Wife has given up

[EasterJoy]

It’s not just about sex, it’s about companionship. I miss the women who enjoyed my company. This woman wants me out of her life. She rejects me every time she doesn’t allow me to kiss her good-bye. This is not good for the kids. My daughter asked why I was so “touchy” with her because I hugged her last night and kissed her head. They are growing up in a home that doesn’t show affection. I already mentioned to my son this weekend that I might have to move out and that it is possible we might divorce. He was quiet, didn’t really respond. I assured him this has nothing to do with them, they had not part in it and really couldn’t do anything to change it. I gave him a big hug and told him that I love him.

How can my wife let the marriage die, knowing how the kids will be affected? I asked her to try marriage counseling for the kids sake, but she again refused. She is so selfish. Yes, I know she is hurt, but she refuses to let go of the hurt. She blames me for making her the way she is. She has chosen to respond this way and chosen to not love me, but she refuses to believe she has any responsibility.

I can’t stay in a marriage where I’m the only one trying to make things work. I hope the kids will see that a marriage takes two people and is doomed when one person gives up. Yes, they will need therapy. My therapist also does family counseling. In due time, they will see her too.

You told your son you might have to leave. Fine. Do not leave if you don’t have to, though.

You can stay in a marriage where you are the only one trying to make things work, at least you can if she is not changing the locks and throwing you out. If you could not, then how could the Lord have said “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife must give her a bill of divorce.’ But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” Matt. 5:31-32

He also said this:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matt. 5:43-48

You have admitted that you have done things that have earned her low regard for you. Do you think you are entitled to have her let those things go? Do you think there is some time frame required for this problem to be finished? Sometimes, when you make a poor bed, you will have some long, long nights before you can remake it.

The Church permits divorce where there is no possibility for peace in the home. You are not allowed to leave your home because your wife doesn’t like you right now. You are not entitled to leave because your spouse doesn’t provide the kind of companionship that you want. You are not entitled to leave because the whole thing is too much work and you’re the only one doing your part. That is not how fidelity works.

If she leaves you or forces you out, OK, you did your best. The Church does not require you to continue on until your wife is forced to file for a restraining order. In that case, though, your marriage is only failed in the sense that you have to live your marriage apart. It is presumed to still be valid, even if you divorce. Don’t convince yourself that your valid marriage “poof!” because invalid one day because the two of you failed to do the work required to keep your marriage together.

Don’t burn any bridges that can still be walked on. Don’t let fear of the future drive you to despair. Things might get worse, but they might get better. Hang in there, as long as you possibly can. You will get your reward.

 

[EasterJoy]

Tucdoc, consider these two things:

1. How is your contention that “I miss the women who enjoyed my company”, implying you are entitled to the company of women who enjoy you, any different than what your wife has been claiming all of this time? Are you beginning to admit that she’s been right all along? Is she, like you, entitled to have a man around who makes her feel good, as long as there is no sex involved? Are your needs different or more important than hers? Or can you not do the same thing that you have been insisting that she do?
2. Consider this story:
   There is a home builder who builds homes for people, and he gives them away for free with this condition: If there was nothing wrong with the home when the occupants take possession of it, then the new owners promise to maintain the home and improve upon it, that they will accept the fact that storms and termites may attack it, but in any case they will either remain in it for life or else will live outside. (Mind you, the builder does the maintainence that is beyond the owners, provided that he is called upon to do it.)

Now let us say that a couple moves into such a home. They enjoy it very much and are thankful for it, but they do little maintainence on it, simply assuming that the roof and foundations are sound because there is no water coming in and the house still looks straight. Alas, their lack of diligence catches up with them. A crack in the foundation, left unfixed, has now widened. It will take a major renovation and a huge amount of money to fix it. Their home life will be entirely disrupted for the amount of time it takes to make repairs. Furthermore, the foundation is threatened to such a degree that there is no guarantee that the attempted repairs will be successful. In that case, the home would still meet code, but it would be quite uncomfortable.

If the couple considers abandoning the house, do you think it will matter if they remember that they must live out in the elements if they abandon it? Do you think they might be more tempted to abandon the home if they can convince themselves that they deserve to live indoors somewhere, regardless of what they promised to the builder? Surely, they will not be driven out of it, particularly not if they had children, unless facing the elements was truly the safer option! Staying would have to pose an actual threat in order to even be on the table as an option.

Remember what your marriage promises were, and to Whom you made them. Consider, too, that although sawdust and a mess is surely involved, the original builder is very handy at remodelling. Very strict about that contract, though, be sure of that.

Every day you stay is a day you get to be a father to your children. The minute you walk out, your opportunities to be a father are going to diminish greatly. Are you making the most of your opportunities now? Are you spending as much time with your kids as you would if you had a terminal disease? If your vocation to fatherhood is going to be gravely crippled the moment you leave, if you are facing the prospect of being made to leave, what are you doing with your parenthood now, while it still has legs?

Be a father as you would if you had months to live, instead of months to live in the same house with them. In terms of opportunities you will have, it is not such a big difference as you might think, should your wife (heaven forbid) take the bull by the horns and compell you to leave.

 

[BlueSprite]

TucDoc,

First let me say how sorry I am for all you’re going through. I can only imagine the pain you’re in. I only wanted to write because I thought my situation might just give you a little perspective…perhaps not. But I am 36 years old now. Female. Single. I come from a broken home. My mother was extremely abusive to my brothers and I and now I know, (after many many years) that at least a large part of her behavior was due to circumstances perhaps beyond her control…that is, I do believe she is chemically unbalanced. But like your wife, my mother came from a very bad background where her mother was an alcoholic…so…perhaps it was a combination of nature and nurture that brought her to the point she reached…I really don’t know. But my mother and father’s relationship, started out ok. Gradually she got worse. She would yell at my father all the time, blame him for everything, and I mean everything - and her unhappiness and depression was palpable. She got worse and worse and eventually was screaming at him for hours upon hours, every day. My father is a really kind man. But somewhat naive. And he had no idea how to handle a woman like this - in this kind of situation. Plus when a person’s mental status changes, and you live with them…it can be hard to see, or perhaps even accept, the decline. Again, I don’t know.

Anyway, so I don’t mean to get into the nitty-gritty of all that went down…but after 25 years of marriage they got a divorce…well, essentially she threw my Dad out, or he left, it was a bit of both. I was 10 at the time. My brothers were all older. I remember feeling that “this would be good”…that finally things at home would resolve; after all, she blamed my Dad for everything so wouldn’t that mean his absence would be better for us all? How wrong was I! Her misery was now turned towards my brothers and I, 24-7. It became a living nightmare.

Now I’m not saying your wife is anywhere NEAR the level of instability my mom was at…but judging from your posts, she does seem troubled. And it’s amazing how people can feign indifference when in reality they’re extremely anxious inside. Something tells me your wife, although she claims to want nothing to do with you any longer, actually does need you in some way. I say this only because it’s taken me literally 20 YEARS to see that my mother really needed my father - she needed his help and intervention as only he could provide that for her. We, as children, couldn’t help. And my Dad really thought he was doing my brothers and I a favor when he left! He felt we’d all be “better off” without him…he really thought he was the cause of her unhappiness! And of course why wouldn’t he? She told him he was constantly! But of course that wasn’t the case. He was simply in the line of fire. After he left, my brothers and I became her targets. Now this story doesn’t end well…again I won’t get into the details, but let’s just say she got much worse and still hasn’t recovered.

I hope you don’t take this story the wrong way. Actually there’s no reason for you to take it the wrong way as your wife is not nearly as bad-off as my mom is/was…but upon reading your story here, I felt there did seem to be a mild level of similarity-enough so that I just wanted to let you know that perhaps, your wife doesn’t even realize how much she needs you? I think there is a distinct possibility that she’s going through some significant upheaval…within herself…something completely unrelated to you and your family…that it’s something relating to her past…perhaps a very deep wound she has never addressed. She probably feels some new-found desire for “independence” and perhaps that she’s been “smothered” for many years. That you never really “saw” her, that you don’t understand her, that she needs to foster her own life now…etc…these were al things my mom claimed. In fact, I distinctly remember her having read Ibsen’s “A Dollhouse” and relating greatly to the lead character! It wasn’t shortly after that point that she had “made up her mind” to rid herself of my Dad. Eventually she rid herself of my brothers and I too. In fact that didn’t take long at all. But sadly…underneath all of her antics, I believe there was a fundamental chemical imbalance…or perhaps hormonal, which served as the fulcrum to move her in the direction she did. That is, she was extremely depressed, but refused to believe it; instead she believed her behavior was rational and felt this was the first time she was EVER able to do what SHE wanted.
----Continued—

 

[BlueSprite]

I can tell you that now, 20 years later, she’s miserable, and more impaired than before. What she thought she wanted was a grave error in judgment. And what is her legacy? A shattered home. Children that have been in and out of therapy for years…a few who barely function properly admist society… But I will say this. My father, although he didn’t stay, stayed loyal to her. And even when he was forced to divorce her within the courts he refused to acknowledge it as it wasn’t in accordance with the church’s teachings. And he still loves her, to this day. You see my father is very devout. He wasn’t always! But he is now. And I have been able to reestablish ties with him after many years. But have I forgiven him for leaving and not having any contact with me for 8 years? For having left my brothers and I alone with an unstable and abusive mother? Most of the time, yes. But that too, has taken years for me to do…and even though I hate to say it…sometimes I still think to myself “How could you? How could you just…walk?” I know, I know…we “seemed” ok, and he thought it was “for the best.” But he was the man of the house. He could have stayed. He could have helped us. We had no one else to help us! Perhaps in your situation, your wife needs your help too? Perhaps she isn’t even able to see how much she needs you right now? Maybe this is the ultimate challenge for you both?

Anywho…sorry…didn’t mean to go on and on about this. Again, I am truly sorry for all you’re going through, and it seems there are no easy answers. I am sure you must be vascilating through a sea of emotions. All you can do is ride them out and take it one day at a time. But I wanted to let you know that sometimes…sometimes…things aren’t always what they seem. And that sometimes, those who seem to not need us, are the ones who really need us the most. Is that your situaiton? I don’t know. But I think it’s an angle worth considering. And try not to focus too much on the words she says…instead, take a look at her actions. Is she happy? Does she seem truly happy? Is she behaving logically? You know her best. Who knows her better than you? No one! You’ve lived with her for so many years! Try to take in the entire picture…the entire scenario…and the context of all of it to really see what’s going on.

We’re all routing for you, and thinking of you, and saying prayers for you and your family. No one likes to see a good family crumble. There are too few these days. Really too few.

 

[SonCatcher]

Sad story BlueSprite.

TucDoc, do make sure your lawyer knows your wife refuses to seek counseling for herself (not just for your marriage). If the court is aware of this, it might force her into counseling in order to obtain/retain “primary” custody. That’s for her benefit and your kids. Your stated goal is that that the kids can live primarily in “her” house. But for that to happen safely, she needs to recover.

 

[tucdoc]

I spoke to my lawyer today. He advised that prior to my moving out of the house that my wife’s lawyer contact him so that a legal agreement can be drafted, including terms of visitation of the kids. This will protect me if I move out before a divorce is finalized. Basically, to kick me out of the house, she will have to initiate divorce proceedings.

I have stayed in the house so far for the kids sake. It pains me to see my wife everyday. Either I miss her and ask her if we can move forward (she always says no), or I get angry for what she has done to the marriage. But the kids have been better off with me staying in the house. So, do I continue putting up with this miserable marriage for the kids sake. I know of couples who are waiting to divorce until the kids are out of the house. I don’t really think this is a marriage. Besides, what happens when the kids move on. Now you’re stuck with a person you really don’t like.

BlueSprite, thank you for sharing you’re very personal experience. It means I’ve done the right thing so far. I hope I can continue to do the right thing.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Bluesprite, thank you so much for sharing your experience, turning the pain you have suffered into assistance for another human being who is hurting. You have given me some comfort and boosted my confidence that I have acted correctly in my situation.

Tucdoc,

You are doing the right thing by letting your wife know that you haven’t given up. That the door is still open, that is the best you can do for right now and pray that she has the epiphany she needs. Unfortunately, you can’t force that.

Where your kids are concerned- get out of the mindset that you are going to ask, request, suggest. NO. Demand, assert, declare, affirm. Negotiate child support, alimony, finances. State the conditions regarding your kids. If you lay down and make noises like a rug- you’ll get walked on. If she wants the divorce than she’ll have to meet your demands… otherwise you’ll drag this out until she does. And as I said before be firm but calm, be as unemotional as possible and with as little accusation as possible to allow yourself to forgive her and perhaps reconcile with her in the future if she decides she’s made a horrible mistake.

Try to enjoy your moments with the kids, in the midst of all this live in the moment- enjoy what you can, keep your sense of humor. It’s easy to spiral into depression which isn’t attractive and will be hard on the kids. I thought you said you were going to therapy, a good therapist can give you sound advice on helping the kids through this.

Another thing to ponder, you do not know how your wife will handle being on her own. But there will be more going on than her in the home after you’re gone. Things you can’t control, like who she invites in. Child molesters prey on single mom’s, they ingratiate themselves into their lives in order to get access to the kids. Sad but true. Another reason you must be there as much as you possibly can so they have confidence and trust in you. So they will let you know of their concerns.

As always, I continue praying for you. Not knowing your wife I can’t really give good advice other than sharing what I’ve experienced and considered. I think her being evaluated as part of the agreement is reasonable and a good step. Prepare for the worst and you’ll be prepared, and if the worst doesn’t happen you’ll be grateful.

 

[Tiribulus]

It’s not just about sex, it’s about companionship. I miss the women who enjoyed my company. <<<>>> woman >>><<< me>>><<>><<>>me<<<>>>she>>><<>><<< I >>><<>>her<<<>>>her>>><<<I<<<>>>I<<<>>>we<<<>>> I <<<>>>I <<<>>> I >>>.

<<< my wife<<<>>> I <<<>>> her <<<>>> she <<<>>> She <<<>>> she <<<>>> she <<<>>> She <<<>>> me <<<>>> her <<<>>> she<<<>>> She<<<>>> me, <<<>>> she<<<>>> she>>>.

I <<<>>> I’m <<<>>> I <<<>>>My<<<>>> her >>>

I do know your pain first hand and it is heartbreaking to hear you talk about missing her companionship. Truly. It hurts ME to hear you talk about it.

I edited that post just as it is. We have me me me… her her her… the kids, the therapist ( I left them out ). Where is God?

 

[tucdoc]

Bluesprite, I’ve re-read your posting, and am sorry you had such a terrible childhood, but it sounds like you understand how it came about. Understanding promotes healing. Your description of your mother’s behavior does parallel my wife’s, but seemed more intense and prolonged. My wife does refer to yelling in her family, and how she didn’t want that in our family. Instead, she suppressed her feelings to the point where they just blew up in her/our face(s). I admit that I lit the match to the powder keg when I called her b**** and pointed out how many women would want to be in her situation. I understand now that responding to her unhappiness with resentment was the wrong approach, and that she wouldn’t have sought out the company of these baseball “friends” if she didn’t have issues with self-esteem. I love my children and wouldn’t want them going through what you had to endure. My therapist encourages me to stay close to them since they need my stability.

At this point, I’m just waiting for her to move the process along. She now realizes that if she keeps the house it will be presently appraised at about 1/4 less than what we paid for it 4 1/2 years ago. She is starting to see the financial repercussions of divorce. She also has developed health issues from this ordeal, and is aware that medical insurance with COBRA is not indefinite. When she turns 50 she will have to look for health insurance on her own if she is not working. Maybe her head can talk some sense into her heart, because I sure can’t.

Tiribulus, if I really knew God’s will, there wouldn’t be a discussion, since I would just do it knowing everything would be right in the end. Our priests know my wife, are aware that she no longer attends Mass, and realize how difficult she has become. They want me to take care of myself, since I still have to take care of them, and have to meet my professional responsibilities. I gave my marriage up to God, and am trying not to talk about it to my wife anymore, since she just says I talk too much and give her a headache.

 

[BlueSprite]

Hi TucDoc,

Thank you for your sympathies (and styrgwillidar and SonCatcher) - that’s nice to hear.

I am glad to know if you can get any comfort or insight into your situation after reading about mine…I wasn’t sure if it’d be of any use but felt the need to just “put it out there” as they say. I guess I’m hoping it can be of some use.

TucDoc…there may be a light at the end of the tunnel in your story. None of us knows what could happen. Sure, mine didn’t work out…but like you said, your wife isn’t as bad off as my mother was…so that’s good…and I feel that leaves some room for hope. But I do know that sometimes that offering of hope makes things all the more painful, because it keeps you from moving. You think you have things figured out, so you’re ready to shut the door on it and move on…but then something gives you a glimmer of possibility and you cautiously open the door once again - only to have it slammed in your face shortly thereafter…etc…etc. It’s like being in limbo or purgatory, which is in fact where I feel you’re at right now…in purgatory, and that is a very, very difficult place to be.

So it’s good to hear you have a therapist that you’re seeing. I am sure all of this is affecting you in ways you might not even realize, so that’s good to hear. And that you have your priests to talk to as well. It’s important to have that social network. I know for men it’s very difficult as they don’t always have the outlets for their emotions that women have these days, so it’s good to know you’re fostering that network. Also like you said, understanding brings healing, and nothing helps with understanding quite like being able to talk things out…so all of this is good. Also, maybe like SonCatcher mentioned, maybe by following his advice you could get your wife in to see a therapist too? If she’s starting to suffer physically than obviously this whole thing is taking a huge toll on her as well.

For what it’s worth, I think the way you’re handling things is really inspirational - it’s very responsible and shows your maturity and don’t doubt for a second that your kids don’t take notice of it. I am sure you are a great example for them. Even if they don’t express it or even realize it yet, (as they’re still young) it will in time; for some day when they’re older, when they’re facing their own difficulties in life, they’ll look back on this moment and echo in their minds how Dad handled things, and mimic your behavior…in fact you’d probably be amazed to know the level of influence you have on them. It always amazes me how people don’t even realize how huge an impact their parents have on their lives…but it’s just that, huge.

I wish I could say something that could help here, but I feel like all of us on CAF, we just don’t know what to say? I mean, we can offer advice, and give you our feelings and viewpoints, but none of us really knows what you’re going through. I will say this though…I know my story above sounded incredibly grim…but some of us do make it through the fire. And I have. So if that’s at all helpful for you to know, know that. In fact I left out some other tragedies I faced in my life after all that I had written about (above) - as I didn’t feel it was relevant…but it would make for a good movie really. Almost unbelievable. But that’s life. Sometimes you’re just dealt a lousy deck of cards. But there’s a reason for it. There’s always a reason. And I can say in my case, reasons didn’t always show themselves until much later. Years later in some cases. And the beauty in this? Is that you gain wisdom…the kind of knowing that only pain can bring. And that can be very helpful. See I have learned that everyone has their own cross to bear…it’s just the way we carry them that makes the difference. And that you do carry it, that you don’t give up. That you get up, get out of bed, and keep going. That’s true success. And to echo what I said above…we really don’t know what tomorrow may bring. Sometimes we look back and see only a pattern of perhaps disillusion and disappointment, but that’s not really truth. That’s not reality. That’s just the view we have now, colored by the feelings we have now. In fact even within my grim story there were moments of sunshine that filtered through the leaves. I’d be lying to say there weren’t. Nothing is ever black and white . There was beauty, and there was love, even if it was sparse. But when we find ourselves at sea, alone and trapped within the mists which obscure our view, we forget. We’re lost and not sure where to turn. We’re not sure where we are, how we got there, or if we’ll ever get out. And naturally, being the humans that we are, we try to “figure it all out” in our minds and pretend we know what will happen because “that’s how it’s been.” But we’re not God. We have no idea what the future holds. So that’s why you have to keep praying and keep rowing, and keep moving, until eventually (usually when you least expect it!) you find you’re out of the fog and the sunlight comes pouring into your life once again.

Wishing you all the best and prayers for you and your family.

 

[tucdoc]

Bluesprite, thanks again for your kind words. You sound so positive now, despite everything that has happened to you. That in itself is inspirational and reassuring. I came to this forum for insight and viewpoints other than mine. It takes time to know Truth, but I feel that Truth comes from hearing many people saying essentially the same thing. Granted, this is a Catholic forum, but other websites advised me to give up and move on months ago. I married in the Church, so I agreed to abide by Chuch teachings. Centuries of experience count for something.

 

[Tiribulus]

<<< Tiribulus, if I really knew God’s will, there wouldn’t be a discussion, since I would just do it knowing everything would be right in the end. Our priests know my wife, are aware that she no longer attends Mass, and realize how difficult she has become. They want me to take care of myself, since I still have to take care of them, and have to meet my professional responsibilities. I gave my marriage up to God, and am trying not to talk about it to my wife anymore, since she just says I talk too much and give her a headache.

I’ll keep prayin. I made a decision to stay away from this site, but God has me burdened for your family for reasons that for the moment remain sufficient unto Himself. I don’t know why exactly. This thread are the only updates that continue to come to my email.

 

[Tiribulus]

You have no idea how “on your side” (both of you) I am my friend.

Listen to THIS song. No miracles promised, but wadda beautiful encouraging and God glorifying piece. I can barely hold back the tears of wonder and joy singing along with the chorus.

 

[tucdoc]

Well, she stormed out last PM after packing an overnight bag, saying she didn’t know where she was going. It turns out she just went to the store. I was on-call last PM, and after about an hour I reminded her of this via text, since I couldn’t leave the kids in the middle of the night for an emergency if she wasn’t home. This all came about after we started talking about how we would pay for the divorce. I had given her some money to invest in the stock market, which has done well. I suggested she use that money for he lawyer’s fees. She said that was “her” money, but I reminded her it was community property. From there she accused me of wanting the divorce just to have sex (she used a different word). I said it wasn’t the sex but the companionship I miss. She doesn’t want to be with me, so I told her I want to be with somebody who does.

Deep down, she may not want the divorce. But she has been unwilling to do anything to heal the marriage. I realize that if I move forward with the divorce and she is not ready, it will be more prolonged and costly. Yet, I’m tired of the rejection and stubbornness on her part. I asked her again what she wants and she couldn’t answer. I told her that if she doesn’t know what she want then she won’t find happiness. I also said that I want peace of mind, and that I hope she can find it too. If peace of mind means losing half of my material possession and starting over in a new, smaller home, I will accept that.

 

[faithfully]

I’m tired of the rejection and stubbornness on her part.

Do you ever wonder if these could have been her words about you for years??? Like about 6?

The thing is, you MUST be patient. It may suck BIG TIME! But the fact that she’s hemming and hawing suggests that THERE IS A POSSABILITY you could stay married 'till death do you part, and you will have wise words for someone your age when you’re 80!

You say you want to follow the teachings of the church. I don’t gather that you or your children are in physical harms way. You may consider getting a therapist for the kids so they can hammer out any issues, and a therapist can tell you, sans emotions, if your children are being perm. damaged from this. The church says what God has bound, no man shall break. And unless you can find that your marriage was never valid you don’t get to find someone else… (someone correct me if I’m wrong!!!)

I know this is hard for kids. I know this is heart wrenching for you! I watched my parents NEARLY divorce over MUCH larger issues (not to compare, but seriously devistating blows to a marriage). The house was put on the market, I had strangers going through my bedroom daily. IT SUCKS. But they survive, and move on to have productive lives. And for some reason, one day, they just decided not to divorce. They still have tough times. But they moved on! And I mean they left that all behind.

I have to get ready for Mass… Your family is in my prayers!!!

 

[SonCatcher]

TucDoc,

I encourage you to find the companionship you seek in God. Only He can truly provide for your needs. If you are not content with Him, you would not truly be content if your wife returns to you. Nor would you be content if you “replace” her.

 

[whatevergirl]

TucDoc,

I encourage you to find the companionship you seek in God. Only He can truly provide for your needs. If you are not content with Him, you would not truly be content if your wife returns to you. Nor would you be content if you “replace” her.

This is the best quote I’ve read in a while. Very well said.
turdoc, prayers for you. Your wife has a pride issue. If she would surrender that to God, you two would have a fighting chance. I speak from experience.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Tucdoc, you can’t divorce thinking that it is to allow you to find someone else. Your kids will be going through a lot- if you start up with someone else, they will blame that innocent person for the break-up- regardless of truth. Talk to your therapist about it. In all the turmoil of the divorce the last thing your kids will need to deal with is another person. Your focus will be on that new person vice your kids, you only have so much time in a day and it’s only natural that we devote it to the people who are special to us. BFO. Your kids will see time spent on that person as time taken away from them.
So many people think that God’s laws are to keep us from having fun, impediments to our happiness. But God created us and knows us, his laws are our route to not just salvation but a better life her on earth as well. It’s like a parent telling their kid not to touch a hot stove- it’s not to spoil their fun, it’s to keep them from getting hurt.
This was the most destructive thing my ex-wife did in terms of damaging her relationship with our kids. They see her as choosing him over them because she won’t make adjustments to make them a priority. He gets more and better time. This has made the kids more distant from her, they are hurt by her choice and feeling like afterthoughts to her.

God’s laws are hard to follow at times, they seem like unnecessary sacrifice. But God knows us, and his laws guide us to a happier life if we trust him. I took my kids to an amusement park this weekend (Knott’s in Orange County, CA if you’re curious) and was able to focus all my energy on them. They were so happy and stress-free, something that wouldn’t be possible if I was trying to juggle an additional person in the mix competing for my time. Please read and contemplate Psalm 119, it is about taking joy in following God’s laws.

 

[Tiribulus]

<<< She doesn’t want to be with me, so I told her I want to be with somebody who does. >>>

This was a huge mistake. That doesn’t mean I don’t completely understand, but you should never have let it come out of your mouth.
Ephesians 5:25ff – 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself,
I am so very grateful that Christ doesn’t love the church because she is lovable. There would be nobody in heaven. You said you didn’t know what God’s will for you was in this. Paul told you what it was right here. Remember me? I’m the guy who was telling you to lock her out of the house and yes I believe that would be loving her like Christ loved the church, but the point is I am not taking her side. I’m on God’s side first.

<<< happiness. >>><<< peace of mind, >>>

Neither one of you will find either one of these while living in stiff necked rebellion to the crystal clear commands of scripture. Those are two entirely different things BTW. You could have piece of mind right now, right in the middle of all this misery if you knew that God was pleased with how you were handling it. That may sound nuts, but it’s true.

Unless you KNOW there has been adultery, and I still think she may be lying about that, but unless you are certain, He has commanded you to love her without regard for anything she says or does. YOU are responsible for the love in that marriage, not her and yes it still is a marriage. You have a golden opportunity to display the long suffering love of the living God before your children. Tall order? Yep, but that’s the gospel. That He loved men while they were yet sinners and enemies dead in trespasses and sins (Ephesians 2)

As long as you two are worried about your own happiness and not His glory the despair will continue.

 

[tucdoc]

Tiribulus, when my wife “left” Saturday night, and I asked her to come back because I was on-call. I told her I was worried about her and that I loved her. She then hung up, but eventually came back home. She has issues with anxiety and depression, and refuses to get medical help. She is inconsistent with seeing her therapist, and I’m not sure the therapist really understands these underlying issues. She has drifted away from me. If I’ve driven her away, it’s because I couldn’t help myself repeatedly asking her these months to give the marriage and marriage counseling a chance. We had similar values. She became Catholic before we married because she accepted the Church’s teachings. Now she has an unstructured spirituality, dabbling in Buddhism and chackras (I’ve apparently upset her 5th chackra, related to heart/emotions).

Whatevergirl, thanks for participating. Pride is a big issue with my wife. She has become ultra-individualistic, only considering how she feels as her guide to what is right. I realize that I wounded her pride when I insulted her. I consider that the proverbial straw, being unaware of all the hurt she had kept on her back rather than letting it go. She would rather hold on to the hurt than hold on to the marriage.

Styrgwillidar, I’m not looking for a companions right now. I realize that the kids will need me more than ever, and I will not compromise the limited time with them that I will need to negotiate. But, my wife does not want to be with me. Previously I asked her if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and she said no. So, I do need to eventually move on.

Faithfully, on my wife’s list of things for today is contacting her lawyer (she left the list out overnight). If she wants the divorce then I won’t fight it. She would rather do that work than the work of saving our marriage. That is her choice, not mine.