The money issue is a big one. She has a litany of house projects, each about four figures in price, that “need” to be done. She also complains about not getting cosmetic dental work done, or getting a $300 purse to store her I-pad (which she expected me to buy for her without any gratitude). She wants a new SUV. All these “things” are suppossed to show her that I care about her. This is BS. If she really thinks this way, then we are better off apart. I told her if I didn’t love her I would have given up on the marriage when she did 6 months ago. I don’t know if she appreciates that either.
I think this demonstrates about 4 different issues: the give-and-take required in joint money management when the attitudes and skills surrounding money are very different, the expectations by which you each get emotional validation by the giving and receiving of gifts, mutual expectations concerning appreciation and feeling valued in general, and the habits you feel entitled to use when you complain to each other. The fourth issue is the biggest.
Money is not the issue. She could win the lottery tomorrow, and it wouldn’t change your money issues. *Think about it: it would probably make them far worse! *The place money has had in your relationship is the issue. I think this is why so many marriage counsellors say that getting more money will never solve money issues in a marriage.
A good rule for marriage is to keep your eye on the relationship, and manage the money accordingly, not the other way around. The money still gets managed, but it doesn’t become a pawn or an excuse in a bigger set of emotional struggles. That is where the BS comes in.
The advice columnist who advises people to ask, “Would I be better off with her or without her?” reflects a problem with the secular view of marriage. That is the wrong question. It puts self before fidelity. The question, rather, is this: “Do I serve God best by trying hard to keep both of us in our marriage, which as far as I know is valid and indissoluble, by letting her go if she is determined, or by getting myself and our children out for reasons of safety?” Be as Christ is with the Church. Do not cut off any part of your body, excepting that it is dead or dying and another part will die with it by heroic attempts to save it.
"Watch carefully then how you live, not as foolish persons but as wise,
making the most of the opportunity, because the days are evil.
Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord.
…Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ…
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word,
that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
“For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church.
In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband." Eph 5:15-17, 21, 25-33
You’ll note I left out the parts aimed at your wife. You are not freed from your duties as a husband when she fails at hers. That is 50/50 thinking. That is not the mind of Christ.
If she goes, you may not be able to prevent it, but make her prove that. Protect your own life, do not put her in harm’s way if you don’t trust your own temper, keep your children as safe as possible, but also “Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.” (v. 10)
I’m not advising you to tolerate abuse of yourself or your children. I’m only cautioning that you not lose heart in a good work you have begun.
