Wife has given up

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kbachler said:
Tucdoc - not saying you should live with her. Saying that you should insist she be the one to move. She wants the change - she needs to move. Make her deal with the reality. If her attorney doesn’t like the deal, tell your attorney that it gets resolved by Friday, or you’ll move her stuff out. I don’t recall, Tucdoc. Did you ever consider a PI or recording devices on your phones (they are your phones too) to prove whether her relationship with these other gentleman was more than she claims? Even if you can’t use them in court, I’d bet there would be leverage if her actions might become known to her family. And while this sounds malicious, point out that its not malicious - it is keeping things real. If she’s broken her vows beyond all doubt but playing games with you, that is not real.
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I told him months ago the next time she goes on one of these trips with these other men I would pack her a bag leave it on the porch with a note declaring his love for her and willingness to let her back when she decides to repent and change the locks. I agree that he should not be malicious or bad mouth her to the kids, but I’d go to jail before I’d move outta my house or pay her anything in this circumstance.

You can do all things Tucdoc through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13), if He is and only further disaster awaits if He isn’t. I feel like I know you my friend, I have been here since the beginning and spend considerable time in prayer for your family. Your wife needs a brisk spanking and some time in a homeless shelter. Not a free house and money. IF you have repented of and forsaken the sins of your past then only the devil is interested in them anymore. I’d let her whine and cry to one of her “friends” or roommates at the shelter and tell her lawyer to go play in the freeway.

The goal is not to ease the pain or placate her or win either. The goal is or should be to display the strength, triumph and glory of the risen Christ even in, especially in this season extreme adversity.
 
tucdoc said:
I can’t live with my wife anymore. This is a toxic relationship that is affecting my mental health. Every time I call a friend, they ask why am I still living with her. The constant rejection is too much for me. I would rather be at peace and go on with my life. It will also be better for the kids if they are not exposed to this constant tension.

Her attorney does not like the tentative agreement. This may get ugly, which is another reason for me to not be in the house.
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Tucdoc, PLEASE consider what many forum members have been advising you all along - if your wife is the one who wants out, let her go, but YOU keep the kids and YOU keep the house!!! You say she is the primary caregiver? You can show the kids that they have a real parent who isn’t cheating on the other parent!!!

KICK HER OUT! She can go live with one of her boyfriends and watch all the baseball she wants to.

Tucdoc, she is getting the better deal here. Don’t give her credit for being a good mom, she’s not! You are treating her as if YOU are the party in the wrong!!! She hasn’t done anything to earn that house - FIGHT FOR YOURSELF, man!!!
 
Tiribulus said:
I told him months ago the next time she goes on one of these trips with these other men I would pack her a bag leave it on the porch with a note declaring his love for her and willingness to let her back when she decides to repent and change the locks. I agree that he should not be malicious or bad mouth her to the kids, but I’d go to jail before I’d move outta my house or pay her anything in this circumstance.

You can do all things Tucdoc through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13), if He is and only further disaster awaits if He isn’t. I feel like I know you my friend, I have been here since the beginning and spend considerable time in prayer for your family. Your wife needs a brisk spanking and some time in a homeless shelter. Not a free house and money. IF you have repented of and forsaken the sins of your past then only the devil is interested in them anymore. I’d let her whine and cry to one of her “friends” or roommates at the shelter and tell her lawyer to go play in the freeway.

The goal is not to ease the pain or placate her or win either. The goal is or should be to display the strength, triumph and glory of the risen Christ even in, especially in this season extreme adversity.
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:yup::clapping::bowdown2: Well stated.
 
ILoveRoses said:
His children live in that house as well. If he insists she moves out, the children would go with her and it would be too disruptive to their lives. He is looking out for their best interests and I imagine this is why he is choosing to be the one to leave.
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Been a long time since I read the whole thread, but I thought that to avoid school/friend disruption, and that the kids were generally old enough where they may well prefer to be in the house.

But I would also reiterate – I’d hire a PI and try to clarify what the reality is here.
 
Well, I moved out. She would not leave the house, under any circumstances. For my own peace of mind, I have moved out. She does not want to stay married to me, under any circumstances. I believe she has a mood disorder, which she refuses to recognize. She is emotionally labile and cries when I confront her on her immature behavior, or when we have to discuss tough issues regarding the divorce. I am moving on with my life. I hope the kids will see their mom for who she really is some day.
 
tucdoc said:
Well, I moved out. She would not leave the house, under any circumstances. For my own peace of mind, I have moved out. She does not want to stay married to me, under any circumstances. I believe she has a mood disorder, which she refuses to recognize. She is emotionally labile and cries when I confront her on her immature behavior, or when we have to discuss tough issues regarding the divorce. I am moving on with my life. I hope the kids will see their mom for who she really is some day.
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Please Please make sure the kids are properly supervised. I know you have a job that takes a lot of time, but make sure they are not left home alone. Insist they stay at your house when your wife goes out. Insist on getting at least 50% custody. Insist on their attending Sunday mass. They go to Catholic schools, they need to be reared Catholic. Stay involved in their lives.
 
Tucdoc,

Still praying for you. Some practicalities
  • I hope you took my advice and chose to move into someplace large enough to accomodate your kids
  • Have your kids help set up your household with you so it is THEIR HOME TOO!!!
  • Respect their space in your house, even when they aren’t there.
  • You truly need to make this another home of theirs, not someplace they visit.
  • Support your kids having time with family members on both sides. You may have to be the one to ensure they see their family as being larger than just their parents.
  • Document every time your wife has you take the kids when it should be her time with them. I suspect she is going to be ‘doing you a favor’ by giving you more time with them at her convenience. I.E. she’ll want to go out of town and it will be convenient for her, but she’ll phrase it as being an act of good will on her part.
  • If you do find that you’re having the kids more than the agreement. GREAT!! But also use that as justification for modifying the agreement to reflect the actual time you’re having them when it comes time to sign the final.
  • If she blamed you before for being unhappy, there’s a good chance she’ll start blaming the kids now that you’re gone.
  • Call the kids every night, make sure you take their calls whenever they call. Even if it’s 2am. (I can’t describe my kids disappoint and hurt when mom doesn’t answer her phone). Document any incident where your wife refuses to allow you contact.
  • Keep the kids in touch with their faith, your wife may slide on this, I don’t know if you are putting mass attendance in your separation/divorce agreement. This may fall to you.
 
Tucdoc,

I’m sorry to hear about the news. I pray that you’re able to join your pain with Christ’s suffering during this Lenten season.

There are some things I’ve been worried about. First, are you in close proximity to your old home? For your kids’ sake, I hope there aren’t any visitors starting to show up and stay over. Are you able to explain this delicate topic to them?
 
90Domer, I am less than 10 minutes from the house. My wife has not mentioned either of her two “friends” lately. The kids say that they are “just friends”. In time, I’m sure they will know better.

Styrgwillidar, thanks for all of your advice. One point of contention will be paying for my sons Catholic high school. As it is, I’ve agreed to pay tuition and books. But I’m sure she will want me to pay as much as possible. She has used the kids against me before, in wanting enough alimony to stay in the house. Now I’m sure she will say the same thing about the Catholic school. Any advice on this topic?
 
tucdoc said:
Well, I moved out. She would not leave the house, under any circumstances. For my own peace of mind, I have moved out. She does not want to stay married to me, under any circumstances. I believe she has a mood disorder, which she refuses to recognize. She is emotionally labile and cries when I confront her on her immature behavior, or when we have to discuss tough issues regarding the divorce. I am moving on with my life. I hope the kids will see their mom for who she really is some day.
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Yeah, this is a trick we women use, we play the victim and then we don’t have to admit our own part in the problem. When the tears come out, all bets are off and discussion stops. It’s not necessarily a mood disorder, it’s mostly what we learn to do growing up, but unless we become conscious of the pattern, it just ends up being status quo. It’s BS!
:mad:

Ignore the emotions and do what’s right for your kids and yourself. I hear radio ads for Cordell and Cordell, out of St. Louis - they say they are dedicated to getting men the best divorce they can - they are on the man’s side so men don’t get taken to the cleaners and blamed for everything. I would get the best lawyer and smile when I wrote the check.

cordellcordell.com/?vm=r
 
Well, the Catholic High School is a tough one because, obviously, it’s something you definitely want them to do. I would have the agreement stipulate that you will pay for the High School in exchange for her lowering the child support figure by some amount. Or, if she won’t do that, have it stipulate specifically who will pay for what High School expenses. As others have said, get it right and in writing in the agreement up front and there’ll be less problems down the road.

I feel badly for you, in some ways it was easier for me that my wife was distancing herself from the kids. It was a ‘wait and secure’ procedure. As she had difficulties/problems fulfilling her custody time, I simply accommodated her, and then had the next revision of the agreement reflect the change. If your agreement is like mine, it will take several months and several iterations until it’s final.

But, it was never, ever, about money for my ex. She has never been a money person and always able to separate needs from wants/nice to haves. We had several mini-vans, SUVs etc. for her to haul lots of kids which weren’t really her thing, but they met our needs. One of my best memories is still buying a little sports convertible a few years ago that was the first car not predicated on needs but actually fulfilling some of her wants and nice-to-haves. She was so excited, it was a lot of fun.

Again, enjoy the little things, it will help get you through, don’t let the bad times overwrite the good, and don’t let this change who you are. My best advice, I think, is don’t do something you’ll regret down the road. Imagine being 80 and looking back at this time.

ETA: We put in our agreement that I would pay a set amount per child for extra-curricular activities per month. Music lessons, Tae Kwon Do, etc. Perhaps you do something like that- stipulate a set amount for miscellaneaous school expenses for each party with her paying the first X amount, and you the balance?
 
tucdoc said:
Well, I moved out. She would not leave the house, under any circumstances. For my own peace of mind, I have moved out. She does not want to stay married to me, under any circumstances. I believe she has a mood disorder, which she refuses to recognize. She is emotionally labile and cries when I confront her on her immature behavior, or when we have to discuss tough issues regarding the divorce. I am moving on with my life. I hope the kids will see their mom for who she really is some day.
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God Bless, Tucdoc. I know this is very very painful. But you are choosing a healthly and that is a good thing.

I know others will disagree with me because of their different perspectives. But I grew up with parents who had a very dysfunctional marriage. Very dysfunctional. At one point they were separated when we were kids, but when one of us came out with a serious medical situation, they got back together. But nothing improved between the two of them.

Only after they finally divorced years later did healing come (and even that took time).

I know I may get slammed by some, but you are doing the right thing by moving out.

God Bless. God knows what it means to bleed from the soul, that is why He can help heal the soul.
 
rmartensjr said:
<<< And, begrudgingly, for your wife.
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I disagree. As tough as I’ve been on her, this woman is still the wife of his youth, the mother of his children and a fellow sinful creature of God in need of love and prayer even more now than in the past. That love in my view does not manifest itself in payola for sinful behavior, but she ain’t my wife. In any case, may I humbly submit that a person who begrudgingly prays for another has not yet grasped the forgiveness of their debt of “10,000 talents” and hence their own sin. Matthew 18:21-35.
 
Tiribulus said:
I disagree. As tough as I’ve been on her, this woman is still the wife of his youth, the mother of his children and a fellow sinful creature of God in need of love and prayer even more now than in the past. That love in my view does not manifest itself in payola for sinful behavior, but she ain’t my wife. In any case, may I humbly submit that a person who begrudgingly prays for another has not yet grasped the forgiveness of their debt of “10,000 talents” and hence their own sin. Matthew 18:21-35.
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I agree, but I guess I also agree with “Trust but verify”. I think tucdoc should have hired a PI long ago to confirm her story. If she’s not being truthful, the situation changes. I still think he should now.
 
Tiribulus said:
I disagree. As tough as I’ve been on her, this woman is still the wife of his youth, the mother of his children and a fellow sinful creature of God in need of love and prayer even more now than in the past. That love in my view does not manifest itself in payola for sinful behavior, but she ain’t my wife. In any case, may I humbly submit that a person who begrudgingly prays for another has not yet grasped the forgiveness of their debt of “10,000 talents” and hence their own sin. Matthew 18:21-35.
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Quite correct, Tiribulus. Even more so, we are commanded to pray for those we dislike or who dislike us.[BIBLEDRB]Matthew 5:44[/BIBLEDRB]
 
kbachler said:
I agree, but I guess I also agree with “Trust but verify”. I think tucdoc should have hired a PI long ago to confirm her story. If she’s not being truthful, the situation changes. I still think he should now.
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And what if she is telling the truth?
 
angelerulastiel said:
And what if she is telling the truth?
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Then he knows reality is as she has claimed, and perhaps can at least have that amount of peace of mind. Personally, I might question her health at that point, but without knowing all the their circumstances in an intimate way, I cannot know.
 
The kids are here at my place playing with my Playstation 3 with a big bowl of potato chips in front of them (something my wife would never allow). I want them to feel at home here.

My son had his Confirmation today. We joined another family for lunch and were all very cordial. Please pray for my son, that in addition to the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit he also receive peace of mind. I pray especially that the gift of Courage be strong in him, to help him get through this difficult and confusing time.
 
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