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jimmy
Guest
I did too, and I was waiting for the trap to close. Hahaha
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Funny, in all these pages not one poster has said anything about this supposed family’s spiritual life.
I’d rather be spiritually fit than buff.
Yeah, you maybe can be both, before marriage and kids, but it’s all down to priorities, you know? I’d sure find a loving husband who would pray with me and for me, darn attractive, even if he was carrying a few extra pounds.
I’d rather be spiritually fit than buff.
Yeah, you maybe can be both, before marriage and kids, but it’s all down to priorities, you know? I’d sure find a loving husband who would pray with me and for me, darn attractive, even if he was carrying a few extra pounds.
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The_Bucket
Guest
Untrue. I was quite explicit about that. I said we have a responsibility to become more appealing to our spouses every day and generally that’s through being more emotionally and physically attractive. The body does fade far before the mind and the spirit never dies so it makes sense that we place most of our emphasis on working out our spiritual muscles, getting emotionally fit and bulking up on wisdom.
I totally agree with you, except that there’s no cop out for “before marriage and kids.” None. There’s no cure for aging. The process is inescapable. But we can keep our bodies healthy. And for those who have been overweight for most of their lives, they can improve their physical attractiveness immensely by cutting that weight.
Look, I’ll be the first to tell you that mind and spirit come first. But our bodies are a gift from the Lord too and they’re not to be ignored. We must discipline ourselves in all ways and that includes physically. We’re not all going to be fit and trim and fit in the same clothes that we did in our teens and early 20s. Except for me maybe but that’s because I was heavy in my teens and I’m only in my late 20s now. ANYWAY. The point is just like there is no excuse for spiritual laziness, there’s no excuse for physical laziness too. The aging process is going to catch us all, God-willing that we live long enough, but you’ve got to respect the body the Lord gave us. And that means disciplining it through proper nutrition and exercise. Sloth ain’t just for our prayer lives.
To be explicitly clear: Gaining a few pounds over the years and not being able to run a 10k after a night on the town anymore is totally normal. Gaining 100 lbs due to plain ol’ overeating/lack of exercise and not giving a darn about it is sinful.
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Regina_Love
Guest
I think the nature of the written word makes us seem much more blunt, then we would be in person. We loose intonation, and body language. Just an observation.
Years ago I heard that women use 20,000 words a day, men only 2,000. I can out talk, my husband any day. I wanted my marriage to be fair. I don’t want to always get my way because I can construct a better argument, so I decided, when he does talk I need to really LISTEN to what he is saying. I make myself stop, listen, and consider his point of view. I realized if I want my husband to share what he really thinks, and how he feels, that I have to create a welcoming environment. He has to be free to trust me. He has to know I’m not just going to jump his case, before he’s even done speaking!
I have 6 brothers so I know how guys think, and feel. A lot of married men are NOT free to express themselves. I think that’s sad. It’s the “Yes dear” joke. Well honestly It’s not fair that a man can’t express his feelings as long as he is respectful in his speech.
Years ago I heard that women use 20,000 words a day, men only 2,000. I can out talk, my husband any day. I wanted my marriage to be fair. I don’t want to always get my way because I can construct a better argument, so I decided, when he does talk I need to really LISTEN to what he is saying. I make myself stop, listen, and consider his point of view. I realized if I want my husband to share what he really thinks, and how he feels, that I have to create a welcoming environment. He has to be free to trust me. He has to know I’m not just going to jump his case, before he’s even done speaking!
I have 6 brothers so I know how guys think, and feel. A lot of married men are NOT free to express themselves. I think that’s sad. It’s the “Yes dear” joke. Well honestly It’s not fair that a man can’t express his feelings as long as he is respectful in his speech.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
And once more…We don’t know what this hypothetical wife has done, or not done, about her weight. He says she’s comfortable as she is. I can tell you that if MY husband had given me an elliptical, a gym membership, and signed me up for Weight Watchers, I’d be darned angry at him and probably it would cause a big resentment. If I heard or found out that my husband had called me a beast? Grounds for a separation. He’d have to work to get me into marriage counseling after that.
That hypothetical jerk of a husband has an attitude that would certainly come through to his wife. They would need counseling, for sure. But he might be surprised how many normal men find his wife quite attractive just as she is, and who would be very sweet and complimentary toward her. Wrong? I don’t know - beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
The OP constructed a scenario for us, and we ran with it. He’s gone now, and I’m finished with this.
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Xantippe
Guest
“Gaining 100 lbs due to plain ol’ overeating/lack of exercise and not giving a darn about it is sinful.”
Gaining the 100 pounds may be sinful, but staying 100 pounds overweight may not be sinful at all.
Gaining the 100 pounds may be sinful, but staying 100 pounds overweight may not be sinful at all.
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yellowbird
Guest
Jimmy - THIS.
And the OP’s problem will probably never be yours. My husband and have always been fit - we run marathons together - he also bikes and swims. We will never be 100lbs. overweight because our genetics aren’t like that and we enjoying excercise - not to lose weight or “get in shape” - just because it feels good.
However, at 45 - I don’t look like I did in my 20s… and he no longer looks like a young stud. But we’re both healthy - and that’s what counts.
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The_Bucket
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That’s fantastic and keep in mind I’m not setting a bar like this. I know that schedules change, priorities change, life happens and staying physically fit is not easy. I personally am not the same guy I was just six years ago and that’s because I’ve got two kids now. Of course, I was an amateur MMA fighter so I was doing crazy stuff all the time.However, at 45 - I don’t look like I did in my 20s… and he no longer looks like a young stud. But we’re both healthy - and that’s what counts.
But I do what I can. I work out during my lunch hour every day. I occasionally get in the gym with my wife when our schedule permits. I’ve asked her to cook meals that are healthier for all of us and she’s heartily agreed with the suggestions. It keeps me healthy even if I wish I had more time to get back to being really strong. I was never ripped; no genes for that. But I was definitely stronger than I am now.
Being healthy matters. Not abusing the body the Lord gave us matters. He is understanding about “life happening” and spouses need to do the same. Getting to the point where you’re very unhealthy due to weight is simply not acceptable. I’m sorry, it’s just not. And I think most people who are that unhealthy and that overweight agree! They know what’s going on. Giving them excuses is not helpful. Showing them ways out of their predicament is what’s needed. Doing it all with Christ-like love is absolutely essential.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Let us not forget that rash judgment is sinful.
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The_Bucket
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I’m not making judgments about any one particular person. I firmly believe the OP to be a fake but really think that this is a good subject since obesity is rampant. And it’s not one gender or the other by the way. If I gained 100 pounds and my wife thought I was physically unattractive… I’d probably agree. That’s why I noted that saying stuff like that out loud is a horrible idea because all it does is put the overweight person in a defensive posture. It sounds like an attack, not concern.
Trolling aside, there’s no reason to jump on a guy who says “my wife gained a lot of weight and now she’s not attractive to me. This sucks.” Because you know what? That does suck. It’s not as dramatic as someone dealing with a handicapped child or a terminal illness, but it’s still not cool because it sends a signal of “giving up” or taking the love and attraction of a spouse for granted. True enough that spouses are called to love unconditionally, but each spouse has a responsibility to reciprocate that and take action! Marriage is a reflection of the Trinity and of God’s love for us. What good is it to accept the fact that God always loves us but not take action to show that we love Him too? What good is it for one spouse to expect love from the other and do little or nothing to demonstrate the in-kind love?
Most of that is through action of daily life. Family prayer, family recreation, doing something special for a spouse here and there, unexpectedly taking over a chore to let the other spouse have a break. But caring for our bodies is another way we do that. If the two become one flesh, shouldn’t both spouses care about the health of that flesh and if it is glorifying God by being well taken care of?
Trolling aside, there’s no reason to jump on a guy who says “my wife gained a lot of weight and now she’s not attractive to me. This sucks.” Because you know what? That does suck. It’s not as dramatic as someone dealing with a handicapped child or a terminal illness, but it’s still not cool because it sends a signal of “giving up” or taking the love and attraction of a spouse for granted. True enough that spouses are called to love unconditionally, but each spouse has a responsibility to reciprocate that and take action! Marriage is a reflection of the Trinity and of God’s love for us. What good is it to accept the fact that God always loves us but not take action to show that we love Him too? What good is it for one spouse to expect love from the other and do little or nothing to demonstrate the in-kind love?
Most of that is through action of daily life. Family prayer, family recreation, doing something special for a spouse here and there, unexpectedly taking over a chore to let the other spouse have a break. But caring for our bodies is another way we do that. If the two become one flesh, shouldn’t both spouses care about the health of that flesh and if it is glorifying God by being well taken care of?
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Xantippe
Guest
“I can tell you that if MY husband had given me an elliptical, a gym membership, and signed me up for Weight Watchers, I’d be darned angry at him and probably it would cause a big resentment.”
If my husband did that, I would appreciate it (I’d love to be able to spend that much time and money on myself), but I would be very upset by him spending that much money (we’re talking hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, right?) without consulting me. You have to be pretty well-off as a family to drop that kind of money without consulting your spouse, especially when it’s for your spouse and there’s a good chance it’s an item your spouse is not going to use. My husband and I have a monthly budget meeting for financial planning, and it would be simply unacceptable for either of us to spend money that was not part of that plan.
That issue, by the way, is another sign that this is a fictional exercise. I think it’s not a waste of time to discuss the issues raised by the OP’s question, because it is a real problem, even if the OP’s letter may be totally made up.
If my husband did that, I would appreciate it (I’d love to be able to spend that much time and money on myself), but I would be very upset by him spending that much money (we’re talking hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, right?) without consulting me. You have to be pretty well-off as a family to drop that kind of money without consulting your spouse, especially when it’s for your spouse and there’s a good chance it’s an item your spouse is not going to use. My husband and I have a monthly budget meeting for financial planning, and it would be simply unacceptable for either of us to spend money that was not part of that plan.
That issue, by the way, is another sign that this is a fictional exercise. I think it’s not a waste of time to discuss the issues raised by the OP’s question, because it is a real problem, even if the OP’s letter may be totally made up.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Oh and one more thing that makes me think this was a troll…
He said she weighed about 110 pre-kids.
He also said she kept about 10 lbs. extra per kid. And that she now weighs 190.
So 190 - 110 = 80 lbs. gained.
10 lbs. kept on per kid = 8 kids? Funny he never mentioned the kids or how many he has…well, only to say that their classmates in school make fun of his wife…
He said she weighed about 110 pre-kids.
He also said she kept about 10 lbs. extra per kid. And that she now weighs 190.
So 190 - 110 = 80 lbs. gained.
10 lbs. kept on per kid = 8 kids? Funny he never mentioned the kids or how many he has…well, only to say that their classmates in school make fun of his wife…
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JackieMom
Guest
I feel like he said he had three teenagers? Not going to go through it all to confirm though! Maybe she packed on more lbs. after er last pregnancy. Dunno. I’m 50-50 on him being a parody.Oh and one more thing that makes me think this was a troll…
He said she weighed about 110 pre-kids.
He also said she kept about 10 lbs. extra per kid. And that she now weighs 190.
So 190 - 110 = 80 lbs. gained.
10 lbs. kept on per kid = 8 kids? Funny he never mentioned the kids or how many he has…well, only to say that their classmates in school make fun of his wife…
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
Who? Who are the posters who say that he shouldn’t want her to work out? Who is saying that this is not a big deal and that he needs to get over it?
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jimmy
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Most of the responses have been according to that line. They say he should get over it. That is generally the perspective of therealjulian.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Yeah, you’re right, he did say all his kids are teens now, the youngest is supposedly 13.
I lost track in all the negativity. If she started having kids 17 years ago, and the youngest is 13, then that still doesn’t add up to 80 lbs. gained unless they have 8 kids, and then it doesn’t add up b/c that’s too many kids.
He also said she “packed on” about 10 lbs. with each kid, well that is not a lot of weight to gain - I gained 30 lbs. with my 1st and 40 with my 2nd. Docs don’t like you to gain that much weight now, I think they try to keep it to 15 or under, right?
If this hypothetical wife really has brought 8 kids into the world, I dislike this hypothetical husband even more.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
You got it wrong, my friend. Both my name, and my responses to the OP, fictional as I believe him to be. I did NOT say that he should “get over it.” I said he was a jerk to call his wife, the woman he took vows to love, cherish, and protect, in front of God, a beast and an elephant. The hypothetical wife has her own problems but being a jerk, he can’t see those problems, only that he is doing everything he can to try and help her but she’s impossible because she won’t lose the weight so he can have sex with her again.
I have to say, props to the OP for staying away this long and for such a well thought out post that we’ve kept going for over 300 posts now and no sign of stopping.
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jimmy
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Then I don’t know what you had against my posts. I said repeatedly that the guy is a jerk, but you kept opposing what I was saying.
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Michael2799
Guest
I understand your frustration. Obesity can be a huge turn off for some people. But this is the mother of your children. She has given her life to you and your children. She is not a beast. This is not really her fault. She is eating because she is physically hungry.This is NOT a character defect. We have not only been misled by society about what makes a woman physically beautiful, we have also been given horrible nutritional advice by the medical establishment over the last 50 years. Women (and men) have been starving their bodies of the very nutrients that are needed to maintain a reasonable weight. It is also nearly impossible to “exercise away” obesity for any great length of time. Self control, gym memberships and exercise equipment have their place but they are not the answer.
Your wife is likely suffering from what is called “metabolic syndrome”. Fat production in the body is far more complicated process than “calories in-calories out”. Obesity is driven by high insulin levels and it often leads right into diabetes. I would encourage you to watch a video on YouTube called “Why We Get Fat” by Gary Taubes. Dr. Robert Lustig and Dr. Eric Westman have also done fantastic work in this field. Dr. Peter Attia also has a great website and blog. Just don’t expect your doctor to be so enthused about any of this. They are under a lot of pressure to keep pushing pharmaceuticals to treat hypertension, diabetes and other conditions related to metabolic syndrome.
I will just tell you that Dr. Robert Atkins who was blasted as a quack by the establishment for decades was absolutely on the right track. This is not a quick fix or a cure-all. But for most people this is the right path.
Go get your wife and give her a big hug. Love that girl for all she has given you. Tell her how much you love her and want to help her bring her metabolism beck into proper function .Sit down in front of the computer and start digging in to the work of Taubes, Westman, Attia and Lustig. These doctors are not selling anything. They have given their lives to this research, and their effort to reverse 50 years of bad nutritional information by the establishment. YouTube videos are a great way to get a lot of information in a short period of time.
Good luck and God Bless.
Your wife is likely suffering from what is called “metabolic syndrome”. Fat production in the body is far more complicated process than “calories in-calories out”. Obesity is driven by high insulin levels and it often leads right into diabetes. I would encourage you to watch a video on YouTube called “Why We Get Fat” by Gary Taubes. Dr. Robert Lustig and Dr. Eric Westman have also done fantastic work in this field. Dr. Peter Attia also has a great website and blog. Just don’t expect your doctor to be so enthused about any of this. They are under a lot of pressure to keep pushing pharmaceuticals to treat hypertension, diabetes and other conditions related to metabolic syndrome.
I will just tell you that Dr. Robert Atkins who was blasted as a quack by the establishment for decades was absolutely on the right track. This is not a quick fix or a cure-all. But for most people this is the right path.
Go get your wife and give her a big hug. Love that girl for all she has given you. Tell her how much you love her and want to help her bring her metabolism beck into proper function .Sit down in front of the computer and start digging in to the work of Taubes, Westman, Attia and Lustig. These doctors are not selling anything. They have given their lives to this research, and their effort to reverse 50 years of bad nutritional information by the establishment. YouTube videos are a great way to get a lot of information in a short period of time.
Good luck and God Bless.
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Candescent
Guest
Exactly. I work with a lady about 5.2 and almost 200 pounds. She has a gorgeous face, is very flirtatious, flaunts her curves,and always has a bunch of young guys hanging around. The OP is clearly faking it- but the subject is still interesting.
I have to admit that if my husband developed a huge gut, I would not find it sexually attractive- but then, after 20 years and 3 kids ( the op claims) I wouldn’t expect our love to be based or dependent on sexual attraction. Sex is not what we are here for.
I’m surprised that no one has brought up the fact that in many communities- African American, many Hispanics, some areas of India… big women are considered extremely attractive. Anyone can look at art through the ages and see that what we find attractive is largely a function of what our culture tells us is attractive.
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