Wife has given up

[Cindy1]

Tuc Doc,

Have you ever seen the movie FireProof? It costs about 20 bucks if you buy it online. It is one of the most inspirational movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen it a few times now. It may not be realistic in parts but trust me, it may inspire you and motivate you in your dying marriage. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but it’s about a guy whose wife is pushing for a divorce. There appears to be no hope for the marriage, but even when it appears the coals are dead, they keep warm for a long long time, and can be stoked back to life. And look, what have you got to lose?

God bless,

 

[tucdoc]

Cindy1, I saw the movie this summer. I’ve tried giving, but it hasn’t been enough. If I had really given up, I would have moved out of the house by now. It is painful seeing her everyday, but it would be more painful if I were somewhere else.

Styrgwillidar, I want things to be amicable, and I understand the benefits of divorce mediation. But last PM my wife had second thoughts and was reconsidering using an attorney, since we would function as our own attorneys in mediation. This occurred because she was telling me how her best friend and uncle are trying to talk her out of divorce, and she feels that I’ve been influencing them. I said that they love her and her giving her their best advice from their own experiences. Then I asked her to really try to understand the emotions that are driving her towards divorce. She started crying and accusing me of making her miserable. She says I try to invalidate her feelings, and I just ask her to try to understand why she has those feelings. She may not want to have that insight, so she will blindly follow her feelings to court.

EasterJoy, I need peace of mind to get through this process. If this is God’s will, I will accept it, and trust that peace of mind will eventually come.

 

[mamaslo]

I have been reading this thread since it got started. Someone has mentioned the movie “Fireproof” to you but I do not remember ever seeing the suggestion for the “Love Dare Journal”. That is what the solution was for the guy in the movie. They have them in the store like they used in the movie, there is also a website with resources.

As I sat here, I thought about what would it hurt to mention it to you. I believe it is a 30 day “Love Dare” where you have assignments to do everyday for your wife. ie, do something nice just to do something nice. In the movie he made her a cup of coffee as she left for work. Getting rid of any pornography was a big emphasis too…it was all outward away from self. It even goes over, day 12 (not sure what day it really is) and talks about how frustrating this is starting to get, it talks about the struggle and how not to give up.

The woman refused a lot of his kindness at first, but in the end, they both transformed. He started to lay down his life for her, and she responded to that.

I think they even have this book at Walmart. More than likely at any book store too. If yo haven’t looked at it, consider it. fireproofthemovie.com/ the website has good resources too.

I figure at this point, what would it hurt, really?

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy, I need peace of mind to get through this process. If this is God’s will, I will accept it, and trust that peace of mind will eventually come.

I do not mean you should not have peace of mind!! I meant to respond to this bit of nonsense: She feels she is at a different (?higher) level than I in this process. I admitted that I’m playing emotional catch-up to her.

I can well imagine that you are turning circles at her behavior, while she, having all the cards, seems to be just gliding along her own way. I just want to be sure that when you say you are “behind” or “playing emotional catch-up” that you don’t mean for a second that you believe her foolish belief that she is on a “higher” level.

Of course you are having a harder time adjusting to this than she does. You get what is happening, and she does not. You are committed to the marriage, she discounts its value. A three-year old can watch an original copy of the Declaration of Independence go up in flames, and clap his hands. Anyone with the maturity to know what is being lost would be either frantic or sad.

But yes, of course, there gets to be a point where holiness does not require us to mourn forever. If you can accept that what is lost is lost, there is no sin in that. Sometimes, the way things go are absolutely not God’s will, but God doesn’t put us in a position to do anything about it. You are not wrong for being willing to admit things might turn out that way. I’m not saying you need to flail yourself forever about what is. I mean: don’t take her word for it! Her ability to discern the truth is not operational. Maybe she is right twice a day, but so is a broken clock.

Be very wary of her “cheap divorce” idea. The default values in divorce are not set to favor a wage-earner husband over a stay-at-home wife, either in division of assets or in the terms of child custody. Of course she is comfortable with that, she gets more rights and more money. You, OTOH, should be wary. The “default” won’t take into account her history of taking off to parts distant with other men and not with the children, whenever it suits her. Why wouldn’t she want that?

Make sure you are well-represented, especially with regards to child custody and the terms of custody with regards to strange men (or women, you can afford to offer fairness) living in the home when the children are there. Fight for your parental rights and all the protection for the children that the court would give you. It will be money you will never regret having spent. If she has to give up your children in order to live with some guy, well, you may at least get the children instead of seeing them in a situation like that.

If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile. Every inch you save is an inch you’ll want someday.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Be very wary of her “cheap divorce” idea. T**he default values in divorce are not set to favor a wage-earner husband over a stay-at-home wife, either in division of assets or in the terms of child custody. Of course she is comfortable with that, she gets more rights and more money. **You, OTOH, should be wary. The “default” won’t take into account her history of taking off to parts distant with other men and not with the children, whenever it suits her. Why wouldn’t she want that?

Make sure you are well-represented, especially with regards to child custody and the terms of custody with regards to strange men (or women, you can afford to offer fairness) living in the home when the children are there. Fight for your parental rights and all the protection for the children that the court would give you. It will be money you will never regret having spent. If she has to give up your children in order to live with some guy, well, you may at least get the children instead of seeing them in a situation like that.

This is very true and very good advice. You MUST look to the best interests of your children.

styrgwillidar has told you his story regarding this point.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you can also be honest on this point: "I love you, I want to be with you forever, but I will fight tooth and nail with any soul ever born, no matter how influential or powerful, in order to protect the children and their futures, and that includes you. I would move the sun and moon to convince you to remain my wife, but if you walk out, but be very very sure that I will not be your doormat in court, my dear. I will always try to be fair with you and do justice by you, I have no interest in a fight, but I won’t be steamrolled in order to “keep the peace,” either. Do not fool yourself: That is not going to happen.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I think you can also be honest on this point: "I love you, I want to be with you forever, but I will fight tooth and nail with any soul ever born, no matter how influential or powerful, in order to protect the children and their futures, and that includes you. I would move the sun and moon to convince you to remain my wife, but if you walk out, but be very very sure that I will not be your doormat in court, my dear. I will always try to be fair with you and do justice by you, I have no interest in a fight, but I won’t be steamrolled in order to “keep the peace,” either. Do not fool yourself: That is not going to happen.

That’s a very good.

 

[BlueShadow123]

I think you can also be honest on this point: "I love you, I want to be with you forever, but I will fight tooth and nail with any soul ever born, no matter how influential or powerful, in order to protect the children and their futures, and that includes you. I would move the sun and moon to convince you to remain my wife, but if you walk out, but be very very sure that I will not be your doormat in court, my dear. I will always try to be fair with you and do justice by you, I have no interest in a fight, but I won’t be steamrolled in order to “keep the peace,” either. Do not fool yourself: That is not going to happen.

 

[tucdoc]

She has refused marriage counseling, does not want to meet with our priest, and is not listening to her best friend or family, even her uncle who is a mental health professional. She does not love me and refuses to focus on the marriage. She wants to divorce, saying she will be a better mother if I’m not around. She has isolated herself from our previous social circle of friends from the kid’s school and church. She does not have the social connections I have from work, as she has not wanted to work, making her even more isolated. Now that baseball season is over, she cannot distract herself from her unhappiness. I don’t know if she is corresponding with her “friends”, but I know that one of the reasons she would meet (over dinner) with one of them was to discuss her options. She has chosen to end the marriage and is just mulling over whether to go the mediation route or the confrontational approach. I don’t know if she can control her emotions enough to not use lawyers, and she may be debating that herself.

I’ve done all I can to save this marriage. I even met with our bishop, but she refuses to see him. I’ve gone to therapy to try to gain insight and to help me be a better person. I’ve gone to confession, recognizing my role in all of this. Nothing is working. I will wait until after the holidays, but if by then she hasn’t filed for divorce, then I will.

 

[whatevergirl]

Don’t file…just keep hope…keep praying. Your wife is in misery, believe me. These ‘‘friends’’ that she thinks will save the day, won’t. She is escaping her unhappiness with whatever it might be through them. Those friends are telling her what she wants to hear. When we turn from Christ…we truly lose our way. It’s like going through life with a broken compass. Your wife is lost. It seems like this is about you…but it’s about her, and battling against evil. I have been going through my own struggles…and the ‘‘friends’’ that I met along the way, were far from it…when I came to, and turned back to Christ. It may seem grim…but keep praying. Keep being like Christ to your wife. Watch Fireproof…that movie changed a lot in me, after seeing it. Even if your wife won’t see it, it might help you.

How often have we turned our back on Christ, yet He still sticks around, and loves us. We are to be ***like that ***for our spouses. I have learned this…and while I have a long way to go, I know this is the right way. Praying for you both.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Tucdoc,
If it’s of any comfort- know that you are in my prayers. The fact that she’s still- ‘mulling things over’ makes me suspect that in some ways she’s using the uncertainty to punish you. Maybe test your committment to her, I don’t know. If she won’t go to therapy than she probably doesn’t know her own mind either. But as long as there’s uncertainty she is in the power position, but there’s also hope that she isn’t truly committed. But no one can deal with this kind of uncertainty forever.

If it goes to divorce, each issue you make emotional by making declarative or combative statements almost automatically evokes a response from the other side. Something they may not have been hard-over on becomes a point of honor- just to prove you wrong etc.

My ex-wife also justified what she was doing by saying she would be a better mother because of less tension etc. The kids didn’t even give her a card for mothers day or her birthday this year. They have lost a lot of respect for her.

Prior to my ex-wife leaving I said I truly couldn’t know how it would all work out, but I felt like she was standing on a cliff with my kids and about to jump off. All I was left with was being able to pick up the pieces and try to bandage them. Since she did this I would add, it’s like she was blinded in the fall and lashing out kicking and hitting them now that they’ve hit bottom.

 

[whatevergirl]

Tucdoc,
If it’s of any comfort- know that you are in my prayers. The fact that she’s still- ‘mulling things over’ makes me suspect that in some ways she’s using the uncertainty to punish you. Maybe test your committment to her, I don’t know. If she won’t go to therapy than she probably doesn’t know her own mind either. But as long as there’s uncertainty she is in the power position, but there’s also hope that she isn’t truly committed. But no one can deal with this kind of uncertainty forever.

If it goes to divorce, each issue you make emotional by making declarative or combative statements almost automatically evokes a response from the other side. Something they may not have been hard-over on becomes a point of honor- just to prove you wrong etc.

My ex-wife also justified what she was doing by saying she would be a better mother because of less tension etc. The kids didn’t even give her a card for mothers day or her birthday this year. They have lost a lot of respect for her.

Prior to my ex-wife leaving I said I truly couldn’t know how it would all work out, but I felt like she was standing on a cliff with my kids and about to jump off. All I was left with was being able to pick up the pieces and try to bandage them. Since she did this I would add, it’s like she was blinded in the fall and lashing out kicking and hitting them now that they’ve hit bottom.

In uor human strength, no …no one can deal with such uncertainty. But, Christ deals with us…loves us still…when we are uncertain. When we are lukewarm in our faith. We are to be like Him for our spouses. I am sorry for your situation…and don’t tell you this, to dismiss your feelings on it. But, while his wife is acting out in a bad way, she may change if she sees that she is met with unconditional love. I am not one to talk. I have been a prodigal. But, my eyes have been opened to how we are to love our spouses. Literally, like Christ loves us. And if Christ only loved us when we loved Him back…where would we be.

That said…Christ doesn’t expect us to be a doormat. But, in the OP’s case…lots of prayer, and standing firm…might save his marriage. Drawing weapons to take on a messy divorce battle…won’t save it. You will need to surrender your pride, OP. It is not easy, I speak from experience. lol

 

[styrgwillidar]

That said…Christ doesn’t expect us to be a doormat. But, in the OP’s case…lots of prayer, and standing firm…might save his marriage. Drawing weapons to take on a messy divorce battle…won’t save it. You will need to surrender your pride, OP. It is not easy, I speak from experience. lol

You and I are in agreement. Anger has it’s uses, as humans sometimes we can’t avoid feeling it-- but we can’t let it rule us, or worse, lead us into doing something we will regret later. I have often contemplated the parable of the prodigal son as well as the line from the Our Father ‘… forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.’ We are called to forgive, that is the challenge. We give our vows not just to our spouses, but also to the Lord.

How Tucdoc handles himself during the divorce can keep the option of his wife returning open, or make it significantly harder. If his wife is committed to divorcing, then he needs to do what he can for his kids.

And as I said before, I have run into many men who have gone through this. Some have actually reunited after about a year. Sometimes it apparently takes that separation to realize that their marriage wasn’t the real problem in their lives. The OPs challenge will be to determine if that happens in his case, will he have preserved what feelings he can to attempt a fresh start?

 

[EasterJoy]

She has refused marriage counseling, does not want to meet with our priest, and is not listening to her best friend or family, even her uncle who is a mental health professional. She does not love me and refuses to focus on the marriage. She wants to divorce, saying she will be a better mother if I’m not around. She has isolated herself from our previous social circle of friends from the kid’s school and church. She does not have the social connections I have from work, as she has not wanted to work, making her even more isolated. Now that baseball season is over, she cannot distract herself from her unhappiness. I don’t know if she is corresponding with her “friends”, but I know that one of the reasons she would meet (over dinner) with one of them was to discuss her options. She has chosen to end the marriage and is just mulling over whether to go the mediation route or the confrontational approach. I don’t know if she can control her emotions enough to not use lawyers, and she may be debating that herself.

I’ve done all I can to save this marriage. I even met with our bishop, but she refuses to see him. I’ve gone to therapy to try to gain insight and to help me be a better person. I’ve gone to confession, recognizing my role in all of this. Nothing is working. I will wait until after the holidays, but if by then she hasn’t filed for divorce, then I will.

Listen to what styrgwillidar has to say, and keep your eye on the ball. Letting your wife abandon you by leading you through a divorce by the nose won’t necessarily protect your children. Defending yourself well against her whims will not necessarily lower the admittedly small chance that you can still patch things up, either. Honestly, it is just as likely as not that she will come to her senses because she realizes you are not simply going to roll over to her fantasy. At any rate, if she is bent on leaving the marriage, then you have to be bent on doing what is best for your children. That “best” is unlikely to be an unlimited amount of time with her. It may or may not involve filing yourself. If that is your motivation for filing, or the realization that you are going to lose your ability to live safely and peacably with her if something doesn’t give, then I think you are on the side of right.

The use of lawyers is probably far more in your interest and in the interest of your children than it is in her interest. I think it safe to say that she will be looking for the route that is best for her personally, and if it is best for you, that would be a very lucky coincidence for you. Do not trust her to decide how to proceed legally. Get your own professional legal help to sort that out, and do not spare the ponies or the expense.

If you are right and the common life of your marriage cannot be saved, then at this point your duty shifts to protecting your parental rights. Get yourself the best lawyer you can find–the best at representing fathers–and find out what (if anything) it will do to your chances of gaining custody of the children if you file before she does. Considering what she is telling herself about you, I would not trust her or her judgement with the parenting responsibilities or how important your presence is to your children. You need to know what you need to document, what you need to do or avoid doing, and so on. Courts decide on their own terms, and you need to know what those terms are. Otherwise, she will leave you with what she feels like leaving you, including the amount of time and the kind of time with your children than she feels like leaving you. That is not going to be what is best for them.

It is not fair that you are the one left being sane about this, but your children need *someone *to be sane, and it isn’t going to be her. This is an investment of time and money that could pay dividends in your relationship with your children for the rest of your life! Do not stint on it. Make finding a very good lawyer an immediate priority for yourself…put it on today’s to do list, be diligent in your search, and don’t rest until you have seen to it. Then steel yourself to do whatever he or she advises, even if that means staying in the family home for as long as it is legally possible.

Keep your eye on the ball. She is not just leaving you. She is trying to take your children away from you, and your home. If leaving is necessary for their welfare, of course do that, but don’t let her win by attrition. Don’t take her word for anything. You can do this, and your children need you to do whatever you can. Be faithful to them, as their father.

If you gain full custody, how can you take care of them yourself? If, God forbid, your wife died today, you would figure it out. If you get custody, you’ll figure it out. Get a good lawyer, see how things work out, and know that you are capable of being faithful, whatever happens.

 

[tucdoc]

Her withholding all affection is really starting to bother me. It’s not just that we haven’t had sex since my birthday in April. She can’t even lay in the same bed with me and won’t let me even hug her or give her a kiss good-bye or good-night. I can’t stay in this kind of marriage. What’s wrong with wanting to be with somebody who cares about me. Somebody who looks forwards to spending time talking, instead of dreading it like my wife does when I want to talk about us. I know a divorce will permanently affect the kids. I asked my wife last PM if she could stay in the marriage for her kids. She felt she would lose her sanity if she did. So, if this is how she view our relationship, then I think ending it is in everyones long-term best interest.

 

[EasterJoy]

Her withholding all affection is really starting to bother me. It’s not just that we haven’t had sex since my birthday in April. She can’t even lay in the same bed with me and won’t let me even hug her or give her a kiss good-bye or good-night. I can’t stay in this kind of marriage. What’s wrong with wanting to be with somebody who cares about me. Somebody who looks forwards to spending time talking, instead of dreading it like my wife does when I want to talk about us. I know a divorce will permanently affect the kids. I asked my wife last PM if she could stay in the marriage for her kids. She felt she would lose her sanity if she did. So, if this is how she view our relationship, then I think ending it is in everyones long-term best interest.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a good marriage when you find yourself in a very bad one. The only problem is that if your marriage has ever been valid, it is still valid. It is the only one you get, as long as you are both alive. Until proven otherwise, you are bound to treat your marriage as if it were valid.

Having said that, validly-married spouses may legally separate in order to have peace. I mean that if she insists on leaving, if she divorces you without your consent, you are not guilty of that, but not only that.

You are only bound to do your best to live in peace with her in a common home if that is possible. You may obtain a legal separation, if it is honestly necessary. If you really can’t live in peace with her, you are not bound to go insane in order to prove it. If it is required for the just division of assets, protection of the interests of the children, or another grave and just cause that cannot be accomplished in another way, you may even initiate a civil divorce, all while still presuming the marriage is valid. I’d discuss your actual situation with a priest, but if a truly grave situation is what compelled you to initiate divorce, there is no reason you would not still be in full communion with the Church. It is just that the grave situation has to exist in order for you to be free to do that.

The ball is not entirely in her court; you are allowed to use the courts if that is what is required to arrive at justice and peace. You do not have to let her run through your retirement funds, waiting for her to divorce you. You do not have to just live with whatever she demands with regards to your shared parenthood of your children. You may initiate the divorce, if this is the way you are forced to do it in order to arrive at just terms. Let’s face it: if you ever mend fences, you will have protected the assets that you will need together in your retirement. There is nothing unjust or unethical about that. Going to court is not a sin when it can’t be helped. You do not have to have proof of physical adultery.

If you are not able to get a declaration of nullity after a civil divorce, though, you may not remarry and you may not consort with other women as if you were single again. You may only do that if you are free to marry. If you are valily married, you are bound to her for as long as you both live, and you may not take another wife or pretend to be free to marry, no matter how unfaithful she is, and even if she commits bigamy by marrying another.

Now, it may be that evidence exists that your wife has never been capable of a valid marriage. I can’t know that. Just be aware that a man’s need for the physical company of a woman is not a need that is recognized by the Church as one that supercedes the demand of valid vows to the contrary. If you are forced to a civil divorce, you are bound to presume that your marriage remains valid and you must live as if you had taken a vow of celibacy until you and your wife reconcile. Assume that that’s your situation, until a tribunal declares it to be otherwise.

It is terrible that your wife put you into this situation. In spite of what part you may have played in it, I do feel for you. It must be very difficult to remain faithful. Please hang in there. You have been doing the right thing. Don’t give in now.

 

[tucdoc]

Easterjoy, I won’t give into temptation. As I told my wife months ago when all of this started, and she suggested I get a girlfriend, I don’t need it that bad. At the same time, the trajectory of this relationship does not look good. I have spoken to two priests from two different parishes. Both have know my wife for years, one has had a long discussion with her, and they both said they could help me with an annulment at the appropriate time, as did my therapist. I know that I could start over emotionally, again, at the appropriate time.

I suggested we try to make the marriage work for the children’s sake, as I have read the best thing parents can give their children is a healthy marriage. My wife suggested us leading separate lives in the same home, for the children’s sake. When all of this started, I told her I didn’t want to be in a loveless marriage. I would even accept intimacy without sex, if there were true feelings of love. I can’t make her love me, and I don’t want my children to learn it’s O.K. to accept a life-time partner who doesn’t love you. As much as it will initially hurt the kids, I feel it best to end the marriage if she has no intention on doing anything to promote the marriage. The kids need to learn that marriage doesn’t just happen, that it takes work, and that marriages fail if both partners aren’t trying to preserve it.

 

[Tiribulus]

Love is not a feeling. It’s a decision.

Not that you have any particular reason to care, but if I were in your exact same situation I would do the following. Number one is I would never lose sight of the fact that I serve a God who brought the mind numbingly vast cosmos into existence by fiat command. This God has made a specialty out of subduing stiff necked rebellious people unto Himself. You two are most assuredly NOT the toughest case God has tackled. I would be incessantly before His throne seeking His glory in this disaster.

I would treat her to an unpretentious stream of utterly demand free love and not touch her or make any type of romantic advance come hell or high water. That means things only you would know about that would be significant to her. I would probably not include “stuff” very prominently. She doesn’t need you to buy her stuff. Her response is absolutely irrelevant. You do not let a raised or unkind syllable fall from your lips under any circumstances.

Tell her you love her. Tell her how attractive she is. Do both judiciously and not in excess Tell her the Jesus you love can make your best years those that remain before you AND MEAN IT. (Yes you can) It will come for you and she will notice. Do not ever again repent for any sin against her that you have already repented of. It’s an affront to the blood of Christ and tells her you don’t really believe in true forgiveness.

I would sleep in OUR bed every night and let her decide to sleep somewhere else while saying nothing (for now) if she decides to do so. Again, I would not touch her, kiss her or make any other romantic gesture, except to say “goodnight, I love you.”

I would let HER end this marriage if she persists that far and even then I wouldn’t give up until she was married to somebody else (a bit of an oversimplification, but will have to do for now). I would never ever be the one to be seen by my God or my children as having initiated the demise of my covenant family.

Go on a holy fast. No food or wasted time with entertainment etc for some sane set period of time during which you seek the heart and mind of the living Christ with all fervency. How badly do you want to hear from Him? Fasting does nothing to change God. It changes you. It reigns in the power and influence of the flesh and tunes your spiritual “station” to a more clear reception. You think this is the apostate blithering of some deluded protestant? Try it and get back to me. He will transform your entire attitude and outlook on EVERYTHING. Your bleeding marriage will finally become to you the mere symptom that it is.

Will all this save your family? I don’t know, but I do know you will greatly comforted and edified, your children will see you living like a man of God and most of all, He will be pleased.

 

[EasterJoy]

Easterjoy, I won’t give into temptation. As I told my wife months ago when all of this started, and she suggested I get a girlfriend, I don’t need it that bad. At the same time, the trajectory of this relationship does not look good. I have spoken to two priests from two different parishes. Both have know my wife for years, one has had a long discussion with her, and they both said they could help me with an annulment at the appropriate time, as did my therapist. I know that I could start over emotionally, again, at the appropriate time.

I suggested we try to make the marriage work for the children’s sake, as I have read the best thing parents can give their children is a healthy marriage. My wife suggested us leading separate lives in the same home, for the children’s sake. When all of this started, I told her I didn’t want to be in a loveless marriage. I would even accept intimacy without sex, if there were true feelings of love. I can’t make her love me, and I don’t want my children to learn it’s O.K. to accept a life-time partner who doesn’t love you. As much as it will initially hurt the kids, I feel it best to end the marriage if she has no intention on doing anything to promote the marriage. The kids need to learn that marriage doesn’t just happen, that it takes work, and that marriages fail if both partners aren’t trying to preserve it.

Your wife seems to want the advantages of having an emotional divorce without having to have a financial one. Your children are not going to be fooled by this. They are living with a divorce right now. You are right: this is a state of affairs that can only go on for so long.

You have priests helping guide you and you have your priorities in the right place. I hope you have an attorney to help you on the legal end. A favorable consideration of your situation in court will not fall into your lap. I’m not for litigation, but I am for justice, particularly in the interests of children.

If it turns out your marriage has been invalid, then a decree of nullity is a just finding. By natural law, you have a right to marry. You don’t have any guarantee that your spouse will never sin or stray, but you have the right to have a true attempt at marriage.

You seem like a good guy trying to do the right thing. May God lead you to a happy and true marriage, according to His will, and may He do it as soon as possible.

 

[tucdoc]

Tiribulus, I explained to my wife that not only love but also happiness is a decision. She was very honest with me that she feels uncomfortable with me touching her because I made her feel uncomfortable sexually. She was more “adventurous” early on in the marriage, but now she says she didn’t like certain ways I approached her sexually. Perhaps her desire has diminished. I admitted that I was selfish and now want her to be comfortable with anything we do together. Instead, she wants to do nothing together. I accept how she feels and won’t approach her unless she is willing. I explained to her that I had little sexual experiences before marriage, and understood that sexual fulfillment is supposed to be within marriage. But, that doesn’t mean fulfilling any and all sexual fantasies.

Easterjoy, thank for your compliment. One of my assistant gave me the same compliment yesterday, and it really helps.

We had a joint session with my therapist yesterday. This is the closest thing she would agree on to marriage counseling. Everybody, please keep praying. We are scheduled for another session Friday afternoon, if she is still willing.