels disrespect by him. I suggested he apologize, but he refuses because he feels disrespected by her. I’ve offered to celebrate with him and my daughter (it falls on “my” weekend), but he doesn’t want that now. It would be good for him to get together with his friends since he seems to isolate himself so much. But I don’t want to go against mom’s decision, since I’m sure he has been disrespectful with her as he has been with me.

He’s being disrespectful b/c he’s angry and now he realizes that mom is not such a nice person after all. This is hard for him to accept.

I would have a surprise for him for his bday. Something special just from you. You and your daughter could take him out somewhere that he would really like. Perhaps a movie that he wants to see? You could tell him that you understand why he’s so angry and remind him that it was his mother that wanted this, not you. Tell him how much you valued life as a family and that it’s different now. Tell him that you will always be there for him and you love him and you are proud of him.

It may seem like it’s falling on deaf ears, but he will hear you and remember.

Congrats on the new house btw!!

 

[styrgwillidar]

Tucdoc,

I would not remind him that his mother wanted this. He knows. He may think you are trying to bias him against her, interfere, and he may resent that and blame you down the road depending on how his relationship with his mother goes. Stay out of his relationship with his mom, let him form his own opinions.

If he’s like my kids part of his anger/disrespect may be because he sees the hypocrisy of adults telling him he has obligations and commitments when those adults have failed to fulfill or walked away from theirs. Why does she/you get to weild the authority as a father/mother when you aren’t fulfilling the obligations of a father/mother as he sees it.

• Keeping an intact home - Modeling a loving relationship etc.?

My son has asked me straight up why his mother can do what she’s done, then still expect to punish or weild authority over him.

Since the seperation/divorce I have never told my kids they have to do something because “I’m your father!” I first explain the whys of it, if they don’t cooperate then I tell them it’s because I’m their legal custodian, or because they will lose X privilege if they don’t. I never play the Dad card. I believe I lost that right when I couldn’t keep their home together.

BTW, there are a couple of recent threads where you may be able to lend some perspective and assistance.

ETA: Celebrate his birthday somehow. Have you tried indoor electric go-cart racing? If they have one near you it’s really fun and a great activity for just two or three of you. Big party would be expensive. He needs to know that you’ll never regret your marriage since it had to happen for him to happen. Let him and your other kids know the pain however great was worth it to have them.

 

[qui_est_ce]

He’s being disrespectful b/c he’s angry and now he realizes that mom is not such a nice person after all. This is hard for him to accept.

I would have a surprise for him for his bday. Something special just from you. You and your daughter could take him out somewhere that he would really like. Perhaps a movie that he wants to see? You could tell him that you understand why he’s so angry and remind him that it was his mother that wanted this, not you. Tell him how much you valued life as a family and that it’s different now. Tell him that you will always be there for him and you love him and you are proud of him.

It may seem like it’s falling on deaf ears, but he will hear you and remember.

Congrats on the new house btw!!

 

[Serap]

Tucdoc,

I would not remind him that his mother wanted this. He knows. He may think you are trying to bias him against her, interfere, and he may resent that and blame you down the road depending on how his relationship with his mother goes. Stay out of his relationship with his mom, let him form his own opinions.

If he’s like my kids part of his anger/disrespect may be because he sees the hypocrisy of adults telling him he has obligations and commitments when those adults have failed to fulfill or walked away from theirs. Why does she/you get to weild the authority as a father/mother when you aren’t fulfilling the obligations of a father/mother as he sees it.

• Keeping an intact home - Modeling a loving relationship etc.?

My son has asked me straight up why his mother can do what she’s done, then still expect to punish or weild authority over him.

Since the seperation/divorce I have never told my kids they have to do something because “I’m your father!” I first explain the whys of it, if they don’t cooperate then I tell them it’s because I’m their legal custodian, or because they will lose X privilege if they don’t. I never play the Dad card. I believe I lost that right when I couldn’t keep their home together.

BTW, there are a couple of recent threads where you may be able to lend some perspective and assistance.

ETA: Celebrate his birthday somehow. Have you tried indoor electric go-cart racing? If they have one near you it’s really fun and a great activity for just two or three of you. Big party would be expensive. He needs to know that you’ll never regret your marriage since it had to happen for him to happen. Let him and your other kids know the pain however great was worth it to have them.

It’s definitely a tough spot to be in! I feel bad for you guys.

I guess Tucdoc will do what he feels is best. I would not want to be in his shoes. It’s a tough life, being a full-time dad without seeing your children full-time.

 

[tucdoc]

My son is still failing two classes, and will likely have to do more summer school. I try not to nag him about homework when he is with me, rather I point out the opportunities he has to catch up with work on my weekends with him. He says I’m telling him what to do, I say I’m making suggestions about what he can do. I don’t want to get overly anxious about his failing grades, since I can’t do the work for him. The counselor at the Catholic high school has spoken to him on several occasions. He feels the only thing that can be done is to emphasize the consequences of not doing his work.

I can’t control my son, just like I couldn’t control my ex. I’m trying to “let go, let God”. I don’t want the anxiety to get in the way of my recovery. The sooner I heal, the sooner I can help my kids heal. Any suggestions?

 

[mamaslo]

It sounds to me that you are doing good. Letting go, and healing…keep going to counselling and if you fall, go to confession, if your church has adoration, go.

I think it is important to have a counselor because they can keep you moving forward and help you not to get stuck.

One day at a time.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My son is still failing two classes, and will likely have to do more summer school. I try not to nag him about homework when he is with me, rather I point out the opportunities he has to catch up with work on my weekends with him. He says I’m telling him what to do, I say I’m making suggestions about what he can do. I don’t want to get overly anxious about his failing grades, since I can’t do the work for him. The counselor at the Catholic high school has spoken to him on several occasions. He feels the only thing that can be done is to emphasize the consequences of not doing his work.

I can’t control my son, just like I couldn’t control my ex. I’m trying to “let go, let God”. I don’t want the anxiety to get in the way of my recovery. The sooner I heal, the sooner I can help my kids heal. Any suggestions?

Let him go to summer school. It’s his problem to fix.

 

[rainbow1]

I am moving forward. I’ve bought a house and will be moving next month. The nasty e-mail and texts are going away, although last night she had to send one saying “what you did was wrong, It’s who you are”. I’m not sure what she is referring to, but she is still asking for me to pay her attorneys fees, after dragging this divorce out 6 months longer than necessary.

My son is starting to see how she really is: “she doesn’t get anything done, all she does is complain”. They are getting into more arguments, so much so that she doesn’t want to have a birthday party for him this weekend. She texted me saying she feels disrespect by him. I suggested he apologize, but he refuses because he feels disrespected by her. I’ve offered to celebrate with him and my daughter (it falls on “my” weekend), but he doesn’t want that now. It would be good for him to get together with his friends since he seems to isolate himself so much. But I don’t want to go against mom’s decision, since I’m sure he has been disrespectful with her as he has been with me.

The way I look at it is that a child’s birthday is always a day to celebrate…

 

[Serap]

Let him go to summer school. It’s his problem to fix.

I agree.

Just a reminder Tucdoc…I dropped out of highschool when my parents divorced. I was angry with them and thought, “why should I care if they don’t care about me!”

I ended up going back to school at age 19 to finish highschool (once I realized that working as a store clerk sucked). Then I went back to work as a receptionist and realized that it also sucked. So I went to university as a mature student and completed a B. Comm. Then I worked my butt off to pay off my student loan (it would have been nice to get some financial help from my parents at that time in my life).

don’t lose hope. sometimes kids have to figure it out for themselves. just be there for him if he needs help along the way. I know you will.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I agree.

Just a reminder Tucdoc…I dropped out of highschool when my parents divorced. I was angry with them and thought, “why should I care if they don’t care about me!”

I ended up going back to school at age 19 to finish highschool (once I realized that working as a store clerk sucked). Then I went back to work as a receptionist and realized that it also sucked. So I went to university as a mature student and completed a B. Comm. Then I worked my butt off to pay off my student loan (it would have been nice to get some financial help from my parents at that time in my life).

don’t lose hope. sometimes kids have to figure it out for themselves. just be there for him if he needs help along the way. I know you will.

This

 

[mgpm]

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me, about 15 years ago. It hurts so much, and the kids suffer so much. In my case I went to counseling with my husband to try to forge some kind of amicable relationship, even though he was the one who left me for someone else. It did little good because the woman he left me for never wanted us to get along and made it difficult in every way she could…and she was good at it.

I tried at every turn to be fair to him. He abused my trust time and again, made horrible choices for our two daughters, fought me every step of the way when it didn’t have to be that way. It was very damaging to our children. One of them is OK today and the other has a strained relationship with me. I had structure and rules in my home that her father would not support, so she rebelled against me.

But I did the best I could. I am sure you will as well. I prayed and prayed and I still pray.

My ex got our marriage annulled so he could marry his girlfriend. Neither of us was Catholic, but SHE was so he wanted to please her. Ironic, huh?

But the amazing thing is I came to become Catholic myself, through a series of amazing nudges God gave me. I did meet a Catholic man and we married and had two more children. I am very happy in the Catholic faith and with my family life now. My elder children are both over 18 and I have been liberated from dealing with my ex.

LIfe can be good and even wonderful again. It takes time. The wounds never completely go away, but God is merciful, good, and wants the best for you. He can make blessings from your sorrow. I know. He did so for me.

God bless you.