Wife is OBESE

[Serap]

What if we got the following post…

“My husband of 20 years has really let his hygiene go. He showers only once a week, hasn’t cut his hair in 6 months and brushes his teeth only here and there. He has body odor and his hair is oily and his nails are often too long and dirty. It disgusts me because when we married he took pride in his appearance and was very neat and clean. Over the years he has waned in his interest for good grooming and now I am at a point where his odor and dirty habits are a complete turn off and I don’t even want to share a bes with him. Intimacy is torture and I feel like I’m having sex with a homeless person. When we go out, people notice that he stinks and is unclean. It’s so embarrassing. This is not the man I married and no matter what I say or do, he blows me off and says I’m being too picky. The truth is that I am really tired of even being around him because he won’t even try. I make haircut appointments, and he no-shows. I buy him high end shaving supplies and shampoo and they are never used. Finally I told him he reeks and is gross, and he said he was just “natural” and to get over it because he isn’t 25 anymore. I refuse to be intimate with him anymore because of his odor, his bad breath, his oily hair, and his dirty nails. I love him as a person but as a romantic partner it’s just too nauseating. I wish he would just TRY but he won’t and says he does not need or want to see a counselor. He believes I am just putting a Western standard of cleanliness on him that is unfair. I want my clean husband back.”

Would anyone tell this woman to just accept this as “part of aging” or an acceptable way for her husband to live? “Learn to love him as he is?” “Accept that he won’t ever have the grooming habits of a male model?” Of course not. We can all relate to not wanting to share intimacy with an unclean person. MM’s wife’s obesity is exactly the same. He stated she had a full workup and that there is no medical reason for her obesity. He stated she has never seriously attempted to lose weight. Ahe knows her abnormal appearance bothers her husband and she seems to care not. Sure, she’s in her 40s and has had kids. That in no way means she should be obese. An extra 5-10 lbs? Sure, it happens after kids and as we age. But an extra 60-70 is way, way outside the norm and there is really no excuse except for lack of effort and willpower. Obesity is unhealthy and reduces lifespan and quality of life, especially as the years go by. Habits that are unhealthy tend to be unattractive and repellant to others. MM has every right to be furious about his wife’s lack of effort to control her weight. No, he should not call her nasty names. No excuse for that. But I can’t believe how many people here have basically told him that it’s not a big deal that his wife has essentially disfigured herself and blamed it on pregnancies, what’s sold at the grocery store, medical conditions she does not have, and aging! He never said he wanted a supermodel and seeral times he said he accepted the aging process just fine. Aging does NOT equal getting fat and certainly does not mean being 70 lbs Overweight.

 

[Kit15]

What if we got the following post…

“My husband of 20 years has really let his hygiene go. He showers only once a week, hasn’t cut his hair in 6 months and brushes his teeth only here and there. He has body odor and his hair is oily and his nails are often too long and dirty. It disgusts me because when we married he took pride in his appearance and was very neat and clean. Over the years he has waned in his interest for good grooming and now I am at a point where his odor and dirty habits are a complete turn off and I don’t even want to share a bes with him. Intimacy is torture and I feel like I’m having sex with a homeless person. When we go out, people notice that he stinks and is unclean. It’s so embarrassing. This is not the man I married and no matter what I say or do, he blows me off and says I’m being too picky. The truth is that I am really tired of even being around him because he won’t even try. I make haircut appointments, and he no-shows. I buy him high end shaving supplies and shampoo and they are never used. Finally I told him he reeks and is gross, and he said he was just “natural” and to get over it because he isn’t 25 anymore. I refuse to be intimate with him anymore because of his odor, his bad breath, his oily hair, and his dirty nails. I love him as a person but as a romantic partner it’s just too nauseating. I wish he would just TRY but he won’t and says he does not need or want to see a counselor. He believes I am just putting a Western standard of cleanliness on him that is unfair. I want my clean husband back.”.

I don’t see the difference. A human being will not change their bad habits, ANY bad habit, until they want to and nagging about it won’t help much.

The wife probably should find a motivation OUTSIDE of losing weight. What about something she can do? Something she can find fulfilling that has nothing to do with looks? Lift a weight she’s never been able to lift before. Run a distance she’s never gone before. Forget speed. Distance running is one of the few activities I know where people also cheer for those who come in last.

I took up running because I was so determined to run a marathon someday. I’m a fat slowbie (my animal of choice is manatee thankyouverymuch). But I felt like Wonder Woman the first time I ran a mile because I was never able to do that before. Two weeks ago I ran a half-marathon!

Here’s the catch…no one except my husband believes I can do it. But no one believed I could do half that distance either.

AND…one step at a time I’m starting to change my habits. Running the half was the first time I every felt scared of my goal. 5K? 10K? Pffft…I can do that over and over. Realizing that I had reached 50% of the distance in THAT race? I was scared. So now I’m actually stopping to look at food wondering “Is this going to speed me up or slow me down?” Not EVERY piece of food…just the really obvious stuff for now.

Tell her you’ll take her on a nice week-long trip Disney World to run a distance race there. That should get her moving.

 

[Serap]

You can live the sin of impurity even in marriage. Your spouse is more then a body, you have married them for the best and the worst, please pray and learn to love them for who they are.

Why human feel that their spouse has the main duty to serve them, to make them happy or has no say or opinion. We are to serve God with all of our heart. Being a good wife, a good husband or a good child is a way to express love to God. A good wife or good husband don’t have the duty to be sexy for their partner it isn’t what they swear to honor at the altar. If someone has any sort of addiction, they need prayer. It isn’t our role to judge but God will do this. Don’t judge, if you don’t want to be judge.

It is a place to pray, if you don’t wish to be exposed to any prayer, perhaps, it is the wrong board for you. This man that is posting this request, is seeking for help and understanding, it isn’t fair to put him down, i think he is truly sincere and needs guidance. On the other hand, nothing wrong to share our impression and what we feel could help.

I think this thread could be a great opportunity to learn from one another but we must put our pride aside and and have an open mind.

All the best and i do pray for everyone of you.

this is about health and growing old together healthy too. if my husband were obese, I would NEVER accept it…NEVER. I would be all over him telling him to lose weight.

I want to grow old with my husband and be able to do things together as a couple when the kids are grown up.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m getting really sick of hearing that so many people are just saying let it go and live with it. We aren’t saying that at all.

What we are saying is that we wouldn’t put on mascara for a man like this, much less lose 100 lbs. If he wants his wife to do this for him, then he needs to be a man worth doing it for.

 

[Kit15]

What we are saying is that we wouldn’t put on mascara for a man like this, much less lose 100 lbs. If he wants his wife to do this for him, then he needs to be a man worth doing it for.

Agreed…at least my husband has the common sense to tell me he wants to keep me around as long as possible…

 

[Serap]

If we take the OP at what he said…

1. wife is 5.2 and 190
2. She is attrocious to look at, he described her body in quite grotesque terms
3. She needs to buy clothing in a specialty shop for heavy women
4. People snicker and say names behind her back
5. Simultanously though she gets her nails done weekly and her hair done frequently

I’m an inch taller. After my DD was born for a bit a weighed about 185. So just about 5 pounds less.

I was a size 16. Size 16. I could purchase clothing in a normal store, I was about average compared to other women I would see. No one was pointing and laughing. My husband did not think I was grotesque, nor did he required 4 beers to perform. I was not disfigured.

the guy is most likely a 16 year old troll…I suspect anyway. He’s enjoying this.

when you put it like that, I never would have thought of you as being obese…overweight, yes, but not a “beast” or whatever he wrote.

IMO, there is nothing wrong with being overweight, so long as you are active and in good health.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What if we got the following post…

“My husband of 20 years has really let his hygiene go. He showers only once a week, hasn’t cut his hair in 6 months and brushes his teeth only here and there. He has body odor and his hair is oily and his nails are often too long and dirty. It disgusts me because when we married he took pride in his appearance and was very neat and clean. Over the years he has waned in his interest for good grooming and now I am at a point where his odor and dirty habits are a complete turn off and I don’t even want to share a bes with him. Intimacy is torture and I feel like I’m having sex with a homeless person. When we go out, people notice that he stinks and is unclean. It’s so embarrassing. This is not the man I married and no matter what I say or do, he blows me off and says I’m being too picky. The truth is that I am really tired of even being around him because he won’t even try. I make haircut appointments, and he no-shows. I buy him high end shaving supplies and shampoo and they are never used. Finally I told him he reeks and is gross, and he said he was just “natural” and to get over it because he isn’t 25 anymore. I refuse to be intimate with him anymore because of his odor, his bad breath, his oily hair, and his dirty nails. I love him as a person but as a romantic partner it’s just too nauseating. I wish he would just TRY but he won’t and says he does not need or want to see a counselor. He believes I am just putting a Western standard of cleanliness on him that is unfair. I want my clean husband back.”

Would anyone tell this woman to just accept this as “part of aging” or an acceptable way for her husband to live? “Learn to love him as he is?” “Accept that he won’t ever have the grooming habits of a male model?” Of course not. We can all relate to not wanting to share intimacy with an unclean person. MM’s wife’s obesity is exactly the same. He stated she had a full workup and that there is no medical reason for her obesity. He stated she has never seriously attempted to lose weight. Ahe knows her abnormal appearance bothers her husband and she seems to care not. Sure, she’s in her 40s and has had kids. That in no way means she should be obese. An extra 5-10 lbs? Sure, it happens after kids and as we age. But an extra 60-70 is way, way outside the norm and there is really no excuse except for lack of effort and willpower. Obesity is unhealthy and reduces lifespan and quality of life, especially as the years go by. Habits that are unhealthy tend to be unattractive and repellant to others. MM has every right to be furious about his wife’s lack of effort to control her weight. No, he should not call her nasty names. No excuse for that. But I can’t believe how many people here have basically told him that it’s not a big deal that his wife has essentially disfigured herself and blamed it on pregnancies, what’s sold at the grocery store, medical conditions she does not have, and aging! He never said he wanted a supermodel and seeral times he said he accepted the aging process just fine. Aging does NOT equal getting fat and certainly does not mean being 70 lbs Overweight.

If the wife came on here calling her husband a beast and a bum and all sorts of other derogatory names and made such derisive statements, she’d be condemned for that. We’d still remind her that he is her spouse for life, and that he has a problem that needs treatment through LOVE not abuse. If she spoke about him in such a nasty way as the OP did, she would be reminded that she took vows with this man and that he is still God’s precious son, and she needs to help find help for him.

You are missing the main point here. He is focused on HER. The splinter in her eye is that she has gained a lot of weight. The plank in HIS eye is that he thinks he’s pretty darn near perfect and if she were more like HIM, all would be well. Meanwhile, he has called her a BEAST, and an ELEPHANT, and said all manner of nasty things about her. I do not believe that a loving husband would ever say such things. But someone who doesn’t truly love his wife, might (or a troll might!)

If she got sick with cancer, would such a person (assuming he were real, which I don’t) come here complaining about how skinny his wife had become, and how her being a bag of bones is not sexy to him, and why can’t she gain some weight so he doesn’t have to look at her emaciated body? The way the OP has set up his post, you can imagine that he would. There’s a problem here, and the constant derision directed toward her is not the solution but part of the problem.

 

[cheezey]

Treat people with dignity, and you may have a chance of a good response.

a great chance, actually

 

[jimmy]

I don’t see the difference. A human being will not change their bad habits, ANY bad habit, until they want to and nagging about it won’t help much.

The wife probably should find a motivation OUTSIDE of losing weight. What about something she can do? Something she can find fulfilling that has nothing to do with looks? Lift a weight she’s never been able to lift before. Run a distance she’s never gone before. Forget speed. Distance running is one of the few activities I know where people also cheer for those who come in last.

I took up running because I was so determined to run a marathon someday. I’m a fat slowbie (my animal of choice is manatee thankyouverymuch). But I felt like Wonder Woman the first time I ran a mile because I was never able to do that before. Two weeks ago I ran a half-marathon!

Here’s the catch…no one except my husband believes I can do it. But no one believed I could do half that distance either.

AND…one step at a time I’m starting to change my habits. Running the half was the first time I every felt scared of my goal. 5K? 10K? Pffft…I can do that over and over. Realizing that I had reached 50% of the distance in THAT race? I was scared. So now I’m actually stopping to look at food wondering “Is this going to speed me up or slow me down?” Not EVERY piece of food…just the really obvious stuff for now.

Tell her you’ll take her on a nice week-long trip Disney World to run a distance race there. That should get her moving.

Congratulations. That is a great accomplishment.

 

[Serap]

I’m getting really sick of hearing that so many people are just saying let it go and live with it. We aren’t saying that at all.

What we are saying is that we wouldn’t put on mascara for a man like this, much less lose 100 lbs. If he wants his wife to do this for him, then he needs to be a man worth doing it for.

true.

I think it’s funny when you see an overweight guy acting like he’s “all that” and wanting hot young women around him…too funny. I used to be a bartender and men with money were able to pull this off.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If we take the OP at what he said…

1. wife is 5.2 and 190
2. She is attrocious to look at, he described her body in quite grotesque terms
3. She needs to buy clothing in a specialty shop for heavy women
4. People snicker and say names behind her back
5. Simultanously though she gets her nails done weekly and her hair done frequently

I’m an inch taller. After my DD was born for a bit a weighed about 185. So just about 5 pounds less.

I was a size 16. Size 16. I could purchase clothing in a normal store, I was about average compared to other women I would see. No one was pointing and laughing. My husband did not think I was grotesque, nor did he required 4 beers to perform. I was not disfigured.

That’s what gave him away as a troll for me. When I was 19 I was at my peak weight. I was 5’2 and just over 200. I was never bigger than a size 14 and I got tons of male attention. No one made comments, no one mocked me, and no one would have called me an inactive beast.

The OP in his trolling didn’t realize that what he described is not someone who weighs 200 lbs, but rather someone who weighs 350.

 

[maryjk]

If we take the OP at what he said…

1. wife is 5.2 and 190
2. She is attrocious to look at, he described her body in quite grotesque terms
3. She needs to buy clothing in a specialty shop for heavy women
4. People snicker and say names behind her back
5. Simultanously though she gets her nails done weekly and her hair done frequently

I’m an inch taller. After my DD was born for a bit a weighed about 185. So just about 5 pounds less.

I was a size 16. Size 16. I could purchase clothing in a normal store, I was about average compared to other women I would see. No one was pointing and laughing. My husband did not think I was grotesque, nor did he required 4 beers to perform. I was not disfigured.

If she is twice her “normal” weight, at 190, she was 95 pounds before. At 95 pounds she had a BMI of 17.4. Underweight, starts at a BMI of 18.5

 

[jimmy]

I’m getting really sick of hearing that so many people are just saying let it go and live with it. We aren’t saying that at all.

What we are saying is that we wouldn’t put on mascara for a man like this, much less lose 100 lbs. If he wants his wife to do this for him, then he needs to be a man worth doing it for.

You might not be saying he should just get over it but others are. And I agree with the rest. He sounds like an ***.

 

[Leuce]

**When we got married she was I think 21 and she weighed maybe 110 lbs and she is 5’2. **She had a great figure what a fox she was. Now I know for sure she weighs at least 190 which is a lot of fat on that small body. She is really huge and honestly I am not attracted to that kind of thing.

She says she is busy and has no self control and hates the gym. I bought her a set of weights and videos to do at home. They are barely used. I signed her up for Weight Watchers and a woman’s only gym. She let both memberships expire unused. I bought her an eliptical for Christmas in 2010 and it maybe has been turned on twice. This last christmas i bought her 12 sessions with a trainer and she has not even made one appointment. I bring home cookbooks about healthy eating and light cooking, and honestly her dinners arent that bad I don’t know what she is doing while I’m at work. Sometimes I see fast food wrappers in her car and I know she hides candy and drinks Cokes. Frankly, I am tired to trying to get her to like be attractive and take care of herself.

She wants romance and I do try but what I am supposed to do with this huge lady? I love her as the mother of my kids and my wife but there is honestly zero attraction and I am repulsed by how far she’s slipped and how she has let herself go. Its gross and I can’t even get aroused because I feel like I am in bed with an elephant. You men will know you can’t make it with a girl who is just too fat.

We had some good years but now I am about to walk out. I dont deserve this I did not marry a beast. She does NOT have a thyroid problem or a hormonal disorder because I made her have a complete workup in October and the doctor said she’s fine but has high blood pressure and needs to lose weight. That was when she was 190 and I bet she has packed on even more since then because obviously she does not even care about herself or about how I feel to be seen with this person in public. Like, I’ve taken care of myself and worked hard and here I am just married to this massive beast of a woman.

Don’t get me wrong I do love her. She is a good mom but has not enough energy because she is so big. She might be over 200 now who knows. How can I get her to fix this before I just give up? I know divorce is wrong and I guess that’s why I am coming here because I can’t talk about this to any of our friends.

I dont want to sound shallow but how do you stay married to someone whose looks are becoming repulsive and who does not even give a **** about changing that for you, or for her own health and sense of pride? She knows I love her and I don’t want to leave I just want her to get down to like maybe 125 and be my girl again.

Thanks for your help and please I am not a jerk just sick of her not caring about herself and not caring if I am turned off by her size. She tries to initiate sex and I usually go with it but it takes so much mental work to get past the thighs and the gut and the hanging bossoms that I end up thinking of other ladies just to get an erection and I don’t want to do that!

As it has been mentioned that you could be a troll, regardless I just felt like posting because weight loss hits close to home for me. I’ve been working with my weight for 2 years after I gained a lot due to anti depressant meds, bad eating habits etc.
My height is 5.2 and currently my weight is 187 lbs, working my way down. (At the worst I was at around 240! Now, around that you could perhaps start to toss the rhino comparison, but still it isn’t quite at elephant

Firstly I find it very hard to believe that your wife looks as bad as you portrait her if she is 5.2 and in the range of 190. Sure, body types are different.

Anyhow. If you are true, the key to get your wife to loose weight is not to toss cures at her or excercise equippment. Weight loss, if you want it to be permanent is not to go on a diet. Those are short lived and often what happens when people been on a diet is that when they start to eat normal food again, they gain weight, often a little more than they lost from the diet. Dieting only puts the body in a “crisis mode”.

To sucssfully loose weight is to do it slowly. When you loose weight slowly, your body gets time to adjust and do not enter the “crisis mode”. So it might take 3 years to get to the goals, but does that really matter if it then sticks? Weight loss isn’t just dieting, it is a life change.
Eat healthy foods, eat 4 meals a day and some “in between meals” which contain fruit, vegetables and perhaps in the morning hours a low fat yoghurt. The key is to eat smaller meals more often, so that your body keeps burning calories.
Of course excercise as well. But you don’t have to be a gym nut. Find things that are enjoyable. Walks, biscycle, swimming, tennis, dancing, yoga ++++ The key is that this isn’t to be a short lived diet, but a life change, so do something you like.

Perhaps your wife would like dancing with you? You could do salsa lessons perhaps
She initiates for sex, but you say it is hard for you because you find her so repulsive. Well, sex isn’t just a way to express love in a marriage and to be connected or to produce kids. Sex is also great excercise.

Anyhow, this is something your wife has to want for herself.
It doesn’t matter how much you want it. Because she is the one that has to do it, so she has to want it.
What you can do and should do if she wants this is to support her(which you should do regardless btw). The support would be in making her feel loved for how she is(yes, that means even now when you find her “repulsive”, also something you should do regardless btw).
It means that when/if she starts to make changes to food, you are on-board!
You have been wanting this thing, so do not complain if you suddenly find your dinners containing more fish, white meat, brown rice, vegetables etc.

 

[OraLabora]

Where we all have to be careful is drawing the line between valuing someone solely for their looks and excusing unhealthy behavior as simply facts of life. No man should ever stop loving his wife if she becomes severely overweight. It’s cruel and un-Christlike. But everyone needs to understand that his or her body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and should be treated accordingly. And yes, physical attractiveness matters. It does not determine your value as a child of God, but does matter in terms of your health and it matters in terms of demonstrating that you want to look your best for your spouse. This goes for both women and men.

All of us married people should, every day, try to become MORE attractive to our spouses. As a general rule that usually means becoming even more loving and more Christ-like; building up our spiritual and emotional attractiveness. But also means staying as physically fit as possible.

First of all up front I will identify my gender: I am male, a husband of nearly 25 years, and a father of 3.

One thing my married life taught me is that the only person I have any control over is myself. The only person I can change with any kind of effectiveness is myself. Cajoling, goading, subtle-and-not-so-subtle hints, etc. to get her to change, are really telling your spouse “it’s really all about me”.

(directed at the OP, not you Bucket) The question I would ask to the OP is: what have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? And I’m not just speaking about physical attractiveness, I mean emotional attractiveness too.

Do you treat her as the Queen of your household?
Do you value and respect her opinion on matters large and small concerning the family?
Do you do things with her, meaning, recreational activities?
Would you rather spend time with her or with your buddies?
Do you help her around the house?
Do you take an equal share of dealing with the kids?
Do you give her a break (take her out, cook dinner for her)?
Do you hug her a lot?
Do you try to lift her spirits when she’s down?
Do you laugh with her?
Do you cry with her?

And most important of all, do you LISTEN to her? Without offering advice. Just listen sympathetically. Actively listen, and REMEMBER what she told you.

Or do you treat her as an object?
Do you run from the house at the first opportunity?
We do know you scorn her for her appearance which no doubt makes her feel even worse about herself.

A woman who’s emotional needs and need for security aren’t being met, will have issues. It’s the MAN’S job to meet those needs.

If I can say these things, it an issue of “been there, done that”. The switch flipped about 3 years ago. We’re both in our mid-50s and the last three years have been like an extended honeymoon. My airport buddies (aviation is my main hobby) keep telling me “how come we don’t see you around here so much anymore?”. It’s because in the past I used to spend most Saturday mornings with them. Now, I’m more likely on Saturday mornings to have a leisurely breakfast with my wife, then we either hit the road on our bikes (summer) or go hiking/snowshoeing in the mountains (winter) together. We’re having a heck of a lot of fun, and it’s put the spark back in our relationship!

Try investing of yourself in HER, and make HER your best friend, and I can guarantee you’ll reap rewards.

 

[yellowbird]

First of all up front I will identify my gender: I am male, a husband of nearly 25 years, and a father of 3.

One thing my married life taught me is that the only person I have any control over is myself. The only person I can change with any kind of effectiveness is myself. Cajoling, goading, subtle-and-not-so-subtle hints, etc. to get her to change, are really telling your spouse “it’s really all about me”.

(directed at the OP, not you Bucket) The question I would ask to the OP is: what have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? And I’m not just speaking about physical attractiveness, I mean emotional attractiveness too.

Do you treat her as the Queen of your household?
Do you value and respect her opinion on matters large and small concerning the family?
Do you do things with her, meaning, recreational activities?
Would you rather spend time with her or with your buddies?
Do you help her around the house?
Do you take an equal share of dealing with the kids?
Do you give her a break (take her out, cook dinner for her)?
Do you hug her a lot?
Do you try to lift her spirits when she’s down?
Do you laugh with her?
Do you cry with her?

And most important of all, do you LISTEN to her? Without offering advice. Just listen sympathetically. Actively listen, and REMEMBER what she told you.

Or do you treat her as an object?
Do you run from the house at the first opportunity?
We do know you scorn her for her appearance which no doubt makes her feel even worse about herself.

A woman who’s emotional needs and need for security aren’t being met, will have issues. It’s the MAN’S job to meet those needs.

If I can say these things, it an issue of “been there, done that”. The switch flipped about 3 years ago. We’re both in our mid-50s and the last three years have been like an extended honeymoon. My airport buddies (aviation is my main hobby) keep telling me “how come we don’t see you around here so much anymore?”. It’s because in the past I used to spend most Saturday mornings with them. Now, I’m more likely on Saturday mornings to have a leisurely breakfast with my wife, then we either hit the road on our bikes (summer) or go hiking/snowshoeing in the mountains (winter) together. We’re having a heck of a lot of fun, and it’s put the spark back in our relationship!

Try investing of yourself in HER, and make HER your best friend, and I can guarantee you’ll reap rewards.

Do you mind if I frame this and hang it in my house? Love it!

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I’m getting really sick of hearing that so many people are just saying let it go and live with it. We aren’t saying that at all.

What we are saying is that we wouldn’t put on mascara for a man like this, much less lose 100 lbs. If he wants his wife to do this for him, then he needs to be a man worth doing it for.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

That’s what gave him away as a troll for me. When I was 19 I was at my peak weight. I was 5’2 and just over 200. I was never bigger than a size 14 and I got tons of male attention. No one made comments, no one mocked me, and no one would have called me an inactive beast.

The OP in his trolling didn’t realize that what he described is not someone who weighs 200 lbs, but rather someone who weighs 350.

I was thinking about the same thing, although I am much taller and so had to do some calculation to figure out the equivalent.

The other thing could be that he simply has no idea how much she weighs and assumes that 190 is extreme. BUT he also said he’d been with her at the Dr who said she had no health problems. I expect that if the Dr said she weighted 350 he’d have remembered that!

 

[The_Bucket]

Oh absolutely. That’s why the impetus for change for someone who has an addiction has to come from within. I’ve been in the very overweight category. Then I went to fit. Now? I’d say I’m at the right weight with the wrong balance. 6’2", 210-215. Not as much muscle as I had when I was in college, though I can run for greater distances. Back when I was 255, life pretty much sucked all the time. I can’t imagine what it’s like for someone who is truly obese. That’s why I noted that I’m pretty sure those who are obese are well aware that they are unhealthy. The question is whether they want to sit there and wallow in it or if they want to get better.

A woman who’s emotional needs and need for security aren’t being met, will have issues. It’s the MAN’S job to meet those needs.

Well said.

If I can say these things, it an issue of “been there, done that”. The switch flipped about 3 years ago. We’re both in our mid-50s and the last three years have been like an extended honeymoon. My airport buddies (aviation is my main hobby) keep telling me “how come we don’t see you around here so much anymore?”. It’s because in the past I used to spend most Saturday mornings with them. Now, I’m more likely on Saturday mornings to have a leisurely breakfast with my wife, then we either hit the road on our bikes (summer) or go hiking/snowshoeing in the mountains (winter) together. We’re having a heck of a lot of fun, and it’s put the spark back in our relationship!

Great advice for couples at any age.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

First of all up front I will identify my gender: I am male, a husband of nearly 25 years, and a father of 3.

One thing my married life taught me is that the only person I have any control over is myself. The only person I can change with any kind of effectiveness is myself. Cajoling, goading, subtle-and-not-so-subtle hints, etc. to get her to change, are really telling your spouse “it’s really all about me”.

(directed at the OP, not you Bucket) The question I would ask to the OP is: what have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? And I’m not just speaking about physical attractiveness, I mean emotional attractiveness too.

Do you treat her as the Queen of your household?
Do you value and respect her opinion on matters large and small concerning the family?
Do you do things with her, meaning, recreational activities?
Would you rather spend time with her or with your buddies?
Do you help her around the house?
Do you take an equal share of dealing with the kids?
Do you give her a break (take her out, cook dinner for her)?
Do you hug her a lot?
Do you try to lift her spirits when she’s down?
Do you laugh with her?
Do you cry with her?

And most important of all, do you LISTEN to her? Without offering advice. Just listen sympathetically. Actively listen, and REMEMBER what she told you.

Or do you treat her as an object?
Do you run from the house at the first opportunity?
We do know you scorn her for her appearance which no doubt makes her feel even worse about herself.

A woman who’s emotional needs and need for security aren’t being met, will have issues. It’s the MAN’S job to meet those needs.

If I can say these things, it an issue of “been there, done that”. The switch flipped about 3 years ago. We’re both in our mid-50s and the last three years have been like an extended honeymoon. My airport buddies (aviation is my main hobby) keep telling me “how come we don’t see you around here so much anymore?”. It’s because in the past I used to spend most Saturday mornings with them. Now, I’m more likely on Saturday mornings to have a leisurely breakfast with my wife, then we either hit the road on our bikes (summer) or go hiking/snowshoeing in the mountains (winter) together. We’re having a heck of a lot of fun, and it’s put the spark back in our relationship!

Try investing of yourself in HER, and make HER your best friend, and I can guarantee you’ll reap rewards.

NICE!!! Your post is what a lot of us wives have been trying to say/show to our husbands all along. You GOT IT. Beautiful post. Time invested = rewards reaped.

:clapping::yup:

The OP (if he were a real husband) would be no best friend to his wife. Anyone who would say such things is no friend at all.