Wife is OBESE

[EasterJoy]

On one hand, I can somewhat understand how he feels about the situation, especially about his wife being fat. But, him venting like this is not advisable.

It does not hurt for him to realize that his way of wording things is so over the top that it strains belief. The tempter can talk us into some ludicrous ways of thinking, into depths of self-absorption beyond what anyone who knows us thinks us capable, and we can con ourselves into thinking it is reasonable. That is human nature, and it doesn’t take a troll. What trolls do, though, is to voice things on the edge of what someone would actually dare to say, just so they can watch the fireworks.

 

[Crescentinus]

That may well be, but it does not make him a troll.

Hence, me saying that calling him a troll may not be a good idea.

 

[Crescentinus]

It does not hurt for him to realize that his way of wording things is so over the top that it strains belief. The tempter can talk us into some ludicrous ways of thinking, into depths of self-absorption beyond what anyone who knows us thinks us capable, and we can con ourselves into thinking it is reasonable. That is human nature, and it doesn’t take a troll. What trolls do, though, is to voice things on the edge of what someone would actually dare to say, just so they can watch the fireworks.

True.
Thus me treating this thread with some suspicion.

 

[PrayRosary]

If he is a troll, he has been lurking here long enough to know just what to say and the proper forum to say it in! Cleeeeever little troll we got here!

 

[jimmy]

It does not hurt for him to realize that his way of wording things is so over the top that it strains belief. The tempter can talk us into some ludicrous ways of thinking, into depths of self-absorption beyond what anyone who knows us thinks us capable, and we can con ourselves into thinking it is reasonable. That is human nature, and it doesn’t take a troll. What trolls do, though, is to voice things on the edge of what someone would actually dare to say, just so they can watch the fireworks.

At the same time, many of the responses say that he should just ignore that she has become obese. He is automatically assumed to be wrong because he wants his wife to be attractive to him, or at least put forth the effort to be attractive. In other words, he should be sensitive to her emotions? But there is no necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. Hers are good (or at least we should be sympathetic to them), his are evil and we should condemn them. There is a problem with this way of thinking.

 

[Sillara]

At the same time, many of the responses say that he should just ignore that she has become obese. He is automatically assumed to be wrong because he wants his wife to be attractive to him, or at least put forth the effort to be attractive. In other words, he should be sensitive to her emotions? But there is no necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. Hers are good (or at least we should be sympathetic to them), his are evil and we should condemn them. There is a problem with this way of thinking.

Very true.

 

[cheezey]

At the same time, many of the responses say that he should just ignore that she has become obese. He is automatically assumed to be wrong because he wants his wife to be attractive to him, or at least put forth the effort to be attractive. In other words, he should be sensitive to her emotions? But there is no necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. Hers are good (or at least we should be sympathetic to them), his are evil and we should condemn them. There is a problem with this way of thinking.

She is not the one calling him a beast.
There IS a necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. But she’s not the one posting.
He may be in fact assumed wrong for his wants; it’s how he’s making himself known with his wants that is problematic. I mean, really, A beast? How cruel.

 

[PrayRosary]

At the same time, many of the responses say that he should just ignore that she has become obese. He is automatically assumed to be wrong because he wants his wife to be attractive to him, or at least put forth the effort to be attractive. In other words, he should be sensitive to her emotions? But there is no necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. Hers are good (or at least we should be sympathetic to them), his are evil and we should condemn them. There is a problem with this way of thinking.

I respectfully disagree. His emotions are obviously rooted in selfishness. Post #1 is the fruit of his selfishness. If she was “withholding” then I can understand his complaint. However, the OP said she is affectionate. The OP selfishly wants her to fit the mold of what he thinks a woman should look like.

 

[YESSENIA1]

Shame on you!!! How can you call the mother
of your children an elephant and a beast?
You could of made your point and not be so
harsh. My heart and prayers go out to your
wife. Your wife may need to lose weight.
But you needs some help also. A real man doesn’t
Throw his wife under the bus because he’s not
happy…:tsktsk::tsktsk::tsktsk:

 

[Jennifoo]

Has gluttony been determined?
Obesity runs the gambit of who it affects.
Motherhood may be a reason, nevertheless. It’s an all encompassing endeavor.
Is it known that she is willfully/purposefully resisting? Is it known that she is resisting subconsciously?
We do not know.

Sorry to say, but the obesity epidemic needs to be taken seriously. I used to be overweight. I lost over 80 pounds since 2003. I knew at the time I was eating too much food. Also I know many obese people who are aware that they eat too much. I have studied nutrition and the obesity epidemic. It only gets worse when we fail to take it seriously and provide the necessary remedy- sound, healthful eating, portion control and regular exercise. It’s important to note that this is a recent phenomenon. When you go back a few decades, people on the whole were thinner and healthier.
As for this situation, I am relying on the OP’s testimony. He has tried to help his wife get back to a healthy weight by purchasing gym memberships, exercise equipment and videos, and she doesn’t use them. Sounds willful to me, but. I’m not making an absolute judgement.

 

[jimmy]

She is not the one calling him a beast.
There IS a necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. But she’s not the one posting.
He may be in fact assumed wrong for his wants; it’s how he’s making himself known with his wants that is problematic. I mean, really, A beast? How cruel.

I am not sure what you mean by the sentence “he may in fact…” I guessing you meant that his desires may not be wrong, that maybe it is understandable.

The way he states it is disgusting, and he should be more sensitive to how he talks about his wife, especially behind her back like this. But that doesn’t change the fact that he has an emotional state as well. Whether she is posting ir not doesn’t change that it is a two person relationship, and she has to put effort into it as well. You guys hold to this double standard in which his emotional state means nothing, but he should feel for her. She is obviously hurting, and he is just a jerk.

 

[jimmy]

I respectfully disagree. His emotions are obviously rooted in selfishness. Post #1 is the fruit of his selfishness. If she was “withholding” then I can understand his complaint. However, the OP said she is affectionate. The OP selfishly wants her to fit the mold of what he thinks a woman should look like.

What, a man is no longer to be attracted to a womans beauty? Should I be looking for ugly women to go on dates with? The erotic is part of love. Sure he is being selfish, and so is she. She is unwilling to put any effort into looking good for him. It is natural for women to be affectionate, that is the way they are.

 

[yellowbird]

This is a ridiculous choice you offer here. A man can’t expect his wife to at least try to look good for him? We recognize that people are attracted by physical beauty, but then when we take the vows that attraction no longer even matters? We are to pretend that physical beauty no longer means anything to us? What are we, all spirit now? Have we ceased to be human?

Then you offer this choice, leave or accept the situation as is. Pretend that fat is thin, and ugly is beautiful. Doesn’t the wife have any responsibility to at least try to be attractive to her husband? It sounds almost deceptive to me. A man is attracted by a woman’s beauty, and then when he takes the vow to love her in sickness and health, she lets herself go. She no longer has any responsibility to attract him, but his love must remain the same. It sounds like a trap.

If SHE doesn’t want to change what do you suggest his options are? Lock her in a closet and withhold food?

He can either ask God to help him love her, and accept her as she is -

or divorce her and find someone who fits his vision of beauty.

Do you seriously think God wants him to pick door #2?

It’s not a trap - it’s reality. Neither the Bible nor the CC give anyone an “out” on their marriage because their spouse “let themselves go” physically. I doubt he’d find a Priest who would say it’s ok to divorce the mother of his children because she is fat.

 

[cheezey]

She is not the one calling him a beast.
There IS a necessity for her to be sensitive to his emotions. But she’s not the one posting.
He may be in fact assumed wrong for his wants; it’s how he’s making himself known with his wants that is problematic. I mean, really, A beast? How cruel.

I am not sure what you mean by the sentence “he may in fact…” I guessing you meant that his desires may not be wrong, that maybe it is understandable.

People are saying he is wrong to be so judgmental. I am reserving judgement. He may in fact be this and that, but his delivery is cruel.

The way he states it is disgusting, and he should be more sensitive to how he talks about his wife, especially behind her back like this. But that doesn’t change the fact that he has an emotional state as well.

Agreed re: his insensitivity. Agreed re: his emotional state, yes,this must be frustrating for him.

Whether she is posting ir not doesn’t change that it is a two person relationship, and she has to put effort into it as well. You guys hold to this double standard in which his emotional state means nothing, but he should feel for her. She is obviously hurting, and he is just a jerk.

Didn’t say otherwise; was merely pointing out that we are getting only his side. There is no double standard that I can see re: feelings. No one should call any one a beast. That is an equal opportunity no no.

 

[PrayRosary]

What, a man is no longer to be attracted to a womans beauty? Should I be looking for ugly women to go on dates with? The erotic is part of love. Sure he is being selfish, and so is she. She is unwilling to put any effort into looking good for him. It is natural for women to be affectionate, that is the way they are.

I get it now. Youre not married. Thats probably why youre placing a woman’s exterior qualities in such high priority. Its because youre in a “courting” mindset, and thats the first thing you notice. I get it. But, your situation is not the same as the OPs. The OP has been married for years. Kids, bills, the whole thing. Charity and maturity towards his wife are expected of him.

 

[cheezey]

Wow. 195 posts…I wonder for but a second if the OP is still reading?

 

[jimmy]

If SHE doesn’t want to change what do you suggest his options are? Lock her in a closet and withhold food?

He can either ask God to help him love her, and accept her as she is -

or divorce her and find someone who fits his vision of beauty.

Do you seriously think God wants him to pick door #2?

It’s not a trap - it’s reality. Neither the Bible nor the CC give anyone an “out” on their marriage because their spouse “let themselves go” physically. I doubt he’d find a Priest who would say it’s ok to divorce the mother of his children because she is fat.

No one said divorce was an option except you.

The other option is unrealistic. The fact is that men are attracted by physical beauty. He can’t just pretend to not care about her physical appearance. She should take at least some effort to stay in shape.

 

[28562]

But there are husbands out there like this, that’s the thing. My other half said early on that he would not have even given me a second look had I been overweight. What’s worse, when he said that, I was going through a tough time and weighed about 92 pounds. I made a remark that I cannot mention here, but the bottom line is he thinks anything over 100 pounds for my height, which is a whopping **5", **is overweight. But yes, Op should be expressing his concerns and feelings more gracefully, patiently, respectfully, and with encouragement.

Unfortunately, I’d have to agree with your husband. If you weigh 100lbs and you are only 5 inches tall, that is definitely not good…



Sorry…couldn’t help it…

 

[cheezey]

Unfortunately, I’d have to agree with your husband. If you weigh 100lbs and you are only 5 inches tall, that is definitely not good…



Sorry…couldn’t help it…

You had me going there for a second…I like observant people. I am one, too, but very very tired…doesn’t count when tired…

 

[yellowbird]

No one said divorce was an option except you.

The other option is unrealistic. The fact is that men are attracted by physical beauty. He can’t just pretend to not care about her physical appearance. She should take at least some effort to stay in shape.

Right - she should make an effort to stay healthy and 100lbs. overweight is not healthy. And if she were posting, I could encourage her to do that.

But she isn’t posting - he is. So what’s your advice for HIM? What’s your advice for the guy who calls his wife names, and says she disgusts him to the extent that he can only have sex with her after 4 beers, and even then he still hates it? He is the one who asked for advice… what do you tell him?

Since divorce is not an option, wouldn’t your advice also be to try to love her as God loves her? Unconditionally? Instead of calling her names and pushing her to lose weight (buying all the equiptment and gym memberships) because as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for ya?”