BINGO. She’s getting everything she wants now, because she won’t be able to get them when she kicks you out. You cannot build a home without a marriage. Do NOT spend money on anything until she is willing to work on the marriage. Say NO.The money issue is a big one. She has a litany of house projects, each about four figures in price, that “need” to be done. She also complains about not getting cosmetic dental work done, or getting a $300 purse to store her I-pad (which she expected me to buy for her without any gratitude). She wants a new SUV. All these “things” are suppossed to show her that I care about her. This is BS. If she really thinks this way, then we are better off apart. I told her if I didn’t love her I would have given up on the marriage when she did 6 months ago. I don’t know if she appreciates that either.
I am so sorry to read this tucdoc. I can’t imagine what you must be going through…I seem to be the one doing everything to save the marriage. For 6 months she has refused marriage counseling. I’ve told her I believe she sought these two guys and spends her time watching baseball because of an emotional emptiness. I would like to help her fill that emptiness, but she refuses my help, only saying how much I’ve hurt her in the past and keep hurting her bring up the issues I’ve already mentioned. She really doesn’t think she is doing anything wrong. How can this difference be reconciled? How can we continue a marriage when we can’t agree on what she has done?
When I left this AM, I told her I still love her, that I want to stay married and be happy. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know if I can be happy with the marriage as it is, if she refuses to make any changes. I’ve been willing to change, but she claims that it won’t be long before I go back to the way I was (which means complaining about her spending and expecting sex occasionally).
And some advised earlier in this thread to work out an approach/timeline/budget to the projects with her. Has this happened?The money issue is a big one. She has a litany of house projects, each about four figures in price, that “need” to be done. …
. I told her if I didn’t love her I would have given up on the marriage when she did 6 months ago. I don’t know if she appreciates that either.
Isn’t service to God what we are all called to?The only way I can stay in the marriage is by saying that I’m serving God, as I’m certainly not serving myself. I’ve pointed out to my wife that we need help in addressing issues regarding money. Her d****d insistance on not going to counseling has kept us in limbo for 6 months. If staying in this awful marriage is God’s will for my life, than I have to accept it.
Divorce is never God’s will for anyone.I know a divorce will be very painful and expensive, and affect the kids the rest of their lives. But, seeing there mom crying about the past, and hearing her go on about these men in her life also affects them. They already say she is never happy except when she watches baseball. If divorce is God’s will for my life, than I will accept it also.
It is an effect of our fallen nature that God sometimes allows.For I hate divorce, says the LORD, the God of Israel
That’s a start.I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO?
The hard thing about posts is that you can’t READ tone.One positive developement is that she is getting a couple of quotes to fix our roof. It is leaking, and I realize it will be a four figure project to fix, But she is trying to find the best price, so I have to give her credit.
I think focusing on the well-being of your kids will help you all through this. After a few more months, your course of action will become more clear. Give it at least another year before you make a final decision. Some marriages do come out better having gone through the trials you are experiencing right now. Give your wife her space. Everything you are doing for her now is just irritating her. She seems to want nothing to do with you except your money. Don’t fund her sins. Keep up the house for your kids sake, be there for them, provide a stable home for them. In a year you will able to see if your efforts are futile or not. It’s true God doesn’t like divorce, but he gave us free will. If your wife wants a divorce there is nothing you can do about it. It’s her sin, not yours. Do protect yourself, though.I did talk to our pastor, and he felt that I should focus on the kids and give her more time. If this is the moral imperative, than I can accept that. As hard as these 6 months have been on them, I fear that a divorce would be worse. I will put their needs ahead of mine. Plus, I do enjoy seeing them every day, even when they don’t want me asking them about their school work.
That’s not true. My ex didn’t show his true colors until after we had been married for over a year. He was a charmer. Every once in a while the NPD would pop out, but then he would squash it. As time went on, and I became more dependent on him, that personality came out more and more.If she was narcissistic you couldn’t have ignored her for as long as you did. It would have become a huge issue almost immediately.
I agree with this. I was also married to someone with NPD, and it’s kind of like the classic con man. They are very good at lying with complete sincerity and making you believe them. They slowly become more and more controlling and manipulative. I was fortunate enough to find out some of how he really felt about me from the beginning after he was done using me which helped me realize the whole thing was a sham and to move on but if I hadn’t I probably always would have wondered what happened.That’s not true. My ex didn’t show his true colors until after we had been married for over a year. He was a charmer. Every once in a while the NPD would pop out, but then he would squash it. As time went on, and I became more dependent on him, that personality came out more and more.