Wife is OBESE

[Regina_Love]

Please go see a counselor this week. If you were able to help your wife it would have happened by now. There are some very powerful obsticles keeping your wife from taking care of herself. A good counselor can help her feel safe in exploring what is keeping her foot on the brakes. She can’t move foreward, and experience any success until she is able to take her foot off the brakes! She needs healing from those emotional obsticles. A good counselor will have sessions with each of you privately, and also as a couple.

I feel your emotional pain also. I would be pulling out my hair, and frustrated that my spouse was unwilling to make even a small change like drinking a diet coke. One way to look at it is suicide by food! Even if she was trying to punish you by gaining weight. It’s gone too far, and is endangering her life. I think people underestimate how dealing with this frustration day after day, year after year, can wear on a person, and create deep anger, hoplessnes, and depression.

Your wife needs long term counseling, to address her emotional state. You will need counseling to help you repair the hurts you’ve caused over the years. If you are both willing to work at these changes, your marriage could be better than it has ever been through this healing process!

Your mission should you decide to accept: Locate a good counselor! Make an appointment! Be prepared to do some extensive remodeling on yourself! Most importantly PRAY!

Let’s all pull together, and shower this family with our prayers for healing!

 

[Eufrosnia]

Your mission should you decide to accept: Locate a good counselor! Make an appointment! Be prepared to do some extensive remodeling on yourself! Most importantly PRAY!

This message will self destruct in 10… 9… 8…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Please as smswife said,

Let’s stop feeding this troll.

 

[The_Bucket]

Please as smswife said,

Let’s stop feeding this troll.

Obviously stop directing any posts towards him but I think the discussion in hypotheticals is worth it. I think it’s plenty worth it to tell men that they can’t base their love of a person or even their attraction to them on looks and it’s worth it to tell women that their efforts to keep themselves physically attractive sends a positive signal to their husbands.

 

[gmarie21]

OP, as a “heffer” who is on hold of losing weight due to my being pregnant (yes, my husband and I both have joked about my being a heffer) those who state that she has to want it are 100% correct. When I finally began weighing myself at the beginning of deciding to be active in my weight loss, and more importantly, in my desire to get healthy, I was 235lbs.

My husband never said he was disgusted with my appearance, but, after seeing a terrible photo taken of the two of us from our nephew’s wedding I said to myself, “enough is enough” and began counting calories from that point on. I joined My Fitness Pal online and did great at losing 40 pounds before hitting a crazy long plateau. I decided to change my diet and watch what I ate even though my husband and kids did not. Eventually my one son who had been moody, clingy, and silent started having what we though were silent seizures and after looking for natural solutions to treat them I, along with my two sons (the other had terrible stomach problems that couldn’t be explained), decided to go gluten free and it changed both boys dramatically as well as myself (anxiety and depression disappeared).

Two months later I became pregnant and the first trimester sucked so bad I lost 17 pounds. I have gained a few back (I’m 20 weeks along) but I’m not gaining at the rate I did when pregnant with the others. Granted, not eating gluten, trying to avoid soy (the terrible food that it is for the body), and developing a peanut and tree nut allergy has helped because buying special junk food is not in the family budget.

I am doing this for my children and for myself. My husband never insulted me and has complimented me along the way and has also held me accountable too. I appreciate that about him (one of the reasons I fell in love with him was because of his compassionate honesty - note, the compassionate part is extremely important when being honest).

And when it comes to marital relations, suck it up. My first trimester my sense of smell was so heightened that every member of my family literally made me nauseous, but I still hugged and kissed my kids and I still embraced in the marital act with my husband though I wanted to vomit the whole time from his smell (he was clean with no b.o. but still smelled putrid to me). Get over it and talk compassionately when you are trying to be honest. Also, remember she has to want this. And, if her friends are all obese, well, that makes it more difficult to want to change.

 

[MushroomMan]

Well some people here have decided I am some sort of troll so I guess I will take my dilemma elsewhere. For the record I am 100% real and being open and honest here but whatever I don’t need you to believe me. I now see I should not have turned to fellow Catholics but thank you to all who did offer support and advice. I will see if she is willing to go to a counselor and I will pray for her too thank you. And PS if you think this is not a widespread problem with so many people packing on lots of weight you are nuts. What man wants a hefty helga? You are tricking yourselves if you think men dont want attractive wives and I assume no woman wants a big fat man either.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

See ya!

:extrahappy::dancing:

 

[maryjk]

Well some people here have decided I am some sort of troll so I guess I will take my dilemma elsewhere. For the record I am 100% real and being open and honest here but whatever I don’t need you to believe me. I now see I should not have turned to fellow Catholics but thank you to all who did offer support and advice. I will see if she is willing to go to a counselor and I will pray for her too thank you. And PS if you think this is not a widespread problem with so many people packing on lots of weight you are nuts. What man wants a hefty helga? You are tricking yourselves if you think men dont want attractive wives and I assume no woman wants a big fat man either.

:ehh:

Want to be taken seriously? Start acting like it.

 

[smndtupidisaftr]

Also, there was a thread in which a CAF member had no idea of the extent to which many Americans eat sweets and salts. This member thought of these foods as occasional treats. They didn’t realize that many of us would and do eat sweets and salts at every meal, in between meals, and all evening long. Again, there is something wrong, and it’s not just “being a beast.”

You’re right about the sweets. Those things will just kill you with how many calories are in so little food. About the salts, I take a different approach. I find the danger of salt to be intensely exaggerated. The problem with salts, and the cause of many day-to-day health issues, is dehydration. If you have an excessively salty meal, drink plenty of water. If you haven’t been sweating and haven’t been to the restroom in more than 2 hours, then you’re probably dehydrated. Our cells need water to maintain osmotic pressure in the cells. Otherwise, our cells literally start drying out and dying. So drink plenty of water, your cells (and your skin!) will thank you. Don’t feel bad for eating salt, just drink when you’re thirsty.

 

[smndtupidisaftr]

Cat, a very thoughtful and thought-provoking response; thank you!

Personally, I have my own theory about why there is so much obesity nowdays (the spell check doesn’t like that word, but tough!). Part of it is the fast food phenomenon, but there’s this little ingredient that’s been in a lot of our food since 1975, called HFCS - High fructose corn syrup. Back when I was growing up, there was ONE obese person during all my years in school, K-12. ONE! There were some “chubby” people, but nothing to the extent of the problem now. You had to work at it to be obese!

My theory: stressing the grains as staples of food rather than fats and proteins. The way fats get villified is nonsensical. Fats are incredibly important. They have a lot of energy, sure, but they also keep us full longer. The same is true of proteins. Grains, on the other hand, get you full quickly, but they don’t keep you full. Stress proteins, enjoy butter, have some cheese! Just try less bread and see how your appetite changes.

 

[gmarie21]

:ehh:

Want to be taken seriously? Start acting like it.

You know, my dad is like the OP that is why I do not believe him to be a troll (but we’ll see if he gets active elsewhere in CAFland). There really are people like this, both men and women. My dad divorced my mom because of her weight. He bought her an exercise bike when she went from 110 pounds to 125 pounds. My aunt (my dad’s sister) asked him if he was really sure he wanted to marry her because “look at her family’s weight, she’ll get heavy.” Another of my dad’s sister died in her 30s of breast cancer because she’d rather have cancer than give up smoking and get fat (and that is exactly what happened). Needless to say, my cousins on that side of the family have terrible eating disorders. My aunt (who said that thing about my mom decades ago) bragged about how her 5’10" daughter who weighs maybe 120 pounds only gained 15 pounds in her pregnancy. Trust me, this attitude is around and vocal.

 

[gmarie21]

My theory: stressing the grains as staples of food rather than fats and proteins. The way fats get villified is nonsensical. Fats are incredibly important. They have a lot of energy, sure, but they also keep us full longer. The same is true of proteins. Grains, on the other hand, get you full quickly, but they don’t keep you full. Stress proteins, enjoy butter, have some cheese! Just try less bread and see how your appetite changes.

Yes, yes, yes! Within about a month of going gluten free I do not crave sugar very often and when I am offered a gluten free dessert I only eat a little and don’t crave beyond what was served. The veggie, fruit, and protein, with little grain route seems to be the best. I try to avoid too much dairy too, but that is for my son who still breastfeeds and seems to be quite bothered by dairy. However, I also don’t crave cheese as I once did either.

 

[Serap]

You call the mother of your children an elephant and a beast?

You disgust me.

Don’t divorce this woman. I honestly can’t imagine another woman on the planet who would love you.

mean thing to say!

 

[Serap]

You sir are going to get flamed. Just wait until RealJuliane shows up here.

Im positive you are a troll though, so you wont be around for long anyways.

I think he’s a troll too…I’m gonna read through these posts and have a good laugh

 

[Serap]

You gave her an elliptical for Christmas? You are fortunate she didn’t murder you.

She gave you children and you give her grief about her weight? Maybe if you showed some love she’d find it worth it to work at losing some weight.

I’m hoping you are a troll, because you are not a nice man at all, not one little bit.

I WISH my husband would buy me an elliptical for Christmas!!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think he’s a troll too…I’m gonna read through these posts and have a good laugh

Here’s a soundtrack for ya!

Trololo

 

[Serap]

I am on the other side of this argument as the overweight husband. I’ve been heavy all of my adult life - I’ve had to shop at Big & Tall stores since I was a sophomore in high school. In the last year I had a wake up call and have lost 100 lbs. I still have about 50 lbs I would like to lose and I’m working on it. In the meantime I’ve got from a 54" waist to a 40" waist and a 4x shirt to an XL/XXL. I’m stronger, fitter and healthier than I’ve ever been in my adult life and I truly can’t believe it took me into my early 30’s to get my health and life together.

So now that I’ve established a little bit of credibility (hopefully) let me just point out that it’s already been said in this thread but here is what I believe to be true: Losing a lot of weight (for people like myself who are truly obese) requires a dedicated lifestyle change. It also requires that the person be well and truly ready to make the change for themselves. You cannot force them to do so - nothing you say or do (positive or negative) will cause them to want to lose weight. I sometimes think of myself as a food addict, not unlike an alcoholic only addicted to Ho Ho’s (RIP) and not booze. Over the course of the last year there haveve been a couple of times where I’ve stood in a dark kitchen after destroying an entire package of cookies and hating myself for ruining all my hard work with 20 minutes of binge eating. Seriously, food addiction is real and I will always be an addict.

For me, it took a big wake up call in the form of a health scare for my dad related to his being overweight and having a terrible diet for most of his life. I decided that I didn’t want to be lying in the hospital in my early 60’s wondering if I was going to die because it was more important to gorge on Oreo’s, cheeseburgers, french fries and beer than to take care of myself when I had the chance.

Still, losing 100 lbs is one of the hardest things I’ve ever accomplished.

The best advice I can give you is to pray for your wife that she will have that “wake up” call. You can also take command of certain aspects of your family life that might help. Consider planning some healthy meals, then doing the shopping and the cooking. If you don’t workout, start to exercise regularly. My wife (who has never been overweight) recently started running after she watched me race a couple of 5K’s and a triathlon last year. She sees how much fun I’m having and how much better I feel and how much more energy and fitness I have and she wants in on that. If your wife shows an interest in improving her health, then support her as much as you can in whatever ways she needs.

Overweight people already feel bad enough about themselves and lack an incentive to change their ways (I know I did). Negative comments and feedback are hurtful because all you are doing is saying out loud the things the obese person already feels about them self - which just confirms and validates their self loathing.

WHOOP WHOOP!!! Good for you!!!

 

[Serap]

Somewhere upthread, the OP said he just wanted his wife to be average. Elsewhere, he said he wanted her to be 120 pounds, just like the good old days. I have some bad news–the average 40-year-old American woman does not weigh 120 pounds. Furthermore, there are lots of fat younger women these days.

I’m a big girl, in fact rather bigger than the OP’s wife (currently around 220). I got here via 1) 15 pounds a year gained during graduate study (good thing I left after my MA!) 2) toddler years eating. In both cases, it was largely a question of eating to stay awake and energetic so I could do my school work and keep kids safe. One of the better (!) things to happen to me was that during my last pregnancy I got gestational diabetes. I did four blood tests a day and maintained a very strict low carb diet for three months. I was hungry much of the time and had very low energy (pretty much the only thing I did was stick to my diet), but by a month or so after delivery, I was 20 pounds lighter than when I started my pregnancy (I had started the pregnancy at 240 pounds). (And postpartum, I’d shifted back to a “normal” diet.) I would like to eventually lose more weight, but just not gaining weight is a victory, too.

How about getting your wife to a nutritionist and working out a menu for her of stuff she actually likes? One of the changes I’ve made to my personal diet is to try for a salad for lunch every day and to keep the ingredients for that at home (baby spinach, cooked chicken, nuts, sprouts, avocado, etc.). She’s not going to budge, though, if you are making this into a control thing, if you show that you are embarrassed by her, if you judge her, or if it’s clear that your love is conditional.

I’m 41, 2 kids…I’ve made it an effort to remain in shape for my husband and family…and of course, for me.

I am 5’8" and 127 lbs. My 42nd bday is this June. I am 34-27-36 and a size 4 dress.

I’m proud of it and proud that my husband is attracted to my body.

BUT…when I was 15 lbs heavier (while caring for our 2nd baby) my husband never once told me I was too big, etc. He told me I looked great. In OPs defence, if I were, however, 100 lbs overweight, my husband would definitely not be attracted to me…not for being overweight, but for what he would consider emotional baggage that usually accompanies being fat.

Let’s face it…being obese is a deeper issue than just being obese. It is unattractive on so many levels. An obese person needs kindness and compassion b/c we are not just dealing with an over-eating issue.

 

[Elizabeth502]

And PS if you think this is not a widespread problem with so many people packing on lots of weight you are nuts…What man wants a hefty helga? You are tricking yourselves if you think men dont want attractive wives and I assume no woman wants a big fat man either.

Yes, all men want women with figures like models. However, some men do understand the aging process (theirs and their wives’) and do value the love between them more than the strict physicality.

No, we don’t think that “so many people” are packing on lots of weight. We KNOW that pregnancy & childbearing change the bodies of the vast majority of women. If you don’t know this, you haven’t been around much… If you “signed up” for marriage assuming that her body would remain fairly stationary over the years, then it is not we who are “fooling ourselves,” but you. Yes, you.

That said, both of you, together, need marriage counseling. Blaming, stagnation, escape, and denial – on the part of one or both of you – will cause your relationship to deteriorate further. If you do care about more than sex (as well as sex), you will approach her with urgency about counseling.

I am not bothered by your natural male tendency, given how visual men are, to want a more attractive body in your wife. I am bothered by your sense of entitlement about it, an entitlement that you share with many, many men in our culture, combined with your lack of realism. Bodies have come to be glorified in our society, unnaturally and perversely so, with ordinary people (not just actresses!) going to extreme lengths to reverse the aging process by abnormal means, including surgery, extreme diets, and what is called exercise bulimia. Anything not to be marginalized and devalued by men in the way that has occurred on this thread.

Where is the evidence that men feel entitled to bodily beauty, at whatever age and whatever shape they themselves are in? Check out the Personals Ads, and just about any matchmaking website. Men overwhelmingly specify “requirements” in a woman, which include an idealized shape. Very often those men are hardly specimens of attractiveness themselves: balding, paunchy, self-centered, and immature. Talk about “disgusting” to any real woman, and a turn-off. I am not talking about the OP. I am talking about the trend in society at large.

For males and females: Wanting is one thing. Insisting on something, as a condition of love/devotion, is something else. Some women, by the way, are turned off by men who have lost some earning capacity or some other aspect of perceived virility. Shame on them, too.

Marriage does not come with guarantees of sustained health and beauty. What a couple should be able to “insist on” is continued effort to grow together as the years progress, and to work on whatever threatens that mutual growth. It is difficult to believe that the OP is 100% perfect, however – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We rarely know, objectively, how we come across to others, including to those most intimate to us. And that includes how we communicate (or don’t), and what that level of communication does to those who love us and whom we love.

 

[ringil]

I agree that the OP does not sound like a particularly kind person, but why does everyone assume he is a troll? Some people really do feel this way. I am not saying they should; I am saying they do. So why would this be an untrue post?

I agree. Though he/she may be a troll his post accurately reflects the views of thousands of men- sadly.