Wife has given up

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90Domer, thank you for your interest. Maybe others can learn from our mistakes. We went to Engaged Encounter before we married, but I guess that was a long time ago for my wife.

Although my wife claimed she wasn’t marrying me because I am a physician, several people in the practice have said that she enjoyed being a doctor’s wife.

There has never been a time when I had no income. I have a disability policy, but nothing more concrete was ever discussed.

We sold the practice to the hospital corporation last year. So, there was a windfall, part of which went to pay off the house and fund the kids college fund. It is the leftover money that is being used to pay for the divorce, with hopefully enough money after that for me to buy a condo.

My wife saw a financial planner recommend by her attorney. I have no idea what was discussed. I will ask the mediator about involving a planner during mediation, so at least my wife will have some idea what she is getting herself into. I told her that I won’t help her over and above what we agree on in the divorce and that she has to stop spending so much money.
 
I’m still hoping and praying that she sees the light. I honestly have to say that, as a tax preparer, couples with good incomes don’t realize that the money train can stop for any number of reasons. You obviously realize that, but your wife does not (hence the reason I mentioned a financial planner in the mediation process who can run scenarios). Sadly, in this economy, the same goes for her “friends.”. They could lose their jobs or income stream as well, then the fun will stop. It seems like she has no concept of that.

Warm regards.
 
Speaking of her “friends”, a belated Christmas gift arrived at the house today from one of them, a salad bowl with a chopper (my wife enjoys salads, and he know this). I was very cool, not wanting to say anything in front of the kids and before we had discussed a parenting schedule. It’s so disrespectful, her receiving gifts from this man in our home. How can she persist with these “friendships”? This is the guy I called a gigalo because she always pays for their dinners together. It is infuriating, but I must remain calm. Please, pray that the peace of God continues inside of me.
 
Tucdoc, I’m so sad that you had to experience this incident tonight. It had to feel like the equivalent of a very hard slap on the face. I admire your composure and will say a prayer for your intentions after I post.

Did you ever mention where she met these friends or their line of work? And yes, it does sound like the one friend has no shame with letting your wife pay for all his meals, etc. Makes me wonder how interested he’d be if the table was turned.

Bottom line, try to take comfort in the fact that you’re being an excellent role model for your children. That will really ground them, and your rewards in Heaven will be great (even though you are in misery here on earth.)

Prayers tonight.
 
So, now she wants to fly out to LA in two weeks with her other “friend”, who will pay for the flight, so she can see her family. I asked her if she has filed for divorce yet, and if she thinks she should be doing something so provocative. She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she is asking, and is now upset, although I actually did not say no. She also wants to go for a Spring Training weekend with the kids. Her “friend” can get her tickets. I didn’t say yes or no, rather I said I can’t keep her from going if she wants to go.

This marriage has to end. The love and respect are gone. I’ve asked repeatedly if we can try to heal, she says no. I’ve asked to go to marriage counseling, she says no. I’ve asked her to think about the kids, she says she will be a better mom without me. She has no interest in reconciling. I have no choice but to look out for my own interest and proceed with the divorce.
 
tucdoc said:
So, now she wants to fly out to LA in two weeks with her other “friend”, who will pay for the flight, so she can see her family. I asked her if she has filed for divorce yet, and if she thinks she should be doing something so provocative. She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she is asking, and is now upset, although I actually did not say no. She also wants to go for a Spring Training weekend with the kids. Her “friend” can get her tickets. I didn’t say yes or no, rather I said I can’t keep her from going if she wants to go.
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:nope::nope::nope: Do not let the kids go. Apparently she has developed an immunity to her escapades. Continue to be the strong Catholic husband/dad (you are still married) that is shocked at these type of antics.

Once, AFTER we had been divorced for a year, exh let his wife pick up the kids from the airport when they visited him for Christmas. I didn’t find out about it until they were already on the plane. I raised holy hell. I couldn’t do anything about it, but I made my feelings known. He didn’t see anything wrong with it, but he never did it again.
 
There is no way that the children should be exposed to her male companions. No way.

She also needs to have it clear in no uncertain terms that even if she rejects Tucdoc as her husband, she will always have to cope with him as the father of their children, and his right to have a say in the conditions under which they are raised. In other words, they will always be parents together, whether either of them likes it or not.

IOW, she needs to realize that the husband you divorce is still your ex forever. As I tell my unmarried relatives, no one ever really gets out of a marriage, even if it turns out to be invalid. When there are children involved, this is true ten times over.
 
There is no possible way I would let my children go with her if I were in your shoes. The fact that she would even consider such a thing displays a brazen selfishness that nearly defies adequate description. When a woman cannot be appealed to with her standing before her own children, then even common decency and rationality have been cast aside. Don’t let your kids convince that they don’t see the problem. They will, I promise.
 
tucdoc

I just scanned your post and having very similar issues. I am praying for you and your family.
(my sister just endured a 3 year bout of the same type of issues and unfortunately as hard as she tried to keep the marriage together her husband filed. they are divorced but amiable and trying to act civilized.
My best advice is this… Walk with Christ everyday, be a good role model for your kids and be proud of who you are.
I am doing exactly that and I am surviving a horrible marriage with reasonable results.

Try to see that your glass is 80% full, you have your health, your friends your work and people who love you. There is a ton of dysfunction in this world and YOUR choice and mine is “make the best of it” while behaving with grace from God

May God and our Lord Jesus give you strength every second of every day.

Peace brother
 
Tucdoc, I agree with some of the other posts that it is not in your kids best interest to be exposed to her friend.
Also, I don’t understand how she is getting alimony. if she is having an affair, I was under the impression she is not entitled to alimony for herself in most if not all states/ this of course is different from child support for the kids which you are obligated to pay. It must be infuriating to see her pay for dinners with him with money you earned. My heart goes out to you and your kids. I have read most of your posts and you strike me as a very decent, thoughtful man who was willing to bend over backwards to make things work and one who is providing one heck of a nice lifestyle too. . Your wife is a fool to throw you away.
 
Redroselover, AZ is a no-fault state. It doesn’t matter who did what. Spousal support (alimony) is based on the length of the marriage, earnings potential (or lack thereof) and other factors. I thought I was a decent guy, until I found out that I hadn’t meet my wife’s emotional needs for years. So, being faithful and a good provider aren’t enough anymore.

Long Road Home, I admire your sister enduring this treatment for 3 years. You have seen how many posts I’ve made, even though I haven’t been dealing with this for even a full year. I do have a more than half-full glass. The people at work have been so supportive, and all are telling me that I’ll get through this. I pray for strength and peace every day.

To those who are concerned about my children, thank you for caring. Unfortunately, my wife is the mother of my children, and she has the right to take them to ballgames. My kids already think I’m over-reacting, saying “their just friends, don’t you want mom to have friends?” I know that they cannot possible understand the situation, but I trust they will in time.
 
tucdoc said:
To those who are concerned about my children, thank you for caring. Unfortunately, my wife is the mother of my children, and she has the right to take them to ballgames. My kids already think I’m over-reacting, saying “their just friends, don’t you want mom to have friends?” I know that they cannot possible understand the situation, but I trust they will in time.
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Well, yes and no. It would seem that Tiger Woods’ wife succeeded in stipulating that Mr. Woods not entertain other women when he has the children. So while your wife has the right to take your children to ballgames, she may not necessarily have the right to have anyone she chooses accompany them.
 
Tucdoc, can you remind us how old your kids are?

Any reason that the four of your cannot go to the games as a family? I know I may be asking the impossible.

Did this friend want to attend the spring training with your family or just provide the tickets? Perhaps you can persuade your kids to attend another event that is endorsed or provided with your guidance.

Please tell me if I’m being naive.
 
redroselover said:
Tucdoc, I agree with some of the other posts that it is not in your kids best interest to be exposed to her friend.
Also, I don’t understand how she is getting alimony. if she is having an affair, I was under the impression she is not entitled to alimony for herself in most if not all states/ this of course is different from child support for the kids which you are obligated to pay. It must be infuriating to see her pay for dinners with him with money you earned. My heart goes out to you and your kids. I have read most of your posts and you strike me as a very decent, thoughtful man who was willing to bend over backwards to make things work and one who is providing one heck of a nice lifestyle too. . Your wife is a fool to throw you away.
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Redroselover,
In most no-fault states- like CA and AZ- the lower income spouse is entitled to financial support to keep them living in the style to which they’d become accustomed during the marriage. So, the higher income spouse has to continue fulfilling the financial obligations of the marriage. Fair enough if the higher income spouse was at fault. Now, if the lower income spouse was at fault, they can walk away from all of their obligations of marriage while continuing to receive the financial benefit.

Tucdoc,
You know my story and decisions. The financial will be a small price to pay relative to everything else, your kids knowing you’re doing the right thing by them and their mother will ensure they continue to respect you and appreciate your sacrifices when they come to understand everything when they are adults. Again, whatever new place you move to should have rooms/space that are the kids and respected as such even when they aren’t with you. As I’ve said before, you may end up with more and more custody as the kids become an inconvenience to your wife’s lifestyle. Again, if this happens make sure she’s willing to modify the legal agreement to reflect it.
The kids may have trouble being around the guy friends if they start to believe there’s more going on. They may not be willing to talk to you about it as they know it will hurt you. This is why it’s important to be going to a therapist who can advise on what to watch for and step in to talk to the kids and help them through this. I did not step in to impede my kids going to their mom’s until the therapist told me it was time to do it in their interest. My kids were much happier after they were in control of whether they went to mom’s or not.
 
People crave Intensity. Unfortunately, Intensity for more and more people is found in the popular media, where instant gratification lust for hotties takes priority over true, romantic love. True, romantic, spiritiual love is also Intense, and a wiser choice. It’s a shame how the media is making gross profits by Reducing people into shallow lust automatons who dream that life will be more exciting with someone else. It might be exciting for a few minutes until the shallow thrill is gone. It leaves the person craving a new person. The individual has been reduced to an adult child with ADD-like symptoms. How sad. And we continue to financially fund our own destruction by watching. Happier marriage can be found by reducing our exposure to their destructive profits. We have the free will to turn it off and watch something else. Tell your wife to stop dreaming the false dream, to stop being such a childish simpleton, and get her head out of her …
 
90Domer, my son is 13 and my daughter is 11. I am working that weekend, so I cannot join them for the games. Honestly, I really don’t think we can travel as a “family”. We were with the divorce mediator yesterday, finishing the parenting plan. I broke down when we talked about Easter, since it is a special holiday for me as that was when I travelled with my family (in Mexico, Semana Santa is a big family holiday). I was sad that I no longer will have the “family” I thought I did. The mediator reminded me that I still have a family, with the kids and my relatives. It’s just that my wife will not be part of that family.

To all, I am really struggling with my identity as a good Catholic. I feel this wouldn’t have happened if I had been a better Christian. I admit to having relied on material things to please my wife. I never thought she would leave me because of the comfortable lifestyle I provided for her. I also admit to seeing sex as a right of marriage, not as my wife giving of herself. I understand that I didn’t meet my wife’s emotional needs, so she sought to fulfill them outside of the marriage. I already have confessed all of the above, and have acknowledged all of this to her. She say it is too late and insists on leaving the marriage.

Styrgwillidar, I read one of your posts about being a CCD instructor, and how the parents are the first teachers of the Faith. My kids are getting a very mixed message. I’m afraid they will be nominal Catholics, as mom doesn’t go to Church, and now the family is being torn apart. Many have told me that kids are resilient and that they will be O.K. I still worry because I want to give them so much love, but now they hurt and have withdrawn from me. I told them both last night that they can talk to me about the divorce if they want, but that they should also talk to appropriate people at the school. My daughter said she doesn’t want to see a therapist, and that she is O.K. I know she is being defensive, so I will have to wait until they are ready before they see a therapist.
 
It’s easy to want to blame your self tucdoc, and who knows perhaps you could have done some things better. But in the end it takes two to tango, you really can’t lay all this blame on your self.

I’m sorry that your going through all this, I can only imagine how you must feel it must be devistating. Please know, you are in my prayers. Your brother in Christ,
 
tucdoc said:
To all, I am really struggling with my identity as a good Catholic. I feel this wouldn’t have happened if I had been a better Christian. I admit to having relied on material things to please my wife. I never thought she would leave me because of the comfortable lifestyle I provided for her. I also admit to seeing sex as a right of marriage, not as my wife giving of herself. I understand that I didn’t meet my wife’s emotional needs, so she sought to fulfill them outside of the marriage. I already have confessed all of the above, and have acknowledged all of this to her. She say it is too late and insists on leaving the marriage.
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You have admitted your sin and you have been forgiven. But the stain of sin remains. Think of what you are going through as penance. You must surrender this journey to God’s mercy and love.
 
tucdoc said:
Styrgwillidar, I read one of your posts about being a CCD instructor, and how the parents are the first teachers of the Faith. My kids are getting a very mixed message. I’m afraid they will be nominal Catholics, as mom doesn’t go to Church, and now the family is being torn apart. Many have told me that kids are resilient and that they will be O.K. I still worry because I want to give them so much love, but now they hurt and have withdrawn from me. I told them both last night that they can talk to me about the divorce if they want, but that they should also talk to appropriate people at the school. My daughter said she doesn’t want to see a therapist, and that she is O.K. I know she is being defensive, so I will have to wait until they are ready before they see a therapist.
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Tucdoc, Your kids will eventually decide on their own what faith they will follow. Even under the best of conditions kids fall away from Catholicism, some temporarily, some permanently. It will largely depend on whether they see it helping you to live a moral life. Kids do not care about legal right and wrong, they care about moral right and wrong. Keep the faith. My kids gripe about going to church, but always thank me after. They see it as part of what drives me to take care of them, be there for them, and not cast aside relationships. They notice their mother has stopped going to church and equate that as part of the negatives, part of what’s caused her to do this. (BTW, my eldest only attends church sporadically now that she’s an adult. But she’s living a very moral life, works part time, in school full time, helps out at home. Part of it’s laziness, part of it is taking her faith for granted, part of it is asserting her right to decide some things for herself as an adult. Most of my sisters did the same thing, but went back to fully practising their faith after a few years- and our parents were devout Catholics with a solid marriage).

Good plan on kids and therapist. My therapist actually said to do exactly what you’ve done- let them know you’re willing to talk, don’ t force kids to go to therapy because it makes it a bigger issue than it might otherwise have been to them. If they’re not feeling bad, they start feeling guilty that they’re not feeling bad, if the adults all act as if this should be big deal and they should be freaked out, they get that way. The first time I took them, it was just to introduce them to my therapist under the guise that she’d heard so much about them she wanted to meet them, and she wanted their opinion on how I was doing. It made it about me instead of them, so almost no stress. Made it more comfortable to go when they finally decided they wanted to. Of course, as soon as the therapist took one of the kids as a patient, she had to drop me because of conflict of interest.

Remember if you do take them, their session is between them and the therapist. You’re not entitled to know what goes on or is said. That would break the trust since they may be talking about stuff they’re not comfortable discussing with you. The therapist will have them tell you anything you really do need to know. Don’t get nosy. Therapy needs to be a comfortable, trusted safe zone for them. (Assuming they end up needing to go).
 
Tucdoc, please do not place all the burden on yourself. You are being a wonderful Christian by loving your children’s mother. Your children are at a tender age when all sorts of pressures are facing them. You may want to have a talk with your kids’ teachers so they have an accurate account of their pressures. I’m not sure your wife can be factual at this point. 11 and 13 are tough ages, but they have you as a good role model. Believe in yourself.

The one thing that just hit me is that you have actively sought to repair your marriage, and you need both partners to be committed to that. However, nowhere here have you mentioned your wife asking how her feelings and actions hurt you. Yes, you made some mistakes, but so has she! I don’t buy into to notion that you fix a hurt (for example, emotional loneliness) by causing more hurt.

I will offer up my anxiety for your intentions tonight (I have a son with special needs, so I am really prone to anxiety). Lots of anxiety gives me lot of opportunities for prayer.
 
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