Wife has given up

[TexasCatholic99]

Thank you all for being so supportive.

Well, she’s agreed to sell the house. I know this was a very painful decision for her. Back in May she asked me to come to the house, and she was crying because her lawyer had advised her to do just that. It will be a huge undertaking for her, and very disruptive for the kids. In the long run, it is the right thing to do. Still, I feel so bad for her, and I know the kids are going to be even more resentful of me.

I’m back to hating my life. There is so much pain in my family. I spoke to a dear aunt and uncle, and they’ve tried to convince me that all of this is her doing and isn’t my fault. So why do I feel some responsibility? Because I couldn’t talk her into going into counseling? Because I didn’t meet all of her emotional needs? Because if I hadn’t insulted her and asked her why she wasn’t happy back in March of last year none of this would be happening? I used to tell her that she has free will and she can choose to make the marriage work. I guess she chose otherwise.

TUC my brother, you got to snap out of it. God has a plan for you. Don’t hate your life, you got your health and your faith.

I had a pretty long thread going called “My wife wants a divorce”. I found much strength and courage from the friends I found here on this site. It looks like you are getting some pretty good advice. Some of the words of encouragment you are getting from these nice people are very similar to the ones I received.

But, I didn’t just read the comments, I acted on them, I got more involved in church, I went to a retreat, I am attending a Bible study and yes I went to a few of Joel Osteens services at Lakewood in Houston Texas. One of my favorite sayings is “If you don’t change what you are doing, then don’t expect anything to change in you life”.

I took most of the advice to heart and did my best to apply it, I wanted it to work. For the last 5 months I was living in pain and hurt, I am truly at peace now. My wife sounds a lot like yours. Does not want to go to counseling, etc… I went to counseling and it made me realize who I had become and why/how I needed to change. I truly believe and the people around me see that I have changed for the good. But only time will make others believe.

After all that has happened to me I finally figured out how to find peace and the secret to all of this turmoil is and I am going to let you in on it.

YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS PUT GOD FIRST IN WHATEVER YOU DO. It’s that simple!

Sounds simple doesn’t it? When your wife or life is not going well you have to ask yourself is this what God would do or is this what I would do? My brother it is not about you. I know I am starting to sound like a preacher and I will stop.

I am just a regular guy. I spent 20 years in the Army as an Infantrymen. I have 4 kids and on the 21st of this past month my wife and I had our 24th Anniversary.

No it is not perfect, as a matter of fact she has done very little to improve our relationship, but I am starting to see small signs that God is working in her heart. God is missing in her life, I know it, her mom knows it and I am sure she knows it. She says that there is nothing wrong with her, denial. Here is the funny thing, everyone knows she has issues except for her. But I still Love her and believe in her. I don’t let her walk all over me but I do pick and choose my battles. I think that is also very important.

The next time you have to make a decision (battle) that is difficult ask yourself what God would do. Jesus never picked the easy battles, his entire life he helped the sick, the poor and the sinners.

Brother, I know you further along than I have ever been when it comes to family separation but I hope that some of this will help you heal.

I am praying for you and your family my brother.

God Bless,

TC99

 

[qui_est_ce]

TUC my brother, you got to snap out of it. God has a plan for you. Don’t hate your life, you got your health and your faith.

Brother, I know you further along than I have ever been when it comes to family separation but I hope that some of this will help you heal.

I am praying for you and your family my brother.

God Bless,

TC99

Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately about an issue. Your post is helping me “snap out of this.” I always try to put God first, but this time I put money/cable tv first!

You never know how many lurkers you may have helped!

 

[tucdoc]

My wife and I are starting to have cordial conversation in discussing our son. He just started in the local Catholic high school and is not doing well. She knows why, and I’m sure she feels guilty about the effects of this family turmoil on him. I’ve e-mailed all the teachers about his missing assignments, and have spoken to the principal and the freshman counselor about our family situation. I’ve done all I can. He has to do the rest, and she needs to be supportive of him rather than continuing to focus on her self-generated problems. I was rather harsh with him last weekend when I saw how poorly he was doing, partly because he lied to us about having done his work. She has asked me to change my approach with him, and my therapist advised mo to speak to him like a colleague rather than just scolding him. I’ll see if he acts more maturely if I treat him in a more mature manner.

I did send an e-mail to my wife two nights ago that I still don’t want this divorce, that I still want to save our marriage, and that I believe it can be done if we both want it to work. She has yet to respond to that e-mail.

 

[TexasCatholic99]

My wife and I are starting to have cordial conversation in discussing our son. He just started in the local Catholic high school and is not doing well. She knows why, and I’m sure she feels guilty about the effects of this family turmoil on him. I’ve e-mailed all the teachers about his missing assignments, and have spoken to the principal and the freshman counselor about our family situation. I’ve done all I can. He has to do the rest, and she needs to be supportive of him rather than continuing to focus on her self-generated problems. I was rather harsh with him last weekend when I saw how poorly he was doing, partly because he lied to us about having done his work. She has asked me to change my approach with him, and my therapist advised mo to speak to him like a colleague rather than just scolding him. I’ll see if he acts more maturely if I treat him in a more mature manner.

I did send an e-mail to my wife two nights ago that I still don’t want this divorce, that I still want to save our marriage, and that I believe it can be done if we both want it to work. She has yet to respond to that e-mail.

Hey Brother, looking good. God is at work, but at his pace, not yours. It is just a talk about your son and she is being cordial about it. IT IS A START. Definitely, not what you want. You want to make it work and make it work right now don’t you? I know I do and I still do. Later in another reply I will let you in on my life/situation.

The email? Well, let’s just say she read it (I did the same thing, I wrote her emails and later found out that she did read them). That’s probably all you can expect at this time. It is going to be hard but don’t push it, let it be. She knows how you feel but knowing and showing are two different things. It has to be done at her pace and at her will. God gave is free will and no one will enter the kingdom of heaven unless he goes through him.

It is all about a visible, soulful (is soulful a word?) change in you. Let me give you a prayer that I say everyday, some people call it the Serenity Prayer:

“God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Write it down and put it in your wallet, when you get frustrated pull it out and say the prayer. Dude, as a man I considered myself harder than woodpecker lips, that’s pretty hard. But after saying the prayer I can only think about my God, wife and children (in that order) and I just can’t help but see all of the love I have for them.

Your son, been there done that. Unfortunately for my oldest I/we had to learn the hard way. Although he did ok in High School (B average) we were not always on the best of terms. It showed when he went to college and failed out, twice. He also left the church. But I still Love him and try to talk to talk to him a few days a week. And I tell him that I LOVE HIM. There is not macho **** when it comes to family.

I know it is hard right now, but you have got to start enjoying his high school days with him (your other kids also). Try and get him involved with something at the school. My son’s played football so that is how we bonded, unfortunately, after the season was over we had very little to talk about. Make sure they know that you aren’t going anywhere when it comes to their lives, YOU WILL BE INVOLVED, whether they like it or not.

My second to the oldest son has also stopped attending mass/church and has just recently been allowed to go back to college (on probation for grades, but thank god he is going back). But as a parent we need to be supportive and set the example. Show them that you are there for them, need a ride early to school son? I can do that. Need a ride after school because you are studying? I can come and pick you up when I get off of work. Slide in a word of praise to our God every once in while in front of him. When you get in the car put it on KSBJ, or some other religous upbeat (radion station). Give them all of your attention and spare time you have, even if they don’t want it.

Be positive and upbeat every time you are with them, and even when you aren’t with them be positive and upbeat.

I have rarely missed mass in my life, but I didn’t always enjoy mass. So all of that time when God was trying to say something to me in mass (like, hey dummy, you are going to lose your family) I wasn’t listening, I wasn’t living like I should have been.

God whispers what he wants you to do, you just have to listen and hear the whisper. We get so involved with our lives we stop or can’t hear the whisper.

That is enough for now. God bless and God loves you my brother.

Still praying for you and everyone else with heartaches.

TC99

 

[styrgwillidar]

My wife and I are starting to have cordial conversation in discussing our son. He just started in the local Catholic high school and is not doing well. She knows why, and I’m sure she feels guilty about the effects of this family turmoil on him. I’ve e-mailed all the teachers about his missing assignments, and have spoken to the principal and the freshman counselor about our family situation. I’ve done all I can. He has to do the rest, and she needs to be supportive of him rather than continuing to focus on her self-generated problems. I was rather harsh with him last weekend when I saw how poorly he was doing, partly because he lied to us about having done his work. She has asked me to change my approach with him, and my therapist advised mo to speak to him like a colleague rather than just scolding him. I’ll see if he acts more maturely if I treat him in a more mature manner.

I did send an e-mail to my wife two nights ago that I still don’t want this divorce, that I still want to save our marriage, and that I believe it can be done if we both want it to work. She has yet to respond to that e-mail.

Disagree with talking to a child like they’re a colleage. They’re not, you talk to them like a father. Concerned, loving, understanding, compassionate, but setting standards and holding the child to them.

You know your kid best, you know what motivates them. I sat one of my kids down and told them that if they screwed up at school, or in other avenues, as a way to get their mom’s attention they would just mess up their options for the future, and still not have her attention. Don’t know if it helped, but they’ve maintained their grades. We’ve focused on rewarding them for staying on track, trying to emphasize that looking out after their own interests brings positive things and attention from us. (for example let my ex swing by and take the kid out for a treat as reward for particularly good report mid-week one night).

I guess my point is, kids will sometimes mess things up thinking it will bring attention from the parents, and right now they may value any attention more than good grades. They’re looking for something now vice thinking consequences for the future. I don’t know if that is happening with your son, but if he is looking for more attention make sure that he gets lots of it from both of you when the grades come up or makes a stronger effort.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for being so supportive.

Well, she’s agreed to sell the house. I know this was a very painful decision for her. Back in May she asked me to come to the house, and she was crying because her lawyer had advised her to do just that. It will be a huge undertaking for her, and very disruptive for the kids. In the long run, it is the right thing to do. Still, I feel so bad for her, and I know the kids are going to be even more resentful of me.

I’m back to hating my life. There is so much pain in my family. I spoke to a dear aunt and uncle, and they’ve tried to convince me that all of this is her doing and isn’t my fault. So why do I feel some responsibility? Because I couldn’t talk her into going into counseling? Because I didn’t meet all of her emotional needs? Because if I hadn’t insulted her and asked her why she wasn’t happy back in March of last year none of this would be happening? I used to tell her that she has free will and she can choose to make the marriage work. I guess she chose otherwise.

What would have been is what was. You’ve repented of what you did wrong. Your penance is to do your best to forgive what your wife has done against you. (At the rate you’re going, which is to say considering how hard you are trying to do the right thing now, there won’t be much temporal punishment left over any sins against your marriage, no matter what you did.)

Make the best of what you have, and let God’s mercy cover the rest. When she buys the new house, it would be a nice gesture to offer a “housewarming gift” for your wife and children, something that you know she would like but couldn’t afford, particularly something the kids could use. You might give her some idea of what you have in mind, and make it a gift to the kids from the two of you…that is, make it clear to her that you’re not trying to “buy” the kids, but want to give them a gift that shows their parents are trying to make the best of a hard situation.

 

[Serap]

You feel some responsibility because it IS partially your fault. You created the bad situation by treating her poorly for years. Yes, she should have spoken up much sooner, but that is hard. You betrayed her trust in you to treat her as a wife. Then when she finally spoke up, you took 6 mo to improve your behavior, gave her 6mo to trust you again and change, and when that didn’t happen you gave up. You have continued to treat her as a child and giver her orders. You offered counseling (which was listen to me and this other person tell you all the ways you screwed up) and when she offered to go you refused.

In her mind, she didn’t choose not to make the marriage work, she choose not to go back to a man who betrayed her, didn’t support her emotionally, doesn’t respect her, and (probably in her mind) doesn’t love her. Would you go back to that? No, because you are choosing not to right now.

She is not the only one responsible. The fact you believe your aunts points to the fact you are not taking responsibility for your all faults nor fixing them. She may be blaming you, but you are blaming her.

 

[Serap]

Hey Brother, looking good. God is at work, but at his pace, not yours. It is just a talk about your son and she is being cordial about it. IT IS A START. Definitely, not what you want. You want to make it work and make it work right now don’t you? I know I do and I still do. Later in another reply I will let you in on my life/situation.

The email? Well, let’s just say she read it (I did the same thing, I wrote her emails and later found out that she did read them). That’s probably all you can expect at this time. It is going to be hard but don’t push it, let it be. She knows how you feel but knowing and showing are two different things. It has to be done at her pace and at her will. God gave is free will and no one will enter the kingdom of heaven unless he goes through him.

It is all about a visible, soulful (is soulful a word?) change in you. Let me give you a prayer that I say everyday, some people call it the Serenity Prayer:

“God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Write it down and put it in your wallet, when you get frustrated pull it out and say the prayer. Dude, as a man I considered myself harder than woodpecker lips, that’s pretty hard. But after saying the prayer I can only think about my God, wife and children (in that order) and I just can’t help but see all of the love I have for them.

Your son, been there done that. Unfortunately for my oldest I/we had to learn the hard way. Although he did ok in High School (B average) we were not always on the best of terms. It showed when he went to college and failed out, twice. He also left the church. But I still Love him and try to talk to talk to him a few days a week. And I tell him that I LOVE HIM. There is not macho **** when it comes to family.

I know it is hard right now, but you have got to start enjoying his high school days with him (your other kids also). Try and get him involved with something at the school. My son’s played football so that is how we bonded, unfortunately, after the season was over we had very little to talk about. Make sure they know that you aren’t going anywhere when it comes to their lives, YOU WILL BE INVOLVED, whether they like it or not.

My second to the oldest son has also stopped attending mass/church and has just recently been allowed to go back to college (on probation for grades, but thank god he is going back). But as a parent we need to be supportive and set the example. Show them that you are there for them, need a ride early to school son? I can do that. Need a ride after school because you are studying? I can come and pick you up when I get off of work. Slide in a word of praise to our God every once in while in front of him. When you get in the car put it on KSBJ, or some other religous upbeat (radion station). Give them all of your attention and spare time you have, even if they don’t want it.

Be positive and upbeat every time you are with them, and even when you aren’t with them be positive and upbeat.

I have rarely missed mass in my life, but I didn’t always enjoy mass. So all of that time when God was trying to say something to me in mass (like, hey dummy, you are going to lose your family) I wasn’t listening, I wasn’t living like I should have been.

God whispers what he wants you to do, you just have to listen and hear the whisper. We get so involved with our lives we stop or can’t hear the whisper.

That is enough for now. God bless and God loves you my brother.

Still praying for you and everyone else with heartaches.

TC99

AMEN!!!

I was helping you a few months ago and now your words of inspiration are helping me! Thanks for that!

 

[Serap]

What would have been is what was. You’ve repented of what you did wrong. Your penance is to do your best to forgive what your wife has done against you. (At the rate you’re going, which is to say considering how hard you are trying to do the right thing now, there won’t be much temporal punishment left over any sins against your marriage, no matter what you did.)

Make the best of what you have, and let God’s mercy cover the rest. When she buys the new house, it would be a nice gesture to offer a “housewarming gift” for your wife and children, something that you know she would like but couldn’t afford, particularly something the kids could use. You might give her some idea of what you have in mind, and make it a gift to the kids from the two of you…that is, make it clear to her that you’re not trying to “buy” the kids, but want to give them a gift that shows their parents are trying to make the best of a hard situation.

In addition, these kids need to feel “in your face” loved whether they want it or not. Their brains are still developing and 10 years from now, they will have more mature insights and forgiveness abilities.

Get out there and love your children like they’ve never been loved before. Show love though actions, not through “things”. They don’t need more “things”; they need love.

Easterjoy gave a great idea of a housewarming gift when your wife buys a new home.

 

[Serap]

In addition, one way of making your son feel loved is to sit down with him 2 or 3 nights a week and help him with his homework for 2 or 3 hours. Take on a more consultative approach to helping him, so he doesn’t feel like you think he’s stupid.

I bet ya his grades will improve a lot and you guys will bond.

 

[TexasCatholic99]

AMEN sister SERAP

God Bless

 

[kbachler]

I did send an e-mail to my wife two nights ago that I still don’t want this divorce, that I still want to save our marriage, and that I believe it can be done if we both want it to work. She has yet to respond to that e-mail.

Love and "Big Mistake Small Mistake"

Tuc, I work as a consultant to large corporations, and I often have to persuade people One of the tools I use is called “Big Mistake Small Mistake”

If you have a chance, you might want to try plantng this sort of fought in her brain, and then let it go, let her cogitate on it…

Sart by saying that you love her, and you love your family, and you want your family and marriage to work more than anything else. It is your overriding priority.

That said, as you have worked through everything - not to say that you don’t still have much to work through - you neeed to consider what is the best thing for your family moving forward? To stay together or not stay together…?

And you looked at it this way. That you had learned a lot, and that she has learned a lot, and that while both of you still have much work to do, you realized that the possibility of being together and both of you continuing to be miserable in the future is very small - because you both want so badly for your family and yourselves to be together and to be happy. So staying together - if it is a mistake - is probably at worst only a small mistake, because you can see the commitment everyone would have to improving themselves and the family.

But when you consider being separated, the impact it would have on your children,the loss of your wife - “a pearl of great value” - the fact that you won’t be challenged to grow and improve in the same way - that you won’t be challenged to better yourself in the same way - that there is a BIG chance that losing all these things is a BIG mistake - that the loss of the potential life that you could have with your wife and family is too large of a price. And this doesn’t even include the damage to the individual lifestyles and quality of life outside of the family aspect for your children, you and your wife.

Said the right way (tweaked for your wife) this sets up an argument that she’ll mull over and start to say “Wow, some of this really makes sense. Do I really want to lose all of that - for what upside?”

Think about it.

 

[e3342]

No excuse for insulting your wife with profanity and I’d argue that saying “just get over it” is probably not a good idea either. Apologizing and meaning it and then LEAVING IT AT THAT is the best idea. Flowers, gifts, whatever just makes you look pathetic and like you’re trying to buy love. Apologizing like a man and just saying flat out “That was wrong. I was wrong. It’s inexcusable and I’m sorry” is about all you can do. Then you just go about being a good husband, maybe mention that you went to confession about it, and leaving it be.

Seems like she either a) has bad self-esteem, b) has a fixation problem or c) is latching on to any excuse she can get for her own behavior. Probably a combination of a and c.

I agree here. As a woman, I know I speak for most of us. When a husband says something hurtful and does not apologize, (a real apology), we hold resentment, sometimes for years, because in our minds, it is not resolved.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree here. As a woman, I know I speak for most of us. When a husband says something hurtful and does not apologize, (a real apology), we hold resentment, sometimes for years, because in our minds, it is not resolved.

That is me. My husband made a cruel comment on 9/11 and I have harbored resentment for the last 10 years. He has said other cruel things and I remember each and every one. I’ve often thought of making a kind of scrapbook with the ugly things he has said to me, and then burning it, once I really let the pain and scarring go.

 

[tucdoc]

Kbachler, my wife has said repeatedly that she does not want to be with me, and the she would be happier without me. She is only considering staying together for the kids, and once they are gone, would want to leave the marriage. That’s why I said no. Marriage is not a prison term, looking forward to the day that it is over. Marriage is for life, and life starts with each new day and ends when we die. I’ve already walked on egg-shells and jumped through hoops for her. Yes, I still love her, but if she has a laundry lists of requirements she expects from me, then how can I say that she also loves me?

I’m going to be blunt. What happened to forgiveness? How Christian is it to hold resentment for years? Bearing grudges makes you a prisoner of the past, unable to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. You allow the one who offended you once to continue offending you over and over again. Admittedly, it’s not easy, but ultimately, forgiveness helps the forgiver more than the forgiven.

 

[faithfully]

…I’m going to be blunt. What happened to forgiveness? How Christian is it to hold resentment for years? Bearing grudges makes you a prisoner of the past, unable to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. You allow the one who offended you once to continue offending you over and over again. Admittedly, it’s not easy, but ultimately, forgiveness helps the forgiver more than the forgiven.

Just thinking of this. I have some inlaws that have treated me pretty poorly off and on for 25 years. I TRY to start over every time I see them… and then they do it again.

I have no choice about their existance in our lives… but I do limit the time around for sure.

I’m at the point, I have zero expectations of good behavior… honestly, if my husband wasn’t in my life for whatever reason, these people would be HISTORY…

I’m thinking… have I forgiven them? I honestly can’t say. I THINK so… but I certainly remember the sting and the behaviors… AT FIRST, I could let it go… The thing is, I feel like an idiot when I THINK it won’t happen again… and then it does. And so now I know they will behave terribly given time. I try not to be “on guard”… but it would be foolish to sit around thinking it won’t happen… And SOMETIMES… NOTHING… SOMETIMES they totally behave… I’m a little shocked… I know I could easily forgive the onesy twoesy thing… but it’s constant. It will not end. The feelings of others are “not their problem” . Quoted because I was told this about another just 2 days ago.

I guess, I’m getting to… one can forgive… I think it’s the forgetting that gets harder and harder when one has something to forgive regularly… And well, perhaps one doesn’t ever want to be in the position to HAVE to forgive again. Meaning the offender is to just be avoided.

Is this your situation? Her’s? I have NO IDEA… but I can imagine why a person says I just don’t ever want to be around you again…

 

[angelerulastiel]

You allow the one who offended you once to continue offending you over and over again. Admittedly, it’s not easy, but ultimately, forgiveness helps the forgiver more than the forgiven.

Umm, haven’t you stopped allowing her to offend you? Isn’t that way you are getting divorced? Because she has offended you and you won’t tolerate it any more? So how can you expect her to do what you won’t do?

Oh, and she may just be saying that she wants to stay together “for the kids” so you can get back together without her having to admit splitting was a bad idea.

 

[tucdoc]

She doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I make her feel uncomfortable. I don’t know if it’s because of the things that happened before I moved out, or because she is not getting her way in the divorce (cutting back my parenting time, asking for more alimony and a loan to buy me out of the house and to buy herself a car). I’ve asked her repeatedly since moving out to please reconsider reconciling, but she won’t go to counseling. I can’t live like I did last year. It’s not what she did (the baseball trips and dinners), I can forgive her for that. It’s the constant contempt and resentment that I can’t live with, which the kids can feel and affects how they see me.

 

[qui_est_ce]

She doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I make her feel uncomfortable. I don’t know if it’s because of the things that happened before I moved out, or because she is not getting her way in the divorce (cutting back my parenting time, asking for more alimony and a loan to buy me out of the house and to buy herself a car). I’ve asked her repeatedly since moving out to please reconsider reconciling, but she won’t go to counseling. I can’t live like I did last year. It’s not what she did (the baseball trips and dinners), I can forgive her for that. It’s the constant contempt and resentment that I can’t live with, which the kids can feel and affects how they see me.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my Faith in Thee.

 

[EasterJoy]

In addition, these kids need to feel “in your face” loved whether they want it or not. Their brains are still developing and 10 years from now, they will have more mature insights and forgiveness abilities.

Get out there and love your children like they’ve never been loved before. Show love though actions, not through “things”. They don’t need more “things”; they need love.

Easterjoy gave a great idea of a housewarming gift when your wife buys a new home.

I was thinking a nesting thing, even if it is a quilt or even one of those poly throws for each of them, or maybe their plates and flatware or drinking glasses are getting a bit tired. (The old stuff could be saved for when the kids get college apartments or else given to an organization that helps people get started in life.) Even new teflon pans and new nylon spatulas for making breakfast or kitchen and bath towels that match the new place. Not stuff that says “I want you to forgive me and love me” but stuff that says, “this is our new home, and you know, it is kind of cozy.”