Wife has given up

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My wife has no interest in reconciliation. I gave her a Valentine’s card today, which just asked if we could be friends. She said she didn’t want to be friends and does not want to reconcile. I can’t keep this up. We don’t meet with the mediator again until a week from today, but I have to plan on moving forward with the divorce. I will move out as soon as my attorney can draft a letter to her attorney agreeing on temporary alimony while the divorce is final. We also have to agree on how much she will pay me for my share of all the furniture in the house that I could use but she does not want me taking.

I’m trying not to be materialistic, but I do have to look out for myself. If we can’t agree on alimony, then I would rather fight it in court than let her have as much as she wants. As it is, I’ve offered her a six-figure alimony settlement, but she doesn’t feel it’s enough to cover her expenses. If she is that materialistic, maybe it’s for the better if we are no longer married.
 
tucdoc said:
My wife has no interest in reconciliation. I gave her a Valentine’s card today, which just asked if we could be friends. She said she didn’t want to be friends and does not want to reconcile. I can’t keep this up. We don’t meet with the mediator again until a week from today, but I have to plan on moving forward with the divorce. I will move out as soon as my attorney can draft a letter to her attorney agreeing on temporary alimony while the divorce is final. We also have to agree on how much she will pay me for my share of all the furniture in the house that I could use but she does not want me taking.

I’m trying not to be materialistic, but I do have to look out for myself. If we can’t agree on alimony, then I would rather fight it in court than let her have as much as she wants. As it is, I’ve offered her a six-figure alimony settlement, but she doesn’t feel it’s enough to cover her expenses. If she is that materialistic, maybe it’s for the better if we are no longer married.
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Um…is that six figures per year? Because if so that’s three times the amount that I make in a year.
 
tucdoc said:
My wife has no interest in reconciliation. I gave her a Valentine’s card today, which just asked if we could be friends. She said she didn’t want to be friends and does not want to reconcile. I can’t keep this up. We don’t meet with the mediator again until a week from today, but I have to plan on moving forward with the divorce. I will move out as soon as my attorney can draft a letter to her attorney agreeing on temporary alimony while the divorce is final. We also have to agree on how much she will pay me for my share of all the furniture in the house that I could use but she does not want me taking.

I’m trying not to be materialistic, but I do have to look out for myself. If we can’t agree on alimony, then I would rather fight it in court than let her have as much as she wants. As it is, I’ve offered her a six-figure alimony settlement, but she doesn’t feel it’s enough to cover her expenses. If she is that materialistic, maybe it’s for the better if we are no longer married.
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You have to look at is as giving her whatever she wants won’t help her. She needs to learn how to make financial decisions and that won’t happen as long as you enable her. I think courts will agree as to what is reasonable. She will look like an overindulged, entitled, spoiled brat. She wants the divorce. Her decision has a negative effect on everyone. There are consequences which all of you have to face (unfair as that may be). She should not be relieved of the consequences of her decision.
 
tucdoc said:
I will move out as soon as my attorney can draft a letter to her attorney agreeing on temporary alimony while the divorce is final. We also have to agree on how much she will pay me for my share of all the furniture in the house that I could use but she does not want me taking.

.
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You don’t want to give your kids the appearance that you are desserting them. She is the one who wants out of your marriage, let her be the one to leave.
 
She will not leave. She is currently the primary care-giver to the kids. Plus, she wants the house, whereas I would rather sell it (admittedly at a significant loss) and split the proceeds so that both of us could be smaller but still comfortable houses. Her continuing to pay for the upkeep of the house is why she is asking for more alimony than I’ve offered. It would be best for everybody if she sold the house, but that is a decision she has to make herself as she won’t listen to me.

I am getting ready to move out. As hard as it might be, I may finally be at peace when I get home if she is not part of that home.
 
tucdoc said:
My wife has no interest in reconciliation. I gave her a Valentine’s card today, which just asked if we could be friends. She said she didn’t want to be friends and does not want to reconcile. I can’t keep this up. We don’t meet with the mediator again until a week from today, but I have to plan on moving forward with the divorce. I will move out as soon as my attorney can draft a letter to her attorney agreeing on temporary alimony while the divorce is final. We also have to agree on how much she will pay me for my share of all the furniture in the house that I could use but she does not want me taking.

I’m trying not to be materialistic, but I do have to look out for myself. If we can’t agree on alimony, then I would rather fight it in court than let her have as much as she wants. As it is, I’ve offered her a six-figure alimony settlement, but she doesn’t feel it’s enough to cover her expenses. If she is that materialistic, maybe it’s for the better if we are no longer married.
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Oy, vey. I’m so sorry it had to go this way. No, neither the offending spouse nor the innocent spouse has a right to an unjust division of marital assets, and that goes regardless of how much the breadwinner takes home every year. Neither of you has a right to partiality.

Get your half, no more nor less than what justice would give to anyone, live simply, and no matter what your wife does, your children won’t want for tuition and so on. Investigate whether you need a trust or some other financial vehicle to accomplish that, though. Your wife won’t be able to go through everything you both have and leave you both destitute and unable to support yourselves or help your children in your old age.
Melchior said:
Um…is that six figures per year? Because if so that’s three times the amount that I make in a year.
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He didn’t say that was an annual figure, and besides their finances aren’t really important to the conversation. The point is that half of what he has is sufficient for a divorced mother, and that there is sufficient provision for the children.

Tucdoc, you may want to see how much you can arrange to pay for certain of the children’s fixed expenses directly, so that the bills for child support come directly to you and the money cannot be diverted from its just allocation. I do not think it cynical to withhold trust from your wife on that issue.
 
tucdoc said:
We don’t meet with the mediator again until a week from today, but I have to plan on moving forward with the divorce. I will move out as soon as my attorney can draft a letter to her attorney agreeing on temporary alimony while the divorce is final.
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Have you met with the mediator? We haven’t heard from you in a while and hope you are coping.

Prayers as always. :signofcross:
 
Tucdoc, prayers are with you. I hope you can start to heal and accept that, for reasons we don’t understand, God, in His infinite wisdom, has other plans for you.

I agree that her lawyer seems to see you as a cash cow. Keep your focus on your children.

When my son was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, I thought life as I knew it ended. Slowly, as I prayed, I realized that all the things that society deems important won’t matter once we’re dead. God will judge a person on how good a person we were, not how rich or important or famous we were.

Prayers to you.
 
During mediation on Monday the original alimony amount was again proposed. She has yet to meet with her financial advisor, who made copies of our check register from last year (we don’t do on-line banking). She won’t get what she is currently spending, and maybe that’s why she is dragging her feet on filing. I want her to file, since she is the one who wants the divorce.

I was going to move out in the next two weeks, but I want the issue of alimony settled before I move out. I’ve picked out some furniture, but haven’t made any purchases. I’ve put a deposit on a 3 bedroom apt. (so the kids will have their own rooms), with a probable move-in date at the end of next month. I feel I can stay in the house a little longer since I realize this divorce is going to affect her in the long-run much more than it will affect me. I’m trying to avoid adding to my wife’s anger and resentment so that she won’t bad mouth me to the kids. Really, its the effect on the children that I regret the most. They are both angry and seem to blame me for all of this, since I upset mom (trying to talk her out of the divorce and confronting her when she crosses boundaries in the marriage). I’ve been told that they will eventually see and understand how this all happened, so I will just have to be patient with them.
 
Tucdoc,

On occasion I pop onto this thread to see how you are doing.
I know this has been beyond painful for a long time.

With time your children will come to understand. My own brother-in-law had two kids from his first marriage and due to circumstances not too different from your own, there was a divorce. The kid were very young. Elementary school age to be exact.

The following years were indeed very difficult. Esp during the teenage years. He was the “bad” guy for a very long time.

BUT as they have matured and are now in their 20’s, they have come to understand who was honestly being honorable, and who was not. It does take awhile for that to come into view.

There are some things that he did stuck to that, in time, helped this along.
  1. He NEVER ever EVER bad mouthed his ex in front of his kids. It was hard, but he never did it
    2)He NEVER ever EVER put them in the middle, and yet never allowed THEM to put HIM in the middle. When ever he needed to talk with his Ex, he did the talking. They were never the messagers. ALSO when they tried to make HIM be the messager between them and their mother he wouldnt do it. He would tell them.
“No, I can’t do that for you. You need to take this up with your mother.”

And finally, he did the best to “Be who you are”. And let the consequences follow.

All of this was extremely EXTREMELY difficult over the years, esp around holiday time. However, it has paid off. As his kids have become adults, they have seen that their father is good man, a man of decency and honor.

I know all of this is and is going to be very hard. But there is reason to have a great deal of faith and hope, even if all you see and feel right now is pain.

God Bless you TucDoc. I pray for all of you.
 
tucdoc said:
My wife has no interest in reconciliation. I gave her a Valentine’s card today, which just asked if we could be friends. She said she didn’t want to be friends and does not want to reconcile. I can’t keep this up. We don’t meet with the mediator again until a week from today, but I have to plan on moving forward with the divorce. I will move out as soon as my attorney can draft a letter to her attorney agreeing on temporary alimony while the divorce is final. We also have to agree on how much she will pay me for my share of all the furniture in the house that I could use but she does not want me taking.

I’m trying not to be materialistic, but I do have to look out for myself. If we can’t agree on alimony, then I would rather fight it in court than let her have as much as she wants. As it is, I’ve offered her a six-figure alimony settlement, but she doesn’t feel it’s enough to cover her expenses. If she is that materialistic, maybe it’s for the better if we are no longer married.
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Does fighting it in court work for the best interest of your children? You said they are not happy at this point, if this goes to court things may get worse. I don’t know what the difference is in alimony between what you are offering and what she wants.
 
I’m now able to calmly discuss the financial part of the divorce with my wife. She wants more alimony for a longer period of time. I’ve agreed to pay the tuition for the Catholic high school my son will be attending next year, and give her additional child support, with the caveat that I won’t give her any more alimony. She also wants cash up-front to fix the house, which she will own free and clear, as well as money for a new car (her’s has just under 100K mile on it). She admitted that she wants more than her fair share. I made it clear that I will give her what she is legally entitled to, but it has to end there. I’m trying not to be materialistic, but I also need to be realistic about my ability to move on with my life.
 
tucdoc said:
I’m now able to calmly discuss the financial part of the divorce with my wife. She wants more alimony for a longer period of time. I’ve agreed to pay the tuition for the Catholic high school my son will be attending next year, and give her additional child support, with the caveat that I won’t give her any more alimony. She also wants cash up-front to fix the house, which she will own free and clear, as well as money for a new car (her’s has just under 100K mile on it). She admitted that she wants more than her fair share. I made it clear that I will give her what she is legally entitled to, but it has to end there. I’m trying not to be materialistic, but I also need to be realistic about my ability to move on with my life.
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I’m not sure I understand what you agreed to. What is she legally entitled to? That seemed to be one of your initial concerns.

It seems she doesn’t want the marriage, but she’s not willing to accept the financial consequences.

Giving her a house, paying Catholic high school tuition, alimony and child support, new car, fixing up house up-front. That’s a lot. She wants to be able to live in a style to which she has been accustomed. Will you be able to do this for yourself?

You’ve come a long way.

As always, prayers.
 
qui_est_ce said:
She wants to be able to live in a style to which she has been accustomed.
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Correct. Courts even enforce such, but usually only in situations where a pre-marital agreement had limited one spouse’s share is a small fraction of the assets and income.

Tucdoc, you may need to ask the court to force her to reduce her needs via sale of the house. It seems it simply is not affordable. Perhaps the suggestion in negotiation will at least cause her to reconsider her demands.
 
tucdoc said:
During mediation on Monday the original alimony amount was again proposed. She has yet to meet with her financial advisor, who made copies of our check register from last year (we don’t do on-line banking). She won’t get what she is currently spending, and maybe that’s why she is dragging her feet on filing. I want her to file, since she is the one who wants the divorce.

I was going to move out in the next two weeks, but I want the issue of alimony settled before I move out. I’ve picked out some furniture, but haven’t made any purchases. I’ve put a deposit on a 3 bedroom apt. (so the kids will have their own rooms), with a probable move-in date at the end of next month. I feel I can stay in the house a little longer since I realize this divorce is going to affect her in the long-run much more than it will affect me. I’m trying to avoid adding to my wife’s anger and resentment so that she won’t bad mouth me to the kids. Really, its the effect on the children that I regret the most. They are both angry and seem to blame me for all of this, since I upset mom (trying to talk her out of the divorce and confronting her when she crosses boundaries in the marriage). I’ve been told that they will eventually see and understand how this all happened, so I will just have to be patient with them.
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It sounds like you’ve actually done well. Stick to this. Maybe reality will start to set in for everyone.
 
You are taking it on the chin my friend. You and yours do not cease to be in my prayers.
 
My wife’s lawyer has asked the equivalent of about two years of my gross salary as her total alimony amount. When I think about this way, it’s not so bad, even though it is more than she could earn on her own. I also spoke to a good friend whose wife divorced him when their kids were 4 and 8. The hardest part was not seeing his kids everyday. At least mine aren’t that young. She had mental health issues and got treatment after hitting rock bottom. Maybe this is why this is happening, so that my wife can finally snap out of her self-centered materialistic baseball world. My friends eventually remarried years later. Only God know the eventual outcome of all of this, so I will just have to trust Him.
 
I refuse to give up on your marriage my friend. I’ve seen God do too many unthinkably unlikely works of reconciliation, healing and deliverance to give up. That of course guarantees you nothing, but I must believe for your family.
 
Tiribulus said:
I refuse to give up on your marriage my friend. I’ve seen God do too many unthinkably unlikely works of reconciliation, healing and deliverance to give up. That of course guarantees you nothing, but I must believe for your family.
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What wonderful words of support. Beautiful.
 
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