Wife is OBESE

[Serap]

Yes, all men want women with figures like models. However, some men do understand the aging process (theirs and their wives’) and do value the love between them more than the strict physicality.

No, we don’t think that “so many people” are packing on lots of weight. We KNOW that pregnancy & childbearing change the bodies of the vast majority of women. If you don’t know this, you haven’t been around much… If you “signed up” for marriage assuming that her body would remain fairly stationary over the years, then it is not we who are “fooling ourselves,” but you. Yes, you.

That said, both of you, together, need marriage counseling. Blaming, stagnation, escape, and denial – on the part of one or both of you – will cause your relationship to deteriorate further. If you do care about more than sex (as well as sex), you will approach her with urgency about counseling.

I am not bothered by your natural male tendency, given how visual men are, to want a more attractive body in your wife. I am bothered by your sense of entitlement about it, an entitlement that you share with many, many men in our culture, combined with your lack of realism. Bodies have come to be glorified in our society, unnaturally and perversely so, with ordinary people (not just actresses!) going to extreme lengths to reverse the aging process by abnormal means, including surgery, extreme diets, and what is called exercise bulimia. Anything not to be marginalized and devalued by men in the way that has occurred on this thread.

Where is the evidence that men feel entitled to bodily beauty, at whatever age and whatever shape they themselves are in? Check out the Personals Ads, and just about any matchmaking website. Men overwhelmingly specify “requirements” in a woman, which include an idealized shape. Very often those men are hardly specimens of attractiveness themselves: balding, paunchy, self-centered, and immature. Talk about “disgusting” to any real woman, and a turn-off. I am not talking about the OP. I am talking about the trend in society at large.

For males and females: Wanting is one thing. Insisting on something, as a condition of love/devotion, is something else. Some women, by the way, are turned off by men who have lost some earning capacity or some other aspect of perceived virility. Shame on them, too.

Marriage does not come with guarantees of sustained health and beauty. What a couple should be able to “insist on” is continued effort to grow together as the years progress, and to work on whatever threatens that mutual growth. It is difficult to believe that the OP is 100% perfect, however – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We rarely know, objectively, how we come across to others, including to those most intimate to us. And that includes how we communicate (or don’t), and what that level of communication does to those who love us and whom we love.

Part of the problem too is Hollywood celebrities getting pictures taken wearing bikinis like 6 weeks after having a baby:

"SO AND SO LOST HER BABY WEIGHT IN 60 DAYS!!!’

“HOW SO AND SO LOST HER BABY WEIGHT AND YOU CAN TOO!”

Some men see this and then think, why can’t my wife do this??? It sets unrealistic expectations all around.

 

[Serap]

I agree. Though he/she may be a troll his post accurately reflects the views of thousands of men- sadly.

yep

 

[The_Bucket]

For males and females: Wanting is one thing. Insisting on something, as a condition of love/devotion, is something else. Some women, by the way, are turned off by men who have lost some earning capacity or some other aspect of perceived virility. Shame on them, too.

Totally agree with the first part here. I don’t necessarily agree with shaming women for being somewhat turned off by a spouse losing his edge. That’s a natural reaction. Just as a man will be, at least a first, turned off by a woman who has gained a lot of weight, so will a woman who sees her spouse slack off at work or drop in status in some other way. However, what we’re all called to do that is rise above these natural reactions and love like Christ loves.

Marriage does not come with guarantees of sustained health and beauty. What a couple should be able to “insist on” is continued effort to grow together as the years progress, and to work on whatever threatens that mutual growth.

Exactly right. Ultimately what a marriage is about is people pulling one another towards heaven. Spouses pulling one another, parents tugging their kids along and even the kids sometimes needing to grab their parents and push them along the narrow road.

 

[mommamaree]

I agree, but I wasn’t always in a place emotionally or spiritually to see it. Maybe he is in a darker place as well. Watching the destruction of someone you love as well as being involved in some way with that destruction is real pain. They need our prayers.

^^^THIS absolutely.

I see so much pain from Mushroom Man. I don’t believe for a second that he is a troll. He sounds like a man who is in so much distress and despair that he needed to let some steam off here so that he would not hurt his wife’s feelings. I feel very sad for both him and his wife. They do need our prayers.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Men overwhelmingly specify “requirements” in a woman, which include an idealized shape. Very often those men are hardly specimens of attractiveness themselves: balding, paunchy, self-centered, and immature.

There’s a great cartoon that illustrates just this. I can’t find it here or I’d post it. Split frame cartoon. Man looking in mirror on one side. He’s rather dumpy, balding, middle-aged. Mirror reflects back an Adonis, with chiseled muscles. Woman looking in mirror on the other side. She’s pretty thin, young, pretty. Mirror reflects back an older, frumpy, fatter version of herself.

 

[The_Bucket]

^^^THIS absolutely.

I see so much pain from Mushroom Man. I don’t believe for a second that he is a troll. He sounds like a man who is in so much distress and despair that he needed to let some steam off here so that he would not hurt his wife’s feelings. I feel very sad for both him and his wife. They do need our prayers.

If that’s the case, he should have left out words like “beast,” “elephant” “hefty helga” and not referred to “saggy bossoms” (sic). Even after being told that it’s counter-productive and obfuscates a message that had some legitimacy he continued to do it. No reason for that.

I can understand the frustration. I really can. But there’s no place for diction like that aimed at someone he loves and to which he pledged his life.

He could have left it at “my wife is obese to the point where I’m no longer physically attracted to her.” It gets the point across without being trollish and intentionally hurtful.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well some people here have decided I am some sort of troll so I guess I will take my dilemma elsewhere. For the record I am 100% real and being open and honest here but whatever I don’t need you to believe me. I now see I should not have turned to fellow Catholics but thank you to all who did offer support and advice. I will see if she is willing to go to a counselor and I will pray for her too thank you. And PS if you think this is not a widespread problem with so many people packing on lots of weight you are nuts. What man wants a hefty helga? You are tricking yourselves if you think men dont want attractive wives and I assume no woman wants a big fat man either.

You assume wrong. The proof is that overweight people are married by slender people. No woman wants a man who stands around and agrees while other people insult her, though, let alone one who sinks to name-calling and blaming.

This is what researchers say ruin a marriage:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness (meeting complaints with counter-complaints)
4. Stonewalling (meeting complaints with withdrawal)

The repairs:

Turn criticism into complaining without blaming…that is, stick with the issue without hanging fault on the other person

Turn defensiveness into taking responsibility…by creating an atmosphere where someone who takes responsibility is supported instead of jumped on

Turn contempt into a culture of appreciation…by making at least five positive comments for each negative one

Turn stonewalling into arranged timeouts…by letting your partner know you need to go get your emotions in check, then coming back after you do that to continue the conversation.

gottmanblog.com/2012/04/four-horsemen-of-apocalypse.html

If you are for real, don’t just work on helping your wife with her health. Work on saving your marriage.

 

[mommamaree]

If that’s the case, he should have left out words like “beast,” “elephant” “hefty helga” and not referred to “saggy bossoms” (sic). Even after being told that it’s counter-productive and obfuscates a message that had some legitimacy he continued to do it. No reason for that.

I can understand the frustration. I really can. But there’s no place for diction like that aimed at someone he loves and to which he pledged his life.

He could have left it at “my wife is obese to the point where I’m no longer physically attracted to her.” It gets the point across without being trollish and intentionally hurtful.

Quite right, Bucket.
He said a great many hurtful and inflammatory things. I was not excusing any of that. I just interpreted them to mean that he was angry and hurting, not that he was making up a story for dramatic effect. But then again, maybe I don’t understand what “trolling” or “troll” really means? This is the only forum I participate in, and I still tend to believe almost everyone is sincere, even if their tone or message is inflammatory…

 

[exoflare]

There’s a great cartoon that illustrates just this. I can’t find it here or I’d post it. Split frame cartoon. Man looking in mirror on one side. He’s rather dumpy, balding, middle-aged. Mirror reflects back an Adonis, with chiseled muscles. Woman looking in mirror on the other side. She’s pretty thin, young, pretty. Mirror reflects back an older, frumpy, fatter version of herself.

here

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

 

[underacloud]

I’m replying to a post from page 3 and I know this discussion has moved on to page 9 (!) now, but this is an important issue…

The question then comes up as to which is the more “favorable way” to interpret the posters thoughts. IOW, should I view him as a simple troll or as a “man” who has no idea what marriage is nor what it means to love. I believe that it is more charitable to believe that this is simply another troll who is attempting to entertain himself rather than an abusive sociopathic monster who is emotionally abusive to his wife.

You can interpret it as a man who has a genuine issue he wants to discuss. Perhaps he has expressed himself badly, but perhaps his poor language is an expression of his frustration. Perhaps he has some underlying issues that he needs to work on himself (don’t we all?); as others have pointed out, we can only change ourselves in the end and not others. But he is a man who is frustrated and sad at the situation that has developed and has come here to seek help and advice from fellow Catholics.

This interpretation is far more favourable than either option that you offered.

As others have said, even if he’s trolling, the issue is an important one to discuss. Weight and health are difficult issues in the modern world, where people tend to eat more than they need and exercise less than they need. I’ve been a bit overweight at times and have worked hard to get healthy again. And it is hard work. If someone is 5’2’’ (or whatever the OP said his wife is) and ~200lbs, that’s quite severely overweight. It’s not merely an aesthetic issue, it’s a serious health issue.

If he’s trolling, we have lost nothing in having this discussion anyway. If he’s not trolling, then some people in this thread have been less than charitable in their accusations and assumptions.

(PS Whether he’s trolling or not, I think people are quite right to point out the appalling language he’s used along the way.)

 

[Zekariya]

Hi I don’t normally post places but I am going nuts. My wife of 21 years used to be a real looker, slim fit long hair, nice to look at. She was so pretty when we got married everyone said so. Then about 17 years ago she started having kids and with each one she packed on about 10 pounds that she never lost. I know it happens and no one is 20 forever. But I take care of myself by going to the gym and not eating junk and I don’t weigh more than 10 lbs more than I did when I was in my 20s (I’m in my 40s now.) My wife on the other hand oh my gosh.

Some people don’t have the drive to workout and one’s metabolism slows with age and weight.

We are Catholics and maybe not as crazy as some but we go to mass and I am a lector and my wife works with the youth group and confirmation kids because our kids are teenagers right now. So it is not like she just had a baby this year or anything. Our youngest is 13.

By, “not as crazy as some”, do you mean that very devout Catholics are crazy?!?

When we got married she was I think 21 and she weighed maybe 110 lbs and she is 5’2. She had a great figure what a fox she was. Now I know for sure she weighs at least 190 which is a lot of fat on that small body. She is really huge and honestly I am not attracted to that kind of thing.

I guess you were only ever attracted to her fleshly shell?

She says she is busy and has no self control and hates the gym. I bought her a set of weights and videos to do at home. They are barely used. I signed her up for Weight Watchers and a woman’s only gym. She let both memberships expire unused. I bought her an eliptical for Christmas in 2010 and it maybe has been turned on twice. This last christmas i bought her 12 sessions with a trainer and she has not even made one appointment. I bring home cookbooks about healthy eating and light cooking, and honestly her dinners arent that bad I don’t know what she is doing while I’m at work. Sometimes I see fast food wrappers in her car and I know she hides candy and drinks Cokes. Frankly, I am tired to trying to get her to like be attractive and take care of herself.

My mom doesn’t like being overweight but can’t build the will to exorcise it off.

She wants romance and I do try but what I am supposed to do with this huge lady? I love her as the mother of my kids and my wife but there is honestly zero attraction and I am repulsed by how far she’s slipped and how she has let herself go. Its gross and I can’t even get aroused because I feel like I am in bed with an elephant. You men will know you can’t make it with a girl who is just too fat.

Even if she was only 110 lbs, it doesn’t sound like you’d be attracted to her when she’s in her 70’s.

We had some good years but now I am about to walk out. I dont deserve this I did not marry a beast. She does NOT have a thyroid problem or a hormonal disorder because I made her have a complete workup in October and the doctor said she’s fine but has high blood pressure and needs to lose weight. That was when she was 190 and I bet she has packed on even more since then because obviously she does not even care about herself or about how I feel to be seen with this person in public. Like, I’ve taken care of myself and worked hard and here I am just married to this massive beast of a woman.

You just called a daughter of God, a “massive beast of a woman”!

Don’t get me wrong I do love her. She is a good mom but has not enough energy because she is so big. She might be over 200 now who knows. How can I get her to fix this before I just give up? I know divorce is wrong and I guess that’s why I am coming here because I can’t talk about this to any of our friends.

Love is not a feeling; it is an act of your will. Did Jesus die on the Cross because it was fun?!?

I dont want to sound shallow but how do you stay married to someone whose looks are becoming repulsive and who does not even give a **** about changing that for you, or for her own health and sense of pride? She knows I love her and I don’t want to leave I just want her to get down to like maybe 125 and be my girl again.

Keep up you good acting.

Thanks for your help and please I am not a jerk just sick of her not caring about herself and not caring if I am turned off by her size. She tries to initiate sex and I usually go with it but it takes so much mental work to get past the thighs and the gut and the hanging bossoms that I end up thinking of other ladies just to get an erection and I don’t want to do that!

The “hanging bossoms” happens with pregnancy, age, and other factors. A woman’s body is NEVER the same after a pregnancy. I’m sure she wouldn’t be sleeping with you if she knew you were thinking of “other ladies”.

Grow up. Did your wedding vows say, “till lack of physical attraction do us part”?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Quite right, Bucket.
He said a great many hurtful and inflammatory things. I was not excusing any of that. I just interpreted them to mean that he was angry and hurting, not that he was making up a story for dramatic effect. But then again, maybe I don’t understand what “trolling” or “troll” really means? ** This is the only forum I participate in, and I still tend to believe almost everyone is sincere, even if their tone or message is inflammatory.**…

It is a most charitable assumption to make, but there are people who like to come out from under their hiding places and post deliberately inflammatory messages just to stir things up. I don’t know what these people did before the internet! Maybe they are the people who start a debate, and then switch sides in the middle of it, just for fun…

The OP has many of the hallmarks of such a person. I know that on this forum, we are to be charitable and not yell out, “Troll!” for every post that takes a wrong turn, but continuing to respond and play into the game just draws things out.

Trolling and flame wars - the dysfunctional underpinnings of the interwebz…

 

[Bonnie]

You could be my husband & I could be your wife. For the sake of her health, make sure she has a thourough health checkup. I, like your wife, was well over 200 lbs & my dh kept saying I was tired because I was so fat. Turned out I have type 2 diabetes.

I am now losing weight for the first time in years with proper medication & a very low-carb diet. As my blood glucose levels came down my energy went up.

Tell her I’ll be praying for her.

 

[White_Tree]

Stephen Colbert actually covered this topic just last week.

Here’s some relationship advice from him and Pat Robertson:

colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/422924/january-16-2013/pat-robertson-s-romance-advice

 

[cheezey]

I think it’s always best to assume someone isn’t trolling…at least in the first instance…actually as Catholics were are instructed that: “everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way” (CCC #2478).

Yes, this includes potential trolls.

 

[JackieMom]

Let’s be frank - I doubt very many people look at someone who is morbidly obese and think “oooh, sexy!”

And in my marriage, I find that I need to find my husband attractive. Not perfect, mind you - the years do go by. I’ve had four kids and don’t weigh what I did 10 years ago, but I am still within the “healthy” weight range for my height. My hair is a little thinner than it used to be, but I get it cut in a flattering style and try to do it nicely. I have fine lines now, but I stay out of the sun and try to do a little tasteful makeup in the morning. In other words, I accept that I am aging, and I know I won’t ever look like Demi Moore - but I do what I can to feel good about myself and to keep my husband interested.

It does not sound to me like MM is looking for his wife to turn into Heidi Klum - he just wants her to try and look good, for him and for herself. I don’t think that having babies means you automatically have to accept morbid obesity, which is what he says his wife is suffering from. In cultures where they eat better and do ohysical work, the mothers are not all plus sized. Most of my friends have at least two kids and very few are obese.

I wouldn’t be okay with my husband putting on 100 lbs and he would not turn me on physically at that size. We accept what we must - aging, accidents, incurable illness, but we should work to make the best of it by eating well and being fit, too!

MM, I hope you neer refer to your wife as a cow or a beast, but approach her firmly with compassion and concern. Name calling won’t help and may even turn her against you and toward more food. Always speak to her the way you’d like to be spoken to, get some counseling, and lead by example. With your own diet and fitness. Right now your kids aren’t getting a great role model for health and moderation from their mom, and they need to see you handle it with kindness and maturity. And dude - punch anyone who calls out nasty things to your woman!

 

[St_Francis]

To the Mushroom Man:
For one thing, a post extremely similar to your was posted bere a while back, so similar I checked to see if it was the same person.

I have 2 main things to say: There are only slight differences in height and weight between your wife and me, and I think my weight was definitely related to a knee injury and menopause beginning right at the same time. Believe me, I was unhappy about it: I was physically uncomfortable and didn’t look like myself. I am not a person who gives a great deal of concern to how I look: ponytail and at most some mascara and lipstick; now am I a fashion plate: I never wear heels and my dress-up clothes are gifts and the rest jeans. But I didn’t look like me; I couldn’t see if clothes wouldd fit; and physically it got old fast.

Luckily my husband had put on a few pounds so he didn’t worry.

And the thing is, * I could not lose the weight. *When I dieted, I gained weight. I had no clue what to do since when I didn’t diet I at least stayed the same! It was very frustrating!

And now menopause is totally over and little by little I’m losing the weight. It is great. I am not frantic; I take it easy and just try to see what best helps the process along and do more of that, bit other than that, I am just trying to stay put of the way and let it happen.

If I were your wife, your attitude might well have pushed me to stress more–stress hormones make people gain weight–and just be angry. Your wife seems to have chosen a psychologically healthier route of looking for self-acceptance since it’s so clear from what you have written about your interactions that she won’t get it fromyou. Giving her stuff is no substitute for the marital *debt. *

The other thing is that I used to be extremely judgemental and critical, both about nyself and about others. I justified my criticisms of others by my being hard on myself, bit the whole thing was a spiral in me that made me no good to anyone.

I suggest, since you have asked for advice and have gotten the advice to go to counseling, that you stop going to the gym. First, you are making yourself prideful by all this exercise and taking care of your looks; second, there are a lot of women at thise gyms who are just like you.

Second, stop being so hard on yourself and others. Look at how others forgive people instead of responding negatively.

If you have trouble with letting go of all the judgementalness, get some counseling for yourself for that before you ask your wife to join you.

There have been times when I thought counseling would help us but I was afraid of going because I thought I would be painted as the problem (because of issues frombefore my marriage, not my husband). It may be that your wife might feel the same.

Good luck to you with all this.

 

[cheezey]

News of a study recently came out that a high percentage of overweight children tested had a virus… I forget all the details.

I remeber when everyone said ulcers were caused by eating the wrong foods and stress. Then someone said it was a bacteria and no one listened. He had to give it to himself to show that his theory was right. Now everyone treats ulcers with antibiotics and you hardly hear about people having them.

The corn syrup issue also has merit.

Bingo!!! However, if I am not mistaken, and I could be, stress may supress the immune system, which in turn makes one more vulnerable to infection/bacteria.
And I would advise the husband not to add to her stress; he just does not know the whys and wherefores because SHE may not know. Hence, the understanding part. Gentle suggestions…Pushing her too much causes stress, stress may cause more weight gain…I have been there as have many.

 

[Sillara]

^^^THIS absolutely.

I see so much pain from Mushroom Man. I don’t believe for a second that he is a troll. He sounds like a man who is in so much distress and despair that he needed to let some steam off here so that he would not hurt his wife’s feelings. I feel very sad for both him and his wife. They do need our prayers.

I agree, mommamaree. I never thought he was a troll, and as for those who say they will judge him a “troll or not” by whether or not he posts elsewhere on CAF–umm, I doubt he will post anywhere else. Why would he, when in the posts where he tries to explain, albeit rudely, his problem, he is not believed?

Actually, I understand a lot of where both he and his wife are coming from. I was raised in Japan, and let me say that that is the best place in the world to develop a horribly twisted view of the female body. I have always considered myself fat. Always. My two younger sisters both developed eating disorders (one had classic anorexia nervosa, the other bulimia).

I consider myself now to be fat.

I am 38 years old, so I am one of those “closing in on 40” women like the OP’s wife. I have had six children, the youngest of whom is two. When she was a month old, I broke both bones in my right ankle and was laid up for months (due to not wanting to be hospitalized for a week for surgery and have to leave my one-month-old, nursing baby at home). So the baby weight did not want to come off. Afterward, I was also put on hormone medication for a condition I have had since I was a teenager. More weight gain, despite my frantic exercising once I was finally allowed to put weight on my ankle. I finally went off the medication in the middle of last year. I continued to exercise like mad, and for those who mention their 1200 Calorie diets, well, for me that is a big meal day.

I am 5’5", and I weigh approximately 125 lbs. I am a size 6.

And yes, I absolutely think of myself as fat. Why? Because I live in an area where everyone is tiny. Anorexia is chronic here, and a woman’s worth is based entirely on her appearance. If I do not look as thin and beautiful as the women half my age who have had no children, well, I am in trouble.

My husband is trying to get me to not think of myself as fat, but it is a hard road. If my husband were to say things like the OP has, I would probably give up entirely. To know that my husband found me repulsive would absolutely devastate me. If I were the sort to take comfort in food (actually I tend not to eat at all when depressed), then I would immediately begin to gain weight from the sheer sorrow at being a disappointment to my husband.

On the other hand, my husband loves me, loves me exactly as I am. He says that I am beautiful. (Personally, I think his fondness for me blinds him, but that is not a bad thing!)

I feel sorry for the OP because he is obviously upset and hurting, even if he is lashing out in anger, and I feel sorry for his wife, in whose place I would probably be doing much worse than she is.

I still don’t understand why everyone assumes the OP is just trolling.

 

[Regina_Love]

Geeeze ladies be fair. Do you honestly think it’s OK for a wife to weigh twice her normal weight, and her husband should act all happy about it! Yes, guys are visually motivated. That’s how they are wired. It’s a fact.

I do think we have a responsiblility to look decent for our husbands. 20-30 lbs over weight, it happens. But we are talking a 100lbs. That’s not acceptable, meaning something needs to done about it. The health issues it causes are serious!

I believe it is an offense to your marriage to let yourself become so obese that your appearance is repulsive. Yes! we do have a responsibility to reign in our weight every year, for our own health, and the betterment of our marriage. Your man should not have to struggle with the thought or feelings they will never embrace a reasonably decent sized wife again, ever in their whole life, and that there is no hope.

Honestly, If my husband were that over weight, I would expect him to work at improving it. Since I’m in the venting mode I’d like to also say. How come guys don’t dye their hair for us ladies? hmmmm? Yes, we deserve you to look your best too!